Sunday, October 2, 2011

Emergency Protocol Enacted

Following today's torching of the Denver Broncos, we have learned from our sources deep inside the bowels of Lambeau that the Packers' equipment staff have been forced to enact Emergency Protocol 12.0

The Ranter has obtained a transcript of an exchange between a mid-level equipment manager and their supervisor shortly following the team's exit from the locker room.

"Sir, we have an issue here...I....I....I think it's time."
"Are you sure? You have to be absolutely positive before this happens."
"Sir, I think we need to do's not safe here otherwise, for him or for others."
"Okay. Okay. You know what to do."
"Yes sir. I will inform the others that we are....enacting Emergency Protocol Twelve-Point-O."
"We knew this day would come. You have all been trained for it.  Now is when you will rely on that training."
"Yes, sir. We are ready."
"Good. I'm confident you will make the Packers' organization proud."
"Thank you...ummm...sir?"
"How long does Emergency Protocol Twelve-Point-O last?"
"Well, your guess is as good as mine...but you've seen everything I have. There is no indication that this will stop....for a long time."
Pretty telling conversation, I thought.

For those of you wondering what Emergency Protocol 12.0 is, our crack research team has obtained a copy of the Green Bay Packers Top Secret Policy and Protocol Manual. (Don't ask how we got it. If we told you, we'd have to kill you. And we like you. All of you.)

On page 783, EP-12.0 is outlined:

"In the event that player #12 begins to display unnatural temperature levels on the field, specifically temperatures exceeding those any normal human should have, his uniform, pads, helmet, and cleats shall be removed from his normal locker and stored in the specially designed locker pictured below."
"Player #12's equipment should only be removed 30 minutes prior to the following week's game and then only by trained individuals wearing their protective high-temperature gear."
I think we all saw this day coming. I, for one, am glad that the Packers' equipment staff are well-trained for this event. Also, it looks as though we are dangerously close to enacting Emergency Protocol 85.0 and Emergency Protocol 21.0.

We, as fans, could be so lucky.

Stay safe, equipment staffers.


  1. This post pails in comparison to what Mr. Rodgers did on the field today, but then again don't we all? It comes in a close 2nd, though. Awesome.

    I'm curious, what's the alarm sound like? Perhaps Howard Dean's battle cry played on an endless reel. Even better, simple silence.

    We are all witnesses.

  2. Safety first.
    and speaking of safeties. . . thank god we played the broncos today. Our secondary came through, but there were times even T. Williams looked lost.

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  4. i remember folks leaving their grills under their cars so they wouldn't get stolen. they thought they were cold, and then the announcement came over the p.a. : "license plate number blah blah, your car is on fire". good times.


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