Friday, December 31, 2010

Ron Paxton: Stylist to the Stars (or at least Jay Cutler)

One thing I still don’t get…no, it’s not how the Bears have won the NFC North. That’s easy.  They played bush league QBs in 50% of their games and then got really lucky in the other 50%.

The thing I can’t figure out is why Jay Cutler’s hair is so terrible.  

Look at that weird pile of follicles.  It’s like a mop crossed with a helmet and then dipped in reddish orange hair dye.

Does he let a drunk 8 year old cut it? That just seems unsafe…not to mention illegal to provide an 8 year old with booze.

Is he nostalgic? Does he go to his childhood barber? Because I can respect honoring the past, even if the Bears don't. (btw -  It wasn't us, but whoever named that photo is a genius.) But is his childhood barber blind? 

Does he have one of the trainers cut it? With tape scissors?

Does he do it himself?

As I pondered these options, I realized I should take the time to honor the hair gods for bestowing Robert and me with magnificently beautiful locks….done.

Okay, back to Jay Cutler’s head of disgrace. It took me awhile to get there, but I figured it out. Cutler is in Chicago, while there is most definitely a number of qualified hair-trimming technicians in the area, there is only one Ron Paxton.

 Okay, Jay, sit there. He’s going to put that thing on your melon.
Yep, Jay Cutler uses the Suck Kut. If there is one thing we all know about Ron Paxton’s Suck Kut, (that actually might be a great nickname for Jay) is that “it sucks, as it cuts.”

It certainly does….resemble the Bears.


  1. Cutler understands the need to shape his own identity. Look at Tom Brady's mangy locks he keeps now. When his hair was short young fans would mistake him for David Beckham. Its a blow to the ego when a bright mind of the future hopes to get the autograph of their hero only to be let down and state..."Tom who." But Tommy gets to go rounds with supper models to make up for it. Yep, Jay is just Jay, no mistake. He sucks enough, I don't think he could handle any more rejection.

  2. This post is proof that you guys are pure class. You took the high road, and I commend it. Lesser men could have REALLY attacked the unanimous 1st Team All-Underbite Team QB. A real jerk would have asked just why the hell Cutler's teeth are suddenly brighter than halogen headlights. A hater would question why, exactly, this terminal loser needs a helmet that comes down so far as to obscure his eyebrows. A rotten SOB would even question how a grown man can repeatedly hang his head and stick his lip out, pouting like a 4-year old who dropped his ice cream cone.

    But not you guys. It's like an honor amongst hairdos thing. And it's beautiful.

  3. Soorjo Alexander William Langobard Oliphant ChuckerbuttyJanuary 3, 2011 at 9:44 AM

    nice new address. I always thought that blogspot sounded like something that required carpet cleaner and some paper towels.


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