Thursday, October 30, 2008

Harrell Party

If there is one thing we know how to do here at The Packer Ranter, it’s party. Even John Johnson has been know to loosen the tie at his company picnics, and by loosen the tie, I mean running half naked screaming, “Go, Pack, go!” through the softball field while the marketing and accounting departments play. Never a dull moment here at The Ranter.
Therefore, we have taken it upon ourselves to throw a party this weekend…well, in addition to our normal weekend festivities. This Sunday we are having a coming-out party for Justin Harrell. Conspicuously absent from the field this season and most of last, Harrell will more than likely see his first action Sunday against the Titans after two back surgeries. Coach McCarthy said that Harrell is in the best shape he’s been in since being a Green Bay Packer. Well, that’s good news for Packer fans, but let’s be honest, he hasn’t set the bar very high. At the every least he will give The Picket Fence, Jolly Johnny, and Cole Miner a much needed breather every few plays. Robert, John, and I welcome you back, Justin, and hope you can contribute like the 16th pick that you are. Packer fans will finally be able to put this “bust” discussion to bed. That said; don’t for a second think you have a free pass, #91. We don’t throw parties for just anyone, and we will be watching you like John watches player interviews on, with an eagle eye.
Fear The Rant!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Lionsgate: Facts Glazed Over

Last week, Jay “The Cueball” Glazer of FOX Sports proudly scooped a now infamous phone call between Brett Favre and former Lions GM Matt Millen. From the onset of this 300-word opinion piece that reads like something plucked from the blogosphere, Glazer references his mystery sources, who said Favre gave the Lions “a rundown of the nuances of what Green Bay does on offense” and “spent over an hour on the phone with Lions coaches”.

The outcry and media attention has been both bloated and ridiculous. Favre and others have denied and dismissed the reports ala “are you cereal?” and the story has finally/thankfully fallen by the wayside. In the end, all Jay Glazer discovered was that there was a phone call between Favre and Millen – two friends who were discussing a hunting trip. Yes, that’s right, a hunting trip. Glazer was wrong on every other statement (all two of them): the duration of the phone call and the subject matter. And he was certainly wrong about a conspiracy theory that Brett Favre is hell-bent on sabotaging his former team, the Green Bay Packers.

As if Glazer’s anti-Favre opinion wasn’t clear enough, he concludes his tale by saying, “Still, Favre has the right to do whatever he pleases. If he wants to help other teams there is nothing in league rules that prevents him from doing so.” That’s right Jay. It’s almost like saying writers posing as reporters have a right to spin a story in whatever way will garner the most web hits. If they want to time an opinion piece filled with anonymous sources and rampant speculation, there is nothing from preventing them from doing so. Hell, they can even pose hypotheticals on the air like “Brett likes to talk, therefore he must’ve said something” and almost make it sound credible. OK, Jay. And let’s not forget that robots are strong, because they’re made of metal. If Jay Glazer can be a Senior Writer with FOX Sports, I have to believe the Packer Ranter will replace ESPN within the year.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Views from the Hillside.

  • KGB has recently said that he doesn't think that people should be punished for making more money, and as a result will be voting for John McCain. The Rant could care less about who you vote for, Kabeer, but making that claim is ridiculous. How about this: do you believe someone should be punished for not doing their job? You have the highest salary of any Packer player, yet you play one down in four and have notched a whopping nine tackles and half a sack. Once you start earning your keep, maybe we’ll listen to where you think your money should go, or not go as the case may be. Until then, shut it.
  • The Vikings even screw up on their bye week. Jokers.
  • Last week the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel ran a story about Colin Cole. The same day, had a story about Colin Cole. Also, the Green Bay Press Gazette ran a story about the presidential election and Packers’ players. The same day, the Journal Sentinel ran a story about the same topic. Same quotes from the same people. Can we get a little variety please? Robert and I mostly promise not to duplicate topics, even though our superior insight is always in high demand.
  • Bye weeks are binge-drinking inducing boring. {hiccup}
  • Packer fans, please take the time this Sunday to preview the next addition to the Packers: Albert Haynesworth. Remember what happened when Ron “The Medulla” Wolf signed another dominating D-lineman in his prime? Free agency is only four months away; please get your house in order Teddy.
  • Nice attempt for Tony G, Teddy. Must be difficult dealing with idiots and/or Chiefs management, same thing really.
  • Kerry Collins, your luck has just run out.

