Tuesday, July 26, 2011

We Didn't Start the Fire

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for our lack of posts over the past 5 months. While Robert and I should have been gloating over the Packers ascension to the peak of NFL dominance, the lockout had successfully crushed our creative juices...that, or maybe we just got lazy, fat, and drunk. Something about losing your edge when you have nothing left to prove?

Let me tell you something, fat and drunk (we will never admit to stupidity) is no way to go through life. We realized we needed to get back in shape, and fast.  So to get back to peak form, Robert and I embarked on a rigorous training regime by competing in a Fantasy Writing League. The league was really just Robert and I, and by "Fantasy" I mean we wrote fantasy stories about Gwarnac The Battle Dwarf and his rag-tag group of freedom fighters. "Long live, GWARNAC!" Okay, okay, if there's one thing I've learned, no one outside of your league wants to hear about your fantasy team, so I'll move on...

Robert's greatest pastime, other than his prolific dating, is building fires. The last time we went to his cabin, he and our buddy Brats (Yeah, that's his real name.) played in the fire pit for hours. Amid the shrieks of joy and explosions of flame, it was hard to tell if the two had ever had more fun in their lives. Therefore, I thought I would try that here. It's not like I can burn The Ranter down, right? I'll be safe about it and take a page from Robert Greenfield's Book of Outdoor Lore, page 37, paragraph 3: "So you want to keep a fire going? Throw some gas on it!"

Here's the fire: Nnamdi Asomugha to the Packers. This fire of absurdity seems to be burning through the interwebs lately. Sure, this fire warms the body and mind with thoughts of an impenetrable phalanx of Packers' defensive backs. Im. Pen. E. Trable. What is already a great defensive backfield, would be the best, by a large margin. I know what you're thinking: "Is this guy actually going to jump on board this rumor that would bring the highest priced free agent to Lambeau in 2011? He certainly doesn't have any sources with knowledge of the situation. However, he does look fairly gullible, though, and could just believe everything he reads...maybe he really is going to try to give credence to this rumor."

You're right, I don't have any sources, I can be gullible, and I'm pretty sure "The Lord of the Rings" is non-fiction, but even I can't get behind this rumor. It's so far outside of Ted Thompson's modus operandi that he's more likely to bring me in for a tryout at left guard then do this, so I will not being adding fuel to it...
...
...
Hmmm...
...
...
...you know what?  If there's one thing that I've learned through the course of Ted Thompson's tenure, it's that the only thing that would surprise me is if he didn't do something that surprised me. If I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet, it wouldn't be more surprising than him signing Nnamdi Asomugha....and that's just enough reason for him to do it. Well, there's your gas on the rumor fire. I hope your singed eyebrows grow back quickly.

Post Script - I have heard from my sources that in addition to this signing, Ted will most likely trade BJ Raji, demote Mike McCarthy, put a roof on Lambeau Field, and start a yoga studio in Appleton. Someone throw some gas on these fires too....

Monday, July 25, 2011

Chico Suave


Made this months ago, just never posted. With the lockout ending, seems like a great time to celebrate.

For those of you who don’t know, Aaron Rodgers is from Chico, California and Clay Matthews is a spokesperson for Suave hair products. Add the championship belts they’re holding, and you have the formation of the NFL’s best tag team duo: CHICO SUAVE.

Go Pack!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

PSA From The Ranter Ministry Of Information


I have a good feeling this lockout nonsense will be resolved soon. I think the 6 of you reading this should too. My anger at both sides and fear of lost games has subsided, and now I'm just waiting. However, should I find my faith wavering, I'm just going to look at this piece of propaganda from The Ranter Ministry of Information and chill out. 


You should do the same. Carry on.
Google requires us to state we use third-party advertising, who may use information (not including your name, address, email, or phone) about your visits to provide ads of possible interest. For more information or to opt out, click here.
To contact us or to advertise, email packerranter {at} yahoo.com