Catch You on the Flip Side

“I will always love you,” was sung Dolly Parton and later Whitney Houston in truly various forms. Dolly’s version was poetic, beautiful and truly heartfelt and then Whitney and her neverending lungfulls of ear-aching commercial stank blasts came along and ruined the song for a lot – a LOT – of people, damnit.

 And while you can’t hear it, I now sing those lyrics to you – hopefully with more Dolly than diva. After some deliberation, more beers and several more nights in my GOIBER, I’ve decided to take a leave of absence from the Ranter. This has nothing to do with the Packers recent outcome and everything to do with my desire to focus my attention starting the nation’s first Telekinesis Camp for Aspiring Jedis and Anyone Else Interested (website coming soon!) or something else totally unrelated.

Rest assured the Ranter is in good hands with co-founder, Editor-in-Cheese and Tracy White fanatic, Franklin Hillside. While you might not want to bank on a rush of new Rants, you can find Franklin working the Twitters just about every day as he has done from the start. And if you want more Ranter or Robert, just read the archives (hey, that's alliterative - nice). I’ll see ya when I see ya. Go Pack! ~Robert

You Like Apples?

Robert and I have a good buddy from grade school who works for the Packers.  He’s a part-time intern for the assistant to the advisor to quarterbacks coach Tom Clements.  Pretty lofty position if you ask me. I’d like to say that he has extensive knowledge of the offense and of the QB position itself, and that this knowledge got him the job. I’d like to say that. In reality, he got the job because in grade school he was able to pen long, extensive love notes (in code so the teacher could never read to the class,mind you) on 4x6 notecards. You’ve never seen such a Lothario. While this doesn’t seem like it would transfer to working for an NFL franchise, you’d be wrong. He’s perfect for putting together those little QB wristbands that have plays and formations on them. It’s remarkable how well he has fit into this position, and his flexible hours with the Packers let him continue to work his dream job as the key-maker at the ACE Hardware.

Anyway, as he was fitting Graham Harrell for a custom, two-tone wristband complete with the non-screen, screen play that Matt Flynn threw against the Lions on it, he overheard Aaron Rodgers and Matt Flynn having the conversation below. For those wondering about the fate of #10, it seems like Flynn is very happy and might want to stay in Green Bay next year after all:

Flynn: What do I wanna way outta here for? I'm gonna live in Green Bay the rest of my {expletive deleted} life. We'll be neighbors, have little kids, take 'em to Little League up at Optimist Field.

Rodgers: Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way but, next year if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house, watchin' game film, workin' as my backup, I'll {expletive deleted} kill ya. That's not a threat, that's a fact, I'll {expletive deleted} kill ya.

Flynn: What the {expletive deleted} you talkin' about?

Rodgers: You got somethin' none of these other clowns have...

Flynn: Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I {expletive deleted} owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don't want to?

Rodgers: No. No, no no no. {expletive deleted} you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to football fans. Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up, and I'll have started 10 straight seasons, and I'll still be dominating this league. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too comfortable here in Green Bay to cash it in, and that's {expletive deleted}. 'Cause Caleb Hanie’d do {expletive deleted} anything to have what you got. So would Curtis Painter, Rex Grossman, Mark Sanchez, any of these {expletive deleted} guys. It'd be an insult to them if you're still here next year. Hangin' around the Hutson Center is a {expletive deleted} waste of your time.

I have to be honest, after hearing this, if I was Flynn, I’d pack up my things and be ready to start somewhere the day free agency starts. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. I’d just leave. I don’t know much, but I know that.

EPIC FAIL

Feel free to post your own caption in the comments section, but I think EPIC FAIL really sums this one up.

My Early Christmas Gift From El_Prez29

Sifting through emails yesterday, after a typically fantastic weekend in Green Bay, I came across one from el_prez29@packers.com with the subject line: "Merry Christmas, Frank, thanks for your support". I opened it and proceeded to spit a mouthful of coffee all over my computer screen. Normally, this would frustrate me to no end...especially since I was still in recovery mode yesterday, but a java covered screen didn't bother me one bit.

