Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Glasses = smarts

With the burden of my supreme knowledge, comes the responsibility of sharing that knowledge with those of lesser mental capacities. Does this sound arrogant? If so, that is not my intent, I am merely informing you of the cross I bear week-to-week in bringing you insightful tidbits of Packers’ analysis.

I point out Friday’s Packers/Broncos game as an example. Much was made of the inverse-goateed Aaron Rodgers’ stellar performance. The praise was rightfully bestowed. Lost in the 27-24 victory was how the Packers actually won in the fourth quarter. Lumpkin scored from the one you say? True, but how did the Packers get the ball? It was on a Broncos turnover. What was the turnover? It was an interception by none other than Tracy White Light/White Heat. Why is this relevant, you ask? Because I’ve been trying to impress on the Packer faithful what #59 means to the team and the upcoming season for a year. Hopefully, it is beginning to sink in.

It has become hard being right all the time. I get the feeling that John Clayton has felt this way for the better part of his life. Am I comparing myself to the greatest football mind on the planet? Of course not, but do you see the resemblance? It is uncanny.

Tracy White Fact of the Day: It is apparent Ted Thompson fears no man (except RG and FH), but he will never, ever trade or release Tracy White… we’ll just say out of “respect”. True.

Give me what I want and I will be good

Occasional Thought: There are things in life that are flexible. The Packers are not one of those things.

Part of the problem with having a new boss is explaining my unique situation. For the last five years, I’ve had a mutual understanding with my former manager Todd that Saturdays-Tuesdays during the football season = Me Time. Those days are specifically reserved for Packer things like tailgating, Green and Gold parties, Ranter promotions, watching the games, etc…plus one hangover day.

Even though Todd was an uptight hairy troll, he was also a Packer fan so he let it slide as long as I worked my tail off delivering pizzas those three days I did come into work. Well Todd’s gone and I just found out this new manager dude, Keith, is like a computer nerd from Iowa (where they don’t even have a team). I get the feeling this is really going to suck. Even in the worst-case scenario of your boss being a Bears fan, there’d still be the outside chance of connecting on some remote level where football and passion meet.

As a sign of my generosity, I am committing the plate of pickled perch I was saving for the final preseason game toward the negotations. This will no doubt set the tone. I will be honest, tactful and steadfast. And I will get want I want.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Barrel o' Fun

If a crazy, shirtless, obese, old man wearing a barrel and cowboy hat cheers for the Broncos, then how do you get to Boulder, CO.? Think about it and leave a comment.

I don't like Denver, mountains scare me. I prefer a large lake or broad, green field full of dairy cows. To each his own, I guess. However, Denver is a place of reminiscing and celebration for Packer fans as of late. It is where Ryan Grant burst on the GB scene, and Greg Jennings made himself a household name last year. Good times. Tomorrow's game in Denver will say many things about this year's Packer team, foremost: they have one preseason game left.

Placing any sort of stock in preseason games is like evaluating your team based on the amount of money you spent on free agents in the off-season, it really doesn't translate to on the field success. Take heart Packer fans, September is right around the corner, when wins and beer cans start piling up as high as the Rockies. Coors sucks!

Tracy White Fact of the Day: According the New England Journal of Medicine, Tracy White is the only person whose own muscles have broken through their skin. During a bench press competition in college, White’s right bicep flexed so hard it tore a 4 inch lesion in his skin. After stitching it closed with his shoelace, White saw a specialist who only had one solution for his recovery: get weaker. It is believed he is the only person in medical history whose physical therapy was to do....nothing. True.

Harrell makes me want to hurl sometimes

For the love of tailgating, how come every time I hear about Justin Harrell it’s yet another footnote that he’s still rehabbing, or sidelined by undisclosed injuries, or that he’s overweight, or might need another surgery….YARGH! To get a taste of what I’m talking about, just visit his Yahoo player page News & Notes. From August 10-21 alone, there’s 21 freaking mentions of Harrell’s general travesty as a Packer thus far.

Apparently the guy’s got all the potential in the world. Good. Great. Grand. The Packer faithful and myself would really like to see some. I blame Ted Thompson. If your drafting “genius” can find gems like James Jones in the 3rd and Mason Crosby in the 6th, than I’d like to imagine your 1st-round pick would be Walter Payton Jr. At the very least a healthy starter. Maybe this just goes to show you don’t take chances on injury-prone players in the first round. I’m not ready to label Harrell a bust yet. But if he sits out of the 2008 season because of a totally avoidable surgery (the current rumor), then a bust he shall be. Prove me wrong, Justin. Please.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Ted Thompson...you complete me.

