Some Further Reality TV Ideas

I woke up from a dead sleep last night convinced I had a ton of better ideas for a Packers-based reality show than  ‘Cheeseheads’ that may be airing on TBS sometime in the future. Seriously? How long did it take to come up with that title? Probably about the same amount of time it takes for one of the meatheads on The Jersey Shore to get into a drunken brawl. My potential shows don’t even require talentless moneygrubbers to make a sex tape before being cast…I cannot confirm or deny this will be the case for the TBS show.

My shows:

 1) “Athletic Supporters” – 8 rookie equipment managers are followed through the Packers’ season, beginning with initial training and continuing through OTA’s, training camp, and the regular season. Cast members are given challenges and evaluated by grizzled veterans of the equipment manager trade. Packers’ players vote and gradually the Athletic Supporters are eliminated one by one. The winning Supporter gets a permanent job on the Packers equipment staff. “Athletic Supporters” has high potential for product placement and sponsorship by sporting goods companies; it should be easy to sell to a network.

 2) “Keeping Up With the Joneses” – This is the true story of three Packers picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when the Joneses stop being polite and start getting real. Okay, there are probably trademark issues with using that as the intro, but it just sounds so cool…or at least it did 20 years ago. Not so much now. Also the title, which of course refers to trying equal and/or surpass your neighbor’s social status through the accumulation of material goods, is effectively ruined by the aforementioned amateur adult film star with no discernible talents reality show. Basic premise of this program is you put James Jones, Brad Jones, and recent draft pick Datone Jones in a house and film their exploits over the course of the season. This is pretty much cookie-cutter reality TV, but I’d rather watch this than having to suffer through Packers fans getting annihilated in Lambeau parking lots prior to games. Plus, Brad Jones plays the viola, so that’s cool.

 3) “Ball Buster” – This show would follow the exploits of Packers’ Vice President of Football Administration/Player Finance, Russ Ball. Mr. Ball stays very much out of the spotlight, so any glimpse behind the curtain into his work as the Wizard of 1265 would make for fascinating TV. He has a pretty broad scope of work with the Packers, including supervision of various departments. One of which being Equipment, so he could probably be added as a guest judge on “Athletic Supporters” at some point. Seeing how these departments function would be interesting to say the least, but the real drama would come when Mr. Ball is negotiating player contracts, hence the name of the program. Seriously, how exciting and informative would it be to see Russ negotiating with agents? I mean this guy just negotiated the biggest contract in NFL history. I think networks could make this program pay-per-view and charge whatever they wanted, and I would still watch it. Plus, the name is pretty cool.

4) “Top Chef: Tailgate” – I’m not sure Padma Lakshmi has ever been to Green Bay, but I can absolutely picture her and Tom Colicchio strolling the parking lots of Lambeau sampling chef contestants pre-game entrees. Various competitions could include creating tailgate beverages…mmmm, bloody Marys…appetizers, entrees, etc, etc. Picture this: contestants are provided a grill, a piece of beef and tongs and are tasked with a Quickfire Challenge of grilling up a tasty slab of beef before the guest judges make it to the front of the porta-potty line. Or this: each contestant must use an RV kitchen to create an entire tailgate spread for 30 people. Man, my mouth started watering just thinking of porkbelly sliders accompanied by a spicy horseradish bloody Mary. (I, of course, would be a weekly judge). The winner of Top Chef: Tailgate would be able to create one menu item featured at all Lambeau Field Concession stands and wpould take over Curly’s Pub and design and execute a gourmet quality menu for restaurant. It probably could use it.

 5) “Sausage Race” – This is obviously a hat-tip to the Sausage Races at Miller Park, however, this is actually a race. On a road. In cars. Shaped like sausages. Contestants begin the season in the Lambeau Field parking lot and race each other to the following week’s Packers’ game.  Picture Cannonball Run in Oscar Mayer Wienermobiles. Obviously, the safety of other drivers on the roads and highways would be put in jeopardy by this race. However, sometimes the best defense is a good offense, so if you see one of these Sausagemobiles flying by, feel free to spray them with ketchup and mustard, or throw cans of sauerkraut at them. All’s fair in love and sausage. Each race team would receive two tickets to that week’s game except the team who arrived last. They would be eliminated and forced to find their own way home sans sausage vehicle. The season’s winning Sausage team would be given a set of Packers’ season tickets and allowed to keep their Sausagemobile. I actually think I may remove myself from any sort of development credit on this program, so as to be eligible to participate. I’ve seen enough Vin Diesel to know I could win this.

 6) I have one more idea. Well, I have a bunch more ideas, but this one is more of my pet project than anything. Robert and I will probably execute it in my basement regardless of the potential to sell it to ESPN Reality (That’s probably going to be a thing at some point. You know it. I know it.) I’ve always thought that it would be highly entertaining to watch games with an alternate or additional commentary than that of the T.V. or radio. Robert and I would DVR a game and then rewatch part of it adding our own commentary on top of the TV announcers. If you’ve ever watched “Mystery Science Theater 3,000”, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, I feel sorry for you, and you should close this and head here. The potential material is endless…think of the Fail Mary game and what could have been added to the bungling refs and Pete Carroll running onto the field like a crazed moron. I can’t tell if I’m more excited to see a finished “Packer Ranter Theatre 4,371” episode or to sit in my basement and drink beers and watch old Packer games with Robert. Like I said, pet project….

 If you have any other ideas for Packers reality T.V. shows, please share in the comments below. You will be given full producer credits.

Why Is Everyone Hating on Jerron McMillian?

