Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Future LB Corp?

I’d like to introduce you to the brothers Zelinski: Bart, Cole and Dane. They are not only Fond du Lac teenagers on the verge of puberty, they are the star linebackers on their Pop Warner football team, Erwin Family Dentistry & Associates.

It’s not too often the powers that be take notice of such young talent – the Tigers and Lebrons of this world are few and far between. But because of their aggressive tackling and otherworldly football instincts, the Zelinski brothers are already receiving unofficial visits from Division 1 schools around the country. And did I mention they are only in middle school?

And this is exactly why the Packers need to take notice now. With a little grooming and maybe a little more protein, these brothers could potentially take the NFL by storm and begin a new era of talent grooming in professional sports. The time to invest is now, Packers organization. Why, you ask?

Brothers. Forget team-building, these guys have lived together for over a decade. They share an unspoken bond that will only get stronger with age. I mean, have you seen Slapshot?

Combination. Look at that formation. You’ve got compact speed in the middle and power/length on the outside. Opposing coordinators are going to lose more than sleep trying to contain these guys.

Attitude. Yes, it’s obvious they were having fun posing for this picture, which goes to show they like to let loose. But look closer. That’s three of the most intimidating thousand-yard stares I’d ever dare to see.

Low Body Fat. Remember Robert Brooks? Besides this sweet diddy, he was known for having the lowest body fat % in like the entire NFL somewhere around 3%. I’m guessing these guys come in around 1% - combined.

Marketing. You’d be a fool if you overlooked the commercial opportunities that could come with this rare trio. Forget the first two movies of the trilogy, we’re going right to Z3: License to Thrill with these guys!

To Barnett, Hawk and whomever the other starting LB is going to be this year, I love you and this Rant should no way be considered disrespect. I’m just looking to build. I’m just looking to the future of my beloved Packers. I’m sure you understand.

Friday, June 25, 2010


He has seen...and is now a believer.

Have a great weekend, everyone. And remember...no news is good news.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Please Accept My Apology

At a very young age, I was told by my neighbor, Mr. Gustafson, “Never apologize for greatness.” He would tell me this when I would sit and watch him work on his 500 square foot model train set housed in his basement, and this set was truly great, complete with a model Schiltz Brewery. Old-Lady Gustafson would scream at him to mow the lawn, fix the sink, etc, etc, etc, but he would just look up, smile at me, and say, “Never apologize for greatness, Franky.” Those words make what I am about to say even harder. I have thought long and hard about this, and I have to apologize to someone and get this feeling of guilt off my chest. {Sigh}

Robert and I attended the Packers-Vikings game last season, and since a large portion of season ticket holders sold-out (you know who you are), we were sandwiched between two groups of Vikings fans. Now, the person on my left was fine….for a Vikings fan. The guy sitting next to Robert was a different story. He had a sign referencing Jared Allen’s mullet lifestyle that he claimed took him a week to create, he wore a tragically ugly Jared Allen jersey, and he wore purple pants. However, I am reasonable, I have patience, I could deal with all that. But what started to chafe me from the moment I sat down and through the course of the game, not in the least aided by the Leinies in the parking lot and at the game, was the fact that he was wearing a Cheesehead that he had painted purple.

It’s my feeling that you don’t take a symbol from another team and defile it to make something to support your team. I would never wear a moronic Viking helmet and paint it green and gold, or tip the horns with cheese. 1) Because, as I said, it’s moronic and 2) I could buy 3+ beers for what I spent on said moronic helmet.

Okay, back to my apology… Late in the game, after the Packers had made a valiant effort at a comeback, Favre threw another TD to seal the game. Well, mullet-fan, purple-Cheesehead-boy stood up and cheered like he’d gotten to hold Jared Allen’s hand while they watched Joe Dirt together. I’d had enough…and you would have too. I stood up, knocked the purple Cheesehead off his head, and took a bow for the grateful Packer fans sitting behind us. In retrospect, it was fairly passive aggressive, but at the time it made me, and our green and gold neighbors incredibly happy, despite the result on the scoreboard. Well, being in the front row (Oh, did I not mention that?) his bastardized Cheesehead landed on the field below us. Problem solved, right? Not necessarily. Pam Oliver and the Fox sideline crew were stationed directly in front of us, and Pam being the kind-hearted individual she is, handed back the purple cheese. Well apparently my hat-tipping opened the floodgates on heckling this fan, and people started yelling at him to sit down, and giving him a pretty hard time. His response: throw an empty beer bottle over his head into the crowd. Brown County’s Finest response: escort him from the game. So in the end, I was indirectly responsible for him getting kicked out of Lambeau by the sheriff's department and also for him missing the rest of the game.

So, having shared this story with you, I do feel like I need to apologize despite Mr. Gustason's sage advice. Anyway, here it goes: Pam Oliver, I’m so incredibly sorry you had to pick up that obnoxious guy’s purple-Cheesehead. I’m sure it was disgusting to touch, not to mention the fact that you were trying to work. You deserve better than that. Please accept my apology.

Hmmm....that wasn’t so bad, Mr. Gustafson.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

How to Make Money on the Internet

An amazing thing happened yesterday. In between the pesky bills and peskier junk mail stood out a large square envelope with an unfamiliar return address. I knew it was probably one of two things: my membership to The International Federation of Trekkers (IFT) Star Trek Fan Club had arrived or the board at the Wisconsin Cheese Makers Association had finally come around to my repeated requests to judge this year’s World Champion Cheese Contest.

As it turns out, it was even better – a check from Google (yes, that Google) in the amount of $108.47… ladies and gentlemen, the Ranter has officially hit the bigtime!

Now this check was literally the result of hundreds of people clicking ads on the Ranter but in the bigger picture, the check represented two years, 170 (original/sweet) Rants and hundreds of hours of brainstorming and writing by Franklin Hillside and myself. All in all, that averages out to just over .60 cents per Rant and/or mere pennies per hour.

And it’s the hardest money I’ve ever had to earn in my life. Bar none. So much that I don’t know whether we should cash the check and party or just frame and admire it.

With seemingly such little rewards, a lot of people have asked me if it’s worth it (well, no one has yet, but play along anyway). Blogging is not easy, my friends. It takes dedication, consistency and passion. Obviously, you will get paid little if any (seriously, most five-year-olds make multiple times more on allowance and quarters from grandma alone). And it can be a serious chore at times (just ask Alex). But if you can keep plugging away and have fun doing it, it is a rewarding experience. Oh yeah, be sure to be cool to your fellow bloggers, too. It’s a community, after all.

So while those ads that appear around the site may seem annoying or out of place at times, please keep in mind it is likely the only way we’ll ever get a bone thrown our way for what we do. To us, it’s worth it.

To all the wonderful Packer people around the world (seriously, they're everywhere) who make the Ranter part of their interwebs browsings, thank you and keep coming back. And hey, while you’re at it, maybe you’ll click on an ad or two! Just kidding, but not really.
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