Thursday, January 27, 2011

SB:45 Packer Fan Shanty Town - Thanks, Packnic

This morning I tossed out this tweet inquiring about yard space in the greater Dallas/Ft. Worth area. In response, die-hard Packer fan, @Packnic, thought it would be a good idea to form a Packer Shanty Town. He dubbed his plan to put it into action "Operation SB:45 Shanty Town".

You might not think that forming a shanty town is an undertaking that requires extensive planning. You would be wrong. Dead wrong....dead wrong like you got trampled by sauerkraut-starved Packer fans, driven mad with Super Bowl excitement. To create a successful shanty town, there needs to be a preparative stage to ensure that all shanty town residents are safe, secure, fed, and properly supplied with ample quantities of beer and jerky.

@Packnic took it upon himself to KNOCK THIS PLANNING STAGE OUT OF THE PARK!

Please see below:


There was some serious thought put into this, as evidenced by the following:

  1. First Aid adjacent to the Beer Garden
  2. Ample Brat and Beer booths, all located at strategic points within the Shanty Town
  3. Cafeteria and BBQ Pit within easy access of the Jerky and Cheese storage
  4. Space for Packer fans eager to be near the Texan action, but who would prefer to hang out with REAL fans rather than with corporate big shots at the game and at the glitzy parties (BTW-The Shanty Town can do glitzy. Please see: "Champagne Room")
  5. Extensive restroom facilities
The next step...finding someone with a yard big enough to accommodate SB:45 Shanty Town. Please email packerranter@gmail.com with your address. We'll see you sometime next week. I'm only half kidding on this....

Thank you, @Packnic, for your hard work!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Cheese and Bratwurst Can Cause Brain Stimulation

I've been in strange mood since Sunday evening, and I can't really put my finger on what it is. Sure, I am beyond happy that the Packers are going to Super Bowl, but I haven't been as excited as I anticipated I would be. I guess it's the fact that since the Giants game I have been expecting to win. The NFC Championship victory was just a continuation of those winning expectations. When you expect something to happen, and it does, it doesn't lead to stand-on-the-table, beat-on-your-chest screaming or child-like giddiness, it's just...expected.  

Or maybe I'm just old. 

Either way, I have tried hard to figure out my mood. But then all this introspective, self-examination made me feel violated, so I moved on lest I learn something about myself that was better left buried under the massive amounts of bratwurst, cheese, and sauerkraut that I have consumed recently. Then I started thinking about what it took to get here...no, no, no not to the cheese and bratwurst induced reflection on self and psyche, but how the Packers got to the Super Bowl. 

The quick answer is stars got the Packers to the Super Bowl. Guys like Woodson, Rodgers, Matthews, Jenkins, and Jennings. The thing is, every team in the league has stars (some more than others, obviously), so that's not the full answer. What got the Packers to the Super Bowl is the combination of stars and guys like: Desmond Bishop, Charlie Peprah, Jarrett Bush, AJ Hawk, Tim Masthay, John Kuhn, Sam Shields, James Starks, and Erik Walden. These are players who either were previously written off and have come back and excelled, or who were given an opportunity to contribute due to injuries to others. Regardless of how they made it to the field, they have played phenomenally, and the Packers would be sitting at home on February 6th without them. I hope everyone recognizes what these guys have done this year. They have made the 2010 Packers a TEAM. 

A Super Bowl TEAM.

Wow, saying that got me really excited...

WOOOOOO!  Super BOOOOOOOWL! Who's got a place for me to crash Dallas?!?!?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

GBP/NFC Championship Poster

My goal was to design a poster/wallpaper worthy of the matchup this weekend's matchup against the Bears - what do you think? It took longer than anything I've ever written for the site - let's just say that. It would be an honor if you used this as your screensaver/wallpaper. In fact, if you do, take a picture and send it to packerranter at yahoo.com - if there's enough, I'll make a montage to a monster ballad from the 80's!

P.S. If you click on the picture it will open in a new window...and be BIGGER.

Go Pack!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

No One Should Be Scared

People have been around a long time, and as long as people have been around, they have gotten scared.  (Well, not Robert and me, but I'm pretty sure most other people have gotten scared.)  While talking to some friends recently, I learned people get scared of monsters.  I know that will come as a surprise to Robert as he happens to love monsters. So I asked these quaking ninnies what sort of monsters scare them.

Their answers:

Monster Ballads

Vampires

The Green Monster

Monster Energy Drink

Werewolves

Monsters of the Midway

Cookie Monster

The Loch Ness Monster

I nodded with sympathy while they shared with me the various monsters that they check for under their beds every night. Lucky for me these are the same monsters that I simply do not fear, as my giant sense of self-worth banishes them to their dark dwelling places wherever I go.