I love draft season. It’s fantastic stuff for a football nerd, and it’s the only time during the NFL season where who “wins” and “loses” is actually 100% debatable conjecture (just ask Viking fans–they wrap up the division title in late April every year). Armchair GMs hoot and holler and pundits toss out grades in 48 hours for an event that will take at least 3 seasons to truly evaluate.

The #1 pre-draft Packers-related story that kept bothering me was the insistence that safety was a top “need” for the Packers. Excuse me, Flo? Look, I understand if the Packers would have been able to come to an agreement with a Michael-Huff-type-guy on a short-term deal to allow the young safeties to get an extra year of development, but to take one high in the draft was about as good of an idea as another Spider-Man reboot starring that kid from Two and a Half Men.

See, the way that our friend Theodore runs this team is a strategy that he calls “draft and develop”. And one of the things that is fantastic about the way he scouts that bothers the hell out of the casual draftnik/Packers fan is that Ted doesn’t give a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin’ it on where you went to school, he just cares if you can play football. People assume because the SEC is the dominant conference in college football, it’s where all the good prospects come from. I like to call that “The Tale of the Mighty Chad Jackson and the Meager Greg Jennings”.

Observe:

Top Players at Their Positions:

QB: Aaron Rodgers, Cal (Pac 12)
RB: Adrian Peterson, Oklahoma (Big 12)
WR: Calvin Johnson, Georgia Tech (ACC)
TE: Jimmy Graham, The U Basketball Player (ACC)
OT: Joe Thomas, Wisconsin (Big 10)
Pass Rusher: Wisconsin, JJ Watt (Big 10)
DB: Darelle Revis, Pitt (Big East)

Top Players on Super Bowl XLV Championship Team:

QB: Aaron Rodgers, Cal (Pac 12)
WR: Greg Jennings, Western Michigan (MAC)
WR: Donald Driver, Alcorn State (SWAC)
OLB: Clay Matthews, USC (Pac 12)
DL: Cullen Jenkins, Central Michigan (MAC)
DB: Charles Woodson, Michigan (Big 10)
DB: Nick Collins, Bethune-Cookman (MEAC)

(What? No SEC? Good lord don’t let any Alabama fans see this!)

So I don’t know if it’s because Matt Elam went to Florida, or because Jerron McMillian went to Maine or both, but there is a lack of respect for him that I just don’t understand. McMillian has decent size as well as possessing outstanding measurables. Jerron ran a 4.56 40 and possesses a 36.5” vertical leap, while finishing second among all safeties in the 3-cone drill in the 2012 NFL Combine. He possesses a physical presence that does not exist with any of the other DBs on the roster, with the possible exception of Davon House.

You, nor Mel Kiper, nor Leon Sandcastle himself can explain to me why replacing a 24-year old prospect with a 22-year old prospect after watching him flash considerable potential as a ROOKIE (first-year player) would have made any sense at all. Not only did Jerron record 27 tackles and an interception in limited action, but he also would have made a game-clinching INT in the game-that-shall-not-be-named which was nullified by a phantom PI called on the 16 Million Dollar Man himself (Erik Walden).

Let me be very clear: Jerron McMillian was drafted by Teddy with the intention of being Morgan Burnett’s running mate for the foreseeable future. Ted doesn’t trade up for guys that he doesn’t feel are tremendous values and guys he wants to make significant impacts on this team. Moreover, Ted is a prideful man, and he’s not going to admit he made a mistake on McMillian by drafting his replacement in the subsequent player selection meeting.

I’m not saying that Jerron is going to end up being Nick Collins. Collins was a multiple time Pro Bowl participant who was a sure-fire Packers Hall of Famer before the catastrophic neck injury that ended his career. Besides, Collins had elite speed that allowed him to cover incredible amounts of ground as the “center fielder” whereas McMillian loves to mix it up down in the box (that’s what she said?). I will however, draw comparisons to their development.

Nick Collins was a widely questioned second-round pick in one of Teddy’s earlier drafts with the Packers. There was certainly a question as to why a kid projected anywhere from round 4 to round 6 out of Bethune-Cookman was being taken with the 51^st overall pick. Collins had elite physical tools, but the level of competition he played against and the value of the pick was concerning (why not trade down if no one else has ever heard of Nick Collins or something called Bethune-Cookman?). McMillian is another small-school prospect with great physical tools that Ted made a “questionable” decision (trading up) on.

Did you know that Nick Collins only forced 8 turnovers over his first 3 seasons, including just 4 INTs? Did you know that in the subsequent 3 seasons he created 21 turnovers including 17 INTs? Did you know that Nick Collins made the most memorable defensive play of Super Bowl XLV? I’m going to guess you only knew one of those things.

The point is that if we want the Packers to win championship(s), the best-case scenario is that McMillian is an above-average starter at one of the safety positions. That way resources (draft picks) can be allocated where they haven’t already been used. Instead of taking a young safety to immediately replace him, we (I’m an owner of the team, damnit, I can say “we”) took Datone Jones and Eddie Lacy, body/skill types we didn’t have. It also allowed us to move down and select players who will provide depth at positions (RB, OL) where depth has been a sore spot.

Everyone quit hatin’ on Jerron and enjoy the ride. (drops mic)

You can follow Ross Uglem, aka “D3 Hack” on Twitter as @Rug_pHd12

You want a toe? I can get you a toe.

Believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me. Hell, I can get you a toe by three o'clock this afternoon...with nail polish.

These #$%&ing amateurs...
Eddie Lacy has a toe. Eddie Lacy's toe is apparently more of a hot topic than anyone realized, whether it has green nail polish or not. I would have thought his 1,322 yards, 17 touchdowns and 6.5 yards per carry would be a better topic of discussion. Silly, Hillside.

