Tuesday, December 28, 2010

From My Goiber to Yours

GOIBER (n.) An acronym, which stands for "Greenfield's Observations, Inventions, Brainstorms & Experiments Room." Also known as my basement.

It’s been said that everyone has at least one great idea. Not to brag, but I’ve had like seven so far. But this isn’t the venue to get into fingerprint identification undergarments. Instead, I’d like the share a few ideas I whipped up in the ol’ GOIBER in honor of the big showdown this weekend with the Bears.

Jay Cutler Interception Slinger
OK, so this is a like an outdoor arcade game shaped in the form of Jay Cutler. Simply load footballs into the chamber on his back and when you’re ready, yell “Hike!” The voice-activated game will begin slinging wobbly, poorly-thrown passes in the vicinity of preset trajectories. Whenever the ball is caught, you’ll hear an actual TV/radio soundbyte of an announcer from one of his career interceptions – over 75 soundbytes in all! On top of that, the Cutler robot will hang his head and cry “real” tears (you need to fill his head with water first).

Lovie Smith Checker Board
Sure, at first glance, there’s nothing odd about this, right? That is until you realize that every other NFL coach has a chess board to his name. Zing!

Oprah Show: Home Team Disadvantage
This would be a reoccurring series about Bears fans who’s hearts have been broken over the years. Figured Oprah is perfect since the show tapes in Chicago. These fans would discuss frustrations with the Bears as well as secret jealousies of Packer fans. Probably the occasional complex with Milwaukee as well.

Chicago Sucks! Toilet Paper
A little crude, perhaps. But just imagine the satisfaction and of wiping your behind with TP embossed with the Bears logo. “That take, b!tches,” you might even say. Talk about a stocking stuffer and I really think a roll of Chicago Sucks! TP offers that little added personal insight for those creepy door-to-door salesmen that come around selling you Vogue subscriptions and then use your bathroom. This will give them something to think about and also lets them know you’re probably not the type of hombre to mess with.

Other ideas are welcome in the comments section…


  1. That picture is priceless beyond words.

    Great post.

  2. Agreed - GIS "bad inventions" sometime - tons of priceless pics. Thanks!

  3. I saw a father and (adult) son duo with these on recently. The old man's had gray hair, I really had no idea they were fake until someone pointed it out, just thought dad and son had same-hair genes.

  4. Robert, This isn't the first time you've "experimented" in the basement. 715 15th Ave. SE

  5. You better speak to a patent attorney quickly, I think your toilet paper idea has some legs.

    Can't you just hear the infomerical guy yelling, "What is better than beating your NFL rival on Sunday? Wiping your a$$ with them every day of the week!"

  6. I got the number of one such lawyer.


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