Friday, April 30, 2010

Hmmm....Can I Ask You Something?

Every now and again, I find a portion of Packers.com that I haven’t visited before. Yesterday it was the FAQ section. Admitting I don’t know something is not a strength of mine, so I never had a need to click on this page. Boredom led me here late last night after watching the Brian Bulaga press conference 4 times (I love this guy). Now, most of these questions I understand, but the “Does the Packers Organization take phone calls regarding fantasy football?” is ridiculous. I hate to tell you this, but if you need help from a pro team about fantasy football, you’ve already lost your league…plus, the Packers have more important things to deal with than The Chmura Pool Cleaner’s start or sit questions. Also, the answer to the cheerleader question which points to “fan indifference” as the reason for no Packers cheerleaders, is a flat out lie. I love cheerleaders.

I’d like to take this time to submit some questions I have (I guess I don’t know everything) that I am flat-out positive other die-hard Packer fans have too.
  1. How does Lambeau Field and the surrounding environs not implode under the sheer magnitude of its own awesomeness? (This would likely need a physicist to answer, but I’m sure Stephen Hawking is a Packer fan, he’s a pretty smart guy.)
  2. I was unable to find a pair of green and gold, corduroy slacks at the Packers Pro Shop. Are they on back order? How do I get on the waiting list?
  3. How the hell did the greatest special teams player in the history of mankind get released? (You know who)
  4. How many Leinie’s are sold during each game at Lambeau Field? Brats?
  5. When I die, can my ashes be spread on the Visitors’ sideline, so I can feel the fear and sense of futility permeating the Packers opponents for all of eternity?
  6. What is the status of my job application?
  7. Bill Miller’s title for the Packers is Plumber/Beverage Systems Technician…ummm…WHAT?!?!
  8. I have a good friend who has his single-engine pilot’s license, how do we apply to be an aircraft involved in a pre-game flyover?
  9. On more than a few occasions, I have seen opposing fans at Lambeau during the games. While I am more than willing to let these misguided individuals study the greatness of the Packers at the Packers Hall of Fame, is there a way to step up security so that these asshats aren’t allowed inside the hallowed halls of Lambeau?
I’m sure you all have questions too. Please feel free to add any questions you may have for the Packers in the comment section, and I will forward them on to the Packers FAQ Department…wait, how do I that?

16 comments:

  1. Bill Miller's title is a red herring. Bill is currently in charge of sexist comments and zenophobia and is under the employ of Zigy Wilf. He will soon be unmasked by the morally superior Packers organization and revealed as the abomination that he is.

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  2. When do the Favre urinal cakes arrive?

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  3. Pashaww, respectfully disagree. It takes a sage man to be commander and overlord of all liquids both going in, and coming out, at Lambeau. Bill Miller might be the modern-day version of Faramir, 2nd Son of Gondor.

    Side note: Bill Miller. William Miller? Was Almost Famous based on his youth? This Plumber/Bevie Tech is a cool, cool cat.

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  5. How did Mike Eayrs get hired in 2001 as the Director of Research and Development after spending the previous 16 seasons on the Viking's staff.

    Sub-question: Is he a mole? Someone should look into that

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  6. Do you think Bill Miller could install a urinal trough at my seat? Because that would make Lambeau even more awesome...and that guy and his kid who sit in front of me would no longer have to get peed on.

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  7. PPGJ, not only that, Mr Miller (if he so desired) could install a Spotted Cow tap at your seat. Then the people next to you wouldn't have to deal with constant beer mid-game beer runs. You could stay in your seat for days on end.

    Bill Miller rules.

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  8. Maybe Bill needs an intern. Do you think he's seen your application?

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  9. How many Arby's regular roast beef sandwiches can Mike McCarthy eat? Subquestion, is it better to double-fist said sandwhiches, or focus on one?

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  10. Come on question 1 and question 3 are one in the same:

    Tracy White Fact of the day: He quit his special teams job so as to employ his strength holding up Lambeau Field and the surrounding environs from imploding upon themselves due to their pure awesomeness


    Tracy White Fact of the week: He owns the last 14 pairs of green and gold corduroy slacks. He destroyed the building so he would look like the only one with fashion sense....

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  11. Well played, Graham. Well played, indeed.

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  12. A_Lerxst_in_PackerlandMay 3, 2010 at 10:57 PM

    If you stacked footballs end-to-end one for every point scored by Paul Hornung during his Packer career, how high would they reach?

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  13. Lerxst-

    Paul Hornung had 50 rushing TD's 12 reciving TD's 5 passing TD's along with 66 field goals made and 190 pat's. That gives him 790 (many sites don't give him credit for the 5 passing TD's, I do)

    790 points and the football is 11 1/8 to 11 3/8's inches long. So at a minimum 790*11.125= 8,788.75 inches, which computes to 732.39 feet or 7.32 football fields high!

    Not bad!!

    A little more impressive is Don Hudson. 103 total TDs 7 FG's and 172 PAT's gives the Dapper Don 797 points or 8,866.625 inches or 738.88 feet.

    However if we count Brett Favre (Packer TD's only) he had 486 passing tds (regular and postseason) and or 2,916 points or 32,440.5 inches or 2,703 feet or 27 football fiels or an entire half mile. Not bad...

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  15. Not so much a question as a concern (does anyone else share it?)

    When Mark Murphy was brought in he stated he'd been "rooting for the bares" but had been cured of that.

    Brian Bulaga has strong roots in bayuur football, yet states, he's excited to "now" be a Packer.

    Are "they" attempting to infiltrate and overthrow us from the inside? Does this cause anyone else to wake in a cold sweat? Can anyone set my mind at ease?


    GBP 4 LIFE



    P.S. -

    Graham, I best not ever catch you teachin' my chillinz math (I believe there would be 2.441 FF's in 732.39'... could be wrong).

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  16. I can't be 100% certain, Fitz, but I'm probably 87.3% that it's not too hard to lose any interest in the Bears, once you are made aware of the glory that is the Green and Gold.

    Screw it, 100% certain.

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