Monday, January 11, 2010

I Blame Myself

I thought I did everything right. I wore my Packer Zubaz to bed the night before. I sipped coffee from my lucky Packer mug in the morning. I recited Lombardi’s will to win speech to my dog after I put on her Packer collar and before we played fetch with my Aaron “The Camping Man” prototype. I set the meat out to defrost and whistled some. Everything was perfect.

But there was still seven hours until kickoff. And when I went to get the Bloody mix from the garage, a lifetime’s worth of clutter lay there, taunting me like some tormenting devil child.

“Go on, Greenfield,” the clutter spoketh. “Stop staring. Get your booze mix and leave me to revel in my chaos and filth… just like you do every other day.”

“Quiet, beast!” I yelled. “Or I shall void thee back into the abyss!”

The clutter was amused. “You silly Ranter. Have you forgotten what day it is? Did it slip your mind that your precious Green Bay Packers are in the playoffs today and you have your famous cheeseburger surprise to prepare and possibly a Rant to write? You talk to yourself, by the way. Which is how I know all this.”

“I have had just about enough of you!” I flipped on the lights, exposing the clutter for all its vile worth. I started pushing things aside. Aha! Behind the cooler and under some (collector editions, nice) nudy mags I found the shelves I bought in summer the last time I felt motivated to clean the garage.

Seven hours and ten garbage bags later, I was putting the last of the “miscellaneous shelf” items away. I had no idea what time it was because there are no clocks in there. I figured it would be fine though because pregame coverage of the GB game on the radio would let me know when I should stop working and commence my own pregame rituals. Before I knew it, an update announced that Rodgers had thrown an INT. I had the wrong station on, idiot!

I literally began choking on my Leinenkugels. Coughing and somewhat disoriented, I stumbled inside to see for myself. Like you, I then remained in shock as the Cards put up a quick 14.

Now, I’m probably being too hard on myself when I say it’s my fault the Packers lost, but I can’t help it. It’s just so abnormal for me not to be ready with plenty of time to spare for any Packer game, let alone a playoff game. Such bad joo-joo! I guess we are all questioning things right now. I just need some time to think.


  1. If I'm correct, and I usually am, Al Bundy's favorite magazine was "Big 'Uns".

  2. don't fret. My schnauzer "Buff" spent the first quarter with his front paws on my ottoman, begging to get in my lap. Frustrated with the early play, I kept angrily pushing him away. Only when I accepted the loss and allowed him to jump up there did the Packers begin to play well. I'm fairly positive my actions directly disrupted the balance and caused the first interception.

  3. From an expert on Als, you are correct on "Big Uns".

    You missed the start of the game? You let us all down...

  4. I forgive you guys. I'll blame Packnic, he doesn't like me.

  5. I may have also had something to do with it. I was not mentally prepared. After getting myself into a drunken stupor Thurs. and Friday night I fell asleep during a Sat. night viewing of QT's Inglorious Bastards. I was so worked up within the first 5 min of the game I began to hit TV/video on the remote watching both the game and the rest of the movie I had missed the night before. I was glad I finish the flick by the end of the first half unfortunately only one viewing experience had a result I enjoyed

  6. And I thought I was bad, Jonathan!

    P.S. Please do not judge those heads in storage on the bottom shelf. There's a totally legit explanation for those.

  7. GREENFIELD!!! You told me you had taken care of that. I suppose I'll have to rely on Hillside next time, and you know how excitable he is.
    Nice drywalling on the ceiling though. Do you have a french drain in the floor for snow melt? French drains are nice.

  8. A-TEAM trailer,A-TEAM trailer,A-TEAM trailer!!!!!!!


  9. I'm not sure about that one. Is the shot a Bradley Cooper with his shirt off a necessary addition to that trailer? I question that casting decision anyway?

  10. I thought it was my fault, I made vegetarian lasagna for the game.

    Wait ... It was my fault. Lasagna Commandment #2 - Thy Lasagna must always be meaty. For if it is not, suffer a great pain you shall.

  11. I also must shoulder some blame. I started out wearing my "We'll Never Forget You Brent" t-shirt and we got down quick. I realized the negative vibes I was sending out were affecting the team. I quickly switched to my "Mister Rodgers' Neighborhood" t-shirt, and we slowly clawed our way back due to the happy, fun-time vibes I was giving off. Alas, it wasn't enough.


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