Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Top 20 Reasons To Prolong The Lockout

The other day Max from over at Purple Pants Green Jersey mentioned that he was fed up with everyone writing Top Ten lists in the absence of any real football news. Despite his frustration with the many lists being made, he indicated he would read a Ranter list.

It may not be exactly what you asked for, but here you go, Max. Don't say we never you gave you anything.

Top 20 Reasons to Prolong the Lockout:
  1. People love to complain. Love it. Myself included. If the lockout ended, everyone would have one less thing to complain about. Sad.
  2. No preseason games.
  3. If there's no football, baseball will once again become America's pastime. A sport where tobacco products are openly used, crotch-grabbing is encouraged, and awful facial hair is a part of the uniform should never have left the top spot. (In all seriousness, I love baseball but not on Sundays in the Fall)
  4. Those team employees were making way too much money. It's about time the owners have a legitimate reason for cutting their pay, slashing their benefits, and enforcing furloughs. Well done owners. I mean, in a multi-billion dollar industry, the guy with 3 kids, making $40K a year is a real problem. NFL owners aren't welfare agencies after all.
  5. If there's no football, the Green Bay Packers will be World Champs for eternity...which is as it should be.
  6. As long there is no season, none of the numerous Packers now on Twitter can institute a "no-tweeting-during-the-season"policy. 
  7. I've almost perfected the Sunday morning pot of coffee and cover-to-cover paper read. If the lockout ends, this diligent work will be tossed out the window. My Sundays will consist of watching countless hours of pregame, agonizing over fantasy football decisions, and prepping food for the game....or heading to a Packer bar, in which case the whole day is shot, most likely leading to a rough Monday morning, or rougher Monday morning than usual.
  8. No Cris Carter.
  9. Still no Cris Carter.
  10. "I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I'm very hungry." Sorry, that has nothing to do with the lockout, but Commando is on TV at the moment.
  11. I can avoid the mind-numbingly boring drive from Minneapolis to Green Bay and back again on Highway 29. The awfulness of this drive is only accentuated when it's made on a Monday morning after a late night victory celebration at Stadium View. 
  12. I really, truly enjoy doing household chores on Sunday. Really. Love it. I would never, ever, want something to come between me and a vacuum cleaner, lawn mower, washing machine, toilet bowl cleaner, or weed whacker. Football does, and I hate football for that reason.
  13. With no football, my conversations with people will focus on quantum physics, the writings of Thomas Paine, organic chemistry, and the poetry of Keats and Byron....or at the very least why Ron Swanson is the greatest character on TV. Diversifying my conversation topics will be good for me.
  14. The offseason is the time of joyous optimism for the Detroit Lions and their fans. And why shouldn't it be? They have the same record as everyone else, and everyone is healthy. However, every year once the season starts their hopes and dreams come crashing back down to earth. With no lockout, this optimism can continue uninterrupted. Detroit needs this. (This one was for our newest South Florida reader who happens to be a Lions fan. We can't all be perfect.)
  15. An extended lockout will give me more time to ponder and document Tracy White's latest feats of strength, wisdom, and virility. The list is long and ever-growing...
  16. This may happen. (Great idea, David)
  17. More lists! Sorry, Max, I love lists. Especially really meaningful ones.
  18. With no football, there's no fantasy football, so I won't have to keep beating Robert in the semi-finals of our league. I really think being so close and coming up just short of the Championship is getting to him. What did he expect, though, when he drafted Favre last year? 
  19. They say that necessity is the mother of invention, with no football, someone may invent the greatest new sport since Frisbeer.
  20. YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! @#$% IT! The longer you drag out this lockout, the better the chance that I could end up not caring about the NFL in the least. Not caring would save me time, money, and stress, not to mention the fact that I would probably lose 20 pounds from not eating my weight in bratwurst and drinking enough beer to kill a medium-sized horse every season. DAMN! I could be so lucky. So go for it. Keep it up. See where it gets you. I'm betting I'm not the only one that will walk away shaking my damn head.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The 2011 NFL Equipment Intern Draft

Lost in all the hubbub of the NFL Draft was the annual Equipment Intern Draft (EID). Each year, hundreds of applicants enter this draft in hopes of landing a coveted internship position on a real NFL teams’ equipment staff. For those unfamiliar with the EID, the process is very similar to the NFL Draft in that all 32 teams pick in reverse order of the previous year’s standings – meaning the Panthers had the #1 pick while the Packers had the #32. But unlike the NFL Draft, each team is only allowed one intern and thus it the draft consists of just one round.

Held in an undisclosed location on the East coast, the 2011 EID was attended by several HOF Equipment staffer such as a ‘Cranky’ Ted Dabole and ‘Jock Strap’ Kennedy. All 32 teams were represented including legendary Packers’ Equipment Manager Gordon ‘Red’ Batty, who has been with the organization the last 17 years.

EID week kicked off with the equipment version of the combine in which candidates undergo grueling physical tests such as sorting piles of game-used uniforms and the ever-popular helmet-waxing competition. Add to that a series equipment dilemma scenarios (Player X hates his shoes…and you!, etc.) and you can see why 30% of the candidates don’t make it past day two.

The day of the draft is unlike any other. There’s food to go along with every type of Gatorade known to man. The ceremony was kicked off with a sweet montage of the evolution of the shoulderpads and capped with the unveiling of the P7, a patent-pending solar-powered hybrid sock washer/dryer combo prototype, expected to become league-wide standard in 2014.

Carolina was first on the clock. Most teams generally take their entire 30 minutes to go over every last detail of the prospects and review trade offers. In an unprecedented turn of events, the NFL Equipment Commissioner approached the podium with those five famous words: “There has been a trade.”

“Green Bay has traded up from the number 32 pick in exchange for Carolina’s first overall. Green Bay will give Carolina this year’s 32nd pick as well as their draft picks for the next five years. And now, with the first selection in the 2011 NFL Equipment Intern Draft Sponsored by Riddell: The Official Football Helmet of the NFL, the Green Bay Packers select….James Jobworthy.”

As customary, a video profile of the selected intern is shown. Due to NFL trademark restrictions, I was only allowed the transcript:

James “Jimmy Job” Jobworthy is a graduate from Penn State’s storied “Equipmentlethics” sports equipment program. He holds degrees in both Inventory Management and Sports Equipment Philosophy. Like most equipment prospects, Jimmy Job has been water- and ball-boyin’ since puberty. He has been described as a ‘go-getter,’ ‘an invaluable asset to any equipment staff’ and possesses uncanny ability to customize shoes. His senior thesis “The Things We Could Do, But Don’t For One Reason or Another” about personalized jersey folding has since been adopted as best practice by the NFL’s Equipment Forum and has inspired two screenplays.

James "Jimmy Job" Jobworthy Analysis: It’s so hard to give equipment draft grades. Yes, on paper this looks like a steal – even mortgaging the future for this guy. It’s clear the kid’s got spunk and I believe he will do very well. But it would be hard for anyone to fulfill these lofty expectations. I truly wish him the best. I’ll give the Packers an “A” for now but ask me to regrade in 10 years.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

We're All Getting Sick of This Crap

Hey, owners, players, judges, lawyers, and whoever else, get something done. Now.

...you're still reading this? I thought I said get something done, and I thought I said now!
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