Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Summer Rubber Had Me a Blast

Some things are not easy to admit.

Like the time I soiled my pants very badly in junior high after eating a moldy bologna sammy on a triple-dog-dare.

Or the day my mom walked in on me kissing a mirror when I was seven (it was practice for the big game someday hopefully with Greta Heinemann).

However, the summer when I was five became more than just an embarrassing moment, it was a season of shame. You see, I had these reoccurring dreams – night terrors, really – of Darth Vader chasing me up the stairs. I would try and climb as fast as I could, but the stairs turned into quicksand and I got stuck. Right before D.V. would grab me, I would wake up. And the bed would be wet.

This happened 2-3x/week, my mom tells me, for a good month before my parents did something about it. No, they didn’t get me a therapist or apologize for letting me watch Star Wars too young, they got me a twin-size rubber sheet… with a giant Packers “G” logo on it.

You see, my parents knew the one thing in my life that I would never try and harm in any way would my turtle Mortimer or the Packers. They must’ve been out of the ocean-themed rubber sheets so they got the Packers ones instead. And I’ll tell you, they worked like a charm. No, they didn’t stop the Vader dreams right away but after we started using the rubber sheets, I would only wake up screaming… the bed was dry!

My nighttime confidence grew so much that one night I gave Vader a swift kick to the helmet and he stopped chasing me. It was the last Star Wars nightmare I would ever have until the real-life nightmare that was Jar Jar Binks.

Out of curiosity, I emailed my mom to ask where they bought the Packer rubber sheet. Apparently, it wasn’t a sheet at all – it was an all-weather XL grill cover that they cut up and bungee-corded to the bed. Well played!

28 comments:

  1. Wow. Wow.... Wow.

    I know that writing can be cathartic, but you need to either pay your therapist more, or get a new one if he told you talking about this part of your childhood would be beneficial. Some things are best kept to yourself, Greenfield.

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  2. I said that it was not easy for me to admit, even though I was only five. I also could not come up with a better Rant this week. Slooow Tuesday an' all.

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  3. AWESOME RANT Greenfield!!!

    I've been looking for a Packer's grill cover for two years. I can't find them anywhere. Can you ask your mom where she bought her's?

    Talk about topical. I mean, I sift through all these crappy rants that blab on-and-on about God-knows-what, until finally all that drudgery pays off!

    Who knows? Maybe there will be something worthwhile from Hillside next. BTW, Hillside, nice new title. Editor in Cheese! Is Greenfield paying you more for your new-found expertise?

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  4. You are a kind man? Pashaww. To answer your question, yes, Franklin's meat and cheese salary has doubled in light of his new title. He now receives a case of Johnsonvilles and jumbo bag or curds at X-Mas time.

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  5. While the membership to the Jelly-of-the-Month Club at Christmas is truly the gift that keeps on giving the whooole year, the brats and curds my agent was able to leverage are a much better bonus.

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  6. breakfast of champions

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  7. Is the rubber "sheet" in a safe place so you can pass it to the next generation of Greenfields?

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  8. http://www.amazon.com/Rico-Green-Packers-Barbeque-Grill/dp/B001CKJ4OA

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  9. Thanks Jonathan.
    That cover on Amazon was exactly what I was looking for . . . though I was disturbed by the customer reviews.
    "Flimsy." "Cheap." "I'd send it back if I could get it back in the box."

    I guess Grillzilla will remain coverless sporting only the green and gold racing stripes I've painted on it. (also chrome accents and mag wheels, man they are sweet!)

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  10. Seems "TexasTim" may have lucked out by never actually receiving his. He is still waiting.

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  11. This is great, much better than reading so and so's arms are 2 1/4 inches longer than that guy.

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  12. Alex, I completely agree. Although, I've been told I have monkey arms, so that's fun to discuss.

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  13. Its true about Hillside's arms. Some people scream, some cry, but mostly people just have to fight a strong gag reflex when they first see Hillside's arms.

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