Friday, September 23, 2011

Helmet

“My roommate’s melon is huge. He’s got this giant, blue, custom-made football helmet that was like $600. It’s true. The helmet was so abnormal that they didn’t offer returns so when he tore his MCL he was basically screwed because no one wanted to buy it – even on craigslist. Now it’s just sitting in his closet. We could just put a giant orange “C” on the side – it’s perfect.”

How big are we talking? We measured the circumference to be slightly over four feet, which is the likely the largest this side – if not both sides – of the Mississippi.”

“I don’t know but I’m telling you it’s enormous. He was once offered a job traveling with this freak show. They wanted to shave his head, dress him up like a supervillain and call him “The Brainiac.” His booth was going to be right next to this bodybuilder guy called the “The Veiniac,” a dude with hundreds of purple earthworm veins popping out all over his body. The only reason he didn’t do it was because they didn’t have a website and his dad told him never to trust a company without a website, which I kind of agree with.”

“Whatever.”

“Whatever you! Google Image Search “Veiniac” or “King of Veins” and you’ll get like a hundred results. They’ve got his arms next to Stallone’s and Maddonna’s in a few pictures too – puts ‘em both to shame. And he’s got a blog.

“Oh yeah, what’s the URL?”

“Imsovein.com. You know, spelled V-E-I-N.”

“I get it. But if we’re really going to make a Cutler Bear/Pig Halloween costume we need a dang Cutler jersey. Even though he sucks and is douchey, they’re still pretty expensive.”

“We could always revisit Sloth Pig. I figure since Scuttlebutt already has that yellow tuft of hair we could just throw on a cheap Superman tee from Walmart, sweatpants, some red suspenders and we’re good to go.”

“Yeah, but the Superman “S” emblem is on the chest so it’d be facing the ground. People might not get that it’s Sloth unless you put the shirt on backwards but that’d just be stupid. I really think we should reconsider Cutler Bear/Pig. I know I can get that helmet.”

“You put a helmet on this pig and he’s gonna go nuts. Remember when we put a Santa hat on him for Christmas and he would not stop running around, squealing like someone was branding him with a hot poker. He stopped eating for a week and has since become incredibly skiddish about being touched on the head. And that was just with a Santa hat.”

“What kind of hat was it?”

“Santa, you idiot. I just said that.”

“No, I mean what material – you know, fabric? Yarn, cotton, velvet?”

“Dude, I don’t know. Cotton, I think.”

“You should’ve gone with hemp. Recent developments in the way they process it make it incredibly light and soft. I’ve got some hemp underwear and half the time it feels like I’m going commando – they’re that comfortable.”

“Just how much of a pothead are you nowadays? You’re always incorporating your hemp propaganda into everything, no matter how far it seemingly is from the realm of conversation.”

“That’s because it’s everywhere! There’s hemp paper, plastics, clothes, ah….food, fuel….ah….construction materials. Hemp seed can even be used as fishing bait! And it all comes from a single plant!”

“Whatever, you’ve changed. That’s what mom and dad get for sending you to the University of Boulder.”

“This coming from a temp! A freaking temp!”

“Least I got a job.”

“Fine. Cutler Bear/Pig.”

2 comments:

  1. You're back, baby! I smiled the whole way through. Also, on a head size related note; Matt Doherty played William "Heed" MacKenzie in "So I Married an Axe Murderer" a role with no speaking lines but major head related humor. Doherty also played Lester Averman in "The Mighty Ducks," a character that could not stop talking. That role required no head size humor.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, Buck. We're still here. Thanks for stopping by - glad you liked the post.

    Your memory of large heads in film is quite remarkable. I believe we would have much to talk about.

    ReplyDelete

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