Thursday, September 10, 2009

Someone's Cousin, Perhaps?

I know you may find it hard to believe, judging by picture to the left, but I firmly believe in alien life forms. Shocker, I know. On the other hand, you may also find it hard to believe I ate five kraut-smothered brats, a full package of Louie’s Meats Jalapeno Cheddar Stix, and washed it down with a sixer of PBR tall-boys before the Indianapolis game last year. I guess you can’t always judge a book by its cover. You many also not believe that I tend to stray off topic when I’m overly excited…like say, when the Packers open up the season on Sunday night at Lambeau against the Bears. However, in the case of nerdness, the specs give me away. I do have a tendency to gravitate toward things that some may consider nerdy…for example: talking about aliens.

My belief in aliens is not some crazy conspiracy-based belief, such as: Area 51 exists, is full of alien spacecraft and cadavers, and the U.N. has had diplomatic relations with the inhabitants of Zargon 7 since the end of World War II. Nope. It’s also not based on the fact that Debbie Swanson’s drunk uncle was allegedly abducted during a round of golf, taken away in a flying saucer, and later gang-probed by creatures who had six eyes. Not at all. I also don’t believe that aliens live among us and have figured out how to inhabit human bodies or mimic human form. I just think there’s so much out there, the odds say that there is other intelligent life in the universe. I mean, if the Vikings can go 10-6 and Bears 9-7 last year, however impossible that sounds, then there’s an excellent chance intelligent life exists.

The problem I’m having now is that I’m starting to doubt that aliens haven’t already made contact. I’m truly starting to think that a highly-advanced, alien race has sent a scout to Earth. A scout who has, in fact, learned to take the form of a human being and is living among us. If you’re reading this, you’ve already seen him in person, or at the very least on T.V. He has been very careful about maintaining his secrecy up until this point, but it has become clear he is a superior being, and that we are far-less evolved than his kind. With the comment by Rob Demovsky that Charles Woodson is a likely candidate to be the Green Bay Packers’ emergency quarterback, I am convinced that #21 can’t be human. Let’s look at this a little closer: 1) he can play zone corner 2) he can play lockdown, cover corner 3) he can play safety 4) he can play on a broken toe 5) he can return punts 6) he can return kicks 7) he can play receiver and did both in college and at Oakland 8) he can do all this with minimal practice time as he did last year 9) he can make wine as an established vintner 10) and by far the most important…HE CAN DO IT BETTER THAN YOU.

Does this scare me? Hell no, and it shouldn’t scare you either. If he wanted to take over our planet, he would have forgone free agency and done it already, is there any place that would piss you off more than Oakland? Nope, not scared and I, for one, I’m proud to have been a witness to human beings’ first contact with an alien life form.

Go Pack!


  1. Isn't Bush #24?? He is very human.

  2. I guess I also need to say, that twenty four wine cannot be made by woodson, it has to be bush. Real Alien's only drink PBR!!

  3. Charles Woodson is the only man that can cover Chuck Norris.

  4. Lol. You speak the truth, D, you speak the truth!


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