With the news that Denver and Pittsburgh passed on Lacy because of a toe surgery before his 2012 season, his toe is now a concern...for some. Not me, and not the Green Bay Packers. It's also not a concern for Lacy or the doctor, Dr. E. Lyle Cain Jr., who performed the surgery, according to an article by Tyler Dunne.  This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none, and this little piggy had bone fusion surgery that will not affect his big toe motion.

Are you worried that his fall to the second round, being drafted after other running backs when he was the highest rated player at his position, is an indication that his toe situation will derail his Packers' career? I wouldn't bother worrying if I were you. I had a chance this past week to speak with a couple guys that are very close to Eddie Lacy and very close to his big toe in particular. Here's what they said:

"Look, I've known and been working right next to BT (short for Big Toe) my whole life, I can tell you that he is an incredibly hard worker, and he will not let this little surgery stop him from working with ALL of us to help the Green Bay Packers win. He's been an inspiration to me, I've looked up to him. Both figurative and literally, I guess. {chuckles} Of course the turf toe injury hurt BT, but that's why he had the surgery, to make sure that it wouldn't affect him in the future. I watched the whole surgery, front row seat, there was no better group of medical professionals in my opinion, and with a name like E. Lyle Cain Jr. how can he not be a pro? It just sounds impressive. Everyone one of us here helped BT get back into shape, get back to the game. Look what we did last year, do you think we could have done that if BT wasn't ready or if he was affected by the surgery? No way. We're a team down here, and we pick each other up, but BT is so important to what we do that if he wasn't ready, we couldn't have done it. Period. You ask any of these guys, and they'll tell you, BT is the leader and makes it all go...and he's ready, man. He's ready."

-Craig Phalange II aka Eddie Lacy's 2nd toe

"I don't work with BT directly, but down here we function as a group. One weak link and, that's it, we're done. Shut down. Slow. Weak. In that sense, we have to know each guy's situation. Me, personally, I've got a reputation. I go down, and it means pain, and it means long recovery, and it could very well mean not returning to our previous levels of output. I mean, hell, I'm named after a Greek mythological hero whose only point of weakness is essentially...me. BT, he's got all our support, and those four guys next to him have really helped him after the surgery to get the front end of this team working again. 17 touchdowns and 6.5 yards a clip is proof of that. I can tell you that feet are often overlooked for knees or shoulders or heads in this game, but we're important too. BT is a big part of our success. We're ready as a team. If you have any doubt, just look at this cover of Sports Illustrated (pictured above). We came down hard on that poor guy, he didn't even know what was happening. Just stomped him after running over his buddy. Heh. I was talking to Andrew Metatarsal III right after that play, and he said he felt BAD about how we treated that guy. Heh. Andy's always got soft spot when we embarrass guys. Anyway, for those that doubt us, I just laugh and think, 'Wait 'til this season, man. Wait 'til this season.' "

-Bill Achilles aka Eddie Lacy's Achilles tendon

After hearing from Lacy, Lacy's doc, and Craig and Bill, I can't find any reason to believe why the Packers' 2nd round draft pick and BT won't prosper and thrive for the Green Bay Packers.

15 Facts About the 2013 Green Bay Packers Draft Class

by Ross Uglem

1. 1^st round pick and UCLA DE Datone Jones is the first “Datone” to ever be listed on a Green Bay Packers roster. Also, the Vikings have never won a Super Bowl and the sky is blue.
2. Datone was a history major at UCLA, and seems to have a grasp of both NFL and Packer history. While Jones' favorite NFL legend is Michael Strahan, he invoked the name of Reggie White as someone that he models his game after. "All I know is Reggie White played one way, and that was a maniacal effort and just a complete hunger. No matter who he lined up against, he wanted to dominate. And that's the player I want to carry myself after."
3. 2^nd round pick Alabama RB Eddie Lacy was widely expected to be the first tailback taken in this year’s draft until concerns about his health and conditioning allowed him to slide down to the 61^st overall pick.
4. One of Lacy’s more major concerns came from Super Bowl XLV runners-up Pittsburgh (like to slide that in whenever possible), who reported that his big toe had been “fused” and that they wouldn’t touch him with a “ten-foot pole”. This is ironic as a ten-foot pole would have been the only way anyone on Notre Dame’s defense could have touched him in the National Championship.
5. Lacy’s nickname among his college teammates was “circle-button”. This, of course, refers to the button on Sony’s PlayStation controller that corresponds with Lacy’s signature spin move in either of their top-selling football titles, Madden or NCAA Football.
6. 4^th round selection Colorado LT David Bakhtiari is reportedly 50% Persian and 50% Icelandic. In related news, there’s been a 100% increase in use of spell-check by the local Wisconsin media.
7. Bakhtiari’s older brother Eric, plays for the 49ers and has been a member of 6 NFL clubs.
8. 4^th round pick Cornell OL J.C. Tretter went to Cornell. Matt Birk went to Harvard. 
9. Tretter started his collegiate career at tight end before moving over to left tackle. He, like Datone Jones, is lauded for having “good feet” because of their experience playing basketball. Tretter, who now stands at 6’4” and weighs 307 pounds, claims to have been a point guard. Tretter projects to the interior of the line in the pros, and given his intelligence, could factor in to the competition at center.
10. Ted Thompson traded up to select UCLA RB Jonathan Franklin in the 4^th round.  Franklin, projected by many to be one of the best 3 backs in the draft and a 2^nd round talent, is known as “The Mayor” at UCLA. Franklin is also the school’s all-time leading rusher, has aspirations of being the mayor of Los Angeles, his hometown, and has personally guaranteed as much.
11. 5^th round selection CB Micah Hyde of Iowa, a high school QB, had 111 total TDs (65 passing) in four years playing in Fostoria, OH. Hyde is a solid tackling corner, becoming one of less than 70 Iowa players with 200 career tackles. His style of play may eventually result in a move to safety, which appears to be more of a position of need than CB for the Pack.
12. DL Josh Boyd of Mississippi state was first discovered by the Packers while Defensive Line coach Mike Trgovac was scouting Fletcher Cox, the Philadelphia Eagles 1^st round selection a year ago. Boyd figures to provide depth across the line, but his apparent lack of pass rush (1/2 sacks last season) has opened up the idea that Green Bay may want him to add weight and play NT.
13. The Packers only 6^th round selection, DE/OLB Nate Palmer, played at FCS level Illinois State, which also produced Super Bowl XXXI champion and fantastic goatee-wearing Green Bay Packer Mike Prior.
14. The 7^th round brought the selections of WRs Charles Johnson and Kevin Dorsey. While both players have desirable measurables (height/weight/speed/vertical), Johnson played against questionable competition in the NCAA’s Division II, and while attending Maryland Dorsey wore questionable uniforms.
15. The Packers final selection, LB Sam Barrington was 2^nd team all Big East at the University of South Florida. Sam Barrington had a better time in college in South Florida than you did.

