Thursday, March 3, 2011

Charlie Sheen's Speech to the Packers

Below is the transcript from a recent Packers team meeting involving infamous Hollywood bad boy and Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen. Coupled with notes from our insider.

The players casually enter the meeting room and take their seats. McCarthy addresses them.

Mike McCarthy: OK guys, solid workout this morning. We’ve got a lot to look forward to tomorrow. But for now, I’m excited to bring in a very prominent figure recognized around the world. He’s been kind enough to take time out of his schedule to spend some time with us and we’re happy to bring him in. Without further ado, Charlie Sheen.

There’s some heavily sniffling outside the room and in marches Sheen. He looks intense – ready to explode. Even Ted Thompson can’t look directly into his eyes.

Sheen pauses, recalls something and shakes it out of his head.

Charlie Sheen: Sorry. Brain’s firing on more rocket-fueled cylinders these days than an F-18 gone supersonic, you know? There’s enough payload in the chamber to take on God and devil at the same time. BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM! Bring it, trolls.

Let me just clear the air on something here if you don’t mind, huh? Coach? No one brought me here, OK? It’s not like I got a call asking me to stop by. No – I CHOSE YOU. I went hunting through the universe on my ion-charged mercury surfboard for someone who could actually benefit from the magic I’m dishing out. And in the end, I chose YOU. Why? Because you are the Super Bowl Champions. WINNERS. And I ONLY work with people who WIN.

Sheen forcibly writes “WINNING” in caps on the white board and underlines it 4-5x.

Charlie Sheen (cont'd): Say it with me: WIN-NING. Feels good. Wherever we go, whatever we do, that’s just how we roll. Yeah, we’ve been down. I saw your season start to hit the skids with the injuries but you came back and WON. Hell, last month I was bangin’ seven-gram rocks off porn stars. Most people would be dead. Phrrt, amateurs. Not me. Not us. Winners.

Listen. From the moment we willed ourselves out of the womb to that moment when we will ascend to that other galactic realm and beyond, we will forever be winners. Tigerblood, man. That’s for life. And we’re not going to APOLOGIZE or PRETEND like we’re NOT rock stars from Mars. That’s our constitution and we own it. Plain and simple. TIGERBLOOD, MAN! So while you’re winning Super Bowls and I’m making history as the future of evolved human intelligence, the rest of the world can go ahead with their normal, everyday boring lives and their droopy-eyed armless children and watch from a distance in absolute awe as we, WINNERS, feast like gods on the power fruit of another terrestrial realm. Winning. And if that’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye. Ah, excuse us. Out of our way – we’ve got more WINNING to do.

So what? You already know a little about winning and know how totally AWESOME it feels. Well, I will give you one second to brace your minds for a knowledge bomb death blow that could only be dealt by a Vatican assassin warlock overlord like me…. You and I – the Packers and the Sheeniac – we win. And together, we’re BI-WINNING. Boom. For those terrestrial-brained meat puppets who can’t comprehend that – bi-winning means WINNING ON TOP OF WINNING. OK? That’s like, more winning. RADICAL, I know. Together – mainly with my help – we’re going to be BI-WINNING Super Bowls for infinity.

Any questions? You, ginger, over there. I like what you got going on top of your head, you’re a WINNER, what’s your name?

Tim Masthay: Umm…thanks, Mr. Sheen, I’m Tim Masthay. Really, loved Hot Shots, by the way.

Charlie Sheen:
Masthay? Thanks. Okay, shoot, what’s your question?

Tim Masthay:
Any chance I can get a small bit of your Adonis DNA? I really think it could help me.

Charlie Sheen: You’re RIGHT, it would help you. I gave a bunch to Dr. Pat McKenzie just before I came in here, unfortunately it’s already been deemed an illegal PED by the NFL trolls. Sorry, Tim, but you’re already WINNING. You’ll be fine.

So, here’s my card. You may call me tomorrow between 11-11:15 after I love my Goddesses some more. I can unravel pretty quickly, so get the magic while it’s flowing, man. Just remember: Mercury surfboard. Tigerblood. Super Bowls. F-18. Winning. Vatican Assassin Warlock. More Winning. Tigerblood. Bi-Winning. Super Bowls. Boom. Sheen out.


  1. I wanted to comment on this but then realized you had already said all there is to be said.

  2. You sir, are a delight.

  3. Any comment is a good one, Jonny. But yeah, I definitely did my research - and loved it!

    Thanks, Buck!

  4. A_Lerxst_in_PackerlandMarch 9, 2011 at 9:27 PM

    Oh, man, I'm in tears after reading this one. Not like Miami Heat-losing-streak-tears, mind you, I'm talking Monty Python and the Holy Grail, funniest-sh*t-you-ever-saw kind of tears.

    Lerxst out.


Google requires us to state we use third-party advertising, who may use information (not including your name, address, email, or phone) about your visits to provide ads of possible interest. For more information or to opt out, click here.
To contact us or to advertise, email packerranter {at}