Friday, December 31, 2010

Ron Paxton: Stylist to the Stars (or at least Jay Cutler)

One thing I still don’t get…no, it’s not how the Bears have won the NFC North. That’s easy.  They played bush league QBs in 50% of their games and then got really lucky in the other 50%.

The thing I can’t figure out is why Jay Cutler’s hair is so terrible.  


Look at that weird pile of follicles.  It’s like a mop crossed with a helmet and then dipped in reddish orange hair dye.

Does he let a drunk 8 year old cut it? That just seems unsafe…not to mention illegal to provide an 8 year old with booze.

Is he nostalgic? Does he go to his childhood barber? Because I can respect honoring the past, even if the Bears don't. (btw -  It wasn't us, but whoever named that photo is a genius.) But is his childhood barber blind? 

Does he have one of the trainers cut it? With tape scissors?

Does he do it himself?

As I pondered these options, I realized I should take the time to honor the hair gods for bestowing Robert and me with magnificently beautiful locks….done.

Okay, back to Jay Cutler’s head of disgrace. It took me awhile to get there, but I figured it out. Cutler is in Chicago, while there is most definitely a number of qualified hair-trimming technicians in the area, there is only one Ron Paxton.

 Okay, Jay, sit there. He’s going to put that thing on your melon.
  
Yep, Jay Cutler uses the Suck Kut. If there is one thing we all know about Ron Paxton’s Suck Kut, (that actually might be a great nickname for Jay) is that “it sucks, as it cuts.”

It certainly does….resemble the Bears.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

From My Goiber to Yours

GOIBER (n.) An acronym, which stands for "Greenfield's Observations, Inventions, Brainstorms & Experiments Room." Also known as my basement.

It’s been said that everyone has at least one great idea. Not to brag, but I’ve had like seven so far. But this isn’t the venue to get into fingerprint identification undergarments. Instead, I’d like the share a few ideas I whipped up in the ol’ GOIBER in honor of the big showdown this weekend with the Bears.

Jay Cutler Interception Slinger
OK, so this is a like an outdoor arcade game shaped in the form of Jay Cutler. Simply load footballs into the chamber on his back and when you’re ready, yell “Hike!” The voice-activated game will begin slinging wobbly, poorly-thrown passes in the vicinity of preset trajectories. Whenever the ball is caught, you’ll hear an actual TV/radio soundbyte of an announcer from one of his career interceptions – over 75 soundbytes in all! On top of that, the Cutler robot will hang his head and cry “real” tears (you need to fill his head with water first).

Lovie Smith Checker Board
Sure, at first glance, there’s nothing odd about this, right? That is until you realize that every other NFL coach has a chess board to his name. Zing!

Oprah Show: Home Team Disadvantage
This would be a reoccurring series about Bears fans who’s hearts have been broken over the years. Figured Oprah is perfect since the show tapes in Chicago. These fans would discuss frustrations with the Bears as well as secret jealousies of Packer fans. Probably the occasional complex with Milwaukee as well.

Chicago Sucks! Toilet Paper
A little crude, perhaps. But just imagine the satisfaction and of wiping your behind with TP embossed with the Bears logo. “That take, b!tches,” you might even say. Talk about a stocking stuffer and I really think a roll of Chicago Sucks! TP offers that little added personal insight for those creepy door-to-door salesmen that come around selling you Vogue subscriptions and then use your bathroom. This will give them something to think about and also lets them know you’re probably not the type of hombre to mess with.

Other ideas are welcome in the comments section…

Friday, December 24, 2010

Monday, December 20, 2010

Vikings/Bears First Half Running Diary

I'm bored, so I figured I'd do a little running diary of the Vikings/Bears game. FYI - The only reason I'm watching this giant, frozen crap-fest is that it's important to the Packers.

7:35 - Man, I hate these two teams...we'll see how long this lasts as there is a South Park Christmas marathon on Comedy Central. Jay Cutler has always reminded me of Cartman.

7:40 - Would a tie help the Packers? I really don't want either team to win.

7:41 - Vikings fans wear some stupid outfits. Eric the Red would not be pleased.

7:42 - Jaws: "Brett Favre, the ultimate warrior." Ummm...no, there was only one Ultimate Warrior..actually maybe there was two.

7:46 - Percy Harvin TD. The. Bears. Still Suck.

7:50 - How long before Gruden says, "These teams don't like each other."?

7:51 - Text from Viking fan buddy: So. Much. Fun. Favre.

