Thursday, December 17, 2009

Real Men Don't Drink Zima

First there was the Minister of Defense, and now there’s the Jolly Rancher.

I just learned that the drink/drank/lean/sizzurp that Johnny Jolly is being indicted for (again) has a very simple recipe that starts with cough syrup and soda and ends with… wait for it… a Jolly Rancher.

Because of the last ingredient, this is dangerously close to falling into a category of drinks that should never be ordered by men. These are, in no particular order, the Appletini, the Wine Spritzer, the Cosmo, and oh yeah, the (classic) Zima with a Jolly Rancher at the bottom. Long-known to be enjoyed by women who don’t like the taste of beer, these fruity beverages actually come with a copy of the latest edition of O in some states (or so I heard). Among other things, it just reminds me of that sweet book back in the 80s, “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche.” Seriously, if I ever saw a group of guys tailgating with a case of Zima and a bag of Jolly Ranchers, I’d immediate start snapping photos because that’s about as rare as Sasquatch living in suburbia.

Now, I did say this concoction is “close” to being a girly, but it actually resides next to it. That is because I have seen Johnny Jolly play football and he is CLEARLY one bad mother – shut your mouth! However, does he deserve a little lighthearted flack for being associated with an illegal candy-coated drink? Yes. Thus, in the great tradition of Packer monikers, I submit for your consideration “the Jolly Rancher,” (supplanting my previous “Mother Untucker”) as the new nickname for Johnny Jolly. It is perhaps the most obvious and perfect nickname of all time, easily topping “Dookie Davenport” or “Chewy” and will be the name I use from #97 from here on out. I hope you agree.


  1. My nickname for JJ was Johnny "methylmorphine" Jolly, but I like The Jolly Rancher better.

    That's agreat picture of The Jolly Rancher in the off-season. He really is a different person on the field. I wonder which persona will show up in jail.

  2. From Wikipedia....

    Zima was associated with urban myths claiming that the beverage did not contain alcohol, or that its alcohol content would not register on alcohol-breath-test equipment; the myths were alleged to have improved the beverage's popularity among teenagers.

  3. D,
    I was unaware of the myths surrounding Zima. Thank you for bringing them to light.
    I do know (from previous bar-tending experience), that malt-ternatives (including Zima) are rarely ordered, thankfully. When they are ordered, it is best to brush the dust off before serving them.
    It is widely reguarded that fruity drinks are purge the taste of shame and humiliation out of one's mouth. I don't know why The Jolly Rancher needed them. Maybe he was nervous about the up-comming 3-4 defence in the '09 season.

  4. You're sipping Cosmos right now, aren't you?

  5. Hey D. I know a show on Discovery that would be happy to test that for you.

  6. you're welcome

  7. sippin' purple punch indeed.

  8. Jolly Rancher - I like it. Let's hope his sweetness can keep him out of jail.

  9. Maybe it's exposure to astroturf that has got him down. Nothing a little Ranchin' can't cure. Get out there and till the soil, JJ!


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