"Wait....Monsters of the Midway? What the hell are these?" I asked. "Horned dragons? Soul-sucking demons? Skunk apes?" My friends shuddered as I rambled off the beasts that so often made them cower in fear.

Their only stammering answer to my question, "Well...they're blue...they're ugly as hell..."

This didn't really help me understand their fear much, so I decided to do a little research. The only monster I could find that fit that description:


Ummm....my only conclusion from this, Packer fans, is you do not have to be scared of any blue monsters claiming to be "Monsters of the Midway".

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Apology to Herkimer Patrons

Dear Herkimer patrons from last night,

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my actions during the Packers-Falcons game. If you were the unfortunate recipient of splashing beer during my many siezure-like celebrations, I am truly sorry. If you feel that this apology isn't sufficient, I can offer you nothing more, but I urge you to lodge a complaint directly with Aaron Rodgers who was the cause of the majority of these celebrations when he proceeded to go 31 of 36 for 366 3 and 1.

Sincerely yours,

Franklin

PS - I would also like to thank the sweet girl who found my scarf on the floor...four times. You'd think after two times I would have addressed the issue. You would have been wrong.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Bush Bash Has Been Cancelled. NO REFUNDS.

People love to bash.

I don’t like cauliflower. I think it’s evil in its eerie paleness. Cauliflower stinks to high heaven when it’s cooked, just more proof of its massive suckage. Cauliflower is the only food that by adding cheese to it is unimproved. That is no small feat because everyone knows cheese makes everything better. EVERYTHING. Cauliflower should never be placed on a plate for human consumption…unless for some reason you find that you have a living room full of Bears fans. Important tip: If you cook it, the smell should drive them away, or you could also make the jackwagons eat it until they finally give in and finally admit that The Bears Remain an Inferior American Football Squad. I wouldn’t even feed it to a rabbit if I had the misfortune of owning one of those floppy-eared freaks of nature. Seriously, rabbits are weird.

See what I did there? I bashed three things in the span of 142 words. Nice, huh? How about this one: cauliflower, the Bears, and rabbits all suck. That was only 7 words if you’re into the whole brevity thing.

Bashing. It happens. You know who Packer fans loved to bash? Jarrett Bush. You know who they can’t bash anymore? Jarrett Bush. This season it’s like someone added cheese to Jarrett Bush, and then they decided to throw in some extra gorgonzola for good measure. Read Rob Reischel’s piece on Bush if you don’t believe me. (By the way, I promise I started writing this Rant before I read that, the reason will be obvious shortly, but he proves my point with stats, and people use to stats to prove everything. 86% of people know that.)

The reason I started writing this was every blogger’s dream…the “I-Told-You-So” post, and guess who gets to do it? This guy. Okay, okay, okay…so I wasn’t exactly spot on, as Bush is not quite the dimeback the Packers are looking for, and maybe I abandoned the Bandwagon on the side of Highway 29 for awhile in the offseason....but I was the first to the start the Bandwagon, and it's been dragged out the woods and tuned up. And the whole dimeback thing, yeah, he did give up a TD in coverage against the Eagles, but Bush is on the team to be a Special Teamer, and he has turned into a damn good one. Has he reached mythical Tracy White status? Of course not, you insolent fools, no one reaches that pinnacle until Tracy White bestows you with the rank of Special Teams Demi-God (As there is only one God), but the stats and praise from Reischel’s piece are impressive.

Man, I do love it when a plan comes together….and a bandwagon starts getting filled up.





Wait....no one is on here with me yet?!?! COME. ON. Okay fine, people, when Jarrett Bush causes an Eric Weems’ fumble tomorrow, you’re all welcome to jump on. Please remember to keep your hands and feet inside at all times.

There’s no cauliflower on the bandwagon, I promise.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

James Starks: A Brief History

James Starks, a name that suddenly conjures phrases like “rookie playoff hero,” “Neo” and “the green Jesus”. He is both the source of newfound mancrushes and budding folklore across Packer nation. But besides being an American football running back for the Packers of Green Bay, what do you really know about this guy? Personally, I didn’t know much so I waded through a bunch of stories to try and give us both a little more about Starks. P.S. Thank goodness this is a blog, otherwise I’d have to cite sources and that crap.

To begin, Starks is from Niagara Falls, New York where he was raised by a single mom along with six other kids in the projects. Not the greatest situation, but the Starks’ family stuck together like Acme glue with the help of his hardworking, dedicated mother who worked two jobs and jockeyed her kids all over the place. James’ older brother described him as the “biggest momma’s boy you’ve met in your life.” I love it already.

