Thursday, December 27, 2012

Duct, Duct, Gift.

It's sitting there. Under the tree. Resting next to the four-pack of argyle socks and seasons one and two of MacGyver. The bright yellow surface reflecting the twinkling lights, a couple spruce needles stuck to the edge.

It had been tucked in the bottom of my stocking, a stocking that had gotten buried under wrapping paper, boxes and half-popped bubble wrap. As numerous Hillside cousins, nieces, nephews, dogs and two random neighbor kids abandoned their gifts to play with the wadded up wrapping paper and discarded ribbons, the stocking appeared. I picked it up to rehang it on the mantle and felt the cylindrical object jammed in the toe, a yuletide toe jam if you will. I reached in the stocking and pulled out the small item and admired the Peanuts wrapping paper. That tree really did just need a little love.

I slowly unwrapped the last gift of the 2012 Christmas season and not much could have prepared me for what was enclosed by Charlie Brown, Linus and Lucy standing around their little tree. I couldn't have been more surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet, Eddie. In my hand I held what I initially thought was a Green Bay Packers hockey puck, but as I turned the item over in my hands, I realized I was the new owner of a roll of Green Bay Packers' duct tape.

I glanced around wondering who had given me this offering, but none of the Hillside clan seemed to be paying attention...which was fairly typical. I realized that this was the only piece of Packers paraphernalia I had received this year, which may have a been a sign from my family that I have reached green and gold capacity. I said, "thank you," to no one in particular, thinking someone would respond, and I could ask how they intended for me to use this Packers adorned duct tape. Unfortunately, kids went right on playing, dogs went on chasing each other around the tree, and adults went right on spreading good cheer next to the egg nog bowl. I flipped up the roll, caught it, and placed it under the tree.

Two days later, I still have not found out who had given me this gift. Resigning myself to the belief that it may have actually been Santa who inserted this into my stocking, I've moved on to finding uses for it. I'm fully aware that there are hundreds, if not thousands of uses for duct tape, but when you put the "G" on anything, be it shirts, socks, spatulas, garden gnomes, long johns, bathroom rugs, you have a responsibility to conduct yourself in a manner befitting the Packers' organization when using said item. Green Bay Packers duct tape cannot just be applied anywhere. There are rules. It must have a utilitarian  purpose, but it must also be used in a decorative and boasting manner. It must be in full view of others, Packer fans and heathens alike, but it must not draw attention to some sort of embarrassing mishap like a pair of split trousers (Yes, I have witnessed torn trousers "fixed" with duct tape, don't pretend you haven't). So you see, this isn't just an easy stocking stuffer gift, this is a thought-provoking item, and it must be used pridefully, but also prudently and with respect.

As Hillsides slowly remove their presents from under the tree and make their way back to their hillsides of origin, I continue to ponder this Packers' duct tape usage. Then it occurred to me, there's nothing better than a gift that makes you think. Maybe that was Santa's intent the whole time.

Smart guy, that Claus.



PS - If anyone else received Packers' duct tape, let me know how you intend to use it. Unfortunately, I don't think it will repair your broken dreams of becoming a roadie for Def Leopard, it's not magic. Sorry.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

We Answer Motown Milton's Questions

Before the last Packers/Lions game, we shot a few questions to Motown Milton who is a lifelong Detroit Lion fan. Because of this fandom, he has gone through more suffering than any Packer fan will ever know. As if that wasn't enough, he is engaged to be married to a Vikings' fan (although he assures me that Minnetonka Tina is now a Lions' supporter). Milton is assuredly a stronger man than I. Anyhoo, in the interest of fair play, Robert and I agreed to answer some of Milton's questions. Enjoy.

What's it like to win in Green Bay? It's been since the early 90's I don't even remember what it's like?

FH: Hmmm....very philosophical question. I have never thought about what it's like to win in Green Bay. It's akin to asking, "What's it like to breathe the air?" 

RG: Wow, getting right into things. Winning at Lambeau is like a living thing – it connects you more to life. I like to think about what was going on with the players in the offseason and what they do right before the game. I like to think about how the sun is shining down, just a little warmer, during a game. I think about all those people who gathered for the experience. Some are old and some are young, and how the tradition will continue after I’m gone. I love how the team continues to evolve, how every season and every win feels just a little different than the last. Winning at Lambeau is like life itself. It feels so f**cking good.

Fresh or fried cheese curds?

FH: Much like the spoon, there is no "or". 

RG: Yes please. OK, fried cheese curds with a side of ranch at Stadium View are as good as it gets. Been known to cure hangovers as well.

If Rodgers, McCarthy, and Calvin Johnson joined forces would they dominate the NFL? I figure 3,000 yds for Calvin and 7,000 for Rodgers.

FH: Throw in Adrian Peterson to that crew, and I would say they could play 3 on 11 and always be favored by +7.5

RG: While likely true, the question is otherwise irrelevant. Rodgers is capable of dominating the NFL by himself. Just ask the people at SportsBetting.ag who they have their money on.

What's the brew of choice at Packer tailgates?

FH: I was tailgating in Green Bay last weekend, and I had Miller Lite, Coors Light, Spotted Cow, Moon Man, PBR, Sierra Nevada, and a bloody Mary. I think variety is the spice of life....and tailgates.

Best food item at Lambeau?

FH: Whatever you eat at the tailgate, or whatever cheese, sausage, and crackers the girls behind you from Marinette give you during the game. Thanks, ladies.

What is a must for a person making their first appearance at Lambeau?

RG: Time. I believe it was Aristotle – or was it Aerosmith? – who once said that life’s a journey; not a destination. The same holds true for Packer games. While Lambeau is the pinnacle of sports venues, nothing compares to the total experience of a game-day weekend in Green Bay, preferably hosted by a Packer Ranter.

FH: What he said. Also, the Ranter even offers short tours of the players' parking lot...on accident.

What if Lambeau had a roof?

RG: I will not entertain this ridiculous hypothetical.

FH: If Lambeau had a roof, I wouldn't want to live on this planet anymore. 

How would you feel if the Pack were winning 3 games in a row with under two minutes to go vs. good teams and blew all three games? Oh wait – that's been the last three weeks for the Lions. Pretty much sums up our franchise. One playoff win since 1957, but at least we didn't lose on a hail Mary that the other guy didn't even catch.

