Meet Everglade Gary and His (Elusive) Neighbor

I just back from Florida, and I would like to share a story about watching the debacle against Tampa Bay. Thankfully, I chose not to attend the game live. However, I did have the misfortune and enjoyment to watch the game with a gentleman named, Everglade Gary. Misfortune, as I was supposed to take “Everglade Gary’s Kick Ass AirBoat Tour” and then be back to civilization in time for the 1:00 pm kickoff, however his motor conked out, and we ended up at his mechanic/gator-wrestler/interior designer brother’s house in the middle of the Everglades. You ask 95% of people, and being stranded with a guy named Everglade Gary in the middle of Florida swampland is not how they would choose to spend their Sunday. However, this misfortune quickly turned to enjoyment, as I got to drink ice cold beer and watch football with a genuinely cool guy as his brother got to work fixing the boat.

By gametime, we were each eight beers deep, and he was explaining to me about the skunk ape. If you’ve never heard of the skunk ape, you are missing out on one of the greatest pieces of local lore this country has to offer. You see, the skunk ape is Florida’s version of Bigfoot or Sasquatch or Yeti or Abominable Snowman. It is similar in size to very large man, covered in hair, and, because “it sleeps in empty gator dens full of methane gas and sweats a lot without bathing,” it smells terrible. Gary was pretty sure he smelled one once, but then again, he said, it could have just been his dog who has a habit of rolling in alligator carcasses. Gary was quick to inform me that he was not an expert on the skunk ape, but that he liked to pass on the story for an acquaintance, Dave Shealy, Director of the Skunk Ape Research Headquarters.

Maybe not an expert on hairy, reeking humanoids, but what soon became apparent was that Everglade Gary was an expert on football. He would be deep into a story about how he got into a bar fight in Fort Meyers with six college guys on Spring Break because one of them said alligators couldn’t climb trees (Look it up. They can...if you don't believe me, Gary has something he'd like to talk to you about), and then he would quickly make an incredibly insightful observation about the game. I began to realize that Gary’s boat breaking down may have been the best thing that could have happened to me that day. 1) I got a taste of local Florida culture 2) I got to watch football with an incredibly knowledgeable football fan 3) it’s always good to be reminded that beers taste better when it’s hot, humid, and it smells vaguely of methane and sweat…

For Your Consideration...

Have you ever noticed that after pretty much any play – good or bad – McCarthy’s nose is buried in his sweet, laminated, color-coded spreadsheets? He’s worse than those fantasy guys, who spend more time in laptops and cell phones checking for updates rather than watching the game go down right in front of them.

It’s kind of sad that’s the game has turned into – a series of over-calculated risks instead of the exciting choose your own adventure. Well, if that’s the case, have I got some fantasy candidates I’ve encountered over the years that could probably do just as well, if not better, than MM these days.

Wiener Koins. This team has been a fantasy juggernaut for years. He doesn’t always draft the greatest (see Mason Crosby in the 6th …“kickers win games!”), but is unparallel in his amazing waiver pickups. He captured the crown by adding unsuspecting free agents that suddenly go off. This bodes extremely well for helping TT find those diamonds in the rough that he supposedly is known for but hasn’t actually found any. (That’s right Ted, I said it.)

Donkey Skids. Despite a penchant for peach schnapps and a tendency for crapping his pants in public, Donkey Skids is an otherwise very formidable opponent. He’s more than willing to mortgage the future by trading up to go after the first- and second-round studs. It pays off, too. He takes home the crown about every other year. How great would that be, Packer fans!

Multiple Scorgasms. This mechanical engineer turned inventor sets the gold standard for draft devices. You can have your Excel spreadsheets – Scorgasms stopped using those in the 90s. His boards are now a battery-operated combination hologram/Rubix cube, constantly morphing based on the dynamics of the draft. I’m 100% convinced his draft cube could someday coach the Packers by itself.

Reading: The Lost Art

If you’re looking for something to do this weekend, that doesn’t include raking leaves or going to see Jim Carrey’s A Christmas Carol a full 50 days before Christmas, might I suggest reading a book? No, it’s not pronounced boe-ock, it’s bOOk; it sounds like crook. Books are the things on shelves in that small corner of the library? Yeah, the shelves behind the computers, magazines, and media center, there you go, you found them, those are books.

I know books are antiquated pieces of kitsch that you vowed never to touch again once you left high school or college, but I’ve found two pretty good ones if you can tear yourself away from your plasma, your laptop, or your Xbox. Plus, they can help you drift away from Sunday’s defeat, and get you excited for Sunday’s victory. The two great reads are “That First Season: How Vince Lombardi Took the Worst Team in the NFL and Sent it on the Path to Glory” and “The Official Vince Lombardi Playbook: His Classic Plays & Strategies, Personal Photos & Mementos, Recollections from Friends & Formers Players”. They’re both quick reads and one even has pictures for those of you looking for something visual to keep you interested. The later even includes Saint Vince’s plays written on legal pads which are fantastic. The former gives excellent insight into what guys like Starr, Hornung, and Kramer thought of Lombardi upon his arrival, it’s safe to say these guys were impressed…and nervous.