You can follow Ross Uglem, aka “D3 Hack” on Twitter as @Rug_pHd12

Packer Draft Grades Are In – And the Zang Meh Doh Says…

I have gone through and scored each pick via the revolutionary patent- and trademark-pending Zang Meh Doh Draft Domination Evaluation Tool we unveiled earlier this month. As with any scientific study, the results and methods must be analyzed to determine validity. Therefore, I holed up in my GOIBER until today...

Before I get to the grades, I must admit I found a significant yet easily fixable flaw in the Zang Meh Doh system that yielded results not commensurable with the selection’s value. Without getting too technical, my baseline was off. If a pick is exactly in line with your pre-draft ranking, as was the case of David Bakhtiari’s positional valuation, the score should be 0 (neither positive nor negative). By subtracting 100 from the previous final score, this outcome was resolved and also provided appropriate scores to the draft selection’s values - whether proportionally positive or negative. Here are the two revised scoring formulas to play along at home. I will also walk you through each pick’s score as well.

As a reminder that a true ZANG! (excellent) value pick is only achieved when the value of the player exceeds both the overall and positional categories. By comparison, a DOH! (fail) results when both overall and positional values are subpar.

Last point. Since I have not yet been granted access to the Packers draft board (call me, guys, this is important), I had to use someone else’s. I found that an NFL Draft Prospect ranking at CBSSports.com that provided me exactly with was I needed – the overall ranking and the positional ranking. I therefore used their rankings in the Zang Meh Doh. Follow this link for those rankings I mentioned.

Ok, Packer fans, Let’s see how ol’ TT did.

RD 1. Datone Jones, DE, taken as the 26^th overall and the 4^th at his position. Jones was pre-ranked as the 27^th overall and the 3^rd at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 29, Meh.

RD 2. Eddie Lacy, RB, taken as the 61^st overall and the 4^th at his position. Lacy was pre-ranked as the 36^th overall and the 1^st at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 369, Zang!

RD 4. David Bakhtiari, OT, taken as the 109^th overall and the 8^th at his position. Bakhtiari was pre-ranked as the 76^th overall and the 8^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 43, Zang!

RD 4. J.C. Tretter, OG, taken as the 122^nd overall and the 9^th at his position. Tretter was pre-ranked as the 189^th overall and the 10^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -45, Doh!

RD 4. Jonathan Franklin, RB, taken as the 125^th overall and the 6^th at his position. Franklin was pre-ranked as the 51^st overall and 2^nd at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 345, Zang!

RD 5. Micah Hyde, CB, taken as the 159^th overall and the 22^nd at his position. Hyde was pre-ranked as the 205^th overall and the 25^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -35, Doh!

RD 5. Josh Boyd, DT, taken as the 167^th overall and 13^th at his position. Boyd was pre-ranked the 171^st overall and the 15^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -15, Doh!

RD 6. Nathan Palmer, OLB, taken as the 193^rd overall and the 14^th at his position. Palmer was pre-ranked the 593^rd overall and the 51^st at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -140, Doh!

RD 7. Charles Johnson, WR, taken as the 216^th overall and the 24^th at his position. Johnson was pre-ranked the 230^th overall and the 28^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -20, Doh!

RD 7. Kevin Dorsey, WR, taken as the 224^th overall and the 25^th at his position. Dorsey was pre-ranked the 416^th overall and the 47^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -93, Doh!

RD 7. Samuel Barrington, OLB, taken as the 233^rd overall and the 16 at his position. Barrington was pre-ranked the 319^th overall and the 14^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -13, Meh.

Final Score: 3 ZANGS! 2 MEHs. 6 DOHs! From the Packers' top Zang to lowest Meh draft values, the results are: 

1. Eddie Lacy (369)
2. Johnathan Franklin (345)
3. David Bakhtiari (43)
4. Datone Jones (29)
5. Samuel Barrington (-13)
6. Josh Boyd (-15)
7. Charles Johnson (-20)
8. Micah Hyde (-35)
9. J.C. Tretter (-45)
10. Kevin Dorsey (-93)
11. Nathan Palmer (-140).

Analysis: It’d be way too easy to get down on the 2^nd half of the draft with all those DOHs taken on the 3^rd day, but let’s be honest, rounds 5-7 are pretty much a shot in the dark. If you get one guy that works out, great. Clearly, Packers don’t mind taking a few extra “swings” with those later picks.

