Monday, September 28, 2009

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Yes, I know how to Photoshop. No, I did not Photoshop this.

With the unprecedented matchup now only a week away, all the Favretalk (that I’ve tried to avoid) will be everywhere. And so, to try and see where the public really stands on the man, I performed a routine Google search.

As you can see, Brett Favre is no longer associated with complimentary terms like legend, warrior, gunslinger or even quarterback for that matter. He is now associated with being a jerk, a joke, a traitor and one of today’s most popular terms, the douche (this of course is the rootword and sibling to the also trendy “douchebag” In fact, thanks to Google’s smart search, we now know that “Brett Favre is a douche” is the #1 thing people search when finishing the sentence, “Brett Favre is… “.

I don’t necessarily know what people are expecting to find as Favre relates to a douche, but I can tell you there are 32,500 search results filled with anger I thought only reserved for our worst criminals, Ryan Seacrest and Rosie O’Donnell.

Congratulations, Brett. You’re now Rosie O’Donnell. We’ll see you next Monday.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Alert Level is Green and Gold

Packer fans, there is an enemy on the horizon far greater than any you have ever seen. This man is not a member of the Rams and most definitely not Adrian Peterson. Nay, this man is more dangerous than the evil love-child of Darth Vader, Freddy Krueger, Norman Bates, Keyser Soze, and Gozer the Gozerian, (the Goze is freaky like that). This man is not a member of the Axis of Evil and probably isn’t a member of Al Queda…I say probably because I can’t be sure, and even if I was, I’m not authorized to share that information with you, need to know basis and all that. He may not be on the FBI’s most wanted list, but he has made Wisconsin's persona non grata list in my book. And, you all know how important my lists are.

This dastardly human, who may or may not be a mixed-breed Bears/Vikings combo fan, is Charlie Radtke, owner of Phoenix Marketing Group of Milwaukee. My motto has always been never trust someone in marketing and that seems to hold true…once again. You see, Charlie Radtke has plans to change the Green Bay Packer logo into some gross, bastard-child logo that includes a “B” presumably from "Bay", but it could signify "bastard," no one knows. Combining these letters into a new logo would be comparable to combining Nickelback, Creed, John Mayer, The Jonas Brothers, and the Eagles into a supergroup for a Christmas Album. Just imagining that made me decide not the celebrate Christmas this year….and I LOVE presents.

Lucky for us, no one really cared, that is until something called Jim Stingl returned his call and gave a level of credence to this whack-job, although I’m not sure what level of credence the Opinion section of the Journal Sentinel really gives anyone (I'm actually probably giving it more by writing about it here at The Ranter). Radtke claims he doesn’t “want to see torches and pitchforks, angry villagers”. Well, Charlie, there’s an easy fix to that, shut your mouth, delete/burn/bury your designs, and disappear for awhile.

On a positive note, the designs are so awful that a drunk eight year-old could have done them with an Apple IIe, so I think we are safe from any uniform changes in the near future. However, people like Charlie are dangerous in that they can work in secret, behind the scenes and suddenly there is an ugly “G-B” on the helmet of Cullen Jenkins. You think I’m paranoid? Ha! Ron Wolf thought about changing the uniforms (then came to his senses). Also, I must remind you: never underestimate the power of the vocal minority…Prohibition and the Patriot Act are prime examples.

Please practice constant vigilance, Packer fans. Constant vigilance.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Mother Untucker

The prestigious Men’s Underwear Fitting Guide tells us that if your undershirt keeps untucking from your pants, “you probably need a smaller size undershirt.” This is supposedly because the armhole depth of an undershirt too big will cause the side seam of the shirt hem to come up when you reach up. In fact, MUFG believes an undershirt should be at least 3" longer than the top of your pants. I don’t really understand this to be honest.

I don't think Johnny Jolly reads or understand MUFG either, because every game I’ve ever seen him play, his big ol’ XXXL jersey is untucked and open for business. This always struck me as unusual since everyone elses’ jerseys stay securely tucked throughout the game, so I watched Jolly closely the last two weeks. Sure enough, his jersey doesn’t become untucked during the course of the game; like clockwork, he pulls it out of his pants (no, not that) after the first defensive play.

I’ve always been an untucker myself. It’s faster, more comfortable and I have to agree with Gardenfoot when he says, “untucking your shirt means you live by your own rules.” Jolly is the same way. Sure, Rodgers, Jennings and Woodson normally come to mind when you think of “cool” Packers, but you know what? Their shirts are always tucked in. ALWAYS! With his untucked shirt, Johnny Jolly proves he is ultimate rebel in an otherwise highly controlled enterprise. He not only shows he’s the coolest guy on the Packers, but that he just might be the James Dean of the NFL.