No, I can’t promise you a personal pan pizza if you read these two books, but I can promise you a renewed respect for the Packers and what Lombardi meant to them. Even if you don’t get to read them this weekend, pick them up. I read them at work, granted, I work in a library, so it might have been a bit easier for me, but if you can pull yourself away from the interweb (Believe me, I know it’s cool. just watched this 23 times) or your TV, you will be happy.

PS: Christmas Carol is a book. By Dickens, not Jim Carrey or even Scrooge McDuck. I promise.

Some Positives of the Game

Lambeau Men’s Room. Nothing against the giant metal splashy room-length pee troughs of yesteryear, but I really prefer a standard urinal. One of the best moves in the renovation. Only things missing were the #4 urinal cakes.

Stadium View. The servers were fast, friendly and dressed like foxy Madonnas Saturday night at this legendary sportsbar. If you haven’t had the deep-fried white cheese curds with a side of ranch, you are seriously missing out.

Novelties. We saw a guy selling $20 pelts; we saw another offering free mustache rides. There were vendors with kitsch galore that were printed with enough obscenities for every divisional opponent and them some. Fun stuff. Still, none of them had a onsie – I knew that was a good idea!

Front Yard Tailgating. Kudos to those Green Bay residents to offer their yards for parking and partying. Saw a sign in front of one house that read “No waiting line for this rest room!” That’s worth the $15 alone if you ask me.

Crowd Noise. Considering the town felt taken over by purple at times, it was even more impressive how loud everyone was yawping. The lungs of the Packer fans were as full and fierce as I can ever recall – great work everyone; glad to be a part of it.

Franklin's Halloween Excursion to Green Bay

7:34 Walk to coffee shop and grab a large light roast and bagel. "Go, Pack!" Comes from the teenage girl getting my coffee. It takes me two seconds to realize I have on a well-worn Packers cap. I smile and nod, and she gives me a fist bump. Nothing could have made my day start better.

9:50 Run through checklist: Long-johns (hoping I won't need them), winter hat and gloves (ditto), "We'll Never Forget You Brent" and "Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood" t-shirts ('cause you gotta have options), cash (for obvious reasons). Done and done.

11:37 At gas station filling up. Two morons in matching Brent Vikings jerseys and a loaded car. Looks like they may be heading to the game. I hope they get lost, like lost in the U.P. lost. Hmm...1 bag of road trip jerky for the ride or two? Two. Always two. You'll never regret having more than you need.

12:09 At Town Hall Brewery in Minneapolis, last stop before I hit the road. Gotta grab a growler of Masala Mama India Pale Ale for Robert. He may hate Minnesota, but he loves the IPA. (I tell him I order it online from Banglapur, India, he pretends to believe me) Regardless, he won't be drinking it this weekend.

12:14 3...2...1...we have lift-off! Hit play on the iPod, a little Ram Jam, is a great way to start a road trip.

12:31 Good to know Wisconsin still welcomes me, wayward son that I am. Good to be back.

12:57 "Private Pleasures Next Exit" That's the one, the intersection of Highway 29 and Interstate 94, consisting of an adult book store, Shooter's Showgirls gentlemens club, Country Nights Saloon, and a gas station. I stopped at one of those...for cheese curds.

1:06 Saw the following bumper stickers on a truck: "Keep honking, I'm reloading." and "I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better." I've got nothing.

1:11 Bumper sticker #3: "Bad-Ass Ladies Don't Drive Mercedes" on a giant purple truck driven by a 300 lb man with a handlebar mustache. Again, I've got nothing.

1:16 Eating a banana and smiling realizing that this is the last food I will be eating that isn't fried, grilled... or cheese for the next 72 hours. NIIIIICE.

1:20 "Boyd: The Friendly Town. "Y" go by?" Okay, I won't. Coffee and beef sticks from Boyd. Not bad, Boyd, you're definitely a friendly town. Thanks.

2:22 Rib Mountain, slowly but surely I'm making my way to Green Bay. Side note: Rib Mountain is the only distinguishing landmark on the entirety of Highway 29. It really is a mind-numbingly boring ride.

2:31 Rothschild still smells the same...gotta love a paper mill right in the middle of town. Or maybe the smell is DC Everest High School. I could never truly tell and still can't today.

2:34 86 miles and counting...just got the nod and wave from a car full of Packer fans. That will power me through the next hour, that and the thought of ice gold New Glarus Spotted Cow.

3:57 Touchdown...please remain in your seats until we come to a complete stop. Finally....GB.