RG: Venting is good for the soul. Just get it all out, man.

FH: I'd feel like a Lions' fan? Too soon for Fail Mary jokes, Milton. I still get a rage headache when I see Pete Carroll and Rusty Wilson. TOO SOON!

What's it like to win a playoff game and god forbid make the Super Bowl?

RG: Like warm apple pie.

FH: It feels like taking that first bite out of a brick of sharp cheddar...wait, you don't eat it right off the brick? 

What’s your take on all the Packer commercials? I can't believe Jennings missed so much time when he hurt himself in the old spice commercial?

FH: Truth is, Greg Jennings wasn't even hurt. Mike McCarthy was just giving Rodgers a higher degree of difficulty. He 's constantly trying to find new ways to challenge him. I believe McCarthy plans on starting Rodgers at safety against the Bears. 

Thoughts on cheeseheads? Manly, ridiculous, tradition, waste of money?

RG: Perhaps all of the above. Hey man, they saved a guy’s life once I heard. You just have to embrace it. Harmless fun.

FH: Of all the things you could spend money on to wear on your head, a foam piece of cheese is the most manly, ridiculous, and traditional.

Brandon Pettigrew or Jermichael Finley vs. the jugs machine? I think jugs machine wins.

RG: Well played, sir. Well played indeed.

FH: I'm in Finley's corner. He has picked it up lately, and he will be a big factor in the playoffs. #uncharacteristicallyseriousanswer

This one’s from ‘Tonka Tina: "How will the Lions blow it in the last two minutes Sunday?"

FH: Don't worry, it won't be close in the last two minutes.

Favorite Lions player?

RG: Barry Sanders was the best running back ever.

FH: Harry Colon. No question.

Rank Suh, Cutler, Vikings' horn, Vikes’ fans, John Randle, Warren Sapp

FH: I will not do that, but Vikings' horn is last, somewhere behind feces.

Milton's Prediction: Either Packers win big – and I mean REAL big – like 38-17 or close back and forth game with Pack again winning at end 27-23. How's Rodgers going to sleep knowing he's going up vs. a secondary of Chris Houston, Drayton Florence, Delmas, Ricardo Silva, Don Carey, and Carlton Banks (and only one of those is made up). Good luck Ranters. I'll be pulling for you in the playoffs. I'm kinda jealous of your franchise.

RG: Folks, we cannot make this up. The jealousy runs deep. You have to give this Lions’ fan credit for his honesty and his humbleness. He might be one of the coolest opposing fans we have ever encountered. And while you don’t need our permission to marry Tina, Milton, you certainly have our blessings.

And yes, the Packers will win.

FH: You're welcome to become a Packer fan, Milton. We will greet you with open arms. You could do a lot worse than green and gold...like navy and orange or purple and yellow.

Prediction? Packers win big. Finley has a TD. #YOTTO

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The Perfect Life...


Folks,

My name is Robert Greenfield. We’ve probably never met and chances are you have no idea who I am. I’m nobody famous. I’m never in the news nor am I a wildly successful buinessman. And the one independent movie I played a werewolf, my scenes were cut. In fact, I’m probably a lot like you.

But what I have to say could change your life – for the better. I’m going to show you how you could start living your dream life…

Before I get into that, I want to tell you a little more about myself. Some of it I’m not proud of, but I want to be perfectly honest with you.

First and foremost, I’m not very motivated. I’ll even admit, sometimes I’m downright lazy. Also, I have a job with very little responsibility – maybe the least responsibility at my company – and yet I still manage to mess it up almost hourly. Sure, I’ve had some good ideas that could have served me well in the business world, but I’ll probably never know since I’m just too lazy, have no follow-through and take aggressive issues with every known type of personality in the workplace.

But I’m the happiest guy I know. And every day I thank my lucky stars to be able to be part of what I am.

In short, I’m a Packer fan.

And that’s exactly what I told my neighbor who asked me what my “secret” was.

And here’s the best part of being a Packer fan….

Other than it’s free…

Other than it’s fun…

It’s incredibly easy!

You can be a Packer fan as much or as little as you want! I know fans that cheer for the Packers half-drunk in their underwear for five minutes a week before their mid-day Sunday naps!

And it’s the best five minutes of their week.


The secret is our unique fan base.

Packer fans are true to their team unlike any other fans in the world. At the end of the day, all they want is an honest effort from their team and a cold one (and maybe a brat or two).

And if you’re even flirting with the idea of becoming part of this special club, I hope I can convince you to take the plunge. I guarantee our fans will welcome you with open arms.

The lifetime of happiness and rewards is more than worth it – just ask my neighbor. Now, all you have to do is say these three words and you’re in – it’s that easy.

If it can work for me and millions others, it can definitely work for you.

Are you ready?

You sure?

Then repeat after me…

GO PACK GO!

On behalf of Packer Nation, we're so glad to have you aboard. Sincerely,

Robert Greenfield
Head Cheese
PackerRanter.com
November, 2012

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Motown Milton Drops By The Ranter

Have I got a treat for you all this fine Sunday morning. I have an exclusive interview with a good friend of the Ranter's fiance. 

What? That doesn't excite you?  

Okay, here's the exciting part, he is a die-hard Detroit Lions fan, and all-around good guy....even though he roots for all feline teams. Without further adieu, I present the Ranter interview with Motown Milton.

1)     You currently live in Florida. How could you leave Michigan? I mean, it has it's own Upper Peninsula (many residents of which are Packer fans).

I moved down here to convert more people to Lions Nation. So far Lions Nation has increased in size. Granted most of the new fans think football is soccer, but I'll take it. Well, it is very similar actually, down here to Michigan.  The one difference is that there is this thing called the sun that shines pretty much every day and when the Lions blow a game to the Titans or get swept by the Vikings, I can look outside at the beach, palm trees, and the Gulf of Mexico and feel some sense of peace. If I was in Michigan still, I’d look outside and see gray clouds, abandoned buildings, and pot-hole filled roads and commiserate about the latest Lions debacle. Also, Florida is a peninsula and has lots of Packer fans around me, granted they all have gray hair and are quite forgetful because of old age. Many still think that guy who is in the Wrangler commercials is your quarterback. On the plus side, the NFC North is well represented down here in Naples. On the down side, that means that there are loads and loads of Bears fans nearby.  One other thing that is really impressive down here ,is that that they have three, count them, threem NFL teams in one state. Their fans are so incredible that they dress up as stadium seats that are the same color as the team. That’s creativity at its finest.

