Thursday, March 31, 2011

Top 10 from '10-'11

Recently the Packers picked the top 10 moments from the 2011 season. Robert and I thought we’d do the same, with a more personal view of the top 10 moments. Without further adieu, The Packer Ranter Top 10 moments of the 2011 season:

Robert's Top 5

5) The smackoff beatdowns against a Vikings blog. Franklin and I each took a turn going toe-to-toe with Vikings Gab (“Gab” – really?) in some trash talking and posted the exchanges. In both instances, the Ranter CLEARLY won and to be honest, it wasn’t even close (here’s the first, and the second). We were actually kind of surprised how unfunny, uncreative and derivative the Vikings blogger was. What really became clear was the obnoxiousness and general mental imbalance of Vikings fans as a whole. Just read this comment posted after Franklin’s smackoff. I mean, WTF.

“Nice job, Adam. You’re still undefeated. Imagine… actually trying to defend the Packers in an exchange like this. I would give the guy an A for effort, but since he lives in Minnesota, he’s a traitor, so I give him nothing!”

4) November 21 at Minnesota. The Packers had escaped a near-miraculous comeback by Brent at Lambeau earlier in the year and you know he was eyeing this next matchup more than anything else. Could he provide the Vikings with more magic? Answer: Not even close. The Vikings scored a FG at 6 minutes in the 1st quarter and the Packers scored the next 31. Favre was all over, going 17-38 for 200 yards and a pick while Rodgers had over 300 yards and 4 TDs. That win would put the Vikings out of it, get Childress fired and put Favre squarely in the rearview of public interest for good.

3) The 49er game on 12/5. Met up with @michaelcainlaw and @71sweet71 among others at Stadium View before layering up to see a 34-16 whooping put on by the Packers. Witnessed the debut of James “Neo” Starks and saw the GREATEST touchdown by Driver in his career (did you know he woke up that morning with food poisoning, too?). And then there was TurboDumps.

2) BJ Raji’s TD in the NFC Championship Game. I knew we would win this game beyond a shadow of a doubt and early on it was looking like that would be the case. But in came 3rd stringer Caleb Hanie to replace Todd Collins who had replaced Jay “Hanes Her Way” Cutler and somehow the Bears were within a TD early in the 4th quarter. It was looking like a classic Bears “despite everything that went wrong so far, we could still win this” game. If Twitter was any indicator, Packer nation was beginning to freak out. And along comes BJ Raji with an INT-TD followed by his best Susan Boyle impression. Folks, I was so fricken relieved and giddy it wouldn’t have been surprised if I peed my pants and I would not have cared.

1) The Super Bowl. What an incredible, odds-defying year. So happy for the players and so proud of the organization. To be a fan of the Green Bay Packers and experience all the drama and storylines and naysayers along the way only come out victorious in the end has to be right up there with the best feeling in the world. I can’t help but smile just thinking about it. World Champions, baby. World Champions.

Franklin's Top 5:

5) I like roller-coasters. If there was a season that was as much of a roller-coaster ride, please let me know...I'll wait. For those who would prefer a safer, more predictable season, the ferris wheel is that way.

4) Thanks to Mary, (@gbpf127) Season Ticket Holder and Horticulturist extraordinaire, I was able to attend the 49ers game with a good friend of the Ranter who lives in Appleton. The ensuing pregame festivities at Stadium View with Robert, and those mentioned above, was how Packer gameday should be: beer, food, friends…and a shot or two. Robert detailed the game perfectly, so I won’t go into that, however I would like to thank Mary once again. I threw out a tweet and by the end of the day was buying Mary’s fantastic tickets. Her generous nature allowed me to go to the game and meet up with good friends and watch some great football.

3) The week before the NFC Championship game I got an email from Robert. No subject, no text, just a solitary JPEG attachment called “PackersWallpaper”.  Following a quick click of the mouse…I had to spend the next 10 minutes wiping coffee off my desk, monitor, and keyboard. Still makes me smile when I see it. 

