Monday, July 19, 2010

What If?

Have you ever played the “What If?” game? Sure, we all have. You basically take a scenario and throw in a creative “What If?” to the equation. So you could be talking about your meeting, for example, and ask yourself, “What if I spontaneously combusted? Would my coworkers put me out or let me burn while pointing and laughing?” If nothing else, it passes the time.

I recently wondered, “What if... you took the movie ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ and instead of Jodie Foster, Brett Favre played the role of rookie FBI investigator?” Hmmmm… And then since I was really bored I took it a step further and asked myself, “What if you told that story in the form of a poem from Hannibal Lecter’s point of view?” HMMMM…

This is how their first meeting might have gone in Lecter’s cell. I tried to remain loyal to film. If you don’t believe me, you can start watching at 2:30.

I Know the Buffalo

So you’ve come to me, my little trainee
What is it that you want from me?
You say it’s to learn but won’t say what
So I’ll give you subject before it comes up.
You’re after him - the one they call Bill
What’s he done now – had another kill?
I’ll tell you what, what you can do
Stop with the games like I’m some kind of fool.
You know what I see when you look back at me?
A man clinging to some lost destiny.
A redneck boy somewhat brash,
One step removed from poor white trash.
That accent you’ve tried so hard to shed
Reeks distinctly of Mississippi spread.
Oh how you dreamed of getting out
“Anywhere but here!” you would shout.
All the way to where the action swells
A little-known place called the N.F.L.
So before you try and probe my mind
Remember this warning none too kind -
A census taker once tried to test me,
And I ate his liver with a nice Chianti.
Fly back to the farm my dear Brett
My simple Southern aging pet.
But come back if you can find
A man named Moffet, a former patient of mine.
He’s the beginning, you’ll someday see
Of the bizarre affair between yourself and me.


  1. "That accent you've tried so hard to shed
    Reeks distinctly of Mississippi spread."

    Never has a finer rhyme been written.

  2. I thought that was pretty good, too. Thanks Max.

  3. It may even top: "It puts the lotion on the skin, or it gets the hose again."

  4. Where is that line from Franklin?

    Hey, mister! I've got yer dog!

  5. Interesting side note:
    Both Brett Favre and Jodie Foster are fluent in French, understand German and can converse in Italian. Most notably they are both supremely impressed by successful presidential assassination attempts. (Not, botched jobs. I'm talking to you Hinkley. Sh!t, my SISTER can not kill the president).


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