On the positive side – and there’s a LOT that I see – we essentially nailed 4 out of our top 5 picks and hit value HOME RUNS with Lacy and Franklin. It is really hard to find exceptional value in the first round, so to grab Datone Jones there will decent value and to fill a need is about a good as one could hope for. Moreover, to score so highly with your top picks/talent pool is absolutely huge and for that reason, I’ll have to concur with the general feeling of a B+ draft. However, if you’re like me, you needed to see the breakdown to be sure.

Now, please keep in mind these value rankings coincide with for the CBS draft board. In order to get Green Bay's detailed value assessment, I would need their draft board. And I would also need a computer science undergrad who would enter all 500+ draft prospects into a custom program he/she would create for a passionate letter of recommendation and a free cup at the 2013 Ranter holiday party. 

Ted, if the draft is all about value, I'd say you were Zang this draft, especially toward the early picks that matter. As far as day three of the draft, I'll have to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Disclaimer: The Zang Meh Doh Ultimate Draft Evaluation Domination Tool for the Modern General Manager is patent- and trademark-pending and proprietary to the website PackerRanter.com. All media inquiries should be directed to packerranter at yahoo.com. Thank you for your cooperation.

To ALL Ranter Staff – Please Read NOW – Packers Draft Party

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f#cking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this staff, we have been F#CKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with the Bikini Girls. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f#cking AWKWARD and so f#cking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Robert, I've been having so much fun with the other interns this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to f#cking find you and to do it myself.

I do not give a flying f#ck, and the Bikini Girls do not give a flying f#ck, about how much you f#cking love to nerd out with each other over draft prospects. You have 361 days out of the f#cking year to talk to each other, and this week is NOT, I f#cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about socializing with the Bikini Girls while welcoming new talent to the Green Bay Packers, and that's not f#cking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not about our Ranter party. Newsflash you stupid c#cks: THE BIKINI GIRLS DON'T LIKE BORING BLOGGERS. Oh wait, DOUBLE F#CKING NEWSFLASH: THE BIKINI GIRLS ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F#CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F#CKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little sh#ts that have talked openly about post partying at a different Packers draft party IN FRONT OF THE BIKINI GIRLS. Are you people f#cking stupid? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If the Bikini Girls openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Cheesehead TV over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE F#CK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be going to another Packers draft party, I don't give a F#CK if Brian Carriveau is going to be there. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f#cking NOT convince other Ranter staff to leave with you.

"But Robert!", you say in a whiny little b#tch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our team all year, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID F#CKING #SS HATS, IT F#CKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F#CKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN F#CKING UP AT SOBER F#CKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being f#cking WEIRD at games (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's a 2-point conversion?" is not f#cking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F#cking. Team. ARE YOU F#CKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SH#T about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR G#DDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO LAMBEAU? ARE YOU F#CKING BLIND? Or are you just so f#cking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Packers is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE F#CKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY THE F#CKING BIKINI GIRLS. I will f#cking junk punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a f#ck if you SOR me, I WILL F#CKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Robert, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little @sswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird sh#t that does weird sh#t during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO THE DRAFT PARTY.

I'm not f#cking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS BLOG. I would rather have 4 unpaid employees that are fun, talk to girls, and not f#cking awkward than 8 that are f#cking losers. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to girls I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't f#cking show up unless you're going to stop being a damn c#ck block for our blog. Seriously. I swear if I see anyone being a damn b#ner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a f#ck. Go f#ck yourself.

Zang Meh Doh – The Ultimate Draft Evaluation Domination Tool for the Modern General Manager

Ted Thompson, Doug Melvin, professional and fantasy General Managers alike, pay attention, because I have created a simple yet highly effective tool to help you not just succeed – but dominate – your drafts year in and year out.

It is called the “Zang Meh Doh” and it can work for you.

Zang meaning “excellent.”

Meh meaning “OK.”

Doh meaning “fail.”

Do not be fooled by its simple nature! When wielded properly, it’s extremely powerful and effective (that’s what she said).

Here’s how it works. Every potential draft pick is rated using a combination of two numbers formulated by your pre-draft rankings. The first number will be your Overall Valuation (OV) of the draft prospect, and second will be his Positional Valuation (PV).

To determine the Overall Valuation (OV), take your current pick, divide by the overall rank you have the player listed and then multiply by 100. Positional Valuation is done similarly. Take the number of players at his position already off the board, divide that number by you pre-draft positional ranking, and multiply by 100. Anything over 100 is considered positive (+) and under 100 is considered negative (-). The sum of these two numbers is your final Zang Meh Doh.

For the sake of argument, we’ll use former Badgers’ running back Montee Ball’s rankings from the wonderfully extensive and incredibly affordable Cheesehead TV Draft Guide. There, Ball is listed as the 71^st overall prospect and the 4^th-rated Running Back. In this example, let’s pretend Ball is still available for the Packers at the 88^th pick but only 2 Running Backs have been selected.

The Zang Meh Doh would give you a positive outcome for the OV of +124. (88/71 x 100), but a negative outcome for the PV of -50 (2/4 x 100) – again, anything lower than 100 is negative. Let’s enter those numbers in the chart and see the final grade.

As you can see, it would be a good score in the OV, meaning good value for the pick, but this is offset by the negative PV, indicating a possible reach at the position. In other words, very Meh at 74. You probably want to look elsewhere for some clear Zangs or some more-convincing Mehs.