2) Living in Minneapolis, I know, and, yes, have even befriended numerous Vikings fans. I hosted a small gathering for the 2nd matchup between the Good Guys and the Bad Guys. True the outcome of the game couldn’t have been more satisfying, but the really enjoyable part of this day, aside from a guest bringing a large quantity of Spotted Cow, was the look on the Vikings fans faces through the course of the game. The utter despair, disheartened stares made for a joyous afternoon….then it turned to pity as the other Packer fans and I tempered our celebrations. You know things have gotten bad, when your hated rival pities you. I say we tempered celebrations, but the smug, satisfied looks on our faces belied  how much this victory meant to all present.  (Addendum: I had a few cocktails with the some Vikings fans recently and the level of their dejection and  utter lack of hope is semi-disturbing…and fully-hilarious. It couldn’t happen to worse organization.)

1) The capper on the season: Ben Rothlisberger’s pass falls to incomplete to Mike Wallace….the ensuing three-person, bouncing man-hug that sprayed beer over fellow patrons of The Herkimer was a thing of glory! I would have worried that we were annoying the surrounding Packer fans, except they were doing the same thing.  A bar full of celebrating Packer fans is a beautiful thing 1) to admire and 2) be a part of.  Not to mention the fine folks at Herkimer provided everyone with a giant brick of communal cheese from which to partake during the game, can’t ask for much more that, can you?

Monday, March 14, 2011

I'm Trying To Be Mad, But I Like The Celery And Olives Too Much

I wouldn't have thought it possible, but the NFL owners and players have pretty much sucked the pure enjoyment and thrill of Super Bowl XLV out of me. The constant bickering, name-calling, and chest-beating has become intolerable. The two sides are about as likable as Hans Gruber, the Sheriff of Nottingham, and Severus Snape combined into one smarmy master villain. A master villain who, instead of taking over Nakatomi Plaza, taxing his subjects to the brink of starvation, or persecuting a harmless schoolboy (all acceptable pastimes for a master villain), just constantly monologues about how he is in the right and his foe is a misguided, money-grubbing fool who is trying to steal everyone's hard-earned cash.

I hate the fact that labor strife has robbed me of my desire to gloat, to wallow in my consider pride at cheering for the Super Bowl Champs while living in the heart of the crumbling Viking empire. I hate the fact that each side thinks they can win a negotiation by leaking items to the media. I hate the fact that both sides have reduced themselves to acting like kindergartners arguing over a box of crayons when there is obviously more than enough crayons to go around if they'd just share.

I've tried to turn this hate into righteous rage, but at this point, it's really just helpless annoyance. It will only turn into a Bruce Banner-like freakout if we lose games.

...or not.

You see, when games are lost, I will be furious, but it will only make me angry in the same way that a long night of tequila makes me angry. You don't know that anger? The nauseous, head-splitting anger of "I'm never drinking again"? See? I knew you knew it. The thing is, eventually, I'll always come back. I'll come back because a spicy Bloody Mary with a celery stalk, pickle, pieces of sausage and cheese, and a few olives will ease the anger and pain. Much like a dart from Aaron Rodgers that threads between two bewildered defenders left shaking their heads and staring at their hands while Greg Jennings leaves them in the dust for six will ease the anger and pain.

This is the reason that both sides continue to do what they do, because they know I, like most fans, will come back. Headaches and nausea will only last so long. Owners and players know I enjoy a little vodka mixed with tomato juice like I enjoy Charles Woodson pick-sixes to help me get through my issues.

For some reason, this makes me disappointed in myself. Disappointed in myself like a morning spent hovering over the toilet worrying that last night's tequila will make a reappearance...

Meh....nothing that a bloody and NFL football won't cure. Eventually.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Charlie Sheen's Speech to the Packers

Below is the transcript from a recent Packers team meeting involving infamous Hollywood bad boy and Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen. Coupled with notes from our insider.

The players casually enter the meeting room and take their seats. McCarthy addresses them.

