Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Pick me! Pick me!

Green Bay Packers
Human Resources
1265 Lombardi Ave
Green Bay, WI 54307


To Whom It May Concern:

This past week I have come to the realization that regardless of the obnoxious format of this year’s NFL Draft, I have become overly excited for the event. I fought this enthusiasm with every fiber of my being, but it was inevitable. My desire to be a part of the Draft in some fashion has prompted much contemplation on my part. This brainstorming has brought me to the conclusion that I would like to work for the Packers during draft weekend.

As such, I am writing to express my interest in a temporary position with the Green Bay Packers. I feel that I am excellent candidate for Green Bay Packers Draft Room Hydration and Sustenance Specialist I. I understand that this is not currently a position that exists with the Green Bay Packers, but I feel strongly that it both should be created, and that I would be the best suited candidate.

The hours spent pouring over draft charts, 40 times, and character notes may not be physically draining, but it is most certainly a mental drain. The best way to combat this is proper hydration and a balanced meal of grilled meats, baked beans, and a steady supply of beef or turkey jerky. Also, for those not intimately involved, drowsiness is a very real concern which can be combated by either a strong cup of coffee or a 32 oz. vodka-Red Bull, depending on Mr. McCarthy’s preferences (I have noticed he seems uninterested in the draft process)

I have extensive experience pouring libations both for myself and others. I do not mean to sound boastful, but I am able to perform this task pretty much non-stop for hours on end, which is exactly how long the draft lasts. I am unsure of how Mr. Thompson prefers his brats prepared, but I have numerous methods and am very flexible in that regard.

Currently, I work in a library, so rest assured that I understand the value of being silent. I will not attempt to interact with other Packers’ staff members unless specifically addressed by one. However, I must also point out my extensive fantasy football drafting prowess, so in the unlikely event that Mr. Thompson cannot decide between two future Packers, I am suited to provide a high level of input.

I understand the timeline is too short to be a part of the Packers’ Draft Team this year, but I look forward to hearing from you and beginning in 2011.

Sincerely,


Franklin Hillside


References available upon request

8 comments:

  1. Did you send this express mail? My guess is you'll be serving ol' Ted slippery nipples and kamikazees before you know it.

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  2. I don't know how the Draft Team made it to this point without your expert assistance.

    Meat with a side of meat - I like them odds.

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  3. Brilliant!! An open letters campaign is the only way to go!

    This forum can create the kind of political groundswell that will have the Packer's front office begging for your services.

    As you know form researching in your Coruscant library, open letters campaigns have been used successfully by many notable historical figures: Martin Luther King, Vaclav Havel, Nelson Mandela, Robert Louis Stevenson, Jan Hus, and Martin Luther to name a few.

    With time I'm sure your demand for "waterboy" employment will be spoken of in the breath as the Civil Rights movement, Prague Spring, the Velvet Revolution and the fall of Aparteid.

    You are creating a brave new world. Thank you for your leadership.

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  4. What do you have to do to get promoted to Specialist 2? Is there a pay increase or just an understanding that you're the boss of Specialist 1?

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  5. LOL, Franklin. Listening to G&G Today from Friday... Bill had no idea who you were. Has he been under a rock??? Funny.


    GBP 4 LIFE

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  6. Ha! Bill got irritated at me one day when I emailed in and told him to "get back to talking about the Packers" when he was going off on Mark McGwire and PEDs. Then we made up when I emailed him complimenting his rant on Brett Favre.

    Glad that someone out there heard my most recent foray into contacting Green and Gold Today.

    ReplyDelete

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