For the Niagara Falls Wolverines, James played basketball (alongside T-Wolves’ Johnny Flynn actually) and football. On the field, Starks acted like a young Michael Vick, playing quarterback and rushing for over 1,000 yards and throwing for over 600 yards his senior year. He was recruited by a bunch of big-name schools, but eventually accepted a scholarship at the nearby University of Buffalo to stay closer to his family.

Starks’ college career took some really interesting turns and he initially started as a cornerback. However, when Turner Gill (former Packers quality control and now Kansas coach) took over, Starks briefly assumed his high school position of quarterback. That is until they noticed his crazy skills as a runner and moved him to running back – full time, for good.

It was clear Starks found his niche as a runner and began to kick all sorts of ass, becoming the school’s all-time leading rusher in just three seasons and essentially turning the program around. Here are some highlights. Entering his senior year, Starks was on the map as one of the best college runners and hoping to finish with enough momentum to be a high draft pick in the NFL. Unfortunately, he received a labrum tear in his shoulder during a scrimmage and had to go under the knife, missing his entire senior year.

Entering the 2010 draft, Starks appeared to be over his shoulder injury and performed well enough at the combine (faster 40 than Ryan Matthews and Dexter McCluster) to be labeled a “potential steal.” Experts said he would not get drafted before the 4th round because of the injury, which eventually held true…AS YOU WELL KNOW, READER!

When drafted, Starks seemed very appreciative. "I'm just grateful for this opportunity and I'm going to make the most of it," said Starks. "I didn't even play a year and God blessed me with an opportunity to do something I love, I'm very grateful for it… (The Packers) said they liked my film and they were proud to make me a Green Bay Packer. I said 'Coach I'll be ready, I'm ready to come out there and work and I'll make sure you made the right choice.’”

Of course it took forever for James to get his chance with the Packers because of a hamstring injury, and he began his Packer career on the physically unable to perform list. He finally got promoted to the 53-man roster Week 13 against San Francisco where he rushed 18 times for 73 yards in a solid debut. And we all know how valuable he was against Philly, rushing 23 for 123 and catching a couple of passes as well.

Greenfield’s Analysis: Yep, he’s the chosen one alright! Sign him to a long-term deal now and begin his melon mold for Canton. There’s a few things that put me over the edge, but in the end I think his explosive, unpredictable, “pants on fire” style of running is just really, really, really, really fun to watch. And man, the timing couldn’t be better. James Starks, I salute you. Go Pack!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

On Fingernail Clippers.

I've come to know a few hard and fast rules in this world, usually through extensive trial-and-error. 1) You should find your favorite pickle brand/type/flavor and always have a jar on hand 2) When you most need a Packer fan to commiserate with, you will always find one 3) You never get rid of fingernail clippers. There are many more rules I've come to know; ask me about them sometime, and I'll share, but it's the third of "Franklin's Rules for Maintaining a Happy and Healthy Existence" that I want to focus on. Yes, I realize that fingernail clippers are not really things that are discussed in public forums mainly due to the fact that the inevitable flying fingernail clippings resulting from their use are considered to be somewhat gross. Point taken, but bear with me.

Fingernail clippers are an often overlooked, under-considered tool. They are usually taken for granted and tossed willy-nilly in bathroom drawers or medicine cabinets, requiring digging and angry slamming of drawers and cabinet doors to be found. Be honest, you don't think about fingernail clippers...that is, until you don't have a set readily at hand.

Having multiple sets of fingernail clippers placed at strategic locations should be a goal of all people who like to be prepared. When making a purchase of new clippers, the old pairs should never be carelessly discarded. You will soon find out that even though you have a pair of shiny new clippers, the old clippers will invariably be needed. If you abandon your old pairs, you will soon recognize that the new pair were superior in some task than the newer model. Maybe they get the flat part of the nail better, or the corner part of the nail. Maybe they are better-suited at getting rid of painful hangnails. Perhaps they were perfect for cutting off rouge strings from clothing. Point is, they have use. Also, what happens if your brand-spanking-new clippers breaks on the first pressure placed on the lever? You NEED to have backups.

Personally, I own 4 fingernail clippers. Some older, some newer, some more expensive, but all have use. One of these I just purchased this week (at a relative bargain, I might add). Now, did I get rid of my older clippers? Hell no. I kept them around for the reasons listed above. I tossed one in my tackle box to cut fishing line, one in the junk drawer for who knows what. I'll wait and see how these two work out in these roles, but regardless, it's nice to know they're still around. I kept the new model and the expensive one in my medicine cabinet as they have been performing at a high level for me. It's not like my clippers take up a huge amount of space, so I would need to foolishly toss them away. Nope, I understand the value of having a number of them around. Nowhere on the packaging did it say, "You cannot have multiple clippers. Please get rid of other clippers before removing item from this package."

