Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Please Accept My Apology

At a very young age, I was told by my neighbor, Mr. Gustafson, “Never apologize for greatness.” He would tell me this when I would sit and watch him work on his 500 square foot model train set housed in his basement, and this set was truly great, complete with a model Schiltz Brewery. Old-Lady Gustafson would scream at him to mow the lawn, fix the sink, etc, etc, etc, but he would just look up, smile at me, and say, “Never apologize for greatness, Franky.” Those words make what I am about to say even harder. I have thought long and hard about this, and I have to apologize to someone and get this feeling of guilt off my chest. {Sigh}

Robert and I attended the Packers-Vikings game last season, and since a large portion of season ticket holders sold-out (you know who you are), we were sandwiched between two groups of Vikings fans. Now, the person on my left was fine….for a Vikings fan. The guy sitting next to Robert was a different story. He had a sign referencing Jared Allen’s mullet lifestyle that he claimed took him a week to create, he wore a tragically ugly Jared Allen jersey, and he wore purple pants. However, I am reasonable, I have patience, I could deal with all that. But what started to chafe me from the moment I sat down and through the course of the game, not in the least aided by the Leinies in the parking lot and at the game, was the fact that he was wearing a Cheesehead that he had painted purple.

It’s my feeling that you don’t take a symbol from another team and defile it to make something to support your team. I would never wear a moronic Viking helmet and paint it green and gold, or tip the horns with cheese. 1) Because, as I said, it’s moronic and 2) I could buy 3+ beers for what I spent on said moronic helmet.

Okay, back to my apology… Late in the game, after the Packers had made a valiant effort at a comeback, Favre threw another TD to seal the game. Well, mullet-fan, purple-Cheesehead-boy stood up and cheered like he’d gotten to hold Jared Allen’s hand while they watched Joe Dirt together. I’d had enough…and you would have too. I stood up, knocked the purple Cheesehead off his head, and took a bow for the grateful Packer fans sitting behind us. In retrospect, it was fairly passive aggressive, but at the time it made me, and our green and gold neighbors incredibly happy, despite the result on the scoreboard. Well, being in the front row (Oh, did I not mention that?) his bastardized Cheesehead landed on the field below us. Problem solved, right? Not necessarily. Pam Oliver and the Fox sideline crew were stationed directly in front of us, and Pam being the kind-hearted individual she is, handed back the purple cheese. Well apparently my hat-tipping opened the floodgates on heckling this fan, and people started yelling at him to sit down, and giving him a pretty hard time. His response: throw an empty beer bottle over his head into the crowd. Brown County’s Finest response: escort him from the game. So in the end, I was indirectly responsible for him getting kicked out of Lambeau by the sheriff's department and also for him missing the rest of the game.

So, having shared this story with you, I do feel like I need to apologize despite Mr. Gustason's sage advice. Anyway, here it goes: Pam Oliver, I’m so incredibly sorry you had to pick up that obnoxious guy’s purple-Cheesehead. I’m sure it was disgusting to touch, not to mention the fact that you were trying to work. You deserve better than that. Please accept my apology.

Hmmm....that wasn’t so bad, Mr. Gustafson.


  1. That apology was beautiful *sniff* and sincere. I'm sure Pam Oliver will accept it; she's a good sport.

    Although it was probably a good idea to wait about 8 months to issue this confession as I'm sure it took weeks and a gallon of hand sanitizer to clean that filth off her hands.

  2. That guy was incredibly creepy - looked like a living zombie and smelled like one too. He wasn't even a Vikings fan, rather simply a Jared Allen fan, which is even more disgusting. He got what he deserved.

  3. Its a good thing you didn't send him over the rail with the purple cheesehead. You wouldn't want to have to apologize to Pam for squashing her with a guy in purple pants. By the way, Pam's got dumps like a truck.

  4. I believe there is another even more egregious foul you should own up to here. I’m speaking, of course, of the Brown Co. deputies that have captured the sweetest gig known to man.
    Those guys get PAID to attend every home Packer game, wear a gun at the game AND give opposing teams’ fans the stink-eye! PAID I said!
    Now I’m sure they had been eyeballing this purple loser all game just waiting for a chance to ruff him up a bit, but the poor deputies had to miss the end of the game and actually work. Nobody should have to work on Packer Sunday. That’s God’s day. It’s a day that should be spent getting paid to wear a gun to a Packer game. Not wrestling with a mullet lovin’ purple train-wreck whose loud idiocy is only matched by the stench in the squad caused by purple pants turning brown after he poops himself and steams up the interior of your vehicle. I mean you can wash and wash but purple poop stains don’t come out of Crown Vic upholstery.
    So please, for the deputies . . . . Mea culpa?

  5. First off - "Well, mullet-fan, purple-Cheesehead-boy stood up and cheered like he’d gotten to hold Jared Allen’s hand while they watched Joe Dirt together." Is the funniest thing ever.

    2nd off - Pam Oliver has one of the sweetest 'dumpers' ever in-person.

    3rd off - A few years ago I cracked a loud mouth faggot wearing an Earlicker jersey in the nose (Christmas day game, we got worked... sucked). He was being an ass the whole game, and I told him the whole game to shut his fucking wangsucker, kid didn't want to stop bumpin' his gums... he got cracked. Best part is, I waited till the end of the game, and pretty much got a standing O from the whole section (this piss-ant was getting on everyone's nerves) I casually leaked into the departing crowd. No harm/no foul. I didn't ditch my newborn daughter and whole family on Christmas to lose to the bares AND have some bitch rub it in. Merry Fitzmas, you might wanna get that looked at... BYATCH!

    4th off - NICE WORK!

    GBP 4 LIFE

  6. This was a classic anecdote. Great read! Purple Cheese head ... sometimes I wonder about folks.


Google requires us to state we use third-party advertising, who may use information (not including your name, address, email, or phone) about your visits to provide ads of possible interest. For more information or to opt out, click here.
To contact us or to advertise, email packerranter {at}