BUT, let’s say there were 5 Running Backs off the board and Ball was still there with the 88^th pick. Re-entering those numbers still gives us an OV of +124 but now we can add on a positive PV of 125 (5/4 x 100). According to the chart, it’s a nice ZANG pick at 249.

Kind reader or professional draft strategist, it truly is that easy. I’ve drafted over 100 times in fantasy sports of kinds. I was the guy who first had the color-coded draft board and or that brave innovator to only bring the single-sided 8.5 x 11 one-sheet and pen to the draft. That’s because come draft time, it’s all about evaluation simplification. Since you’ve already done the pre-draft homework, the Zang Meh Doh is the ONE tool you need come draft time.

Ted, if you want me to act as an advisor for the draft, I am more than willing but please email me ASAP as I would need to find a replacement for my weekend bowling league. I believe we can make this year’s Packer draft a true Zang-Bang instead of a Meh-Fest or worst of all, a disgusting Doh-Show.

Notable ZANGs of the past include Aaron Rodgers at +2500, and at +14,950, Donald Driver is the biggest ZANG in Packers draft history. I don’t generally don’t like to rip on individual players, but let’s just say the Vikings and the Raiders have a lot had a lot of Doh-Shows in their draft histories, respectively.

Guest Rant: Everything I Know About Football from Someone Who Knows Absolutely Nothing About Football

I recently discovered my coworker – the lovely Cecilia Tomahawk – knew almost nothing about Packers or the NFL despite having lived in Wisconsin her entire life. At first, I thought she was joking but after a few simple questions, it was quite clear her personal Packerpedia was remarkably limited. You could fill the internets three times over with the amount of football knowledge Ms. Tomahawk doesn’t know, so instead, I asked her to tell me exactly what she knows – or thinks she knows – about the sport. Here is what she said.

Everything I Know About Football from Someone Who Knows Absolutely Nothing About Football

By Cecilia Tomahawk

·         Football players’ uniforms include some intensely tight pants. They’re super tight and look flipping uncomfortable.

·         During a football game, which team players are on is indicated by the color of the stripe down the side of their intensely tight pants.

·         Televised football games are things that occur between installments of me watching Amy Poehler and Alec Baldwin in commercials.

·         When football games are televised in bars or restaurants, I’ve noticed that there is a direct correlation between the local team playing well and the number of free shots I receive. The general mood of the crowd seems to be affected directly by this as well.

·         When family and friends gather to watch football games my older female relatives are perpetually in search of some heroic romantic figure who goes by the name Donald Driver – although, wait a minute, is he around anymore? I think he left.

·         “Fantasy Football” is a misleading term, if you ask me. It leads a person to believe that the activity so named will be fantastical, intriguing or exotic in nature. It does not imply that people will systematically form fictional teams in their minds and then proceed to lose money in fantasy football leagues.

·         There are things called brackets that people set up so they can track which teams are winning and losing at various points in the season. This is actually not the first type of brackets I was familiar with, however. In college a large group of my friends would play a game that we called Brackets. It was highly entertaining because we would pit random things against each other like Peanut Butter vs. Jelly, or Batman vs. Oprah, or Battleship vs. Connect Four. And I enjoyed it because we conducted lengthy, passionate debates that ended in clear winners and losers with the winning items moving up in the tournament.

·         I love the Puppy Bowl on Super Bowl Sunday, but I don’t like to admit it because there’s nothing more clichéd or stereotypical than a girl yelling, “Oooh! Puppies! They’re so adorable!” in the middle of a football game.

·         This March, my best friend picked her teams for her office bracket using the construct of whose team mascot would win in a fight. I think this is genius. Though now upon second thought, that applied to college basketball and not professional football. I still think it’s a good idea, but do NFL teams have mascots? I honestly don’t have a clue.

·         Clay Matthews’ hair is too long. Some of the ladies definitely disagree with me on this, I know. But it’s not a good look, man. You need to cut your hair.

A Message to Greg and Tom

We would like to wish Greg Jennings and Tom Crabtree all the best on the newest journeys in their respective careers. (Well, we wish them the best when they are not playing the Packers). Greg and Tom are two classy guys who fully represented what it means to be Green Bay Packers. They were great to the fans and they were great on the field.

85 and 83, you will be missed...

...Dang...I'm gettin' all choked up....I'll just let Michael, Nate, Shawn, and Wanya take it from here.

Go Pack.

Doomsday Preppers: When the Brats Run Dry

Lenny Vanden Heuvel is a lifelong Packers fan that just happens to live in Green Bay, Wisconsin. If there’s one thing Vanden Heuvel understands, it’s the concept of supply and demand. Every morning at 5am, Vanden Heuvel arrives at storied ACME Packing Company’s distribution center to load his truck full of meats to be delivered to grocery stores in the greater Brown County area.

“Guys like me keep things orderly and normal for everyone else. The general public are sheep, but these people will turn into wolves when they can’t get their Johnsonvilles. I’m here to make sure they do,” he says.

Vanden Heuvel is referring to what he believes will be a meat disaster of epic proportions.

“I’m preparing for a violent worldwide strain of super flu mad cow pig disease.”

Such an event, Vanden Heuvel claims, would lead to a complete stoppage of all beef and pork supplies to the U.S., causing what he believes will be “brat depression and tailgate chaos at Lambeau.”

“Sure you’d have still chicken, but for tailgating here, brats are – and always will be – king. You ever been to a Packer tailgate without brats? No, you haven’t because it doesn’t exist. Right now…”

In preparation of such an event, Vanden Heuvel has been methodically stockpiling meats in a secret location. He offered to take me to his meat bunker on one condition: he blindfolds me for the trip.

