Friday, December 2, 2011

Top 9 Things to Avoid When Making a Packers Science Fiction Movie

The good ol’ Packer science fiction movie cliché. It’s as old as the Packer science fiction movie genre itself.

We at the Packer Ranter are sick of studios dumbing down our beloved Packer science fiction movies with clichés out of fear the movie will fail. That’s why we’ve put together a list of the top thing to avoid when making a Packers Science Fiction Movie. Now, eliminating these clichés is not going to solve the epidemic, but hopefully inspire a few more creative risks that will keep Packers science fiction movies entertaining and edgy for years to come.

1. Don’t make the QB/Aaron Rodgers the hero. Can you think of a more clichéd hero for your Packers science fiction movie? Rodgers is already the QB, MVP and face of the franchise. With Rodgers as the lead, the audience already knows he’s going to overthrow the dark overlords and free the digital slaves from having their memories completely erased. You want to pick a lead who's lesser known and somewhat edgy. Someone who you’re not quite sure about, but could see rooting for. Think Tom Crabree or Sam Shields, for instance. This will keep the audience guessing and give you the creative latitude you need when crafting your epic sci-fi thriller off the rings of Saturn.

2. No journey. A good sci-fi adventure will probably include some sort of journey. It's always important to make the destination some exotic planet or country. Coming from the Hoth-like Frozen Tundra, there should be a visit to a domed city or a warm-weather locale...or both like the Planet N'Awlins-7.89-Bourbalox.

3. Your spaceship should not be a giant football helmet. How many times have we seen a Packer sci-fi movie start out so promising only to disappoint in the space battle scene with flying Green and Gold helmets start swirling around like a bunch of Pacmen gone wild? That’s right, way too many. You really need to nail your Packers spacecraft for the battle with the Bears in the sky. Why couldn’t your spaceship be a winged team bus with supercharged engines? Or a flying version of the Atrium powered by Donald Driver’s shimmy? Your spaceship is really an opportunity to let your creativity soar – don’t disappoint.

4. Going back to change your Packers sci-fi movie, claiming to be updating it. The Packers team will change, adding and losing players, but your movie shouldn't. That's the cast you started with, that's the team at the time, stop tinkering with're ruining it. Rodgers shot first.

5. For the love of Lambeau, no more retro-futurist alien races! I’ve seen everything from farming, Amish-like communities to vintage 80s societies who like to break dance. Look around. Whether clothing or culture, our world is extremely diverse – why would your alien population be any different?

6. Bleeding is for sissies! Throughout your Packers sci-fi movie, your hero will undoubtedly get into some serious fights (let’s hope so anyway!). What normally happens is an exchange of violent blows in which either your hero or villain may get scratched but never really injured. Huh?? Last I checked football is a dangerous sport. Players get more than just nicked up, they experience serious bodily harm, season-ending IR or worse – your characters should be the same. So be sure James Starks’ arm is cut off if the villain slices it off with a plasma laser sword, Ok people? That will just make his eventual triumph that much more meaningful.

7. Ted Thompson as some cliched zen-like mentor/teacher character. That’s too easy. Instead have him be your ship's mechanic. He can have a few lines like, "We are always exploring options to upgrade the warp-drive" and "I like where our flight crew's at right now", but other than that he should just be covered in grease and scowl a lot.

8. Don't overlook the spaceship or other vessel as a character to be developed. When you can make the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs, or you can make 70,000 people go out-of-their-minds-crazy when they hear a simple music riff or a song by Todd Rundgren, there is something to be explored there.

9. Overuse/reliance of the “Touchdown” celebration. Ok, we get it – people love a great touchdown celebration. And when you your Packer hero(s) finally blows up the Vikings mothership or renders Megatron futile, you’re going to want to celebrate. That’s fine – great even. Just don’t resort to Riverdancing on fallen enemies or pretending to photon-blast your mechanical thigh holster for a cheap thrill. Unless you can think of something truly original (risky), a simple fist pump or barbaric space yawp will do.

Did we get them all?


  1. This rant kicks ass. I mean really kicks ass.

  2. Damn. This was fun.

    For the record, I wouldn't fly anywhere in the galaxy if it wasn't in a giant Lambeau Field spaceship. Nothing better than a Moon-Brat and Black-Hole Beer.

  3. I may continue this list for a few more Rants.


  5. A_Lerxst_in_PackerlandDecember 3, 2011 at 9:18 PM

    I'm partial to the Spotted Arcturian Cow beer, myself.

    +1 for Star Trek: Wrath of Khan Kirk link.

  6. TT is right:

    I too like where our flight crew's at right now.

  7. May be due to the Tim Tebow will be the best thing that could have happened to the Green Bay Packers.


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