And there’s more. Football has become so popular it has transcended the world of fashion and even common-sense style. Somehow along the way, it has become acceptable for grown men listed at 6’3, 320 lbs. to wear tight-fitting, tucked-in mandex outfits. In today’s world of 50+ inch HD televisions, that can get pretty disgusting. Johnny Jolly reminds us that’s not cool, and that sometimes living by your own rules does everyone some good.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Meet Your Neighbor

Won’t you be my neighbor? Hi, neighbor!

In an effort to better understand what makes Packers’ fans tick in our Packer Neighborhood, I have come up with a list of questions that, in my humble opinion, will tell you everything you’ll ever need to know about the people behind the scenes of the numerous and exceptional Packers’ blogs. These are the guys Robert and I read on a daily basis and you should too if you call yourself a fan.

First up, I present to you, Alex, from Packers Lounge. Good humor, a critical eye, and intense passion for all things Green Bay fuel this blog. Without further ado, I give you the Packer Ranter Neighborhood Interview:

1) If you woke up in the middle of the night, and Ted Thompson was standing over your bed watching you sleep, what would you offer him to drink? (that's the polite thing to do) Why?

First off, let me make it abundantly clear that I want Ted nowhere near my bed at anytime. Secondly, if he was watching me sleep it would be hard to offer him anything. This being said, I would approach the situation Santa Claus style by making sure to leave out something every night lest I miss him.

Instead of the traditional glass of milk, I think Ted would appreciate a bottle of True Blood. You know, the stuff the vampires drink in the HBO series. I don’t know if Ted is a vampire, but I do know the guy looks like something straight out of Revenge of the Zombies. Ted Thompson is the living dead at the very least. This is yet another reason for him to stay the hell out of my bedroom.

2) What's your favorite '80s hair band, and how do you relate them to the Packers? (this is relative, you may hate 80's hair bands, but if you had to choose one, who would it be)

Everybody knows that the greatest 80’s hair band is a tossup between Warrant and Winger. With classics like “She’s only Seventeen” and “The Down Boys” both bands reek of spandex and Aqua Net. Granted, Motley Crue, RATT, Tesla, Autograph, Cinderella, Fire House, Poison, Def Leppard, and Whitesnake all deserve high marks, Warrant and Winger simply are unmatched in their ultra lameness.

How does this relate to the Packers? How the hell is anyone supposed to answer that? If I had to take a stretch, Rick Allen, the drummer from Def Leppard had one arm. This immediately makes me think of Justin Harrell, except Rick Allen was good.

3) Which cheddar is beddar: mild, medium, or sharp? Subquestion: How the hell does California think they can make cheese?
Sharp cheddar is the best cheese there is. I should know I eat a ton of it. Little known fact, I drink two gallons of milk every week and eat a block of cheese. Milk is my favorite drink of all time. Being partial to that product, and its production in my home state of Wisconsin, California can take a flying $%^# at a rolling cheese log.
4) If John Rambo, in his prime of First Blood Part II, played for the Packers, which position would he play? Is he Pro Bowl material, or just a serviceable player?
Rambo would never make the Packers squad because he is not Packer people. I mean the guy is tough but he can’t take direction. I mean how many times did Rambo ignore orders from John Murdock? Ted Thompson would never have any of that, look at Anthony Smith. Rambo would most likely be in the secondary somewhere, but due to his height disadvantage he might only be a special teamer. Regardless, after he gutted out a couple players in week one with his big ass serrated Bowie knife, he would probably be cut.
5) Ty Webb or Jeffrey Lebowski?
Caddy Shack is classic of course, but basic cable is ruining the #$%& out of it. I like the dude in The Big Lebowski, but I think bowling is schwag. I will have to go with golf on this one.
6) If you woke up tomorrow and the Packers ceased to exist and no one but you remembered them, how would you convince everyone they are the greatest organization in sports?

If no one knew the Packers existed, they would also not know that I wasn’t President of the World. So, before I addressed the Packers I would make sure world domination was intact first. After that, I could pretty much tell people whatever I wanted as the sovereign leader. I wouldn’t have to do much convincing, but I would leave out the whole Joe Johnson part, and probably omit Favre for the addition that included the lengthy career of Don Majkowksi.

7) Don Hutson basically invented the receiver position, what's your favorite invention: the Cheesehead, the truck-bed tailgate, or the Green Bay Sweep?

For the record, I think Cheeseheads are lame as hell. Being from Wisconsin, whenever you go anywhere else all people do is identifying with that stupid orange foam atrocity. It’s a travesty. Who ever invented that S.O.B. should be tarred and feathered. Dumbass.
I’m not a big fan of the other two either. Best invention in my mind… the Packer Potato Head.