8:00 - So Favre's a "wily, old veteran" and "like a 23 year-old"? I'm so confused right now. Make it stop.

8:01 - Favre's healthy. He threw an INT. And I win an online sports betting wager.

8:04 - I wish Toby Gerhart would have blown Julius Peppers up on that interception. Make yourself useful, Tobias.

8:10 - It's like the Vikings are playing the Vikings, they aren't even mentioning the Bears.

8:14 - Bomb to Johnny Knox. Ugh. Double-Ugh.

8:17 - Toby Gerhart is a poor man's John Kuhn....like Bob Cratchit poor.

End of First Quarter

8:22 - Chris Harris just blew up Bob Cratchit. Tiny Tim might have felt that hit.

8:27 - Jay Cutler looks miserable. Then again, doesn't he always have that look on his face? I guess he can't be that miserable, he got away with a blatant intentional grounding.

8:31 - Is there any player in the history of football that Jon Gruden didn't love?....other than Keyshawn Johnson. Now there are coworkers, I wonder how awkward those staff meetings are.

8:32 - Favre got LIT. UP. Joe Webb, strap up. Side note: Bryant McKinnie is terrible.

8:39 - There is nothing to like about the Chicago Bears. I'm trying to think of something...anything...nope, nothing.

8:40 - Favre's return "Doubtful" We know that doesn't mean anything.

8:42 - Thanks a lot, Vikings. You could have at least pretended to show up. 17-7. Game over.

8:47 - The Vikings should start running the option, it might not work, but it'd be fun to watch.

8:48 - Gruden: "He doesn't know anything." I'm beginning to think you have a lot in common, Jon.

8:51 - This game is terrible...let's see what else is on...hmmmm...Bad Santa? (Link contains fairly un-Christmaslike language. Sorry, Grandma) "You want me to make you some sandwiches, Santa?"

8:55 - The Vikings have fallen really, really, really, extremely, drastically far in a short amount of time.

8:56 - Two minute warning. Two minutes until I go find something more worthwhile to do like....well, like anything else.

8:58 - How the hell do the Bears not know that offsetting penalties negate the play?!? Morons....and Jay Cutler pulls out his magic. I love watching him throw interceptions. They really are a thing of beauty. Seriously, that was a perfect throw to Asher Allen.

9:07 - It's a Christmas Miracle. HALFTIME.

9:16 - I don't think I would buy a Dodge Caravan from Dexter Morgan...on the other hand it might be the safe thing to do to stay off his radar....and I'm off to shovel. Night everyone.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Holding Out for a Hero (The Matt Flynn Tribute)

Where has our quarterback gone
With the season on the line?
Who's the unknown champion
To keep playoff hopes alive?

Will you be our white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night we toss and we turn and we dream of what we need

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)
We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight
WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)
We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

Sometime after 7 pm
Sunday on NBC
I’ll be reaching toward my big screen
To give you the courage that you need

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It’s gonna take a superman to beat BELICHEAT

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)!
We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight
WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)
We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)
We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

Up on the coast somewhere in the East
Where the ocean is somewhat blue
Lombardi will be up there above
Watching over you
Through the wind and the chill and the snow
And the New England crud
Let them feel your approach
With a fire in your blood!

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)
We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight
WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)
We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Roary? And You Wonder Why You Fail....


"Hello, my name is Roary. Like all Lions, I have zero football talent whatsoever, but I do have a beautiful head of hair that demands respect in Detroit."

Well, at least he's respected in Detroit....but then again, does that really count for anything?

Monday, December 6, 2010

TurboDumps

I go to one game a year. I wish it were more at times, but I am thankful to get to Lambeau at least once. As if the gratuitous tweeting didn’t already indicate this, Sunday was my game. The seats come via an aunt, who owns season tickets. Like me, she only goes to one game and then sells the rest at face value (very classy). They are also excellent seats – almost eye level with the players, near the opposing bench and within spitting distance of the area where the kicker/punter warm up. On top of the close action, it makes for very intriguing player watching.

A couple of years ago Franklin and I witnessed the Packers blast the Colts in one of the best games of that season. But what I remember most about that day is Marvin Harrison sitting at the very end of the bench near the kickers. No big deal, right? Except that he completely alone, away from the other players, by himself. Quiet and observant. Never talking to anyone the entire game – just like this and this. To be honest, I couldn’t stop watching. On one hand, he might have simply been focused on the game, but to me, he just looked awkward and anti-social. Apparently he was like that in the locker room, too. Again, who knows the reasons for his behavior; all I know is that I couldn’t look away and it offered some unique insight of a player that I might not have seen on T.V.

