Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Put Me At the Kids’ Table – I Don’t Care

Dear Green Bay Packers Representative,

Did you know that recent studies have indicated that it’s almost impossible to coordinate schedules of more than 20 working professionals at a time? Pretty sad state of affairs these days, eh? And while an impactful reminder of the modern proliferation of sometimes fruitless commitments and meetings, this scientific data harkens to a more relevant topic: your trip to the White House this Friday.

With a contingent of over 100 players and personnel in the Packers organization scheduled to attend, it’s reasonable to expect that several people simply won’t be able to make it. This could make for quite the awkward situation with the president wouldn’t you say? I mean, can you imagine the leader of the free world up at the podium, riffing on the Packers/Bears rivalry and then suddenly seeing empty seats in the audience!? Talk about traumarama!

To help you prepare and cover yourselves, I would like to propose a solution: ME. That is, consider my hat thrown into the proverbial ring of substitute attendees. As a lifelong Packer fan, I will gladly serve the organization by assuming one of the empty seats and help you avoid embarrassment.

I can send pics and a resume, but take my word that I would fit in. Physically, I’m no Don Driver, but I am no suburban slouch, either. I can run a mile in under 8 minutes, do 30 pushups (probably) and have been complimented on more than one occasion on my calf definition. In other words, you’ll probably want to put me with special teams. If that doesn’t work, just say I’m an equipment intern. Heck, put me at the kids table – I don’t care. I’ll even bring my own chair and bust out my tuxedo.

In addition, here is a short list of other worthy substitutes, all of whom I have researched thoroughly and possess the qualities being a team player, obedience and major Packer pride you are looking for while being represented at our nation's capitol.

Franklin Hillside. Not only is he Editor in Cheese, his knowledge of vintage Green Bay restaurant uniforms can carry a conversation until the sun comes up over Pennsylvania Avenue.

Alex Tallitsch. Sure he’s ornery and stubborn, but he’s only of only two people who knows what it feels like to wear Tom Crabtree’s Super Bowl ring.

Tracy White. Let’s be honest – he was the best player in the history of special teams. We could all finally be at peace with Ted Thompson’s most egregious mistake by inviting this incredible super-man for a nice meal.

Please confirm my attendance by Thursday night as I would have to withdraw from Anduzzi’s deep-fried butter eating competition and get a dog sitter.

Your loyal servant,

Robert Greenfield


  1. What's the more awkward situation? Being the one who looks most like her chicke, or being that one's prom date?
    you know which one I'm talkin 'bout.

  2. Your calf definition is only rivaled by my tricep definition.

  3. JV - keep in mind that the calf is the hardest place to add mass.

  4. Did you see that Sh!t about Bishop forgetting his ID and Not getting to see Obama? Ok, so if I'd expect anyone not to have a sense of humor it would be the Secret Service Guys.
    Alright, lesson learned; keep your ID on you even after winning a Super Bowl. (also; putting squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling is illegal.)


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