Tuesday, August 31, 2010


As dorky as it sounds when I say/type it, I play fantasy football… and I like it!

Fantasy football offers the same kind of love/hate relationship as, say, a bottle of Wild Turkey. Sure, it tastes amazing and can make you feel on top of the world. But too much and you’ll get angry and incoherent and later wake up in the frozen food section of the grocery store by the chuckling prepubescent teenager snapping pictures of you on his camera phone.

Last year I had just about enough of it. Despite my best efforts, I somehow ended up in three leagues and was talked into joining a fourth – with friends from ten years ago who I hadn’t seen for at least five. What’s worse – only half of these guys actually cared to check their lineups more than twice/season. Total slackers, agreed, yet I was committed.

The thing you have to understand is that with four fantasy teams, you essentially have every player worth having. In other words, you root for everyone and thus no one at the same time – this is a TERRIBLE place to be. I became so frustrated by the situation that I chugged a beer, ran into the garage and tried to lift the back end of my Tercel off the ground (I swear it moved).

Then came the revelation. The only way to undermine this stupid league, get guys I wanted, and avoid all responsibility was simple – I had to draft ALL Packers.

However, this turned out to be much harder than anticipated.

All the rankings seemed to agree that Jennings, Rodgers and Grant were the top 20. With the 5th pick in a 12-team league, I was in a baaaad spot to get all three. I knew I could snag #85 and #12 but the big question was, would #25 come back to me in round 3? After my “reach” for Jennings in the first followed by Rodgers in the second, the chat smackers were onto me. Yet Grant was still on the board and suddenly only two picks away! But wouldn’t you know it, the f#@$*#g Muffin Tops grabbed Grant and followed it up with a heartbreaking, “How you like me know Greenfeeld!?” (He is a notoriously bad speller).

I sank into a minor depression as I went to my next best available, Donald Driver, and it was a piece of cake to get the rest of my guys. Yes, I had all Packers but it was just incomplete with Brandon Jackson and John Kuhn in my RB spots. Believe it or not, I did finish 4-9 (that’s with a bye week!) and I did the math and would’ve gone 7-6 and made the playoffs had Grant fallen to me…sigh. This quote from American Beauty (1999) seems to sum things up nicely.

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.”


  1. If you were in my league, I would have ordered a code red on your ass.

  2. In Robert's defense, the league was a joke, and the other guys actually were the ones who needed a code red to teach them to check their lineups.

    You can't handle the truth.

  3. Four of the jackasses didn't even show up for the (online) draft, and just took an autodraft. Same guys only set their lineups once all year, leaving players on bye or IR players in.

    It was a $10 entry fee that no one ended up paying.

    I'd do it again.

    Worst. League. Ever.

  4. Judge Randolph: *Consider yourself in Contempt!*
    Kaffee: *Colonel Jessep, did you order the Code Red?*
    Judge Randolph: You *don't* have to answer that question!
    Col. Jessep: I'll answer the question!
    [to Kaffee]
    Col. Jessep: You want answers?
    Kaffee: I think I'm entitled.
    Col. Jessep: *You want answers?*
    Kaffee: *I want the truth!*
    Col. Jessep: *You can't handle the truth!*
    Col. Jessep: Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
    Kaffee: Did you order the Code Red?
    Col. Jessep: I did the job I...
    Kaffee: *Did you order the Code Red?*
    Col. Jessep: *You're Goddamned right I did!*

  5. Last year it was easy to get all Packers. This year not so much. I grabbed A-Rod with the 4th overall in the 1st round. Grant in the 2nd, Jennings in the 3rd. grabbed Pack D in the 5th. The D-Bag Vikings fan one pick ahead of me grabs Finley and Woodson right before me. This guy hates the Pack as much as I love them (if that makes any sense.) I guess that's respect on some awkward way but that's fantasy football. My team name... Lords of Lambeau. Ready to kick ass! P.S. we do defense and I picked Collins, Barnett and Mathews with Crosby as kicker. GO PACK GO!

  6. Lords of Lambeau? That is FANTASTIC. Typical Vikings fan would do that! Still, you should have a great team this year.


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