Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Top 20 Reasons To Prolong The Lockout

The other day Max from over at Purple Pants Green Jersey mentioned that he was fed up with everyone writing Top Ten lists in the absence of any real football news. Despite his frustration with the many lists being made, he indicated he would read a Ranter list.

It may not be exactly what you asked for, but here you go, Max. Don't say we never you gave you anything.

Top 20 Reasons to Prolong the Lockout:
  1. People love to complain. Love it. Myself included. If the lockout ended, everyone would have one less thing to complain about. Sad.
  2. No preseason games.
  3. If there's no football, baseball will once again become America's pastime. A sport where tobacco products are openly used, crotch-grabbing is encouraged, and awful facial hair is a part of the uniform should never have left the top spot. (In all seriousness, I love baseball but not on Sundays in the Fall)
  4. Those team employees were making way too much money. It's about time the owners have a legitimate reason for cutting their pay, slashing their benefits, and enforcing furloughs. Well done owners. I mean, in a multi-billion dollar industry, the guy with 3 kids, making $40K a year is a real problem. NFL owners aren't welfare agencies after all.
  5. If there's no football, the Green Bay Packers will be World Champs for eternity...which is as it should be.
  6. As long there is no season, none of the numerous Packers now on Twitter can institute a "no-tweeting-during-the-season"policy. 
  7. I've almost perfected the Sunday morning pot of coffee and cover-to-cover paper read. If the lockout ends, this diligent work will be tossed out the window. My Sundays will consist of watching countless hours of pregame, agonizing over fantasy football decisions, and prepping food for the game....or heading to a Packer bar, in which case the whole day is shot, most likely leading to a rough Monday morning, or rougher Monday morning than usual.
  8. No Cris Carter.
  9. Still no Cris Carter.
  10. "I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I'm very hungry." Sorry, that has nothing to do with the lockout, but Commando is on TV at the moment.
  11. I can avoid the mind-numbingly boring drive from Minneapolis to Green Bay and back again on Highway 29. The awfulness of this drive is only accentuated when it's made on a Monday morning after a late night victory celebration at Stadium View. 
  12. I really, truly enjoy doing household chores on Sunday. Really. Love it. I would never, ever, want something to come between me and a vacuum cleaner, lawn mower, washing machine, toilet bowl cleaner, or weed whacker. Football does, and I hate football for that reason.
  13. With no football, my conversations with people will focus on quantum physics, the writings of Thomas Paine, organic chemistry, and the poetry of Keats and Byron....or at the very least why Ron Swanson is the greatest character on TV. Diversifying my conversation topics will be good for me.
  14. The offseason is the time of joyous optimism for the Detroit Lions and their fans. And why shouldn't it be? They have the same record as everyone else, and everyone is healthy. However, every year once the season starts their hopes and dreams come crashing back down to earth. With no lockout, this optimism can continue uninterrupted. Detroit needs this. (This one was for our newest South Florida reader who happens to be a Lions fan. We can't all be perfect.)
  15. An extended lockout will give me more time to ponder and document Tracy White's latest feats of strength, wisdom, and virility. The list is long and ever-growing...
  16. This may happen. (Great idea, David)
  17. More lists! Sorry, Max, I love lists. Especially really meaningful ones.
  18. With no football, there's no fantasy football, so I won't have to keep beating Robert in the semi-finals of our league. I really think being so close and coming up just short of the Championship is getting to him. What did he expect, though, when he drafted Favre last year? 
  19. They say that necessity is the mother of invention, with no football, someone may invent the greatest new sport since Frisbeer.
  20. YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! @#$% IT! The longer you drag out this lockout, the better the chance that I could end up not caring about the NFL in the least. Not caring would save me time, money, and stress, not to mention the fact that I would probably lose 20 pounds from not eating my weight in bratwurst and drinking enough beer to kill a medium-sized horse every season. DAMN! I could be so lucky. So go for it. Keep it up. See where it gets you. I'm betting I'm not the only one that will walk away shaking my damn head.


  1. Duuuuuude.Frisbeer is a great game, but I've been calling it polish horseshoes for years.

  2. Best. List. Ever.

    Well, maybe Second. Best. List. Ever. Because I couldn't peel my eyes away from a list on Bleacher Report this morning titled, "Five Bold Predictions For [Insert Team Name Here]" It was truly riveting.

  3. How bout a post for "Worst times you've ever had driving back from a game; hungover, tough loss or otherwise?"

    My kidneys were shot on I-43 south after the Vikings Sunday Nighter last October

  4. You had me at meat tornado.

  5. Packnic, you're damn right. Also, bacon-wrapped shrimp. It's my favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food.

    Ken, I think that's a great idea, with just one problem: I can never remember the drive back. I just sort of space out for 4 hours. I think it's a coping mechanism for my body after the pain and suffering I put it through during the course of a Green Bay weekend.

  6. #18. Losing in the semis is nothing in comparison to getting embarrassed in the finals, as you did to the worst GM of all time. Just sayin'...wink!

  7. Lol, Robbie. Maybe, but losing in the Championship sure pays better.


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