Now, I know that Mark Murphy was a occasional reader of The Ranter. How do I know? Somethings you just know. What I didn't know was that Murphy was tracking my spending at Lambeau Field this past Sunday, as well as my extensive purchases at the Packers Pro Shop on Monday morning. I may not have spent $275 like a share purchase, but it wasn't far off. Being the great steward of the Packers that he is, El_Prez29, Mark Murphy, took it upon himself to reward me with one of my requests from my previous post. I never would have imagined he would have been able to set this up on such short notice, but it just goes to show you the power that comes with being the President of the Green Bay Packers.

This is what he sent in his email that had me spewing coffee all over my desk:

I told you they looked alike.

Thanks, Mr. Murphy, for recognizing that fans support the team in different ways, and thanks for rewarding us for that.

(PS - Big thanks to friend of the Ranter and frequent commentor, Johnny Vicious. I can't believe they posed for you for 6 hours to get this shot right. That's a long time to hold a wand.)

I Got Next...Maybe.

Happy New Packer Owners' Day to all those out there who purchased a part of the greatest organization in the sporting world...and to those who didn't, like myself. Unfortunately, due to attending the game this weekend against the Raiders and plans forming to attend at least one playoff game, the funding stream doesn't exist to actually BUY the team. Just visit.

While daydreaming about my upcoming firsthand view of the Carson Palmer "I-Should-Have-Stayed-Retired" Tour, I started thinking about what could entice me to me break the Hillside Federal Bank and contribute to the Lambeau Field expansion, not to mention broaden my investment portfolio.

I came up with a list of things that, had they been included with the Packers share mailed to my house, may have tipped the scales and enticed me to pull the trigger on a purchase.

• One game per year that I control the music in Lambeau Field. Sorry, "Jock Jams," you're out.
• The sauerkraut at one Lambeau food stand is called "Frank's Kraut". Wait, there's trademark issues with that name?!?!
• A personal urinal for whatever game I attend during the season. No one else is allowed to use this urinal except me...unless they tell me an acceptable Bears joke, then they have a 45 second window to get in and get out.
• Five whole minutes to take any picture I so choose with the Lombardi statue outside of the atrium. For anyone who has tried to do this, you know this is worth a lot...maybe more than one share.
• A personal shopper at the Packers' Pro Shop that will guide me through the store. Not that I'm not familiar with it, I just want to get to Curly's sooner.
• A tiny picture of myself displayed somewhere in Ted Thompson's office. It doesn't even have to be visible to visitors, just the fact that I know it's there is worth $275 for me.
• A sponsored cold tub with daily reports on who uses it and for how long. Yes, as part of this ownership, I would do post-season cleaning of said cold tub. That is considered part of the purchase.
• Souvenir, game-worn, ankle tape from a random Packers' player from each game. What would I do with this? I don't have the faintest idea, but I think it would be cool to say I have a pile of Packers'  ankle tape in my basement.
• A Ted Thompson, draft-warroom-worn, pastel yellow, Packers button-down shirt. (I'd buy three shares for this)
• A "Packers Shareholder" T-shirt autographed by the Packers' staffer who processed my stock purchase. I think it would make the share a much more personal possession then.
• Mark Murphy to reenact a Ron Weasley scene from the one of the Harry Potter movies and post it on YouTube....What? They kind of look alike...they're both gingers.
• A Christmas card from someone on the practice squad. It better sound heartfelt too.
• A play drawn up by Mike McCarthy on a Lambeau Field napkin.
• A taxi cab in Green Bay when I need it on game night...okay, that's selfish, I know NO ONE gets that.
• The declassified file on why Tracy White was cut.

