Tuesday, April 21, 2009

With the Number 9 Pick.....

My Ranter colleague, John Johnson, affectionately know around here as “The Company Man”, as he has never disagreed with Packers' management under Ted Thompson, recently suggested I use The Packer Ranter as a platform for an incredibly devious draft-altering tactic. Being a man of tremendous integrity (as is Johnson usually), I dismissed him immediately. But after mulling it over for some time, I have become convinced that the idea has significant merit. It seems that Johnson has become enamored with Alabama tackle, Andre Smith....with good reason. Four months ago, he was best player in the draft and the #1 overall pick; a couple bumps along the road in the past few months have tattooed a question mark on his chest. Johnson’s suggestion is as follows: someone needs to drop a little false information to scare off the 8 teams ahead of the Packers.

You’d think it would be hard to scare off 8 teams from a stud offensive lineman, but all these teams are going to need is just a little push, they are already scared as hell of screwing up their pick. Continuing in the vein of fake Facebook friend requests and leaking false failed drug tests, I have already emailed the front offices of the Lions, Rams, Chiefs, Seahawks, Browns, Bengals, Raiders, and Jaguars the following memo:

General Manager:
I feel it is important to let you know that I recently saw a certain draft prospect from Alabama get arrested in downtown Minneapolis along with an official from the Minnesota Vikings. I understand that NFL teams are not allowed to host players at this time, so I am unsure why the Vikings are violating NFL Policy (you may want to contact the Commissioner about this). But I digress, I was driving and saw said prospect trying to run from the police officers chasing him. He was visibly winded and out-of-shape, and could not push a female police officer off his chest when she tackled him (she may have weighed all of 110 lbs.) I feel it is important for you to know this, as you are facing a very important decision for you and your franchise. I implore you to make the right one; do not draft this prospect with your first round pick. Getting arrested a week before the draft should ensure that you remove him from your draft board. Apparently, his new agent has done a good job of covering this story up, but you can never trust an agent, am I right? Good luck to you and your team in the future.

Franklin Hillside
Concerned NFL Fan

My message to Ted Thompson immediately following the above emails:

Taken care of. You can thank The Ranter and me for the next 10 years.


1 comment:

  1. Personally, I am glad this guy went somewhere else. Seems lazy. Talented, but lazy.


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