“The secrecy of this location is my most valuable commodity. Don’t worry, I ain’t weird,” he assures me via email. I accept the offer and we meet at a park and ride in De Pere, where Vanden Heuvel is waiting in a non-descript black SUV save for an “I Miss Vince” bumper sticker. For the next hour, we drive through highways and onto several rough roads while listening to classic rock. Vanden Heuvel is a big fan of Meatloaf, I learn, if you consider that classic rock.

When he takes my blindfold off, Vanden Heuvel tells me to be quiet and silence my electronic devices during the walk. As it turns out, the secret meat bunker is still another five hundred yards away through dense woods. Vanden Heuvel instructs me which areas to step on and which to avoid, as to not leave a trackable pattern.

Thirty minutes later, we reach the premises – a small trailer home covered in camouflage netting. He unlocks the door and there’s nothing inside that would suggest anything out of the ordinary. That is, until he pushes away the couch and rug to reveal a trap door.

“Down here’s where I keep everything. I’ve been working on this for twenty years,” he says.

We walk down an entire flight of stairs that lead to a 30,000 square-foot open room filled with hundreds boxes of meat. “Right before the economy took a dump – thanks Obama – I spent half my savings and hired a crew to finish the place. Best decision of my life.”

Vanden Heuvel states that the underground nature of the room lends itself to cooler temperatures but he has installed a climate control system as well. “Right now, in February, it doesn’t even need to run. But even in summer, it’ll only run if it pushes ninety. Did you know that frozen or semi-frozen brats have a shelf life of twenty years?”

“How much have you spent on brats alone?” I ask him. Without hesitating, Vanden Heuvel estimates one-hundred thousand dollars.

“You have to understand, Robert, that’s pre-middle man and with an employee discount. If you want a current street value of my supply, we’re talking a quarter million – easy. And when the brats run dry, these will be more valuable than gold,” he tells me, holding up a six-pack of Hot ‘N Spicy links. There are enough brats here to feed Lambeau for all the home games this year. Think about that for a second.”

I do in fact think about that for a second and concur: that’s a lot of brats. I then bring up an article I read that because of their much healthier properties and relative ease of production that veggie brats were trending in recent years, and even hypothesized that beef and pork ban outage might actually be a blessing in disguise. After all, studies have shown that red meat products such as brats are linked to both cancer and heart disease.

It was at this point in the interview Vanden Heuvel knocked me out with a blunt object. The next thing I knew I woke up in a dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly on Northland Avenue in Appleton.

Talking to the Turtleneck

I've always been fascinated by the neck. My 4th favorite animal and my 6th favorite dinosaur are known for their necks and have earned my admiration, largely in part to their extensive head/torso connectors.

Not to mention, I'm a huge fan of football equipment and its evolution. One of the greatest pieces of football equipment ever invented is designed to protect the neck. Just ask Tim. (Hint: it's behind those beautiful flowing locks)

I think most people know the importance of the neck.

The neck is where two very important pieces of flair for both men and women are secured.

The neck is where awkward teens mark their territory with disgusting hickeys.

The Neck divides Westeros into North and South.

There are some that would argue that the brain or the heart are the most important parts of the human body, but you know what connects them? The neck.

Do you want to dispatch someone? You may yell, "Off with their head!" to indicate this, but what happens? Their neck is bisected. It has noting to do with the head. Just the neck.

Oxygen is transported to the lungs through a windpipe. Where is a windpipe? Usually you can find it in the neck.

Pretty impressive part of the body, no?

Well, I recently had the opportunity to speak with someone who also understands  the importance of the neck. It's probably someone you are familiar with. It is No. 89 for the Green Bay Packers, James Jones, he of a league-leading 14 receiving touchdowns in 2012, also he of a very recognizable neck protector: the t-shirt turtleneck.

I had a chance to sit down and pick James' brain about the neck. He was gracious enough to let me share some of it with you.

Me: "Thanks for your time, James, and congratulations on your remarkable season."

JJ: "You're welcome, and thank you, Franklin. It's always a pleasure to meet a fellow neckophile, also great shirt."

Me: "Thank you. I love a good turtleneck, as I know you do as well. How and why did you become interested in the neck and realize the value of properly protecting it? Also, why don't your teammates seem to grasp this concept?"

JJ: "I sure do. Check out the one I have on. Might be my favorite. [Pictured above]

"You know, it happened a couple years ago. I was traveling and met some women who were wearing neck rings, and I had an opportunity to discuss why they were doing it, and the benefits they got from it. They said that while it was decorative, it was also a source of strength and a form of protection. They explained the vulnerability humans had in the neck area, and why it was important to guard against injury. It got me thinking, 'You know, I play one of the most violent games in the world, maybe I need to think more about my neck.'

"I actually had the opportunity to work with a man named, Lucius Fox to create my t-shirt turtleneck. It could actually survive re-entry into the earth's atmosphere and withstand a direct blow from 2x4...or a 250 pound linebacker {laughs} At the same time, it is incredibly lightweight, breathable, and pretty dang cool-looking if I do say so myself.

"As far as my teammates, I've gotten a hard time from some of them about my gameday attire, specifically, the t-shirt turtleneck.  But, you know, I can't be bothered by that. I need my neck. My neck is more important than my hands, my feet, and my legs. I have found a way of protecting it that allows the rest of my body to function properly and excel, and did I mention it's pretty dang cool-looking? {laughs}

"Also, vampires. You know about vampires, right?"

Me: "Oh, I sure do, man. I sure do."

JJ: "Well, I had the stitching made from high tensile garlic fibers because you can never be too careful. Am I right?"

{fistbumps}

Me: "Absolutely."

"James, do you credit your breakout performance to your increased neck awareness and also your t-shirt turtleneck?"