Wow, Alex, I don't know what I expected, but I have to admit you far exceeded any subconscious expectations I may have had in regards to your responses to these questions. It's good to know you're out there sharing your views on the Packers.
RE: the 80's hair band relation to the Packers, if you want to talk sometime about 80's hair bands, I would be more than willing to relate them to anything.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Aaron Finally Finishes

Aaron is neither loud nor OchoCinco obnoxious, but with this guy there is definitely confidence to spare. He’s got this cocky half-smile and indescribable swagger that does all the talking. Yes, he was the man in the college and yes, he has always gotten most of the babes around Green Bay. But the last few years, he had been proving all the doubters right. He heard the whispers. He knew what people were thinking. I know it affected his confidence.

So it comes a bit of surprise that during the Greenfield Packer party last night, my buddy Aaron Jorgenson finally finished an entire tub of Shedd’s Spread Country Crock…in the first quarter.

It started out as a bet between two angry, drunk, competitive guys (Aaron and myself) after the Packers lost to the Falcons in the playoffs a few years ago. We challenged each other to an absurd bet neither of us thought the other would ever achieve. My gauntlet to Aaron: finish an entire tub of Country Crock in one sitting with no puking. Until this point, Aaron had failed on nine different attempts using a different strategy each time: butter bars, loaf of buttered bread, frozen butter pops, butter shake… you name it.

Last night was different though. Aaron didn’t show up plastered (as he normally does), he was all business in his warm-up suit and his trademark BKs. He had his tub of unopened, Robert-approved Country Crock inside a plastic bag from the Piggly Wiggly. He cut through the partygoers, plopped on the couch, looked me in the eye and asserted himself with two words: “Say When.”

This was serious business. I put Tanker in charge of the grill, grabbed a sixer and took a seat next to Aaron. As Crosby kicked off, I gave him the go-ahead and he went to work. Like mortar for a foundation, Aaron swiftly scooped out two spoonfuls of Country Crock and scraped them into each cheek. Every few seconds, he tilted his head back and swallowed. Within minutes he was butter-loading his cheeks again. It quickly became evident that his strategy was twofold: 1) Gillespie the butter and 2) use natural body heat to melt it.

Unlike chipmunking (where you jam as much food into your cheeks during the last seconds of an eating contest), to “Gillespie” something is to wad up the food into your cheeks so much that you look like the great trumpeter, Dizzy Gillespie. Some eaters do this to compress the food; others do it to take breaks; still others do it to pretend they are popping zits. Aaron Jorgenson, on the other hand, did something I never would’ve considered. His essentially used his mouth as a heat lamp, causing each scoop of Country Crock to melt, seep between his teeth and slide down his throat like a human butter drain. Genius.

By the time Grant scampered into the end zone, Aaron was licking the tub clean. He pounded down the empty tub and tried to get comfortable, butter-drunk as he was. I was so impressed, I almost said he should go home and rest, but I had to ensure he didn’t throw up. Like the good sport he is, Aaron waited until the game was over before leaving.

The only downside to the whole achievement was that he endured (and is still enduring as of this writing) one of the worst butter headaches known to man. He closed his eyes early in the 4th quarter and moaned like a dying cow the rest of the night on the couch. He missed both Jennings' TD and Harris’s game-clinching interception.

But he finally did it. And that’s something no one can ever take away. Way to go, Aaron! I suppose this means you’ll want me to teach that Curves for Women class now.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Someone's Cousin, Perhaps?

I know you may find it hard to believe, judging by picture to the left, but I firmly believe in alien life forms. Shocker, I know. On the other hand, you may also find it hard to believe I ate five kraut-smothered brats, a full package of Louie’s Meats Jalapeno Cheddar Stix, and washed it down with a sixer of PBR tall-boys before the Indianapolis game last year. I guess you can’t always judge a book by its cover. You many also not believe that I tend to stray off topic when I’m overly excited…like say, when the Packers open up the season on Sunday night at Lambeau against the Bears. However, in the case of nerdness, the specs give me away. I do have a tendency to gravitate toward things that some may consider nerdy…for example: talking about aliens.

My belief in aliens is not some crazy conspiracy-based belief, such as: Area 51 exists, is full of alien spacecraft and cadavers, and the U.N. has had diplomatic relations with the inhabitants of Zargon 7 since the end of World War II. Nope. It’s also not based on the fact that Debbie Swanson’s drunk uncle was allegedly abducted during a round of golf, taken away in a flying saucer, and later gang-probed by creatures who had six eyes. Not at all. I also don’t believe that aliens live among us and have figured out how to inhabit human bodies or mimic human form. I just think there’s so much out there, the odds say that there is other intelligent life in the universe. I mean, if the Vikings can go 10-6 and Bears 9-7 last year, however impossible that sounds, then there’s an excellent chance intelligent life exists.