Kevin & Pat Make A Stinky

Like something out of an SNL skit, Vikings D-tackles Kevin and Pat Williams apparently tested positive for a banned diuretic. As a result, they could each face four-game suspensions and lot of caricature drawings.

On one hand, I feel bad for these guys. Can you imagine the lengths taken to procure illegal diuretics? I can’t help but envision the two them renting a conversion van over the summer and driving undercover to Tijuana on a mission for the kind of bazooka-pooping Colon Blow deemed too extreme for America’s retailers. They probably tested a few out before settling on the Turbo Lax from Dumb & Dumber.

In my opinion, this whole story is misleading. I believe the Williams’s are simply health-conscious athletes who weren’t just worried about weight issues, they were trying to keep their blood pressure down. Little did they know they could’ve achieved the same effect with Hot Pockets and Sunny D.

Monday, October 20, 2008


It took a few weeks for anyone to play bad-ass enough to earn a BASTOW, but when you have a game like Sunday's dismantling of the Colts, there are bound to be some bad-ass plays in all phases of the game, special teams being no exception. This week's BASTOW goes to Johnny Jolly, who blocked Adam Vinateri's 45-yard field goal attempt in the 3rd quarter. There's nothing that fires up a defense, or the crowd at Lambeau, like a big defensive stop. A blocked field goal is a pretty big defensive stop, especially when a behemoth like Johnny Jolly is involved. Congratulations to Johnny Jolly on his first BASTOW, and feel free to share this with your attorneys, all judges fear The Rant.

In addition, I'm going to award a runner-up BASTOW to Mike McCarthy this week. Going for an onside kick in the 1st quarter, up 3-0, is very bad-ass. It didn't work, but keep trying things like that, Coach, and sooner or later they will pay off. The Rant loves aggressiveness; balls to the wall and good things happen.

Braveleg....what happened? I know it was a little windy(Robert and I gauged a 15 mph wind coming out of the West) but with thighs as big as kegs, this should be no problem for you. Missing a 35-yard field goal is not something that Packer fans are used to. I'm convinced there is an ulterior motive, like lulling the other team into a false sense of security and then drilling a 76 yarder. Yeah, that's it. Case closed.

From this day forward, the BASTOW's full name will be The Tracy White Memorial Bad-Ass Special Teamer of the Week. Fitting I think.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Agenda - Packer Ranter Extended Weekend