 
2)     What’s your favorite moment playing against the Packers? (other than when the Packers help Barry Sanders to -1 yard…oh, wait, that’s mine)
 
Beating Brett Favre 7 out of 10 times at the legendary Pontiac silverdome, and sadly, that’s about it. Winning in Lambeau in 1991 I believe also was nice. What do you feel about Brett Favre going from the Packers to the Vikings? That’s like sac religious isn’t it? At least Barry Sanders just retired, and didn’t go to the pack or vikes. My least favorite moments: 1) Sterling Sharpe left wideeeeeeee open in the 1993 playoff game at the end. How do you leave that player that wide open? I will never know. 2) The Barry Sanders -1 yard playoff game. 3) The loss in Green Bay to make the lions 0-16. 4) Matt expletive Flynn 6 TDs in a must win game to avoid the saints for the lions, when the packers played just backups.
 
 
3)     What do you think of Jim Shwartz? Honestly. Sub-question: would he be able to win in a fairly reffed, jello-wrestling match with Jim Harbaugh? (Because Mike McCarthy would destroy him. Fact.)


Jim “The Motor City Madman” Schwartz would destroy Harbaugh. First he would rip that whistle from around his neck, and nail him with one of his epic fist pumps. On a serious note, I think Schwartz was what the franchise needed (Wayne Fontes is still our winningest coach for god's sake) as he brought in a new attitude and helped us end our losing streak in general, on the road, division, and making the playoffs. With that being said, I don’t know if he is the one to take us next level. When your team can’t start a game till the 3rd quarter, has numerous stupid penalties, and gave up four special teams’ TDs in two weeks and didn’t fire the special teams coordinator something needs to be said for that. I like him and his passion and hope he can do it, but not as optimistic as I was last year at this time.
 
4) What's the best food item at Ford Field? 


Big boy double Decker burger is pretty solid. Two meat patties, cheese, and a thousand island like sauce(people wonder why Michigan isn’t the healthiest state). Also have a nice pulled pork sandwich. As a nice collectable you can get dippin dots in a lions helmet. I am going out on a limb and guess brats at Lambeau?
 
5) Is every Lion fan required to root for the Decepticons while watching Transformers? 


Yes. Is every DB going up vs. Calvin supposed to make their twitter avatar Optimus prime?
 
6) Kid Rock, Eminem, Ted Nugent, or Marvin Gaye?  


Old school Kid Rock is awesome. He puts on an amazing concert.  Great job at representing the city of Detroit. However, new country-type Kid Rock, not so sure of. Eminem is very, very solid, and "Lose Yourself" is a phenomenal song to be played at any sporting event before it starts or at a crucial part. If you think about it, "Lose Yourself" really fits with the Lions, as either A, they lose, or B, they lose themselves and commit dumb penalties.  If you haven’t noticed by now, I am a little disappointed in the effort the Lions have put forward this year. No business losing 2x to the Vikes, and should not lose at Tennessee. Last year they beat those teams and even dominated and destroyed the mighty Tebow.
 
7) Your better half is from Minnesota, and at least tangentially, through the fact that she went to high school where Ragnar works, is a Vikings fan. Have you converted her to Lions fandom yet? If so, congratulations, as there is nothing worse than a Vikings fan, if not....why not?  


Tonka Tina is a lions fan, but still a Vikings fan. She knows more players on the lions by far. She has also been to more lions games in her lifetime which is pretty incredible for a 2 year relationship. However she is “Minnesota nice’ and feels the need to be loyal to all things Minnesota. She does love that Vikings horn, she has Norwegian roots, and as you said knows Ragnar. Those are all things that will be very hard to switch. However, if anyone can make the switch happen, Megatron can do it.  I will disagree with you on one thing, Bears fans are wayyyy worse than Viking fans. The Bear fans act like they have won tons of Super Bowls, when they have won only one. Also they defend Jay cutler, which is ridiculous and think Brandon Marshall is a model citizen. Milton's NFC North power rankings for favorite teams: Footstompers, Bratwurst, Fighting Ponders, Bears (don’t even deserve me thinking of a nickname). My better half aka Tonka Tina power rankings: Vikings, Lions, Pack, Bears. Notice, even someone who isn’t a huge football fan hates the Bears.
 
8) From Ranter occasional commenter, D the Dragon, we have a one word question: "How?" 


How can I be a lions fan, well it’s a very hard thing to do. They have made me one of the most pessimistic sports fans in the world. I compare the lions to a snow flake and a house of cards. None of their losses are ever the same, and when one of the cards gets slightly touched they crumble faster than the blink of an eye. Now they have been better of late, as they seem to always dig themselves a huge deficit, then have to come back at the end, and as of late more times than not they come all the way back. They never get mentioned in most painful sports franchises but here are some lowlights: ONE ONLY ONE PLAYOFF WIN SINCE 1957, 0-16, they let one of the best running backs ever just retire when he was reasonably still in his prime, they lead the league in off season arrests, never been to a super bowl, oh ya and ONLY ONE PLAYOFF WIN SINCE 1957. However we don’t have Cutler or Tebow on our team, so that’s a plus.
 
9) What's your prediction for Sunday's game? Mine? Bratwurst and kraut, and a Packers W.
 
