Thursday, October 9, 2014

Laces Out, Dan? Not So Fast.

In honor of the Packers traveling to Miami this Sunday, I thought I’d revisit the greatest Hollywood field goal attempt in recent memory – that from Ace Ventura, Pet Detective (1994). I’m going to go ahead and assume you’ve seen it because if you haven’t, honestly, I feel bad for you.

But the main antagonist’s desire for revenge stems from the kicker’s miss of a potential Super Bowl-winning field goal due to the classic laces out vs. laces in argument. Now, most people assume the football should be positioned toward the goal post (laces out) rather than toward the kicker (laces in). This supposedly allows the kicker to connect with the smooth part of the ball, and better control its trajectory.

But is this always the case? What if the laces were in for the only pro athlete to come out of Cauler County? The Ranter was determined to find out so along with our advanced software engineering intern, Log Jam, we hit our in-house 3D virtual laboratory to see if a laces-in kick would’ve allowed Ray Finkle to make that fateful field goal in Ace Ventura.

First of all, let’s take a good look at the kick. As you can see, the ball just sails juuuuuust past the left goal post.
"Ray Finkle blew a 26-yard field goal!"
Taking a virtual model of the field goal post, then triangulating the position of the ball with relation to distance of kick, we discover the ball passes a mere twelve inches to the left – a relative minuscule amount. In other words, by not striking the ball perpendicular to its axis, one could say Finkle simply “pulled the kick.” By extrapolating the distance (W) of the missed kick within the Cartesian coordinate system of a simple X-Y graph, we can see a clear +2.3-degree variance along the X axis (marked in blue) accounts for the noted deviation.
Now, let’s reverse this mathematically induced scenario with laces-in circumstances. You’ll notice immediately that the convex physical characteristics of the laces (NFL standard laces protrusion = approx. 5.5mm) allows Ray to connect with the ball earlier, actually offsetting the x axis variance from the laces-in model and striking the ball perfectly square.

The kick is clean and true, traveling perfectly straight through the uprights. He makes the field goal, guys. *drops mic*

Conclusion: In most cases, the common laces-out configuration holds true (pun intended). However, the aforementioned scientific analysis provides sufficient evidence that a laces-IN kick would’ve indeed allowed Ray Finkle to make the field goal described in the seminal film, Ace Ventura, Pet Detective (1994).

And if you TROLLS dare question the translation accuracy of the visual medium, let it be known that Log Jam spent numerous hours analyzing samples of 1980’s projector-style reel footage superimposed onto 1990's Hollywood-style 35mm film and then compressed the into Youtube’s 2014 online platform. (Turns out, it’s basically a wash.)
Log Jam earning his letter of recommendation
Edit: I just realized if Ray Finkle makes the kick, it creates a significant distortion in the space-time continuum of the Ace Ventura movie universe. That means Ray Finkle never transforms into Lieutenant Einhorn in order to seek out revenge. A young-Courtney-now-a-cougar-Cox never reaches out to Ace Ventura to find Snowflake. The entire story is erased from existence and the world misses out on one of the greatest comedic performances of all time! 

S#$T! How do I delete this post? Damn it, Jim – I’m a scientist, not a computer programmer!

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Free Advertising for Your Charity

They say nothing in life is free. I say they’re wrong.

Are you a local charity or nonprofit operating on a shoestring advertising budget? Can you verify your organization is considered reputable as evaluated by sites such as Charity Navigator or Great Nonprofits? Then we’d like to offer you complimentary prime advertising real estate on our site. Look up – that spot.

Believe it or not, we get contacted a lot for advertising. But it’s usually for gambling sites, and while they pay well, we’ve never cared much for the money (although it has paid for an annual ticket and a couple beverages in the past). Franklin and I are lucky enough to have full-time jobs – even if it is working for the man. And when you combine that with the fact we’ve been noodling doing something of value for a while, that represents our only real motivation.

I suppose if there’s one catch, it’s that your ad will be on a website known for unconventional Packers humor, trash talking with opposing fans and frequent that’s-what-she-said jokes. However, although Google says thousands of people visit this site each month, I’ll leave it up to you how you handle your brand. And hey, this may even motivate us to write more. 

Since we’re a Packers site, we’re looking for Green Bay- and Wisconsin-area organizations but remain open if no one else contacts us. And depending on interest, we may have to rotate every month or so.

And if you don’t have a creative marketing department, we’ll even help create the ad, and I love me some Photoshop all right;)

Just contact us via the Twitter machine or email. Have a nice day.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Straight Packers Chat

If you’re anything like me and on the computer most of the day, email threads about the Packers will come up often (and are always welcome). While it can sometimes get heated, I found this personal thread that took place over the course of 20 emails yesterday to be extremely unfiltered and optimistic. So why not share it with other fans?*

Subject: PACK

TM: Their D has got to be better this year right? I mean it can’t get any worse. Clinton-Dix is a HUGE get. Bigger than Peppers IMO. IF they can stay healthy—should be a solid unit. I do think Abbey is going to have a good year too with returning kickoffs and punts and seeing some WR action. Excited for season to start.

JJ: I think Peppers is going to be HUGE. A little worried about Clay and his injury.

TM: What injury? From last year? Rest him entire preseason.

FH: I bet Micah Hyde starts at safety.

TM: F—that I will bet you a 6 pack of Lakefront Riverwest Stein that he does NOT start. No effing way. Clinton-Dix will start week 1. Book it.

FH: I’ll take that bet. (Purely on winning the job, not from injury.) McCarthy loves him some Hyde.

TM: Ummm—what does Capers think? I think he has final say on who starts on D. Shake hands…..we have witnesses.

FH: I know Capers does have final say, but I also know that McCarthy doesn’t make statements lightly. {shakes hand} YES! First bet of the season. Feels good.

JJ: Great bet. MM wants Hyde on the field all 4 downs. Good problem to have if our D backfield is deep enough that he may not get to play. Outside Corners: Tramon, Shields. Slot: Hayward. Safeties: Burnett and HaHa. Hyde floats between slot and Safety. House backup on the outside. Wow.

TM: F-injuries this year. Also think Bulaga coming back is HUGE as well.

RG: Contract year players: Bulaga, Tramon, Jordy, Randall, Sherrod, J Bush, Raji, House, DuJuan, Boykin.

FH: I have very high expectations for this team, as they do themselves, I would venture to guess.

JJ: I would hope that Jordy, Cobb and Bulaga get deals before the season starts if healthy.

FH: I actually say you let Sherrod and Bulaga battle it out. Both have injury questions.

JJ: Bulaga, when healthy was best RT in the league. If Sherrod is that good, I would agree. Just haven't seen him play in an actual game in a meaningful role. Hope is still in 1st rd. OL material.  

RG: Bakhtiari could be the best on the O-Line this year and for years to come. Love him.

FH: Bulaga hasn’t played since November of 2012.

JJ: Good point re: Bulaga. That's right he had that weird hip injury before the knee. Really hope he gets back to pro bowl form. Would be huge.  

FH: Having Bakhtiari saved the season an equal amount to having Lacy. IMO.

JJ: Can't wait to see what Lacy does in Sophomore campaign. Such a monster. When does Harris even get on the field?

RG: Also think Carl Bradford will be a stud, and the biggest steal of the Packers draft.

*Posted with emailers' permission

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Packers Minimalist Wallpaper/Poster

So I was GISing (Google Image Searching) for Packers screensavers the other day and couldn't really find anything particular that I liked. And when I considered that Franklin and I have always appreciated minimalist movie posters, I thought I'd combine the two ideas.
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