You complete me.

We have more depth than Greenfield has sex appeal. As you can see, that dude is a stallion.
Speaking of stallions - who do we cut? And better yet, who do we prevent the Vikings from swooping in and taking to complete their feeble roster. A. Hodge? D. Bishop? Franklin's guy?

Teddy has icewater in his veins. Developing our young QBs is the best case scenario for the future of this ball club. Don't bring in some chump off the street because he has a few years under his belt, bumbling around the league waiving a team's white flag. No washed-up journeyman for this youthful juggernaut. The more snaps we can give our young QBs the better we will be off if the Czar gets hurt. Yeah, you heard me correctly, the Czar. You see his old school beard? Inspiring. If I hear another talking head call him A-Rod, I gonna puke. Just don't call him A-Rod. For the good of each and every person meeting me at Curly's to watch a plan come together on Friday night.

You had me at Allen Barbre.

Now what?

With Brett gone, I had to choose a new favorite Packer player. Just like my taxes, I’ve been putting it off for too long. After careful deliberation and sleepness nights, a decision has made. But first, here are a few of the runners-up.

Mason Crosby:  A new Packer but one with state champion bratwurst potential. Braveleg (as he is known to me) became the first player to man-boot a 50-yarder and game-winner in his debut. Hands down the steal of the ’07 draft.

Tracy White: The Ultimate Warrior of special teams and a Franklin Hillside favorite, T-White dominates every play McCarthy unleashes him for. Throw a live grenade, a feral Wolverine, and a case of Red Bull into a blender and you have Tracy White’s equivalent of an after-dinner mint.

AJ Hawk: I have no idea if he’s related to Lincoln Hawk of “Over the Top,” but it wouldn’t surprise me because AJ comes off as a quiet, heavy-duty, blue collar warrior. And if his rich father-in-law ever threatened to take his son, you can bet your last Leinies AJ would win that arm wrestling tournament in dramatic fashion. Wait…what?

But the winner and new favorite Packer is none other than Donald Driver. #80 has to be the most rugged, feisty human being since Bruce Lee. The guy darts around the field like a musclebound dragonfly and then when he catches the ball, it’s a whole new block of cheese as he zigs past defenders and pummels DBs to their soft sides. To the Don!

Changing of the Guards

The annual changing of the guards is currently going on at Packer training camp. For the last few years this has gone off like clockwork, much like the changing of the guards at Buckingham Palace. How is it that in the name of competition, we stick with the same three guys year-in and year-out, bring in a rookie or two to challenge them, never resulting in a real competition, and then continue the status quo of shuffling guys around every week of the season? Is this something that we could get resolved sometime in the near future? Hmmm....maybe that's a tall order. After all, the British Empire once ruled over and dominated 531 million people, whereas the Packers only rule over and dominate the 31 other teams in the NFL, management might not be up to the task.

Tracy White Fact of the Day: Tracy White doesn’t need to break the wedge on kick-off coverage. By the time the wedge is formed, he has already tackled the returner and is doing push-ups on the sideline. True.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Patty Cake


"I'm going to try to crush all of 'em," - Pat Williams, MN Vikings
Okay, Pat, okay. The buffet is to the left.
When you have recovered from opening night's thrashing, we will let this little piece of over-anxious zeal slide. It's only fair that you have bought into the media's portrayal of you and your cohorts on the Vikings' D-line as an imposing group. Like last year, the Packers will quietly tally up the yards and send you and the newly bought Vikings home wondering what all that money spent in the off season actually amounted to. Another new jersey design may have been a better investment.

Tracy White Fact of the day: Former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue considered waiving the NFL's age requirement when he first saw Tracy White play. He was 12. True.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Things will be A-OK with A-Rodge I think

Anytime someone calls me a Simpleton, I always respond the same: “Thank you.”

That’s because I am a simple man, just not in the way they’re talking about. More than anyone else I know, I have been blessed with the ability to cut complicated crap down to its essence. In other words, I simplify things. And Monday night during the Pack’s preseason game, I had a epiphany of the simple kind……the PACKERS ARE AWESOME.

Just like realizing when you flex your right arm in the mirror it’s actually your left bicep that bulges big (and vice versa), or that it’s probably that Sunday bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 that gave you the runs at work on Monday, knowing that the Green & Gold is going to dominate this year no matter who’s at QB relaxes me a little. I’m sure my nervous hyperactive temper will get the best a me a few times this season, but for now I can sleep with my eyes closed, for the Packers are awesome.
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