This Lions squad plays best when nobody expects anything from them, and I think it helps the Pack is as banged up as the Lions, and that it is at Ford Field is a big plus, though I am sure Packer nation will be there in full force. I see it being close for awhile but packers pulling away in the 4th. If Jake Locker and Christian Ponder can put up stats against us, I shudder at what Rodgers and Jordy can do. With that being said, I would hope Stafford and Calvin can do some serious damage as well. If the Lions can score TDs in the redzone and hold the Pack to field goals, I think they got a solid shot, but not likely. Some keys to the game besides the obvious: Punch and offensive lineman at bottom of the pile instead of stomping on them, as your less likely to be seen. Tell Rodgers he’s not that tall as you thought he was,  as he gets pissed and sulks when hearing that. Also, tell him that Papa John’s is better than pizza hut. Have Leshore and Fairley prepare the Packers pre game meal:  Score: Bratwurst and Kraut 34 Footstompers 24

I do want to say that I enjoy the Packer Ranter website and Twitter page, even though the Lions get ripped (usually it's deserved), I respect the heck out of the Packers, my fantasy team loves Mr. Rodgers, and Charles Woodson went to the real U of M and is one of my all time favorite players. Best of luck. I am very very jealous of the franchise that you get to root for and call your favorite team.-Motown Milton

Personally, I think Milton killed this interview. I'd like to thank him for his time and his thoughtful responses to these very serious and important questions. He has some questions for me that I will answer before the next Packers/Lions game. It's nice to know that even though we will be on opposite sides of the cheering fence today, we can always be united in our disdain for Vikings fans (Sorry, Tonka Tina) and Bears fans. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Every Single Packer Item I Own

In the last month or so, we’ve been contacted to potentially be cast in shows about die-hard Packer fans. You know the ones – Packer tattoos, body painted in green and gold, entire man caves dedicated to the Packers, ticket stubs from every home game for the last twenty years, etc. While I have almost no interest of being cast in one of these shows, this got me thinking – in a Doctor Evil voice – what makes a die-hard fan? I consider myself die-hard, but compared to these types of Packer fans, I probably come across as a very casual.

So out of curiosity, I ransacked my place, looking for every single Packer item I own. It took longer than I thought. Once everything was collected, I busted out my DROID RAZR M and its 8 megapixel camera with LED flash and 1080 HD video capability for a shot. The good people at Verizon and Motorola have put enough into this camera that I have no qualms about selling my digital camera on eBay. Also, that “snap” sound in each shot is awesome. Makes you want to keep taking pictures. I took a ton of pictures, but felt the one that showed everything was most impactful. What you see here is every Packer item I have accumulated since I can remember.
 
I Own 16 Packer Things. Not Bad.
1. A Cheesehead. The staple of Packer fans worldwide. Given to me by a generous family member last year. Side note: Did you know the first ever Cheesehead was cut from couch cushions and then painted? True story.

2. Aaron Rodgers jersey. Supposedly it’s an authentic jersey although I have my doubts. If it’s a knock off, it’s a beautifully stitched knock off. Bought this a couple years ago in a wholesale purchase order with some other people. I’ve worn it to one game – the one where Favre beat us at Lambeau. Not a good day. My bad, people. I will probably give it away this year in a contest since I'm not much of a jersey guy.

3. ACME Packers hat. When these things were scorching-hot commodities, good friend Franklin Hillside was kind enough to surprise me with this at a game we attended. Thanks, buddy!

4 & 5. The Home and Away #12 Championship Belt Buckles. Very special items, as I designed them myself and had them manufactured. These will likely be passed down. Related note: I had a gorgeous Roger Maris rookie card I sold to help pay for the costs of creating. No regrets.

6. Standard “G” winter cap. I somehow ended up with this but if belonged to my dad. Thanks, Pop!

7. Vintage Packers sticker from the 60s. Again, what’s become somewhat of an annual tradition of exchanging Packers items, this is yet another gem gifted to me from Franklin Hillside.

8. Lambeau Field Framed Stadium print. I won employee of the quarter (that's quarter, people, not just month) and was awarded a sweet gift card to the Packers Pro Shop. I used it to help purchase this beauty, which proudly hangs in my basement.

9. ACME Packers hat. There’s so much cool stuff at the Pro Shop that I purchased this hat along with the print. It’s my favorite hat. Period.

10. Throwback Clay Matthews shirt. Impulse purchase I’ve now worn enough that holes are starting to appear. I wore this when I met Tom Crabtree for TBWI and was offered $50 and a 6th round pick for it at a fantasy football draft. Not happening, Brew City Blasters.

11. 80's Packers mug. This is my go-to coffee cup on Sunday mornings for the last few years. Like #6, I somehow ended up with it from my parents. Shhh....

12. Got Driver? shirt. This was the first Packer gift I ever received from Franklin in 2008 I believe. DD was my favorite player for a looooong time and I probably talked about him a little too much. I wore this shirt to the game against SF when #80 had the catch of his career. I ripped open my coat and stuck out my chest like Superman to the crowd. One of my all-time favorite moments at Lambeau. Here’s the catch.

13. Packers mug. Great for the morning commute given to me by my parents for X-Mas. Dishwasher safe, which is always nice.

14. Packers mug. I bought some hot chocolate for a pretty young lady who I took to a game in ’08. I was going to toss the cup when she was finished but she wanted to keep it. Never thought it would hold up as long as it has. Kudos, pretty young lady.

15. Packers zip-up fleece. Gift from my parents last year. I wear this to work a lot and get compliments galore. Nice pickup, Mom.

16. Packers pajama pants. They’re almost Zubas-like in their sweetness and comfortableness. Wear these often in the winter. Gift from a family member.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention this one on my pooch, Maggie, aka the “Orange Nipper” aka the “Hairy Beastmaster.” Note the Packers collar, given to me by a friend.
 
The Hairy Beastmaster. Representing.
There it is – 16/17 things – not that much, perhaps, but more than I thought it would be. It’s hard to believe that 11 of these were given to me, 4 were purchased and I created the other 2. Interesting mix. And while it’s a decent amount of Packer items, I’m guessing most of you have more – maybe even much more.

Like I said, I believe I'm as die-hard Packer fan as anyone I know. I may not have a Packers stock certificate or a green leather couch, but I've been to 20+ games and experience each and every game and season with the same roller coaster of emotion as you do. Perhaps it’s a testament to my Packer pride with all the gifts I’ve received over the years. It’s a pretty safe bet.

So whether you have 2 or 20 or 200 things, whether you spend $20 or $2000 or more, to me, being a die-hard Packer fan comes down to how hard you cheer and how loyal you are no matter what the score. And if you couldn’t imagine rooting for another team other than the Packers, you’re probably die-hard.