Mike McCarthy: OK guys, solid workout this morning. We’ve got a lot to look forward to tomorrow. But for now, I’m excited to bring in a very prominent figure recognized around the world. He’s been kind enough to take time out of his schedule to spend some time with us and we’re happy to bring him in. Without further ado, Charlie Sheen.

There’s some heavily sniffling outside the room and in marches Sheen. He looks intense – ready to explode. Even Ted Thompson can’t look directly into his eyes.

Sheen pauses, recalls something and shakes it out of his head.

Charlie Sheen: Sorry. Brain’s firing on more rocket-fueled cylinders these days than an F-18 gone supersonic, you know? There’s enough payload in the chamber to take on God and devil at the same time. BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM! Bring it, trolls.

Let me just clear the air on something here if you don’t mind, huh? Coach? No one brought me here, OK? It’s not like I got a call asking me to stop by. No – I CHOSE YOU. I went hunting through the universe on my ion-charged mercury surfboard for someone who could actually benefit from the magic I’m dishing out. And in the end, I chose YOU. Why? Because you are the Super Bowl Champions. WINNERS. And I ONLY work with people who WIN.

Sheen forcibly writes “WINNING” in caps on the white board and underlines it 4-5x.

Charlie Sheen (cont'd): Say it with me: WIN-NING. Feels good. Wherever we go, whatever we do, that’s just how we roll. Yeah, we’ve been down. I saw your season start to hit the skids with the injuries but you came back and WON. Hell, last month I was bangin’ seven-gram rocks off porn stars. Most people would be dead. Phrrt, amateurs. Not me. Not us. Winners.

Listen. From the moment we willed ourselves out of the womb to that moment when we will ascend to that other galactic realm and beyond, we will forever be winners. Tigerblood, man. That’s for life. And we’re not going to APOLOGIZE or PRETEND like we’re NOT rock stars from Mars. That’s our constitution and we own it. Plain and simple. TIGERBLOOD, MAN! So while you’re winning Super Bowls and I’m making history as the future of evolved human intelligence, the rest of the world can go ahead with their normal, everyday boring lives and their droopy-eyed armless children and watch from a distance in absolute awe as we, WINNERS, feast like gods on the power fruit of another terrestrial realm. Winning. And if that’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye. Ah, excuse us. Out of our way – we’ve got more WINNING to do.

So what? You already know a little about winning and know how totally AWESOME it feels. Well, I will give you one second to brace your minds for a knowledge bomb death blow that could only be dealt by a Vatican assassin warlock overlord like me…. You and I – the Packers and the Sheeniac – we win. And together, we’re BI-WINNING. Boom. For those terrestrial-brained meat puppets who can’t comprehend that – bi-winning means WINNING ON TOP OF WINNING. OK? That’s like, more winning. RADICAL, I know. Together – mainly with my help – we’re going to be BI-WINNING Super Bowls for infinity.

Any questions? You, ginger, over there. I like what you got going on top of your head, you’re a WINNER, what’s your name?

Tim Masthay: Umm…thanks, Mr. Sheen, I’m Tim Masthay. Really, loved Hot Shots, by the way.

Charlie Sheen:
Masthay? Thanks. Okay, shoot, what’s your question?

Tim Masthay:
Any chance I can get a small bit of your Adonis DNA? I really think it could help me.

Charlie Sheen: You’re RIGHT, it would help you. I gave a bunch to Dr. Pat McKenzie just before I came in here, unfortunately it’s already been deemed an illegal PED by the NFL trolls. Sorry, Tim, but you’re already WINNING. You’ll be fine.

So, here’s my card. You may call me tomorrow between 11-11:15 after I love my Goddesses some more. I can unravel pretty quickly, so get the magic while it’s flowing, man. Just remember: Mercury surfboard. Tigerblood. Super Bowls. F-18. Winning. Vatican Assassin Warlock. More Winning. Tigerblood. Bi-Winning. Super Bowls. Boom. Sheen out.
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