Friday, April 30, 2010

Hmmm....Can I Ask You Something?

Every now and again, I find a portion of Packers.com that I haven’t visited before. Yesterday it was the FAQ section. Admitting I don’t know something is not a strength of mine, so I never had a need to click on this page. Boredom led me here late last night after watching the Brian Bulaga press conference 4 times (I love this guy). Now, most of these questions I understand, but the “Does the Packers Organization take phone calls regarding fantasy football?” is ridiculous. I hate to tell you this, but if you need help from a pro team about fantasy football, you’ve already lost your league…plus, the Packers have more important things to deal with than The Chmura Pool Cleaner’s start or sit questions. Also, the answer to the cheerleader question which points to “fan indifference” as the reason for no Packers cheerleaders, is a flat out lie. I love cheerleaders.

I’d like to take this time to submit some questions I have (I guess I don’t know everything) that I am flat-out positive other die-hard Packer fans have too.
  1. How does Lambeau Field and the surrounding environs not implode under the sheer magnitude of its own awesomeness? (This would likely need a physicist to answer, but I’m sure Stephen Hawking is a Packer fan, he’s a pretty smart guy.)
  2. I was unable to find a pair of green and gold, corduroy slacks at the Packers Pro Shop. Are they on back order? How do I get on the waiting list?
  3. How the hell did the greatest special teams player in the history of mankind get released? (You know who)
  4. How many Leinie’s are sold during each game at Lambeau Field? Brats?
  5. When I die, can my ashes be spread on the Visitors’ sideline, so I can feel the fear and sense of futility permeating the Packers opponents for all of eternity?
  6. What is the status of my job application?
  7. Bill Miller’s title for the Packers is Plumber/Beverage Systems Technician…ummm…WHAT?!?!
  8. I have a good friend who has his single-engine pilot’s license, how do we apply to be an aircraft involved in a pre-game flyover?
  9. On more than a few occasions, I have seen opposing fans at Lambeau during the games. While I am more than willing to let these misguided individuals study the greatness of the Packers at the Packers Hall of Fame, is there a way to step up security so that these asshats aren’t allowed inside the hallowed halls of Lambeau?
I’m sure you all have questions too. Please feel free to add any questions you may have for the Packers in the comment section, and I will forward them on to the Packers FAQ Department…wait, how do I that?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Pick Him

Green Bay Packers
Human Resources
1265 Lombardi Ave
Green Bay, WI 54307

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my enthusiastic recommendation for Franklin Hillside to be the first-ever Packers Draft Room Hydration and Sustenance Specialist.

Outside of Leinenkugels, hyperbole and the classic movie Willow, I rarely make such passionate endorsements. But Franklin is the exception. He is knowledgeable, considerate and quick on his feet. So fleet are his feet in fact, that he could make a strong case for special teams. (With the sometimes noticeable absence of Tracy White, please keep that in mind.)

Equal parts Grill Master and Master Bartender, Franklin’s expertise is only limited by the imagination. I once saw him roll a string of sausages using only his feet while mixing Mojitos in one hand and resuscitating an albino squirrel in the other. Keep in mind this is all while he was blackout drunk off Everclear and Mad Dog 20/20! Obviously, the man knows how to party, and just as importantly, be productive. Just imagine what he can accomplish sober!

I know what you’re thinking – that there must be a catch. You’re thinking this guy’s either insanely expensive or just mentally unstable, likely to get caught selling Jolly’s jock strap on ebay or start tickling Ted mid-pick or something. These are legitimate concerns and I will answer them in order. 1) Franklin will work for free or close to it and 2) he has not been committed yet to my knowledge (joking, but seriously). To sum it up, Franklin Hillside as your Draft Room Hydration and Sustenance Specialist is an idea so crazy it just might work.

Feel free to contact me for anything further. Just not Tuesdays. And never before 10 am. Weekends are 50/50. Any other time should work.

Regards,

Robert Greenfield

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Pick me! Pick me!

Green Bay Packers
Human Resources
1265 Lombardi Ave
Green Bay, WI 54307


To Whom It May Concern:

This past week I have come to the realization that regardless of the obnoxious format of this year’s NFL Draft, I have become overly excited for the event. I fought this enthusiasm with every fiber of my being, but it was inevitable. My desire to be a part of the Draft in some fashion has prompted much contemplation on my part. This brainstorming has brought me to the conclusion that I would like to work for the Packers during draft weekend.

As such, I am writing to express my interest in a temporary position with the Green Bay Packers. I feel that I am excellent candidate for Green Bay Packers Draft Room Hydration and Sustenance Specialist I. I understand that this is not currently a position that exists with the Green Bay Packers, but I feel strongly that it both should be created, and that I would be the best suited candidate.