Oh yeah, I also have a Packers website. Make that 18.

Disclosure: I am participating in the Verizon Wireless Midwest Fans program and have been provided with a wireless device and five months of service in exchange for my honest opinions about the product.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Emperor and Vice Emperor of Football Viewing and Gameday Experiences

Good morning. I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this message today. In this election year, we know you have many important choices to make, both on a national and local level. We are here to ask you to make another important choice, the choice for who you want to represent you in one of the most important offices in the land. Who do you want to be the Emperor and Vice Emperor of Football Viewing and Gameday Experiences? As far as we can tell, we are the only two interested in this position, so your decision shouldn't be difficult.



Because everyone should be an informed voter, we have prepared a 52 page Matthewfesto, laying out the tenets, goals, and beliefs of our campaign. To summarize this, we have laid out just a few of them below. Please take a look. We feel that these items will keep all Football Viewing and Gameday Experiences moving forward in a positive direction. If, and when, you have time, we encourage you to read the full document.
  1. No Packer games will ever go unseen.  In every area of the U.S. including its territories, the game shall always be on local TV.
  2. Wisconsin cheese will not be taxed, lost revenue from this will be gained by doubling tax on all California cheese.
  3. Fans at Lambeau who yell, "Sit down" or "Down in front" or some form thereof, will be disappeared from their seats and placed in the DOME.
  4. Dallas will be stripped of the title "America's Team".
  5. Bratwurst will be the Official National Sausage. Kraut the Official National Condiment.
  6. Wayne Larrivee will be appointed press secretary. Daggers will be plentiful.
  7. The term "tailgating" will not be allowed to describe whatever it is Vikings fans do before games because it certainly is not tailgating.
  8. Ted Thompson will be raised to level of "Most Venerable Director of Green and Gold Greatness", a name more befitting of a man of his stature.
  9. Seattle will be changed to a win because it's the right thing to do.
  10. All tailgating will be a Red Zone...in that it will be a communist state. We, as Packer fans, know the importance of sharing sauerkraut, blood Marys, bratwurst, beer, and cheese. There will be no classes, no money, no hierarchy, there will be enough for all, and all will prosper.
  11. We will work tirelessly with New Glarus Brewing to convince them to allow their glorious libations to be available in places other than just Wisconsin.
  12. Go, Pack. 
Thank you for your consideration, and remember, Hillside-Greenfield for Emperor and Vice Emperor of Football Viewing and Gameday Experiences. Cheese you can BELIEVE IN.

 
This message has been paid for by Cheeseheads for Prosperity and Kraut.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

2nd Jay Cutler Cat Picture - Found!!

Our last Jay Cutler cat pic we revealed to the world went over so well that at the time, we immediately sent our team of interns in search for another. It took over two years of exhaustive searching, but I’m ecstatic to report that one of our Midwest interns, Lenny, unearthed this beauty at a Goodwill near Naperville.

Congratulations to Lenny, who will receive a personal tour of Robert’s GOIBER, a ½ pound of Franklin’s homemade cheese curds, 10% of our ad revenue generated this month, as well as bragging rights at the Packer Ranter, Inc. annual holiday party in December.

Say what you want about Cutler, folks, but he’s quite the animal lover.

Any comments or captions are welcome below.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

It Sounds Like The Packers Need a Pep Talk


Via Packer Report's Twitter machine, I saw the following little ditty from Coach McCarthy from his press conference.  (@PackerReport is a great follow if you enjoy using the Tweeter.)

Well, last I checked, when you score more points than your opponent, it counts in the "win" column. Sure enough, the NFC North standings reflect this assumption. Sure, it wasn't exactly pretty, but when you are down nine starters, and you lose two more, you can't always look pretty like this.

It sounded to me like the Packers need a little pick me up.

"Now as Coach Mike probably told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a motivational speaker."

"So, let me give you a little scenario about what my life is all about. First up, I am 35. I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river."

"You there, what position do you play?"

Tim Masthay: "Well, actually, Matt, I kind of always wanted to be a QB."

"Well, la-dee-freakin'-dah! We got ourselves a QB here. Hey, Coach Mike, I can't see too good. Is that Bartholomew Starr over there?"

Mike McCarthy: "...."

"Now from what I hear, you're using your arm not for punting but for throwing footballs. You're going to be throwing a lot of footballs when you're living in van down by the river!!"

"Hey you guys are probably saying to yourselves: I'm gonna go out there and grab the NFL by the tail! and wrap it around and pull it down and put it in my jock strap. Well I'm here to tell you that you're probably going to find out, as you go out there, that you're not going to amount to jack squat!"

"Well, I see one solution! And that is to get my gear and move into Lambeau! We're gonna be buddies! We're gonna be pals! Just me and my buddies!"

{Matt picks up James Jones and swings him around}

"I'm gonna get my gear!"

Mike McCarthy: "Umm...actually, Matt, you don't have to do that."

"I don't really give a rat's behind! I'm moving in! I'm tired of living in a van down by the river!!"

Now, I'm not sure if this little pep talk will work, but I do know that this poor coffee table was never heard from again:



Wednesday, October 24, 2012

No More Chat Rooms for this Guy

I met him in an online chat room for people who like to sit in the dark and talk about Jesus. His screen name was Balthazar the Enlightened and supposedly he lived in Milwaukee and he had three pigs he called “breakfast, lunch and dinner”. I told him that’s pretty funny, but I had to go because I believed I was in the wrong chat room. I was looking for the room for people who like to drink beer and talk about Leroy Butler - totally different. “You don’t want to go to that chat room,” Balthazar told me. “It’s for sissy Packer fans who hate their lives. Stay here...with me.”

“Well, believe it or not, I actually like my life, Balthazar,” I told him. “And I think that’s extremely RUDE to suggest conversing on the merits of one of the greatest strong safeties in NFL history is for sissies. Did you know Butler was a five-time All Pro or that he invented the Lambeau Leap? No, you probably didn’t. I could go on and on, but I don’t think a MORON like YOU would understand,” I told him. It was OK to get a little cocky in the chat rooms, I thought. Per my chatroom protocol, I had turned on private browsing so he couldn’t track me down and harm me if I happened to strike that particular nerve in Balthazar the Enlightened’s body that would motivate him to do so. Of course, that would never happen, but you have to be careful. You never know with these Internet freaks.