6pm - Franklin packs for trip out of MN: fishing pole and tackle box, LeRoy Butler #36 long-john's (just in case), four can coozies: 1) Miller Lite, 2) How think you drunk I am? 3) Away-White, 4) Home-Green
9pm - Robert packs toothbrush and toilet paper.
11:57pm - Unable to sleep Franklin compiles Special Teams stats from the preseason, threatens #58 under his breath so his beagle Hutson doesn't wake up.
11:59pm - Unable to sleep Robert reviews O-line play of the '08 home games. Weeps at number of penalties.
12pm - Franklin leaves for cabin where the weekend's festivities begin.
12:20pm - Franklin reaches Wisconsin border....ahhh, the Motherland.
5:00pm - Meet at White Lake tavern. Robert purchases Jagerbombs from preseason Brett/Aaron bet.
5:05pm - Franklin purchases 2nd round Jagerbomb from Justin Harrell bet. 7:15pm - Hustle underage F.I.B's at darts. Tell them to come back when they are of age and bring some girls next time too.
9:30pm - Strategic planning meeting by the campfire. Tentative topics of discussion: Rodgers' shoulder, Tracy White's absence on Special Teams, Al Harris' spleen, The Bikini Girls, turkey or beef jerkey for the game?
10:45pm - Beef jerkey is decided for the game. Turkey jerky eaten now.
9:30am - Email friends of the Ranter tailgating plans
11am - Marinate knackwurst overnight in Franklin's secret sauce
1-3pm - Watch Colts game tapes from this season. Detail Robert's Tercel.
9:30pm - Head back to tavern to talk with CPL, Crazy Packer Lady (she usually has us spread any ashes of her cats that have died in the Lambeau Parking lot)
SUNDAY6am - Green & Gold pancakes.
7am - Head to Lambeau. Forecast BASTOW potential over jerky.
8:30am - Get to parking lot and realize it's an afternoon game. Smile, and settle in for an extended tailgating session.
As are any plans made by the Packer Ranter, this agenda is subject to change at a minute's notice (usually due to a sale on Old Milwaukee and/or Johnsonville Brats). Any Packer Ranters in the Green Bay area should feel free to meet up with Robert and I at some point during the weekend. We are hoping to run into Justin, Jessica, and Dawson (star of the fourth best football movie of all time, and raging Packer fan) again. Let me tell you, JT almost beat me in a shot-gunning contest, that guy can drink more than you'd think.
However, Dawson is the only to respond to us. Justin and Jessica haven't responded to our letters, calls, emails, texts, or IMs, so they must be busy. I know they aren't avoiding us, though, as they FEAR THE RANT as much as anyone.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Where are the Bikini Girls?

Last season, male Packer fans everywhere were pleasantly surprised when three young vixens started getting noticed during televised games. In Packer country and across the nation, the Bikini Girls were making all sorts of noise – showing up in papers and crashing blogs across the interweb.

And who are they? Turns out they are related. Jen and Liz (middle & right) are sisters and Ashley (left) is their cousin. All three are diehard Packer fans, college students and have been flaunting their stuff since 2002. Given that they are now 23, 22 and 21 years old, that means they were sporting bikinis at Lambeau since the ages of 17, 16 and 15, respectively….nice!

At the end of the 2007 season, the Bikini Girls were quoted as saying, “Thanks for the support, keep the Packer faith because they will be back and we’ll see you next year!” Well the obvious question is, where are they? We at the Packer Ranter are going to find out. Franklin and I will be on the prowl at the Colts game Sunday. We are planning to circle the stadium before, after and at halftime of the game in search of these girls. If we seen them, we’ll buy them a couple of Leinies on behalf of all the fans. No thank you necessary - the pleasure is all ours.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Views from the Hillside.

  • Good to see Koren Robinson back on the field regardless of the jersey. I was always impressed with his actions and demeanor in Green Bay, and he seemed grateful for the opportunity the Packers had given him. Unlike Pacman Jones in his tenure with the Cowboys, a classless individual and a classless organization.
  • Handshakes are often used to seal a business deal. In the case of the Packers' DBs, they are sealing the deal of taking the ball away from opponents. You didn't score, Chuck? Come on!
  • Suzy Kolber is a wealth of information. I think I forgot what she just said. Keyshawn Johnson just pointed out Brady Quinn's guns. Weird.
  • Grant: 33 carries for 90 yards. Not a good day for the line as there were no holes made, just huge piles of manflesh, but the offense controlled the time of possession to ensure the win. Grant only needed 6 more carries to get the Packers' record for carries in a game of 39 set by Terdell Middleton in 1979....Terdell? Really?
  • Aaron Kampman 6 sacks, Jared Allen 2. Kampman is still the best end in the North, NFC, and the NFL.
  • Gotta admit, I questioned McCarthy's QB sneak call. Why do this with a QB with a beat up arm? Truth is, it doesn't matter. Rodgers kept driving and stuck the ball over the line despite no push from the O-Line. He showed incredible toughness and grit to get the 6.
  • The Vikings/Lions game set football back 20 years. Uggg-ly. These teams are really the J.V. squads of the NFL.
  • Al Harris' spleen is nearly healed, and he may be ready for the Packers' game against the Titans. This is proof that Predators' bodies are capable of healing at a rate much faster than humans.
  • Harrell, you are on notice. FEAR THE RANT!