The hours spent pouring over draft charts, 40 times, and character notes may not be physically draining, but it is most certainly a mental drain. The best way to combat this is proper hydration and a balanced meal of grilled meats, baked beans, and a steady supply of beef or turkey jerky. Also, for those not intimately involved, drowsiness is a very real concern which can be combated by either a strong cup of coffee or a 32 oz. vodka-Red Bull, depending on Mr. McCarthy’s preferences (I have noticed he seems uninterested in the draft process)

I have extensive experience pouring libations both for myself and others. I do not mean to sound boastful, but I am able to perform this task pretty much non-stop for hours on end, which is exactly how long the draft lasts. I am unsure of how Mr. Thompson prefers his brats prepared, but I have numerous methods and am very flexible in that regard.

Currently, I work in a library, so rest assured that I understand the value of being silent. I will not attempt to interact with other Packers’ staff members unless specifically addressed by one. However, I must also point out my extensive fantasy football drafting prowess, so in the unlikely event that Mr. Thompson cannot decide between two future Packers, I am suited to provide a high level of input.

I understand the timeline is too short to be a part of the Packers’ Draft Team this year, but I look forward to hearing from you and beginning in 2011.

Sincerely,


Franklin Hillside


References available upon request

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Eat More Lightning. Crap More Thunder.

Occasional Thought: If someone told me Michael Bay randomly decided his next remake would be Rocky starring Shia LaBeouf, I would be devastated. But then I would laugh after learning the movie is really about Rocky the Robot Truck, which Shia is voicing, and not Rocky the greatest boxing/underdog movie series the world will ever know.

Not long ago, Franklin and his ladyfriend came to a pivotal, potential game-changing moment in their relationship. They were about to donate some gently used items to their local thrift store. As they were strapping boxes to his hog, Franklin noticed a stack of records and among them, the Rocky IV soundtrack. Obviously, he had not packed that particular box.

Now, at mere the sight of such an atrocity, some men in Franklin’s shoes probably would’ve gone ballistic in the parking lot, causing a scene so wild and furious the neighbors would’ve been streaming the event live to the Youtubes under the title “crazy neighbors!! wtf!!” Not Franklin. After cracking two Spotted Cows, he sat down and had a long heart-to-heart, explaining that this wasn’t just the greatest soundtrack of all time, it was symbolic of a man – a man who had nothing in this cruel world but heart – a heart so strong it was only surpassed by his courage – courage to defy enormous odds – odds stacked up so high you’d need an elevator. But this man didn’t have a magic elevator. Just some turtles. But that’s beside the point, which is that the man in question wasn’t a man at all – that man was AMERICA!

I can only assume a very sincere apology and epic make-out session took place afterwards. I couldn’t tell you because after Franklin said “America” something inside me clicked and I just started running through the streets humming the choruses of those lengendary tracks (…There’s no easy way out…BOM-BOM. There’s no short-cut ho-ome!... BOM-BOM!…), shadow punching, dipping and dodging along the way.

Being the smallest market in the NFL but with a fiercely loyal fan base, (Green Bay and) the Packers will always have some ol’ Rock in them. (That’s despite what Philly may argue.) Our progress from nobody underdogs to champion over the last 20 years speaks to this. However, we seem to be somewhat stuck in a holding pattern of having mostly very good teams that, for whatever reason, don’t take it to the next and highest level. In other words, we’re like the well-groomed Rocky with the money, the mansion and the badass robot Paulie wants to nail. Our team is downright sexy – like Cindy Crawford circa 1990 wearing nothing but a string cheese bikini. Who’s hungry? WOOF!

Trading passion for glory and losing the dreams on the past and basically everything else that Survivor says can happen. Not saying it has, but it can. I have full faith that we have the talent and personnel to get this done – I think most people are in the same Trans Am. But a little more fight in the dog; a little more us against the world mentality never hurt. In fact, it can bring world peace. I’ve seen it.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I'm Always Home. I'm Uncool.

I'll be completely honest and forthright with you all right now, I hate draft hype. I think it's 90% B.S. and 10% advertising revenue. Well, that was probably the old ratio, now with the brain-trust down at NFL Headquarters stretching the draft out this year, it's probably more like 80-20, but people can come up with statistics to prove anything, 14% of all people know that.

The so-called experts proclaim to know who's going when, what teams need what, who they're going to draft, and whether the GM wears boxers or briefs. This is a house of lies! Then you take the Packers, and the so-called experts who already know nothing, know even less. It would take Professor Charles Xavier to actually know what Ted's going to do with each of his picks, and that's only if he ripped it from Ted's mind. Thompson will take a draft prediction and destroy it before you can say, "trade-down".  From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it. That's all I'm interested in..... But hey, mock drafts drive traffic right?  Ha! You bet they do.