I waited for his response. Nothing. Then, finally, he sent me a message. It was a series of numbers: 66.195.141.3. What the hell? Some coded Bible verse? Wait, was that my ISP address!? Before I could check, I received another message – this time a shortened link. I clicked on it and a new Internet page opened. Here I expected some profane picture but instead it redirected me toward a Google page...and wait a minute, it was a Google map…of my house!!! This pyscho had tracked me down!!

"10… 9… 8….” He wrote. It was at this point I ripped my computer and any attached cords out of the wall. I quickly shut off all the lights and then sat by my front door with a baseball bat for the next 12 hours.

And that was the story of my last chat room experience.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

We Got a Phone. 'Cause We Got a Blog.

“These guys are NFL bloggers!” said Jim, introducing us to his group of friends we had never met before. At this point, Franklin and I just look at each other as in “Did he just…? F#ck.”

I can’t speak for other “bloggers,” but although the Ranter is part of our lives, it’s not something we identify ourselves with – certainly not primarily (lest we would’ve attended TBWII – ah, sweet regrets). In fact, we rarely talk about the Ranter – even with each other (think a weekly “Hey, you Ranting this week?” or “Nice Rant.” or “I can’t think of anything to Rant about. Any ideas?”)

After a couple seconds of uncomfortable silence while this registered, someone asked, “What team do you blog about?”

“The Packers!” said Jim the Helpful. Smirks all around. Franklin and I are silent. We’ve been through this before. That is, having to defend our site against all the stereotypes and implications that come with the label of “blogger.” “So, you live in your parents’ basements?” is usually the underlying thought.

“I wouldn’t call it a blog. We do creative posts once in a while that are Packer-related. What are you guys drinking?” I asked, trying to propel the conversation elsewhere. But these people weren’t having it. They were too intrigued by the idea that two, dare I say “normal” guys “blogged” about the Packers.

“So you like, analyze the Packers?” A girl asked, causing us both to burst out laughing. “No. Not at all actually,” Franklin said. “Then what do you write about?” she asked. “I don’t know – the last one I did was substituting the lyrics of ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ by Billy Joel with names of the Packers players. Franklin just wrote about this dream he had. It’s like the Matrix - no one can be told what it is. You have to see it for yourself,” I responded.

Major confusion at this point, to which both Franklin and I could not have cared any less. We have no desire to sell the Ranter to anyone or even explain it properly for that matter. It is what it is and we have fun with it. We will, however, sometimes get very feisty if someone just can’t leave it alone. And that’s exactly what was about to happen as I looked over to see Sassypants McGee yucking it up.

This time, Jim did turn out to be helpful as he explained to them that we were deemed special enough for to be sponsored. “Yeah, show them your phones,” he insisted. This got them to shut up. “Alright, Jim, I will. See, the good folks at Verizon Wireless gave us these phones – the new Droid Razr Maxx – with unlimited plans. They just ask that we try them out and mention them once in a while. Hell, I’ll probably write about this next week. This could be a post.”

At this point, I felt the need to drive home how sweet these phones actually were/are. And the situation could not have been better. In about a two seconds, I was able to pull up the Packer Ranter (thank you, 4G LTE network!). “Here, pass it around, I’m gonna grab some beers,” I said. “Look at that screen!” I heard as I was walking away, feeling a little better about myself.

Franklin and I, NFL bloggers? That’s damn right.

Disclosure: I am participating in the Verizon Wireless Midwest Fans program and have been provided with a wireless device and five months of service in exchange for my honest opinions about the product.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

We Didn't Pick the Packers (Your 2012 Green Bay Packers)

To be sung in same rhythm of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” Folks, it works. Don’t believe me? Sing it out loud wherever you are at the top of your lungs.

Editor’s note: Based on total syllable count of the lyrics, relative player public awareness and other considerations I’m not going to mention, not all active roster Packers were included. I still love you Don Barclay and Jerron McMillian. Also, if the rosters were three times as big, I could’ve kept this puppy going as long as the original song.


We Didn't Pick the Packers (Your 2012 Green Bay Packers)

Mason Crosby, Jarrett Bush, Nick Perry, Lattimore,
Jeff Saturday, Josh Sitton, Evan Dietrich-Smith

Mike McCarthy, Charles Woodson, Erik Walden, Casey Hayward,
Greg Jennings, MD Jennings, Bryan Bulaga

Graham Harrell, Sam Shields, Brett Goode, D.J. Smith,
James Jones, Jerel Worthy, Jermichael Finley

Aaron Rodgers, Alex Green, Lambeau’s got some new seats,
Donald Driver, Jordy Nelson, Joe Philbin goodbye

We didn’t pick the Packers
It was Mark and Mike
And that guy named Ted
We didn’t pick the Packers
No, we didn’t choose them
But we’re cheering for them

Dezmond Moses, Brandon Saine, Masthay and Raji
Ryan Taylor, Ryan Pickett, Robert Francois

John Kuhn, Tom Crabtree, DJ Williams, James Starks,
Clay, Cobb, Hawk, House, Favre nowhere to been found

Daniels, Brad Jones, we’re still playoff bound
Marshall Newhouse, Richardson, CJ Wilson, Atrium

Burnett, Benson, Terrell Manning, Tramon,
TJ Lang, Kevin Greene, Bishop tore his hamstring!

We didn’t pick the Packers
It was Mark and Mike
And that guy named Ted
We didn’t pick the Packers
No, we didn’t choose them
But we’re cheering for them

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Oh-oh, Dreeeeamweaver....



