Sunday, January 9, 2011

On Fingernail Clippers.

I've come to know a few hard and fast rules in this world, usually through extensive trial-and-error. 1) You should find your favorite pickle brand/type/flavor and always have a jar on hand 2) When you most need a Packer fan to commiserate with, you will always find one 3) You never get rid of fingernail clippers. There are many more rules I've come to know; ask me about them sometime, and I'll share, but it's the third of "Franklin's Rules for Maintaining a Happy and Healthy Existence" that I want to focus on. Yes, I realize that fingernail clippers are not really things that are discussed in public forums mainly due to the fact that the inevitable flying fingernail clippings resulting from their use are considered to be somewhat gross. Point taken, but bear with me.

Fingernail clippers are an often overlooked, under-considered tool. They are usually taken for granted and tossed willy-nilly in bathroom drawers or medicine cabinets, requiring digging and angry slamming of drawers and cabinet doors to be found. Be honest, you don't think about fingernail clippers...that is, until you don't have a set readily at hand.

Having multiple sets of fingernail clippers placed at strategic locations should be a goal of all people who like to be prepared. When making a purchase of new clippers, the old pairs should never be carelessly discarded. You will soon find out that even though you have a pair of shiny new clippers, the old clippers will invariably be needed. If you abandon your old pairs, you will soon recognize that the new pair were superior in some task than the newer model. Maybe they get the flat part of the nail better, or the corner part of the nail. Maybe they are better-suited at getting rid of painful hangnails. Perhaps they were perfect for cutting off rouge strings from clothing. Point is, they have use. Also, what happens if your brand-spanking-new clippers breaks on the first pressure placed on the lever? You NEED to have backups.

Personally, I own 4 fingernail clippers. Some older, some newer, some more expensive, but all have use. One of these I just purchased this week (at a relative bargain, I might add). Now, did I get rid of my older clippers? Hell no. I kept them around for the reasons listed above. I tossed one in my tackle box to cut fishing line, one in the junk drawer for who knows what. I'll wait and see how these two work out in these roles, but regardless, it's nice to know they're still around. I kept the new model and the expensive one in my medicine cabinet as they have been performing at a high level for me. It's not like my clippers take up a huge amount of space, so I would need to foolishly toss them away. Nope, I understand the value of having a number of them around. Nowhere on the packaging did it say, "You cannot have multiple clippers. Please get rid of other clippers before removing item from this package."

After having read this, I hope you consider how valuable a plethora of fingernail clippers can be the next time you are in need of a trim, or a quick snip of a thread, or even a clip of your 8 lb. test.

Okay, after that weird PSA, back to the task at hand...destroy the Eagles!

Oh, dang! One more thing I almost forgot to mention: congrats to Desmond Bishop on his new contract extension....


  1. Yeah, but how do you feel about the heavy-hitters? (toenail clippers)

  2. Soorjo Alexander William Langobard Oliphant ChuckerbuttyJanuary 10, 2011 at 1:48 AM

    Additional note: In no way should nail scissors be thought of as similar to clippers.
    I don't care if you are built like Clay Matthews and can do a thousand consecutive no-arm-burpy-pullup-pistol-lunges, if you use nail scissors your estrogen levels are too high.

  3. Robert, I feel the same about them, keep 'em around. Maybe you do not need as many, but you need the big beef up front to complement the fingernail clippers.

  4. you ever get a cheap, shitty pair where the jaws don't exactly line up, and it kinds of CHEWS your nail off with a tapered end? it makes you feel all icky for a couple days until they wear normally.


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