Monday, March 29, 2010

Caption Contest

This gem of a snapshot that Franklin sent me tells at least a thousand jokes, most of them probably good. You’ve got McCarthy glued to something in the distance, Ted waist deep in his charts, ESPN/Mel Kiper in the background and the walls plastered with team depth charts.

There’s an ocean of comedic opportunity here. Let’s see what you got. What are Ted and Mike thinking?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Meet Your Neighbor

In an effort to better understand what makes Packer fans tick in our Packer Neighborhood, I have come up with a list of questions that, in my humble opinion, will tell you everything you’ll ever need to know about the people behind the scenes of the numerous and exceptional Packers’ blogs. These are the guys Robert and I read on a daily basis and you should too if you call yourself a fan.

Now up: the one and only Aaron Nagler from over at Cheesehead TV. Robert and I are honored that Aaron was able to take time from his prodigious tweeting, feeding the info-hungry Packer masses with new blog posts, and hob-nobbing with the NFL media-elite at the NFL Draft Combine to answer some questions. Aaron definitely kept up the high standard that Alex and Brian set before him.

1) If you woke up in the middle of the night, and Ted Thompson was standing over your bed watching you sleep, what would you offer him to drink? (that's the polite thing to do) Why? Definitely a Newcastle Brown Ale, because it’s all I’d have in the fridge other than approximately a thousand juice boxes. I’ve been told Ted doesn’t imbibe, but damn it, if he’s going to wake me up in the middle of the night, he’ll take what he’s given.

2) What's your favorite '80s hair band, and how do you relate them to the Packers? (this is relative, you may hate 80's hair bands, but if you had to choose one, who would it be) I do indeed, and did then, hate 80s hair bands. But the obvious answer here is…um…Ratt? Because the Packers make the world go…Round and Round?

3) Which cheddar is beddar: mild, medium, or sharp? Subquestion: How the hell does California think they can make cheese? Sharp by a mile. California thinks it can do a lot of things – and then realizes it has no money and has a faded action star as its Governor. Wisconsin, on the other hand, knows what it does well and sticks to that. Cheese, beer, brats and, of course, Packers football.

4) If John Rambo, in his prime of First Blood Part II, played for the Packers, which position would he play? Is he Pro Bowl material, or just a serviceable player? I’ll take the second part first – not only is he a perennial Pro Bowler, he’s a first Ballot Hall of Famer. Like Bart Starr, he was a nobody until he found someone who believed in him. For Starr it was Vince Lombardi, for Rambo it was Sam Trautman. As for what position he would play – very, very Strong Safety.

5) Ty Webb or Jeffrey Lebowski? I already know the answer to this, so who's your favorite subcharacter: Bunny, Jackie Treehorn, Brandt, Karl Hungus, Woo, Knox Harrington, or Larry Sellers? How do you leave Jesus Quintana off this list? 8 year olds dude. 8 year olds.

6) If you woke up tomorrow and the Packers ceased to exist and no one but you remembered them, how would you convince everyone they are the greatest organization in sports? I would tell them about the last time I ever saw my grandmother, my mother’s mother, Violet Rose Wilson. (Yes, Violet Rose) – I would tell them how the last time we ever had lunch together I learned more about her than I had ever known and all because we talked about the Packers. She told me the most amazing story of going to watch the Packers play back when they were still playing in a farmer’s field. Have you seen the opening scenes of Leatherheads, where George Clooney and the pro teams are playing ball with a bunch of cows watching while the college game is being played in a huge stadium? That was EXACTLY the picture she painted at that lunch. That conversation meant more to me than anything. It happened while I was still in college down in North Carolina, over Thanksgiving break and she had passed by the time Christmas came along. I will never forget how close we were that afternoon. And it never would have happened without the Packers.

7) Don Hutson basically invented the receiver position, what's your favorite invention: the Cheesehead, the truck-bed tailgate, or the Green Bay Sweep? While tailgating is fun and the Sweep is awe-inspiring, I have to go with the Cheesehead here, both for the obvious reason and because a Cheesehead once saved a man’s life in a plane crash. True story.

I added a few more questions since I feel that inquiring minds would want to know these things:

8) Corey seems to be a shadowy figure that appears during Cheesehead Nation broadcasts and then retreats to his lair, if you could compare the two of you to a Superhero duo, who would it be and why? Well, there’s nothing SuperHeroish about us. Not even remotely. I think we’re probably closer to Vladimir and Estragon. Only instead of waiting for a title character that never shows, we’re waiting hopelessly for the NFL Network to give us a ton of money to do our show.

9) Say the internet died tomorrow, I'm talking a gruesome, bloody death. What would you do with your spare time? (I think you may have a lot of it. Lol) Lol? Who are you, Nick Barnett? I’d probably get a lot more done.

10) Lombardi. You have expressed your and Corey's desire to be in the film, and seeing as how you made it to the NFL Combine, I have faith that you somehow will be. However, the only spot left in the film is playing a schlub being drilled by Ray Nitschke (who I personally think should be played by a bulked up Timothy Olyphant. Thoughts?). However, the take isn't going right, and it has to be done over and over and over and over... You don't get a stuntman, extra, how many hits could you take? First off, love the Olyphant idea. (Anything to get him out of a damn cowboy hat. Justified? Really?) As for the role and number of hits – Over/under is set at 2. I’ll let the readers take what they will.

11) Last but not least, other than Tim Tebow, what's the oddest thing you saw at the NFL combine? John Clayton's hair.

Fantastic answers, all of them. I would be completely and utterly convinced of the greatness of the Packers after hearing about the afternoon with your Grandmother. Great, and touching story.

Do you think Godot will ever show up? The waiting is the hardest part.

