Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Eat More Lightning. Crap More Thunder.

Occasional Thought: If someone told me Michael Bay randomly decided his next remake would be Rocky starring Shia LaBeouf, I would be devastated. But then I would laugh after learning the movie is really about Rocky the Robot Truck, which Shia is voicing, and not Rocky the greatest boxing/underdog movie series the world will ever know.

Not long ago, Franklin and his ladyfriend came to a pivotal, potential game-changing moment in their relationship. They were about to donate some gently used items to their local thrift store. As they were strapping boxes to his hog, Franklin noticed a stack of records and among them, the Rocky IV soundtrack. Obviously, he had not packed that particular box.

Now, at mere the sight of such an atrocity, some men in Franklin’s shoes probably would’ve gone ballistic in the parking lot, causing a scene so wild and furious the neighbors would’ve been streaming the event live to the Youtubes under the title “crazy neighbors!! wtf!!” Not Franklin. After cracking two Spotted Cows, he sat down and had a long heart-to-heart, explaining that this wasn’t just the greatest soundtrack of all time, it was symbolic of a man – a man who had nothing in this cruel world but heart – a heart so strong it was only surpassed by his courage – courage to defy enormous odds – odds stacked up so high you’d need an elevator. But this man didn’t have a magic elevator. Just some turtles. But that’s beside the point, which is that the man in question wasn’t a man at all – that man was AMERICA!

I can only assume a very sincere apology and epic make-out session took place afterwards. I couldn’t tell you because after Franklin said “America” something inside me clicked and I just started running through the streets humming the choruses of those lengendary tracks (…There’s no easy way out…BOM-BOM. There’s no short-cut ho-ome!... BOM-BOM!…), shadow punching, dipping and dodging along the way.

Being the smallest market in the NFL but with a fiercely loyal fan base, (Green Bay and) the Packers will always have some ol’ Rock in them. (That’s despite what Philly may argue.) Our progress from nobody underdogs to champion over the last 20 years speaks to this. However, we seem to be somewhat stuck in a holding pattern of having mostly very good teams that, for whatever reason, don’t take it to the next and highest level. In other words, we’re like the well-groomed Rocky with the money, the mansion and the badass robot Paulie wants to nail. Our team is downright sexy – like Cindy Crawford circa 1990 wearing nothing but a string cheese bikini. Who’s hungry? WOOF!

Trading passion for glory and losing the dreams on the past and basically everything else that Survivor says can happen. Not saying it has, but it can. I have full faith that we have the talent and personnel to get this done – I think most people are in the same Trans Am. But a little more fight in the dog; a little more us against the world mentality never hurt. In fact, it can bring world peace. I’ve seen it.


  1. Snap!! aka Pashaww!!April 13, 2010 at 1:02 PM

    Only one soundtrack is more precious than Rocky IV, and that is Starship Troopers 3: Marauder.

    We will all benefit from more Casper Van Dien.

    I question the foundation of any relationship that doesn't respect these bodies of work.

  2. Our relationship is as rock solid as Stallone's chiseled abs.

    I recently had a chance to see Marauder, and I must admit, the emerging themes in the 3rd installment of this sci-fi classic were way deeper than: "KILL ALL THE BUGS!"

  3. I admire any relationship that can take that kind of punishment. Are slurred words and stunted acting also integral to the relationship or just a fringe benefit?
    Just teasing. A relationship girded in American flag shorts is beyond reproach.

    On Marauder:
    While the intricate quilt of social themes go deeper than, "KILL ALL THE BUGS!" the essence of the overall message remains. It's important to note that the thematic complexity approaches the brink, but pulls back from overwhelming the underlying subtext.
    Kill all the bugs is a clear metaphor for jingoistic cronyism. In the parlance of our times that is.

  4. I can relate to those abs for sure.

  5. Where the PHUK do you guys find these pictures? Too damn funny, man.


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