At first glance, it would seem that the Packer family is firmly entrenched in two camps, much like the Hatfields and McCoys. Fussin' and a feudin' over one, Theodore Thompson. One side believes he is the Devil incarnate, sent to banish the Packers to season after season of filth and despair. The other side believes he is a man worthy of worship and unquestioning loyalty, and questioning his judgment is sacrilege against the holiest of holies, Lord Lambeau. This is a convenient way of labelling your extended Packer family. I, however, after careful deliberation have devised a more exacting spectrum of the Packer family. This spectrum is a seven-member family, and since most well-run families are matriarchal, it is capped on both ends by strong, opinionated sisters: Great Aunt Florence and Grandma Beatrice.
- Great Aunt Flo - There has never been anything that has ever made Flo happy. "You didn't buy anything?" "You bought too much." "Why did you get that? It's junk." Pretty much sums up how one extreme side of fans feel about the TT-run Packers. Nothing will be good enough until he is gone, they would rather lose than have him be GM, much like Flo would rather be miserable than not.
- Cousin Kelly - Unfortunately, Kelly has low self-esteem and to counteract that, she tends to sleep with any guy she meets. She tries to keep up with her boarding school classmates from out East, sometimes she gets a date, but not two. Cousin Kelly is like the Packer fans who want to spend every last dollar on the new free agent class, getting new players just makes them feel better about themselves even for a short time.
- Dad - Dad is fiscally responsible and sees no need to go out and buy new tools when the ones he has are working fine... and are cheaper. But he just can't figure out young people nowadays and why you would ever rely on them to do anything. Dad is the Packer fan who sees no need to overpay free agents, but he can't get over how damn young the team is, and he is utterly fixated on Justin Harrell. He will never let it go.
- Cool Uncle Phil - Uncle Phil is the guy you always look forward to seeing at the Family Reunion. He's easy to talk to and can relate to pretty much everybody. Give him a beer and he'll talk Packers for days. Uncle Phil is the Packer fan who never gets too high or too low, he can understand each argument and tactfully present a counterpoint without resorting to petty insults.
- Younger brother - The younger brother is a sixth year senior at UW, but it's alright. He plays bass in a jam band and gotten busted for possession twice, but it's alright. Classes and his thesis are going alright. Bro' is the Packer fan who is pretty sure things are going alright, he's not in any hurry and he thinks the best things are yet to come. A late night jam session can bring out the contemplative side, like what if we would have gotten Moss? But he forgets about it soon enough. It's alright.
- Grandpa Ernie - Grandpa Ernie is a product of the Great Depression and veteran of WWII. He believes in saving money and not being frivolous. He also believes in leading through strict discipline, that's how his Sergeant did it and Lombardi too, he should know he watched him. Grandpa Ernie is the Packer fan who believes in sticking to your guns, once you make a choice you stick to it, you don't overpay anyone and run a tight ship. A certain veteran leader would have been nice for Ernie, but no one is bigger than the platoon.
- Grandma Beatrice - There has never been a happier woman than Grandma Beatrice. She is cheerful and unflappable, even in the face of disaster like a burnt turkey at Thanksgiving or a season-ending injury. "We'll just order Chinese." or "It'll give the backup a chance to shine." Beatrice is the Packer fan who supports the team no matter what. The TT-run Packers are doing great and making all the right moves. "The best thing about 6-10 is we can improve next year."
All Packer fans fit somewhere into this spectrum, where are you?
Update: I had a few fingers of The Glenlivet (really any Glen'll do) while writing this, so I had to change a few typos. I also forgot to mention please, please use this to label any and all members of the Packer family, even if you have to call them a mutant cross between Cousin Kelly and Grandpa Ern.