Hmmm...these all seem ver reasonable to me.  Maybe in 10, 15, 20 or 30 years when the next stock offering occurs, I hope to see one or two of these as an accompaniment to my share. (Please make it the last one)

Congrats to all the owners.

Top 9 Things to Avoid When Making a Packers Science Fiction Movie

The good ol’ Packer science fiction movie cliché. It’s as old as the Packer science fiction movie genre itself.

We at the Packer Ranter are sick of studios dumbing down our beloved Packer science fiction movies with clichés out of fear the movie will fail. That’s why we’ve put together a list of the top thing to avoid when making a Packers Science Fiction Movie. Now, eliminating these clichés is not going to solve the epidemic, but hopefully inspire a few more creative risks that will keep Packers science fiction movies entertaining and edgy for years to come.

1. Don’t make the QB/Aaron Rodgers the hero. Can you think of a more clichéd hero for your Packers science fiction movie? Rodgers is already the QB, MVP and face of the franchise. With Rodgers as the lead, the audience already knows he’s going to overthrow the dark overlords and free the digital slaves from having their memories completely erased. You want to pick a lead who's lesser known and somewhat edgy. Someone who you’re not quite sure about, but could see rooting for. Think Tom Crabree or Sam Shields, for instance. This will keep the audience guessing and give you the creative latitude you need when crafting your epic sci-fi thriller off the rings of Saturn.

2. No journey. A good sci-fi adventure will probably include some sort of journey. It's always important to make the destination some exotic planet or country. Coming from the Hoth-like Frozen Tundra, there should be a visit to a domed city or a warm-weather locale...or both like the Planet N'Awlins-7.89-Bourbalox.

3. Your spaceship should not be a giant football helmet. How many times have we seen a Packer sci-fi movie start out so promising only to disappoint in the space battle scene with flying Green and Gold helmets start swirling around like a bunch of Pacmen gone wild? That’s right, way too many. You really need to nail your Packers spacecraft for the battle with the Bears in the sky. Why couldn’t your spaceship be a winged team bus with supercharged engines? Or a flying version of the Atrium powered by Donald Driver’s shimmy? Your spaceship is really an opportunity to let your creativity soar – don’t disappoint.

4. Going back to change your Packers sci-fi movie, claiming to be updating it. The Packers team will change, adding and losing players, but your movie shouldn't. That's the cast you started with, that's the team at the time, stop tinkering with it...you're ruining it. Rodgers shot first.

5. For the love of Lambeau, no more retro-futurist alien races! I’ve seen everything from farming, Amish-like communities to vintage 80s societies who like to break dance. Look around. Whether clothing or culture, our world is extremely diverse – why would your alien population be any different?

6. Bleeding is for sissies! Throughout your Packers sci-fi movie, your hero will undoubtedly get into some serious fights (let’s hope so anyway!). What normally happens is an exchange of violent blows in which either your hero or villain may get scratched but never really injured. Huh?? Last I checked football is a dangerous sport. Players get more than just nicked up, they experience serious bodily harm, season-ending IR or worse – your characters should be the same. So be sure James Starks’ arm is cut off if the villain slices it off with a plasma laser sword, Ok people? That will just make his eventual triumph that much more meaningful.

7. Ted Thompson as some cliched zen-like mentor/teacher character. That’s too easy. Instead have him be your ship's mechanic. He can have a few lines like, "We are always exploring options to upgrade the warp-drive" and "I like where our flight crew's at right now", but other than that he should just be covered in grease and scowl a lot.

8. Don't overlook the spaceship or other vessel as a character to be developed. When you can make the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs, or you can make 70,000 people go out-of-their-minds-crazy when they hear a simple music riff or a song by Todd Rundgren, there is something to be explored there.