Just woke up from the following dream. This is 100% true:

I was in Indianapolis wandering around a carnival outside Lucas Oil Stadium. I went inside to find my seats. The seats were similar to high school basketball bleachers. There were 10-12 rows.  I went back outside Lucas Oil Stadium to get something to eat. I had a corn dog, and I ran into two buddies from high school. I returned to the stadium and there were many more rows of bleachers that had filled up quickly. I walked along the side of the bleachers, looked up, and saw Colts fans had surrounded two Packers fans who were screaming, "Go, Pack. Go!" It looked like it was going to get ugly, but for some reason I joined them (Apparently, I'm brave). One Packer fan looked at me and said, "The same thing happened to me." I looked down, and I was wearing a Colts' Peyton Manning jersey. I walked back to the carnival to try to find some Packers gear. I lied to a carny and said I would come back and play skeeball. I came to another carny letting people into an escalator to the rides that were upstairs (This seems unsafe). I told him I needed to get to the other side of the stadium to buy something at the store (I had miraculously been transported back inside). I got to other side of stadium incredibly quickly. I began looking through the Packers items, I remarked to a fellow Packer fan that there was a surprising amount of Packers gear for an opposing teams' stadium. He agreed, and said, "We travel well." The only item that I liked was a women's Rodgers t-shirt. I debated purchasing it, thinking if I bought a big enough size, no one would know. The store was on the 2nd level and overlooked the field, which was strangely small, only 75 yards long. The game suddenly started at 11:00 a.m., I hadn't realized Indianapolis was on Mountain Standard time. The Colts were driving. Somehow Andrew Luck threw a pass to one of the Colts' cheerleaders, which she caught because no one was covering her (Packers must have been playing zone). She was running the wrong way down the field. A Colts' coach ran on the field and stripped the ball from her. Turnover on downs. Packers ball, somehow on their end of the field. Cedric Benson scored a touchdown the next play.

I woke up to my dog staring me in the face. I ran to my computer to document my dream for posterity.

What does the dream mean?

Rereading it...I say it means Packers win by at least 67 points. Go Pack!

The Temptation of the Ranter


A couple weeks ago, Robert and I received a cryptic email asking if we would take part in a top secret communicator assessment program. The only catch? Travel deep into enemy territory and retrieve said communication device. How deep? The heart of the Windy City, that's how deep. In addition, there were numerous other perks that were hinted at, as well. Travel, accommodations....and tickets to a Chicago Bears game. Obviously, our Admiral Ackbar alarms began sounding at a deafening tone. Who would offer this to us? 1) We're Packers bloggers with, frankly, limited talent and an odd sense of humor, 2) we have a minor following, and 3) the Bears. Really? After an intense debate, we warily accepted the offer to join this program.

Saturday, I arrived at our downtown hotel and found Robert enjoying his patented VooDews in his well-appointed room. We ventured out and watched some college football at a cliched Irish Pub, but left at a reasonable hour as we were to be collected at the hotel at 9:00 a.m. In the lobby we were greeted by several other bloggers and our hosts, who were adorned in full Bears paraphernalia. We were pilgrims in an un-holy land. In an effort to prepare ourselves for the sea of navy and orange that we were about to drown in, we partook freely in the ample supply of PBR tallboys while taking the shuttle to So...Sold...Soldier Field. (It's still hard for me to say, I'll just go with "venue" from now on.) When we arrived at the venue, we were whisked to the United Club Buffet...it was glorious. Waffles and omelettes made to order, prime rib, grilled paninis, cheese trays, meat trays, desserts, a nacho bar, a hot dog bar, bloody Mary bar with more fixin's than you could fit in a 32 oz Big Gulp, smoked salmon, oysters, crab, shrimp cocktail, and servers with a ceaseless supply of Boddington's. We even got a chance to have a beer with twitter celebrity @ChicagoBearJew. (Good guy despite his team preference)

Shortly before kickoff we made our way to our seats. The club level seating area's couches and carpeted floors, food and drink stands with minimal lines, clean restrooms, and over abundance of TVs felt more like someone's home than a pro football venue. It was definitely more luxury than anticipated at an NFL game. Our seats were great (for a non-Lambeau venue). Too great.

I started wondering how we ended up here, it ate at me all through the game, and well into our post-game reveling. As I took a bite of the greatest meatball slider ever made at The Purple Pig, it dawned on me...this was all a plot to turn us into stark, raving Bears fans. Robert and I discussed this and agreed that it could be the only rational explanation. I thought that best course of action was to abandon the program and head to O'Hare immediately escaping with our lives and our Packer fanhood intact, we would never stoop so low as to root for the Bears. Robert, however, has always believed in the "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" mantra. He convinced me that we would remain in the program, use the communication device provided, and gather information on our enemies to the south.

The next day we received our communicators...and, I have to say, they are pretty impressive. We are continuing to explore the features...but rest assured Packers fans, all the while we are monitoring the Bears fans from afar.


Disclosure: I am participating in the Verizon Wireless Midwest Fans program and have been provided with a wireless device and five months of service in exchange for my honest opinions about the product.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Never Tell Me the Odds

Last year, Franklin and I hit up the Las Vegas of the Fox Cities (Oneida Bingo and Casino in Green Bay). The casino was simply hopping. It was, after all, the night before the 2011 NFL opener between the Packers and the Saints. There were even celebrities there, including Big Papi (true story), who had about ten seconds of public facetime before he and his entourage were escorted to a closed-off casino area I’ll probably never experience.

Once we navigated the buzzing, whirring, seizure-inducing lightshow spectacular known as slot machine row, we were able to find two open seats at a modest blackjack table. We cashed in a couple Andrew Jacksons a piece (thanks, Google!), set our bets and were dealt. Now, when I’m gambling at casinos, the last thing I like to do is to offer unsolicited advice to others. However, that didn’t stop the massholes next to us who were visibly irked at us as soon as we sat down.

“You want to split that,” the skinny one with the goatee and matching bracelets said regarding my two sixes. “The dealer’s also showing a six – it’s a bust card.” “Yeah, I know that but you want me to split sixes?” I asked. “The odds tell you too.” Nothing rang a bell, yet I conceded to his “authority.” This was naturally followed by a bust on one of my hands and the dealer beating me on the other with twenty. Things went on like this for the next few minutes, and when the chubby man in the warmup suit finally informed Franklin he “took his card,” we decided to cash out and try another area of the casino.

Having conquered more than a few video games in our day and now being devoid of douche-canoes telling us what to do, video poker seemed like an ideal choice. (I’ve also read payouts are about as close to even as you can get - they’d probably know more here.) But we could not seem to catch a break, no matter how many credits we played, no matter how many times I blew on the coins, and no matter how hard I asserted my telekinesis for a royal flush. It was (John) maddening.