After having read this, I hope you consider how valuable a plethora of fingernail clippers can be the next time you are in need of a trim, or a quick snip of a thread, or even a clip of your 8 lb. test.

Okay, after that weird PSA, back to the task at hand...destroy the Eagles!

Oh, dang! One more thing I almost forgot to mention: congrats to Desmond Bishop on his new contract extension....

Friday, January 7, 2011

Philly, Cream Cheesed


Views from the Hillside
Last Sunday, the camera panned over the crowd and I saw two people wearing earmuffs. Now this wouldn’t be a big deal if they were women, but they happened to be two dudes. Men wearing earmuffs?!?! When did this ridiculous trend start? Men wear hats…or they freeze their ears off. There is no third alternative. The poofy, Princess Leia version and even the weird band one that goes around the back of the head are not acceptable cold weather ear-covering apparatuses. What? You’re trying to protect your hairdo? Look, sir, your hair will never be as simultaneously gorgeous and yet intensely intimidating as mine or Robert’s so don’t even bother. Wear a damn hat.

Erik Walden: 16 tackles 3 sacks, NFC Defensive Player of the Week. 6th round draft pick released by Cowboys, Chiefs, and most recently Dolphins. Dom Capers ability to plug guys in Bill Beelichekian. (Without the cheating part)

4th and 26th …I remember sitting in John “The Company Man” Johnson’s living room and going from a happy-go-lucky-we’re-going-to-win buzz to a did-that-really-just-happen-sulking-drunk?!?! Also, “F#%& YOU!” Freddie Mitchell crossed my mind too.

I cannot get over the fact that the NFL changed the OT rules because Brett Favre didn’t touch the ball in the NFC Championship game. How does he repay them? Well, you watched his season. Oof, talk about ungrateful. Rule changes like this are so stupid, can you imagine the rules changing for your fantasy league playoffs? The commissioner would be duct-taped to a tree and left there until next season’s draft.

Mick Vick wet himself a little when he heard Cullen Jenkins was coming back this week. Okay, I lied…it wasn’t a little.

Ron Jaworski is the honorary Eagles captain Sunday. He just picked Eagles to win. Idiot. Jon Gruden says: “THIS guy is flat-out wrong.”

I can guarantee everyone in the “Fire McCarthy” crowd are really impressed by how the Miami Dolphins conduct their business. $8 million for a college coach? Brilliant. Not complying with the Rooney Rule, so they can’t actually hire him? Brilliant. Interviewing candidates when you still have a coach? Brilliant. “Fire, McCarthy!”

I have a man-crush on Charles Woodson, Tramon Williams, Clay Matthews, BJ Raji, Cullen Jenkins, Nick Collins, and AJ Hawk…and those are just my man-crushes on defense. I’ve also started flirting with Charlie Peprah. Yes, I am a man-whore. Don’t judge.

I believe Captain Kirk said, “Set phasers to ass-kicking.”

Greenfield's Deals
If there’s any kind of Michael Vick/Eagles montage to the theme music of “Rocky” at any time, I may in fact vomit where I sit.

Dom Capers is the effing man. There’s no other D coordinator in the league who could’ve succeeded as well as the Packers have with all the injuries we’ve sustained – no one. I’m sorry I made fun of your hair when you arrived:(

Among other things, Sunday will be a battle of jumpsuits. Rumor is Andy Reid spent a day in Milan with a team of seamstresses as they customized a stunning weatherproof, rabbit pelt-lined Gortex wonderland for the Philly coach. How will McCarthy counter?

It’s Kuhntagious! Don’t be shocked to hear some “Kuuuuuuuhhnnnn” chants from the Philly fans, too. #30 is from York, Pennsylvania and set 27 school records at Shippensburg, where I’m guessing every other play was Kuhn TD (53 in all). Side note: He’s also got a degree in chemistry. Yes, I’m cereal.

You know who else played at Shippensburg? Rob Davis, who retired a couple years ago. His 167 straight games for the Packers is only behind Favre and Forrest Gregg in team history. Nice!

You know who else is nice these days? Mila Kunis. Yowsas.

You know it’s a huge game when you’re planning on the potential for a major hangover Monday, and therefore made the pre-emptive move to schedule that as a vacation day immediately following the Bears game.

Philly is only about two hours from Scranton. It depresses me to think that the characters on “The Office” may be Eagles fans. The show has already gone downhill enough for me.

There are only two outside chances the Eagles take this one: drastically win the turnover battle or Desean Jackson has a monster game on special teams. Neither is likely to happen.
Bum-Bum-Chhhh, Ba-Bum-Bum-Chhhh, GO PACK GO!
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