9. Overuse/reliance of the “Touchdown” celebration. Ok, we get it – people love a great touchdown celebration. And when you your Packer hero(s) finally blows up the Vikings mothership or renders Megatron futile, you’re going to want to celebrate. That’s fine – great even. Just don’t resort to Riverdancing on fallen enemies or pretending to photon-blast your mechanical thigh holster for a cheap thrill. Unless you can think of something truly original (risky), a simple fist pump or barbaric space yawp will do.

Did we get them all?

Great Greg

Most guys get by just being good.

For some guys though, that’s not gonna do.

Like this one Greg guy in Green and Gold

Gets after “great” like no other Greg before.

Greg’s goal is to just be great

And Greg gets after it every day.

Greg’s gifted with some great genetics,

But Greg’s greatness is no gimmick.

The gravity of Greg’s greatness is so genius,

Greg should get his own genre – believe it.

There’s no gap in Greg’s greatness.
If you say there is, well that’s just garbage.

Now give it up for your Greg – GREG!
Now give it up for your Greg – GREG!

G to the J all the way…

Greg Jennings y’all….

Be great Packer fans....

Jordy Kent?

Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. From Kansas. Parents are farmers. Received the Nice Guy Award at the annual Doug Jirschele Sports Awards Banquet in Clintonville, WI. (Okay, I can only confirm one got that, but I'm sure the other would qualify as well)

Look at the picture below. Now, close your eyes and picture Jordy in blue spandex and wearing a bright red cape. Not too far fetched, is it?

I have no idea if Jordy Nelson's arch-enemy is a bald, criminal mastermind who coached high school basketball in Indiana the fifties, but I ask you this: have you ever seen Superman and Jordy Nelson in the same place at the same time?

I didn't think so.

You be the judge.

Looks pretty good, but I prefer him in Green and Gold.

My Apologies

Brett Favre thinks I should have posted something sooner.

Sorry. I'll get something this week.  I've been crazy busy.

Go Pack.

Packers Secret Halloween Party - Caught on Camera!

Yesterday the Packers held a private Halloween Party in a secret location outside of Green Bay. If you happened to be on Twitter from 2-4am, an unidentified user was sending out photos taken from the event earlier in the day. Thankfully, the Ranter intern staff was able to capture these awesome photos of the Packers in Halloween costumes before they were deleted from Twitter. Check ‘em out.

Donald Driver in epic homemade Death Star costume

John Kuhn as a vending machine

Desmond Bishop and Jordy Nelson ain't afraid of no ghost

Mike McCarthy, proud Trekkie

And everyone’s favorite Teddy, TT himself.

Who's YOUR favorite?

Rant Club

This week, each one of you has a homework assignment, you're going to go out and make a Viking fan give you the AJ Hawk salute.

What?

Okay, fine. I'm geting ahead of myself. 

The NFL hype machine has got us watching games that don't matter and hearing about players that can't play. There's no competition for the Packers, so we, as fans have become complacent. We're stuck complaining that Packers didn't score enough, that there were too many mistakes made even in overwhelming and convincing victory.

I see so much potential for more.

That's why we've formed Rant Club.

Rule number one of Rant Club: you talk about Rant Club ALL THE TIME. 

Rule number two of Rant Club: You. Talk. About. Rant Club. All. The. Time.

Rule number three of Rant Club: Someone yells, "Go, Pack!" you respond with, "Go, Pack!" Always.

Fourth rule: As many people Rant as want to Rant.

Fifth rule: One man on the grill at all times. You tailgate in all weather. 

Sixth rule: Green and Gold gear at all times...unless it's Throwbacks.

Seventh rule: Packers talk will go on as long as it has too.

Eighth rule: If this is your first time at Rant Club...you bring the beer.

Robert and I came to Rant Club for the first time, and our asses were wads of cheese curds. After a few weeks, we became tough, sinewy beef jerky. After Ranting, everything in your life will get the volume turned down.

Are you talking about Rant Club, yet? Good. Where's my beer?

I am Franklin's over-inflated sense of superiority due to being a Packer fan. 

