Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Take a Deep Breath....

Of course I have concerns about the Packers, but I’m more worried about our fans right now. I haven’t seen this much freaking out since my cousin tried to get his dog to wear a a Santa hat during Christmas ’04. The dog would not stop running around, squealing like someone was branding him with a hot poker. He stopped eating for a week and has since become incredibly skittish about being touched on the head.

It’s a long season, Packer fans. We’re going to need you cheering for these last ten games and with a little luck, perhaps some more. To help you cope with these panic attacks, I’ve compiled a list of symptoms that may help you decide if you are in fact having a panic attack and if so, how you can cope.

Common Symptoms of Panic Attack

• Raging heartbeat, like you’re seeing new NFL spokesperson Marisa Miller for the first time
• Feeling as though you 'can't get enough air’ as if BJ Raji himself were sitting on your chest
• Terror almost paralyzing like watching Hoarders. Seriously, have you seen that show? Shock and awe, man.
• Nervous, shaking, stress probably stemming from a Mason Crosby game-winning FG attempt. Actually nevermind - that’s everyone.
• Feeling of dread as though Clay Matthews mistook you for an opposing quarterback
• Lightheadedness or nausea, like when you polish off a case of Mad Dog 20/20 to impress a babe and then fall over as you finally approach her
• Trembling, sweating and shaking as though you’re in a stagnant line to use the urinal after shotgunning those beers in the parking lot. Was it really worth it?
• General fear, fright, afraid, anxious like going against Ted Thompson in a staring contest
• Hot flashes, or sudden chills like getting a December gust of wind in the face at Lambeau
• 'Pins and needles' tingling like sitting on your hands for an hour and then standing up
• Fearful that you're going to go crazy or are about to die. Well, if that’s the case you should probably see a doctor. The Ranter probably won’t be able to help.

But people – to get over panic attacks, you have to face your fears. If you stop watching and attending Packer games, the football odds are against you - there’s a real danger of becoming a recluse. You could wind up self medicating on cheese curds and living through your avatar, a feisty warrior fairy named Gorgathina who’s into hunting ligers and threeways.

There is hope.

A great man once said knowing is half the battle, and I just dropped some knowledge bombs above. Now I want you to drink a Mountain Dew, Red Bull or caffeinated drink of your choice. Caffeine is a known stimulant that makes you feel on top of the world. Finally, you’re going to rebuild your Packer pride by watching watch some highlights of Clay Matthews here. Feeling good now, aren’t you, now that you remember what a great organization we have? In fact, bookmark it and watch it any time you’re feeling an attack coming on.

This systematic approach to dealing with Packer-related panic attacks should give you, our fans, peace of mind and keep you as safe as Ted’s draft picks for the rest of the year. Good luck, people.


  1. Cheese curds, ligers, and threeways?

    Being a recluse doesn't sound all that bad...

  2. I thought the same thing, Max.

    See you all later. I'm retreating to my lair until we clinch a playoff spot..which we will.

  3. Maybe I should've come up with a less desirable outcome!


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