In my defense, Aaron, nobody f%&*s with the Jesus, and I always thought John Turturro turned him into a major character. But, yes, 8 year-olds, Dude.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

G-Men Origins: The Green & Gold Surfer

Born Aaronoldius Rodgers in the idyllic planet California, the Surfer possesses a surplus of gifts that combine otherworldly strength, stamima and accuracy, whether firing leather lasers or scampering about like the boys. His profound accuracy was later discovered to originate from his mental bond to the pigskin, which moves in response to his mental commands, which are vast and fast, much like the women of his home planet.

The Green & Gold Surfer originally made a promise with SilverHair to lead the G-Men after Greybeard’s inevitable exodus. He spent years in a purgartory-like state, biding his time and secretly honing the skills that would eventually dominate the Norse Galaxy.

Despite fears his natural armor would be easily exposed, the Surfer has shown the ability to absorb energy blows, even when his protective shield was acting more like Swiss Cheese (not mentioning any G-Men names though… Barbre Shop). He also displays keen senses of detecting foul beings of mostly purple and blue shades.

The Surfer does not sleep and is known for maintaining a Zen-like balance. He can survive and thrive in almost any environment, whether sub-zero tundra or black holes. The G-Men proved wise in agreeing to terms with the Surfer that would allow him to lead the team for years to come.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Mark Murphy, You're Our Only Hope

The interweb was abuzz this week, at least the small corner related to the Packers. Legendary actor, Robert DeNiro, star of Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter, and The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, will play legendary coach Vince Lombardi. Awesome. Seems like a good fit to me.

Following up on this, Packers President, Mark Murphy, indicated he had been in contact with the filmmakers and there was some talk of filming in Green Bay, a no-brainer if you ask me, and also….drum-roll please…holding the premiere at Lambeau Field. (Thanks, Brian)

I’ve only been to two film premieres in my life. One, on accident, was for Any Given Sunday in London. After a few too many pints down the pub, I stumbled into a crowd of people and just stood there for awhile, nothing draws a crowd, like a crowd as it were. To my enjoyment, I saw Cameron Diaz (yes, she is in fact hot), but soon got bored with the hoopla and left. The other premiere was for this (doyourself a favor and scroll down to the "Recommendations" section) Anyway, I watched the filming of Twister’s Revenge during the summer of 1987 while I was camping at Council Grounds State Park just outside of Merrill, Wisconsin. The film (term loosely used here) was shot in Merrill and nearby Gleason, and had a small premiere at Merrill’s Cosmo Theatre. The cast pulled up in the monster truck, Mister Twister…. did I forget to mention how glitzy and glamorous all of this was? The premiere was truly special indeed, and it harkened back to simpler time in moviemaking, back when product placement and cross-marketing didn’t drive scripts.

Getting back to Murphy’s comment about the premiere at Lambeau. Having been to a film premiere like Twister’s Revenge, I can tell you a premiere at Lambeau would be highly entertaining for both the film’s cast and crew, as well as Packer fans. Now, I’m not talking about a premiere with red carpet, paparazzi, Louis Vuitton, and champagne. I’m more of the opinion that this premiere should be tailgating, Packer fans, jerseys and a fedora or two, and Leinenkugel’s. Now, maybe Murphy and the filmmakers meant a small premiere consisting of VIPs, but I implore you, Mr. Murphy open this up to the people that made the Packers: the fans.
I want to be at Lambeau and watch this movie with a packed stadium. I want to cheer on Lombardi, Starr, Hornung, and Kramer, and get chills with other Packer fans hearing stuff like this: “There is no room for second place. There is only one place in my game and that is first place. I have finished second twice in my time at Green Bay, and I never want to finish second again” and this classic. Let's be honest, a movie is always better when you see it in a full theatre, what could be better than a full stadium?

Mark Murphy, please make this happen, or Mister Twister may become angry, and you won’t like him when he’s angry. Trust me, I’ve seen his revenge.

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Kinter – Too Much Too Ask?

Last season, I had the privilege of introducing a not-too-shabby sheila from Shiocton to the game of football. She came from a family of huge NASCAR fans and had always watched the NFL/Packers with little more than a casual interest.

However, she was more than willing to listen to me explain the rules and nuances of the game over a few Leinies one MNF. Of course I started from the very beginning (a very good place to start). Soon, she was firing zingers left and right. They were the kind of zingers that can keep a man up at night, lost in thought, frustration and sometimes revelation.

She asked me, “Why is it called football? I’ve always wondered that. I mean, if you think about it, they use their hands way more than their feet. It should really be called handball.” Wow. That was a really really good point. I honestly had never thought about that before. “It’s tradition,” I responded firmly, trying my best to sound like I knew what I was talking about.

Later, as I was outlining special teams coverage, she pointed out that the punter was different from the field goal kicker. “So there’s two guys on the team and all they do is kick the ball? That’s kind of weird. Why can’t just one guy do both?” she asked. “No, no, no.” I scoffed. “They’re specialists. Trained for a specific job, you see. It’s complicated.” “Whatever, that’s dumb,” she replied.

But as I laughed her “ridiculous” question, a shiny revelation came to light – she was absolutely right. Why can’t one guy handle all the kicking duties? Simply combine the kicker and punter positions into one: the Kinter. why hasn’t this been thought of before? It’s probably the most logical evolution since Red Bull/Vodka.

Seriously, if you’re a kicking specialist; as in all you do is kick footballs, what’s the problem? You’ve obviously got the leg strength and have proven you can place your foot where you want on the ball. It’s still special teams. For adding just one natural extension of your abilities, you could make yourself that much more valuable to your team. Hell, you’d probably get paid twice as much! You’d open a roster spot. And best of all, you’d be an innovator; the guy who finally stood up and said, “Wait a minute. I’m pretty sure this is dumb. Yep, this is stupid.”
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