Wednesday, August 19, 2009

SPEWS Is No Laughing Matter

For two weeks last summer, the library I was working at did not have the use of their air conditioning system due to some remodeling that was being done. As a book restorer, it is important that I actually repair books rather than worsen their condition. This immediately proved to be impossible as the temperature in the building was pushing the high 90’s and my hands were sweating all over the books I was working on. Moisture in any form is the arch-enemy of books…unless of course you’re writing them, in which case booze can be your greatest ally (same with Rants). I tried using paper towels, beach towels I brought from home, sweat bands, and Robert even suggested I put some Old Spice High Endurance on my hands. Needless to say none of this worked, and as a last resort I went to see a doctor to see if there was anything I could do. The doctor informed me I had SPEWS, Sweaty Palms and Excessive Wetness Syndrome, and that there is really nothing I could do.

Flash forward to this summer. By all accounts, Brian Brohm’s improvement from last season has been less than significant, and he is attributing it to having sweaty palms. To combat this, he is wearing gloves. I’m no persperologist, but I can say that his symptoms of overly sweaty hands sounds a lot like a case of SPEWS, and no glove, not even this magical one, is going to stop it. As a fellow sufferer of SPEWS I can fully relate to what Brian Brohm is going through. Society looks down their dry noses at people with sweaty palms, always considering them to be feeling guilty of something or feeling overly nervous. This is far from the truth, as I am in fact ridiculously confident in myself, and I think Brohm is too. Just read his comments after a less than stellar performance against the Browns. This guy is not nervous and doesn’t feel guilty for throwing two picks (they really weren't his fault anyway). The only thing he is guilty of is being born with three times the number of normal sweat glands on his hands, shame on you all for criticizing and making fun of a man’s medical condition.

I’m glad I could help shed some light on Brohm’s predicament and open the eyes of Packers’ fans. Support is the best way of overcoming SPEWS…that, and a waist band towel and wrist bands made of ShamWows! Seriously. It worked for me. Replace after each quarter, Brian, and you should fine…I just don't know if the glove will work against SPEWS. Best of luck.


  1. My cousin had SPEWS really bad during puberty his freshman year at Manawa. But, he was all state at wrestling too that year. I think the intense sweating had something to do with it (helps to escape holds, etc.), because he was only a .500 wrestler the rest of his high school career. Never thought about it until now.

  2. Maybe Brohm should start jerking it more. Doesn't that give you hairy palms or something?

  3. Why doesn't he get one of those sleves like ahman green??

  4. He tried it, it slid right off. True.


Google requires us to state we use third-party advertising, who may use information (not including your name, address, email, or phone) about your visits to provide ads of possible interest. For more information or to opt out, click here.
To contact us or to advertise, email packerranter {at}