Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I'm On the Case

In an effort to help the Brown County Sherriff’s Department find whoever shot two holes in the Lambeau Field Atrium glass, I’ve narrowed the list of suspects down to the Packers 2010 opponents. Now I'm no John McClane, but I think my police work is sound. Jealousy is a common motivation among all, but each have their specific motives. All but two have the means, and I think when all is said and done, someone from the list below will be be rotting away in Brown County Correctional Facility very soon.

49ers: You’d be mad too if you had Alex Smith instead of Aaron Rodgers.

Cowboys: Jerry Jones has his dumbeningly (good word, no?) large stadium, but he still realizes that it doesn’t hold a candle to Lambeau.

Vikings: Their stadium dreams are kaput. Plus, Favre, well-know gun lover, hates Rodgers, Thompson, Murphy, McCarthy, etc, etc, etc….

Bears: Well….the Bears still suck. If that’s not a reason to hate Lambeau, I don’t know what is.

Lions: Honestly, I’ve ruled out the Lions. They haven’t been successful at anything in Wisconsin, or in Detroit for that matter, in over a decade.

Eagles: Andy Reid needed to back up the organization’s misplaced bravado for the Kevin Kolb era.

Jets: Rex Ryan is still mad that Charles Woodson is better than Darrelle “$20 mil” Revis.

Giants: Eli, guns don’t make you tough, neither do the Oreo commercials. Put down the Red Rider and let’s talk.

Washington Redskins: All offseason moves by the Redskins fail, so it couldn’t have been them. NEXT!

Falcons: You can’t cut me!! Do you know who I am?!?! I’m Matt Giordano!

Patriots: Bill Beelicheck thinks he can get away with anything.

Bills: Brian Brohm? Really? That’s what we’re looking at for QB? His hands are too sweaty? Who the @#$% drafted this clown?

Dolphins: When you’re as drunk as Ronnie Brown, who knows what you’ll shoot at? I learned this from my Uncle Liam O’Leary and his flask (jug) of Jameson when I was sixteen. It was the opening day of deer season, and that poor mail box never had a chance.

Yippe-Ki-Yay!

9 comments:

  1. I will rest easy knowing you are on the case.

    ps. I think Favre did it.

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  2. Thank you for your vote of confidence.

    He is high on the list.

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  3. What an great article. Bill Beeelicheck! Seriously good stuff.

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  4. I have a crazy theory that those weren't bullet holes, and that Mason Crosby was practicing nearby...

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  5. Interesting...

    I too have an alternate theory that revolves around them not actually being bullet holes. I believe there is a very real possibility that Tracy White was just knocking on the glass trying to get TT's attention. Yep, one hole was 12 feet off the ground, the other was 40.

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  6. Private investigators are just dirty cops that have been caught.
    I respect that. You can't trust a cop who is untouchable.
    That said, you are doing an excellent job, and here is an envelope with three hundred dollars in it. Or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?

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  7. It's a bit graphic, but I know what really happened.

    A-Rod was slammin' a Supermodel quality piece, when he pulled out, his superhuman swimmers blasted out of his Bachelor pad... across town... and into the Atrium.


    fer cereal!

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  8. I've put some more thought into it, and I have come to the following conclusion:

    Favre did it...in the study...with the candlestick.

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  9. ooooo - Sounds Painful.. I Love it!

    ReplyDelete

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