Friday, February 19, 2010

The List: Item #63

As we have gotten older, Robert and I have become more responsible, especially in regards to our tailgating experiences. Our initial forays into tailgating were successful, if Spartan. We would get to the parking lot with the barest essentials, but invariably would have forgotten a key component: kraut, or buns, or spicy brown mustard, or a bottle opener. Lucky for us, tailgating Packer fans are the most generous subsection of humans on the planet discovered to date, so we would always barter beers (That was one item that never seemed to be forgotten. We may be forgetful in our excitement for game day, but we’re not morons) or extra meats for the lacking items.

However, our early experiences have taught us well, and now we rarely forget anything. The reason? We have begun to compile a list of essential items that we deem mandatory for Packer fans in search of maximum tailgating enjoyment. We simply refer to it as “The List”. It is an ever-evolving collection of things that get packed into Robert’s Tercel early morning on gameday. As Packer fans have been generous to us in the past, we now hope to pay them back by sharing “The List” with them. Over the course of the offseason, The Ranter will be highlighting items from “The List” with the intent of helping others achieve an Impressive tailgating experience.

Without further adieu, The List: Item #63: A set of Perfect Fit Buttons

Unless you are blessed enough to have a pair of Zubaz, or you are one of the few, the proud, the “I wear sweatpants in public” crowd, you probably will be wearing a pair of pants to the game that have a button. The problem with this is, you will also be eating copious amounts of grilled meat, baked beans, chips, chili, and not to mention consuming a lion’s share of beer. While this is enjoyable, the resulting expansion of your midsection is uncomfortable at best, and painful at worst. Hence, Item #63, an inconspicuous means of releasing the pressure of your waistband for the next few hours. This will ensure that you will be able to stand and scream in comfort for all of the Packers’ plays, while continuing to fill your gullet with Leinies. In addition, thanks to your Perfect Fit Buttons, the post game celebration at Stadium View or Anduzzi’s will be able to continue into the wee hours of the morning. Ahhhhh…..

You can thank us this fall.


  1. My cousin once wore maternity pants to a Packer game to get the benefit of the elastic band. He spilled mustard on them and got an earful from the wife. I have pictures.

  2. The list . . . . ahhhh, beeeautiful!

  3. I am not only a member, but I am president of the "I wear sweatpants in public" club.

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  6. "Its like having a custom tailor at your finger tips." Oh man that would have been a good one for Billy Mays. RIP BM...RIP.


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