So now you think I'm going to do a Packers' mock draft don't you?  Nope, not even close, so move along if that's what you're after. Because mock drafts aren't cool, and regardless if the only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone when you're uncool, I refuse to stoop to doing a mock draft. 1) Because I'd have a better chance hitting the jackpot at Oneida Casino than accurately predicting who the Packers will take and 2) I've already found the sure-fire means for figuring out the future of the Packers:

Listen to THIS with a candle burning and you'll see the Packers entire future.


As good friend of the Ranter, D the Dragon, said the other day: "ESPN? Mel Kiper? He's a drunken buffoon posing as a poet.  Give me The Packer Ranter. They got the courage to be drunken buffoons, which makes them poetic."

So.....who goes at 23?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Mild Jackassery

Occasional Thought: One time I saw Dustin Diamond at a Walmart in West Bend. He noticed me gawking and said, “Hey what’s up man” as he walked by. I realized then and there he should’ve played Zach Morris. What a cool dude.

In a rare deviation from football, I recently attended the first round of the NCAA tournament in Milwaukee with some beanbag-tossing cohorts. The first thing everybody pointed out was that the Bradley Center wasn’t serving alcohol. We all had done our homework. So we pooled some money and went on a fast and furious booze run, clearing out the liquor store’s selection of airplane bottles minus the gin.

Getting through security at the game was a breeze thanks in part to our good friend, Dingleberry. His ingenious plan of duct-taping the bottles to his leg and then wrapping bunch of Ace bandages over it and limping in as if he got hit by a car totally worked. Once in, we maneuvered through the crowd to the nearest bathroom where we unwrapped Dingleberry and divvied up the goods. I ended up with ten Jagermeisters, seven Absolute Citrons, some Jameson and a Sex on the Beach (nice!) for the day. I was set.

Unfortunately, it was probably the most boring first round in the entire tournament but the group was content to enjoy ourselves with some outrageous banter, numerous bets and the occasional nudie pic courtesy of Woody and his fancy iPhone. As the empty bottles piled up, we got louder and more obnoxious (shocking). Then, as we were discussing the cheerleaders at the concession area, Dingleberry interjects, “There’s AJ Hawk!”

Sure enough, #50 and his unmistakable medieval warrior hair walked right by us. My whole world turned upside down. It was the last place I would think to see a Packer. But then again, his alma mater Ohio State was playing. Of course!

“AJ!!” I blasted. He looked and I froze. “Um…2010! Best…year…EVER!” He continued walking without a reaction.

I immediately came to the realization I was Drunk Fan. You know, the one who screams whatever comes to mind because the alcohol had dissolved the verbal filter he once had. I felt especially bad doing this to one of the Packers. Any other team/player, fine. But not one of our own. When the players talk about Green Bay and living in Wisconsin, it’s not uncommon for them to mention that community all knows who they are but let them go about their business without making a deal out of their celebrity. No one else among the hundred crowded in the concession area bothered Hawk. Just me.

Woody then noted he heard Rodgers was in the building, too.

WHERE??!!” I demanded to know. Surely I could’ve prepared something better for him.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Don't Be Hasty

Two wise men once said, "What an absolutely beautiful day. Warm sun, beautiful women..." "and the air is just right for drinking."

Not only is the air just right for drinking, it's also just right for prepping your yard for the summer. The unseasonably warm weather is most welcome, and it allows for a everyone to get a jump-start on their raking, pruning, planting, and general mucking about in their yards. I tend to maintain a modest yard with a classic landscaping look. In other words, I stay away from the sculptures, the Trans Am up on blocks, and the fountains. However, I was feeling a little bolder this year, and thought I would show off my Packer pride. Living in Minnesota, my only logical move was to visit the Packers Pro Shop.

I've never really found a Packer product that I didn't like (Other than last year's special teams. Boom!), but then I found this. My only reaction: Is this a joke? Look, I get being tacky ironically; I love Zubaz, but this is absurd.

"Add some character to your trees!" Ummm... it's a tree, it has character because it's a tree. Adding a pedophile face to it is not giving it character, it's torturing it. The last time someone tortured a tree like this, he got his ass kicked by Treebeard and the rest of Fangorn Forest. Not only does it looking like a peeping Tom, it looks like a peeping Tom with terrible taste in headwear. Would you like to wake up in the morning and have this tree-man staring you in the face while you sip your coffee? Me neither.

Do yourself a favor and get this little guy. "Sure to be a conversation starter..." Conversation starter, indeed.

"Hey, that's a Packer gnome."
"Yep."
"You want another beer?"
"Yep."

On second thought, maybe I'll just plant a shrub.
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