The problem I’m having now is that I’m starting to doubt that aliens haven’t already made contact. I’m truly starting to think that a highly-advanced, alien race has sent a scout to Earth. A scout who has, in fact, learned to take the form of a human being and is living among us. If you’re reading this, you’ve already seen him in person, or at the very least on T.V. He has been very careful about maintaining his secrecy up until this point, but it has become clear he is a superior being, and that we are far-less evolved than his kind. With the comment by Rob Demovsky that Charles Woodson is a likely candidate to be the Green Bay Packers’ emergency quarterback, I am convinced that #21 can’t be human. Let’s look at this a little closer: 1) he can play zone corner 2) he can play lockdown, cover corner 3) he can play safety 4) he can play on a broken toe 5) he can return punts 6) he can return kicks 7) he can play receiver and did both in college and at Oakland 8) he can do all this with minimal practice time as he did last year 9) he can make wine as an established vintner 10) and by far the most important…HE CAN DO IT BETTER THAN YOU.

Does this scare me? Hell no, and it shouldn’t scare you either. If he wanted to take over our planet, he would have forgone free agency and done it already, is there any place that would piss you off more than Oakland? Nope, not scared and I, for one, I’m proud to have been a witness to human beings’ first contact with an alien life form.

Go Pack!

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Perfect Tailgate

To kick off the season, Franklin and I have put together our top 5 tips to help everyone's Lambeau tailgating adventures reach their full potential. We have a combined 50 years experience at over 350 Packer games, so you know our advice is a good as the award-winning sausage from Louie's.

Franklin suggests Tunes. Or some kind of audio system. Be it the sweet system in your customized minivan or a boombox with only a cassette option, some kind of music is essential. You’ll need plenty of AC/DC and two musts are Robert Brooks' Jump in the Stands as well as the Packerena.

Robert suggests a Football. No matter what Packer you’re trying to emulate, whipping a pigskin can really bring out the best in a parking lot party. Because there’s cars, bottles, burning grills, drunkards (perhaps you’re one of them), and a million other obstacles, it requires both skill and general knuckleheadedness. Nothing will provide the same levels of exhirliration, comradery and manhood you’re looking for quite like throwing the football.

Franklin suggests Beef Jerky. You need something to gnaw on while sitting in traffic. Nuff said.

Robert suggests the 20% Rule. Whenever you think you’ve finished packing all your food and booze, add another 20%. Here’s why: You never know when you’ll meet some cool fans you’d be willing to share some Leinies and curds with, or maybe a couple of hot chicks up from Madison really dig your style and want to party. Plus, that leftover braunschweiger and kraut after the game can make that Packer win taste even more satisfying.

Franklin suggests Beer from Wisconsin. Get a wide variety of choices, all the way from Miller down to Lake Mills’ Tyranena, Pabst, Old Milwaukee, Milwaukee's Best, Point, and New Glarus. Having any sort of imported beer (in this case, "imported" refers to beer brewed outside of WI state lines) is an insult and should draw derision and scorn from your fellow Packer fans. It may even prove you are a closet Viking fan, you poser. LEAVE THE PARKING LOT AND TAKE YOUR GRAIN BELT WITH YOU!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Man On A Mission

Hans Steiniger may consider himself your average, moderately paid, tailgating, beer-guzzling, NFL-loving American male, but he is anything but your ordinary football fan. This guy decided to celebrate his birthday a couple years back by embarking on a quest that would take him to every stadium in the NFL – all 31 of them.

Not only did Hans' ambitious plan entail going to the games, he also vowed to absorb himself in the home team’s culture – from donning shoulder pads and spikes in Oakland to waving a terrible towel in Pittsburgh and sucking down Milwaukee’s Best while eating bratwurst pizza and sporting a giant block of foam cheese on his melon in beautiful Green Bay, Wisconsin.

This December, Hans’ quest will be fulfilled as he travels to the Superdome as the Saints host the Bucs (spoiler alert: Saints win 33-13) for the last stadium in his journey. As I’m known as quite the major rager myself, I can respect Hans wanting to celebrate his quest by getting his drink on along Bourbon Street after the game. However, I think Hans would admit that as far as stadium experiences go, like Jim Levenstein, he peaked quite early in his journey.

For lucky stadium #7, Hans headed from his stomping grounds in NY to the sacred grounds of Lambeau Field. “This was the crowning achievement of my Quest,” Hans says on his website. Pretty bold statement when you consider he had 24 stadiums to go (but us Packers fans definitely understand).

He goes on to say some awesome things about his Packer experience that I wanted to share: “Of all the stadiums in the league, this is the one I most wanted to attend a game in… I couldn't help but be absorbed by the mystique of the legend of Green Bay, Wisconsin and its fabled Green Bay Packers franchise… I guess there's just something about watching football in Green Bay wearing a hat of cheese on your head. I can't explain it, but strangely enough, I completely understand it.”

Just look at that smile. Congratulations, Hans!
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