Packers 27, Seahawks 17

Aaron Rodgers is shouldering the load so far (I make a funny?). In a must-win game for the Packers, Rodgers played through some visible pain to lead us to 3 TDs and solid victory. This comes after not practicing for the second week in a row.

I am a little concerned that he was the only man wearing long sleeves on the field. I hope it was to keep his arm warm rather than him getting cold easily. That'd be like getting your wounds sewn up on the battlefield but asking for a Zima and a Jolly Rancher instead of whiskey.

I am still miffed McCarthy passed on the 63-yard FG attempt in the 2nd quarter in favor of a punt from Derrick Frosty Tips. Have you forgotten who kicks FGs for you? He is Braveleg!

Was it me or does Holmgren look like an angry, old, pasty, Northwest bear? Even more than normal. He needs a nap. I think it's safe to say he's done after this year (in Seattle anyway).

So that’s where Mike Wahle is now. I miss that guy – not sure why we couldn’t have landed him again in the offseason. I'm sure TT has his reasons as usual.

Next week we face the Colts at home. Prancing Peyton Manning and his white knights are coming off a blowout against Baltimore, so their confidence will likely outweigh their performance. It might be the most important game of the season thus far, and that's not just because Franklin and I will be sitting front row (you heard correct).

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Eye of the Tracy

You have made a powerful enemy, Ted Thompson, and I do not envy you one bit. On Tuesday, Ted Thompson released Tracy White and signed Danny Lans...Lansan...Really? What does it even matter, we'll just call him #58. Remember, TT, Tracy White doesn't sleep, he waits.

Packer Ranter readers have known of my well-placed affinity for White for a long time. A Special Teams animal whose list of on-field accomplishments are only outweighed by the amount he bench presses. For a special teams unit badly in need of leadership and playmakers, replacing White with #58, a rookie from the practice squad, is foolish. The rationale behind this roster move is troubling because it cannot be justified. Aren't there numerous other positions that could be shored up? Punter and D-line imediately come to mind. Are you trying to field the youngest team in the history of the NFL? It hasn't seemed to work out so well this year. Were you worried about White's meager salary? Compared to his stallion-like efforts on the field of battle, it is a bargain. I read that it was done, in part, to save #58 from signing with another team. You know what? The TT Youth Movement should be about complete, releasing a loyal, productive veteran to promote a practice-squader shows weakness.....and fear...and we all know that fear leads to anger, which leads to the Dark Side.

I have refused to comment on TT's moves until this point, preferring to wait until they play out, but this bone-headed transaction that was swept under the rug needed to be shared. The only consolation I take is that Tracy White is a Survivor. This will not stop him in his quest for total and utter special teams domination, albeit for another team, one who will rank 1st in special teams once he signs. I only hope that Ted Thompson's office is buried deep in an undisclosed, secure location, because, as another group of Survivors once said: "The last known survivor stalks his prey in the night." Tracy White is after you, man, RUUUUUUNNNN!

Tracy White Fact of the Day: Tracy White ghost-wrote Rocky II.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

A Brief History of Seattle Dominance

Jan 4, 2004 @ GB. W, 33-27
What Packer fan can forget this gem? It was the cold playoff game that went to overtime in which Seattle won the toss and Hasslebeck, smirking like a jackass, announced they'd take the ball and score. Whatever big shot. Al Harris picks him off and returns the interception 52 yards for the winning score. One of the all-time great Lambeau wins.

Jan 1, 2005 @ GB. W, 23-17
It was a disappointing, injury-riddled season (4-12) and the only losing one in Favre’s career. Seattle came into the game with the best record in the NFC (13-2). At the time, Shaun Alexander was aiming for Tiki Barber’s rushing TD record. He got it in the first half (big deal) after which Favre rallied the troops onto victory. With fan chanting “one more year” throughout the game, it appeared to be the end for #4. Three years later, he’s still truckin’.