Sunday I witnessed another player who caught my eye due to some unusual behavior – that of recently acquired 49er kicker Jeff Reed. Look that guy up sometime. Here is one of the most accurate kickers of all time with two rings. If you were a Super Bowl betting person, he would’ve been your guy. But this is not your run of the mill kicker. News outlets have labeled Reed as “quirky” and “eccentric.” Those terms are kind. I Google image-searched him and there are dozens of pictures of him with bleach-blonde wild clown hair looking like he was on spring break in Tijuana. I guess it’s not surprising he has had his share of off-the-field incidents, which probably led him to be released by the Steelers recently. Seriously though, take a look at this guy.

Sunday we saw Reed and at first glance of him in person, you can’t help but notice the size of the guy’s thighs – they are massive. According to his profile, he is 5’11 and 225 pounds. Sure, maybe his rookie year. Each of his legs has to be over 100 pounds – they are that huge. So big in fact that a rather big-boned lady in a tarp next to us cackled, “He’s got more cellulite than I do!” Classic. After gawking a little more at the massivicity (that’s a word, right?) of his bottom half, we nicknamed him “TurboDumps.” Because we’re immature and “ThunderThighs” would’ve been too obvious.

But this alone was not what made seeing TurboDumps so memorable – it was the fact he couldn’t solve the configuration of his jock strap for three hours. On numerous occasions, TurboDumps had his hands jammed down his pants (front and back – mostly back), furiously tugging and twisting and adjusting that of his undergarment puzzle. It was both shocking and hilarious and it went on all game about twenty feet from the lower level of section 125 in plain view. There were times when it appeared ol' TurboDumps had arranged things to his liking, but before you could say, “Yahtzee!” he dove right back into the complicated abyss. It even got to a point where I guess he decided he could no longer fly blind – TurboDumps literally pulled out the front of his pants and looked down at “the situation”. At this juncture, I pleaded, “Come on, man! There’s kids here!” (Tarp lady loved that.)

I wish there were a happy ending to this story, but the truth is, I have no idea if he ever successfully negotiated the mechanism. But he did make all his kicks. Maybe there was some method to his madness, after all.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

1929: A Year to Remember

This Sunday the Packers will trot out their 1929 throwback uniforms, and I, for one, am incredibly excited. The 1929 jerseys will be worn to commemorate the franchise's first championship season. Seems like a good enough reason to me. By the way, any talk of jerseys always sends me running to The Green Bay Packers Uniform Database. "90 years of looking good while playing well" HELL. YEAH. Important tip: set aside some time to get lost in the awesomeness, and the blog is a must-read too.

After staring at the beautiful navy, yellow, and tan for longer than I care to admit, I realized that other than the stock market crash putting a screeching halt to the Roaring '20's, I didn't know much about the year 1929. So, I decided to hop in the hot tub, and check it out. Actually, I just headed over to the lazy man's World Book and took a look. Yes, yes, I know that I work in a library with countless volumes of historic information, but 1) plumbers don't like to play in their own toilets when they are done for the day and 2) LAZY.

So according to this venerable internet historian some really fascinating things happened in 1929...you know, other than the Packers first championship):

  • Canadian women were invented: If you've ever known any Canadian dames (in the parlance of the times), this is a fantastic thing.
  • A German airship flew around the world in 21 days: Up yours, Jules Verne.
  • On December 3rd, Herbert Hoover announced that Americans had regained faith in the American economy: I've heard a couple presidents say that recently, the more things change...
  • Popeye the Sailor Man first appeared: Spinach shortages worldwide were reported.
  • That mustached bastard Stalin booted out Leon Trotsky: Soviet Collectivism was born. "I'll trade you one Lenin rookie card, for three Great Breakthrough cards" Not that kind of collectivism? Oh.
Perhaps the greatest of all events that occurred in 1929, other than Bob Newhart being born of course, is the first demonstration of the COLOR TV! That's right, H.E. Ives broadcast color images between New York and Washington. The rest, as they say is history, and Sunday afternoons have never been the same...well, maybe it took a few years for Sundays to change, but you get my point.

Therefore, to me at least, Sunday's throwback jersey will not only commemorate the first Packers championship, but also the beauty and glory that is the color TV. The color TV that allows me to watch the Packers in green and gold.

....of course it won't really matter, since Robert and I will be at the game watching in living color. So Sunday, enjoy your color TVs, and be glad you're seeing navy, yellow, and brown and not shades of black and white.
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