JJ: "Oh, definitely. With my neck being sheathed in such a piece of powerful armor...I like to consider my turtleneck a form of armor like medieval knights used to wear...I am free to concentrate wholly on making plays and getting in the endzone. It's been remarkable, and I have started to hear from guys around the league who are interested in getting their hands one. I'm not sure I want to share, though. {laughs}"

Me: "I'm sure all Packer fans wouldn't mind if you shared it in the lockerroom but nowhere else."

JJ: "Alright, I'll take that under consideration. {laughs}"

For the next hour, James and I talked about the neck, standard-issue turtlenecks vs. mock turtlenecks, Cousin Eddie, Mike McCarthy catching on, and even James' love of alpacas. (He thinks their necks are great. Look them up, he's right.) It was really a great conversation.

Thank you to James for his time. It's always great to find someone who appreciates the neck as much as I do.

Unmissable Moment from Super Bowl XLVII

Do you have a one yard square spot in your home in need of floor covering? Maybe there's a stain in your carpet, or a scratch in your hardwood floor. Maybe you have a dog or cat who needs a new spot to sleep and they happen to be a huge football fan.

If that's the case, Verizon has got something for you. They are giving you a one yard square of Super Bowl turf for you if you can predict where the Unmissable Moment from Super Bowl XLVII will occur. Click here and select the lucky spot where the deciding unmissable moment will occur. You've still got time to enter, the spot will be selected shortly after the game is finished.

I actually know where the moment will occur, Dr. Emmet Brown is a close family friend, but I can't help you out.  Rule, rules, rules. Good luck.



  Disclosure: I am participating in the Verizon Wireless Midwest Fans program and have been provided with a wireless device and five months of service in exchange for my honest opinions about the product.

Sports Psychology & Our Competitive Advantage

Your mind is what makes everything else work.
-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball player

What is best in life is to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
-Conan, barbarian

NFL teams are basically even. Yes, there are teams who consistently win and those like the Lions who do the complete opposite. There are a handful of reasons for this but the amazing athletes in this talent pool still represent the 1% of the 1% of the 1% of the 1%. So this begs the question that if they are all on the same physical playing field, where does one gain the competitive advantage? By hitting the gym harder? Sure, a focused effort may produce a small degree of separation. Through illegal means? This has proven to work but the inherent risks are too great for most. The answer, my friends, is by mastering the mental game.

If you think about it, players do almost nothing but mentally prepare for games. They watch film, discuss strategy and even as they practice on the field and prepare their bodies, they are being mentally groomed for the action that lies ahead. Professional athletes, especially, should be as mentally strong and focused as a person can get. To compete at the highest level, such as Super Bowl 47, it’s simply a necessity.

But what happens when a player loses his mental edge? Or on a grander scale, what happens when an entire team loses its collective mental strength? Then that player and that team become no more of a worthy opponent than the buzzing of flies is to Vigo the Carpathian.

Nothing I have said thus far can be disputed. This knowledge is plucked from both recognized sources as well as conventional wisdom. However, the means with which I propose the Packers systematically dismantle our opponents’ psyche is indeed far from convention.

To do this, I need your help envisioning the Packers scoring a touchdown at Lambeau. Let’s pretend that Rodgers just hit James Jones for a 50-yard bomb to start off the 2nd quarter. The crowd cheers, Jones spikes the ball and then this video plays on the Jumbotron as loud as it can possibly go…

Yes, they will laugh. Yes, they will scoff and throw tomatoes in your general direction. It is because they do not know and therefore cannot possibly understand. However, do not throw the tomatoes back. Eat the fruit (tomatoes are a fruit, btw). Let them fully digest. Then throw them back in their faces while you laugh.
-Unknown

You may have laughed. And that is OK. But just for a moment, I invite you consider the alternative, and truly embrace this Trololo concept, and think of the rewards. Think of how humiliating this will make our opponents feel when it’s played on the Jumbotron. This video is almost three minutes long, allowing ample time to rub salt in their collective wounds. Upon one single viewing, opponents will be rendered almost completely deflated. And may the Lord have mercy on them on a day when QB1 really goes off.

While 70,000+ fans are all dancing, singing and laughing, the other team will ooze with contempt, waste precious energy through their anxiety, lose focus, discipline and ultimately, assuredly fail. Each score and subsequent Trololo viewing will be another proverbial nail in the coffin of any hope of winning and probably make them lose their damn minds in the process and scream “ENOUGH ALREADY! I CAN’T TAKE THIS.” And we will laugh and play the video again. No, there will be no comeback. After all, how can one come back – or go anywhere – when they can’t even escape their own insanity?

This type of grotesque psychological warfare does not go without consequences. The vision of being laughed at by Trololo man Eduard Khil may haunt opposing players for weeks, or in some cases even throughout their entire careers. For that, I do apologize, because I have no desire to ruin a player’s career. However, in the spirit of my own satisfaction and thirst for winning, I accept this collateral damage with the knowledge that the end justifies the means.

Unfortunately for the Packers and their fans, our season is over. But while you’re placing your bets on the Super Bowl at SportsBetting.com or at your Uncle Eddie’s, I ask you to let this idea marinate. If someone takes the Niners, take the Ravens or vice versa and play this video every time your team scores. If you make it to halftime without getting into it, I'd be shocked.

If you think I’m joking, think again. My agent (and fine auto parts dealer), Tidewater, has made phone calls and emails to the Packers, people. We are looking to have a business meeting with Mark Murphy and Ted Thompson in early spring for a formal proposal. And while I’m there, I’ll be sure to take care of that whole annoying G Force thing, too.