Nov 27, 2006 @ Seattle. L, 24-34
On this snowy Monday nighter, Hassleback was a paltry 17-36 for 3 TDs and 3 INTs. However Favre, starting his 252nd straight game, also threw 3 picks. But the real story was Shaun Alexander rushing for 201 yards on 40 attempts (that’s a lot of rushing). Forgettable and rare win for the Seahawks. It was highly speculated this would be Favre’s last Monday Night game. Whatever doubters!

Jan 12, 2007 @ GB. W, 42-20
An unforgettable winter wonderland Lambeau win. After only the first four minutes, Ryan Grant had fumbled twice and we were down 14-0. It was looking like a disaster in the works, but somehow we righted the ship incredibly fast, scoring touchdowns on 6 straight possessions (wow). Grant recoverd to finish with 201 yards and 3 TDs (suck it, Seattle). The Seahawks fell to 0-8 in postseason road games. Favre joined Joe Montana as the lone players to pass for more than 5,000 yards in the postseason and improved to 43-5 at Green Bay when the gametime temperature was 34 degrees or colder.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Matt Ryan or The Shermanator?

Who is the starting QB for the Atlanta Falcons? None other than Chuck Sherman, The Shermanator from American Pie 1 and 2. Better known for being a sophisticated sex-robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady, than a competent NFL quarterback.

The Packers won't lose to Chuck Sherman, end-of-story, even being busted up on both sides of the ball.

Pack 27 Atlanta 9

Friday, October 3, 2008

Views from the Hillside.

  • D The Dragon asked if I was going to give out a BASTOW for week 4. I believe Mr. Miyagi said, "You cannot receive, what you do not earn." Or maybe it was Yoda. Either way, it was someone way more impressive than anyone on Green Bay's special teams last week.
  • Ryan Pickett on Justin Harrell: "I don't ever see him. I've seen him, like, once in a blue moon." Same with us, Ryan, same with us.
  • This week, Tony "The Incredible Bulk" Mandarich, confessed to be addicted to painkillers and booze during the three years he was a member of the Green Bay Packers. Ummm...Tony, don't you get it? In Green Bay, that's not an excuse for sucking harder than anyone's ever sucked. (See Favre, Brett; addiction)
  • Matthew Berry of ESPN actually makes his living "reporting on" and "analyzing" fantasy football. If this is the case, I think I can get a halfway decent job analyzing coin-flipping. I believe Berry hosts a radio show called Captain D-Bag and Why I Never Get Laid.
  • Charles Woodson's toe called, and it reminded Ryan Grant, Donald Lee, Donald Driver, Brandon Jackson, and James Jones that it has more TDs than them.
  • Mike McCarthy's jowls shake when he is disgusted, they've been registering a 4.2 on the Richter Scale the past two weeks.
  • Fear THE RANT!

For Sale: Brett Favre's House

If you’re in the neighborhood and have $475,000 sitting in a Folders can, you might want to consider this Ashwaubenon beauty. It’s got four bedrooms, three baths and oh yeah, Brett freaking Favre lived there. That’s right. Our good friends at the Press Gazette have uncovered Brett Favre’s Wisconsin home, now for sale. The property’s owner is listed as D. Tynes. For all you Favre trivia fans and Deanna Googlers, Tynes is Deanna’s maiden name. If that weren’t proof enough, the tax bills are even sent to Hattiesburg – holla!

In all honesty, it is kind of sad to see the home for sale. You’d like to think that Favre loved Wisconsin so much that he’d keep the home and visit during summers or at least deer season. I guess we all move on. The good news is I have an incredible proposition for my fellow entrepreneuers out there. Here’s your chance to acquire a truly unique collectible. So get this – I live like 10 minutes from the house. Tomorrow morning, I’m planning on posing as a buyer anyway just to see what kind of Earth-bound dwelling a demi-god lives in. But if you want me to wipe the counters for dead skin cells or comb the bathroom for some hair or whatever, email me right away. That stuff is GOLD on eBay. I heard an apple that Tiger Woods bit into went for like 10 grand! Let me know right away or I might just keep it for myself.
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