Aaron Rodgers at the Science Fair

Science is simply common sense at its best. ~Thomas Huxley

How can you argue with science? Answer: You can’t. ~Unknown

Long Distance Request and Dedication

Congrats, Detroit Lions. You're 4-0. Big accomplishment. 

I dedicate this song to you:

The one thing about luck? It always runs out.

Complex

Attention span – I rarely have one. If you have a good one, congratulations. Like a lot of people, I am often easily distracted by the “shiny bunny” (that is, whatever louder, more colorful, or cooler-looking thing crosses my path). Sure, I blame society and pop culture and the media, but that’s for another Rant.

This lack of focus is usually not a problem when I’m at home or at my desk, and can hunt for the next shiny bunny – usually in the form of channel/web/radio surfing with occasional bouts of productivity and creative cooking. But it becomes an issue when my precious media devices and refrigerator are simply not accessible and I’m forced to just sit there.

Think lectures. Think church. Think meetings.

Let’s be honest, if the topic doesn’t interest you, what are you going to do? Sleep? No, you’re going to look around and daydream. Note: you can really kill some time harkening back to simpler times or brainstorming weapons of mass zombie destruction. While those remain some of my back-pocket options, my go-to daydreaming adventure – the thing I do most often in these situations – has got to be winging imaginary footballs off prominent objects in the room.

I simply cannot help it. A window. A poster. A lamp. A pattern on the wall. Someone’s melon. Hut-hut-hike! Whether I’m checking down off some dude’s drink, threading the needle at a podium microphone or throwing a bomb out of the conference center window, I’m peppering all these objects with tightly bound spirals of destruction… in my head. (You have no idea how much I crave a real football after these situations.)

To those people reading this who teach or monologue in front of others, if you see someone zinging imaginary footballs during your lecture, take it as a sign you need to work on your presentation skills. You’re welcome.

Emergency Protocol Enacted

Following today's torching of the Denver Broncos, we have learned from our sources deep inside the bowels of Lambeau that the Packers' equipment staff have been forced to enact Emergency Protocol 12.0

The Ranter has obtained a transcript of an exchange between a mid-level equipment manager and their supervisor shortly following the team's exit from the locker room.

"Sir, we have an issue here...I....I....I think it's time."

"Are you sure? You have to be absolutely positive before this happens."

"Sir, I think we need to do it...it's not safe here otherwise, for him or for others."

"Okay. Okay. You know what to do."

"Yes sir. I will inform the others that we are....enacting Emergency Protocol Twelve-Point-O."

"We knew this day would come. You have all been trained for it.  Now is when you will rely on that training."

"Yes, sir. We are ready."

"Good. I'm confident you will make the Packers' organization proud."

"Thank you...ummm...sir?"

"Yes?"

"How long does Emergency Protocol Twelve-Point-O last?"

"Well, your guess is as good as mine...but you've seen everything I have. There is no indication that this will stop....for a long time."

Pretty telling conversation, I thought.

For those of you wondering what Emergency Protocol 12.0 is, our crack research team has obtained a copy of the Green Bay Packers Top Secret Policy and Protocol Manual. (Don't ask how we got it. If we told you, we'd have to kill you. And we like you. All of you.)

On page 783, EP-12.0 is outlined:

"In the event that player #12 begins to display unnatural temperature levels on the field, specifically temperatures exceeding those any normal human should have, his uniform, pads, helmet, and cleats shall be removed from his normal locker and stored in the specially designed locker pictured below."

"Player #12's equipment should only be removed 30 minutes prior to the following week's game and then only by trained individuals wearing their protective high-temperature gear."

I think we all saw this day coming. I, for one, am glad that the Packers' equipment staff are well-trained for this event. Also, it looks as though we are dangerously close to enacting Emergency Protocol 85.0 and Emergency Protocol 21.0.

We, as fans, could be so lucky.

Stay safe, equipment staffers.