With virtually no money left, we ended up at the lowest common denominator of both strategy and casino gambler pride: nickel slot machines. Even more embarrassing, we had to wait for the Piggly Wiggly Super Savers Club to finally leave to catch their bus. They had been “hogging the area for hours,” a crusty but benign senior in a Gilbert Brown jersey informed us.

With a mere five dollars left, we were just going to hit “max credits” on every spin and get the hell out of there. But something happened: we began winning. Ten, twenty, fifty – even one hundred credits at a time. What was going on? We had seemingly done all the right things back at blackjack and poker, yet here we were in a game almost completely devoid of strategy, recouping our losses and even venturing into the black.

So where am I going with all of this? Probably nowhere, but I’ll try anyway. Last year, the Packers were on one of the hottest streaks of all time but their formula turned out to be too top-heavy to sustain. This year, we’ve run into a little more than bad luck. And now it seems all I hear are the odds – the odds of an 0-1 team winning their division, the odds the Packers have of making playoffs after losing to Seattle. You know what? Never tell me the odds. Because even though the odds are currently against us, I’m as optimistic as ever because I see a team perfecting its balance. We’ve seen glimpses of the offensive dominance of 2011 – now complete with a running game! – as well as a quietly, perhaps significantly improved defense. If I’m putting money down on anything going forward, I’m not only betting on the Packers, but I’m also doubling down. I believe we’re going to find ways to win – however ugly or by chance it may appear.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Unique Packers Items Available As We Speak

Garage sales. They are both interesting and terrifying, and sometimes at the same location. I’ve been to enough to know that before venturing into the great unknown of your neighbor’s hoarding habits, you always should bring with you two things. 1) Enough cash to pounce on that vintage pinball machine you thought you’d never come across again B) More Purrell than necessary to sanitize the Duggars.

Just as interesting, and certainly potentially as terrifying, is the phenomenon known as Craigslist. And while one certainly should be very selective when meeting someone through this site (public places, people!), once in a while, you can really get lucky. To save you time, I already went virtual garage sale shopping and wanted to bring to your attention some unique Packer items. Note: I am not receiving any sort of compensation from these listings (though I am not above that either if anyone is interested down the road;).

One of the first beauties I came across was this timeless Packers crock pot for just $25 (at the moment). I would love to try and sell you on its features and benefits, but the poster does such a great job I’ll let “Curt’s” words do the talking.

“Awesome! Great Rival crock pot with two heat settings (low and hi). The coolest part - it is adorned with the Green Bay Packers logos!!! Great for Packer Parties, Packer game day meals, or taking to the office on game day! Show your fan spirit for the Pack!!! The crock pot is in very good condition and works just fine!”

BAM. See what I mean? I totally agree that without the Packers logos, it’s just your average-looking crock pot from the 90s. But with the logos, baby, it’s simply awesome. Hell, you could inspire an entire man cave from that design. Maybe I will…

Speaking of interior design, why not spruce up your walls with these gorgeous, coordinating oil paintings? Best suited for those with an equally unbridled passion for Favre and the American bald eagle, these dual beauties measure almost as tall as a wooden ruler (shown) and are available at the economical price of $545 dollars each directly from the artist – no middle man here, treasure hunters.


Like most pieces of art, these painting probably have to be appreciated in person for the full effect. The only problem is the creepy basement you’re going to have to venture into to view them. And hey, what’s that séance-looking candle all about? On second thought, you may want to pass and/or alert the local authorities. “Yeah…

Next, I found something that really knocked my socks off as far as uniqueness and vintage appeal is concerned. The owner of this “full-sized bed with rounded corners” in “fantastic condition” claims that it once belonged to Charlie Mathys. You see, the owner of the house purchased Mathys’s former home and was left with the contents - awesome. Who’s Charlie Mathys, you ask? (I know I did.) Oh, he’s only the first Packers quarterback to beat the Bears back in 1925. Yeah, turns out he was inducted into the Packers Hall of Fame in 1977 along with some guy named Bart Starr. So, nothing special apparently, which is why the bed is only going for $500 OBO. (No word on whether the mattress and quilt come with though.)

 
Finally, this item caught my attention simply for the description alone: “Man’s Box for Jewelry Green Bay Packers w/Free GB Watch” ($40). I have never seen a Man’s Box before. In fact, I didn’t even know they existed, but low and behold, this Man’s Box has “two levels”. That two freaking levels, people! I don’t know exactly what the means, but I know two levels on a Man’s Box has got to be better than one. But wait, there’s more... As “Ray” explains, his Man Box is made of real wood (heyo!) and is also velvet lined (again, heyo!). You know what, I’m not even going to show you the picture in the listing and leave this one up to your imagination.
 
But I do get it, people. Times are tough and money is tight. So if these gems I picked out for you don’t exactly blow your hair back, the interwebs is all yours. There are still a lot of gems out there, I've read somewhere a guy won some great sports memorabilia against some dude while playing poker, apparently the guy ran out of cash and opted to bet one of his collections. That would have been a good bargain if you're good at the game, might wanna start reading some tips from sites like this and look for fellow collectors to play against, and hope that a good collectible item will come it's way to the tables, while you're holding a winning hand, of course. Happy treasure hunting, Packer fans.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Blame Should Be Placed at the Foot of the Hut(t)



After only registering six interceptions last year, Aaron Rodgers already has two in two games this season. I’m far from a mathlete, as excessive amounts of numbers frighten me, but I believe that projects out to sixteen I-N-Ts over the course of the regular season. Having watched ol’ #4 under center, sixteen interceptions doesn’t seem like much, but for Mr. Discount Double-Check, this number is astronomical.

My Spidey sense tells me something is off.

I went back and watched Rodgers’ two interceptions and the several throws that probably should have been interceptions except for the simple fact that the reason defensive players are on defense, is because they can’t catch the ball. After six long minutes of analysis, my razor-sharp football mind still couldn’t break it down and figure out what the heck Rodgers was doing. The interceptions looked like Rodgers was trying to throw directly to the defenders. Inconceivable!

Frustrated, I leaned back in my chair, removed my glasses, and rubbed the bridge of nose…I stared at the ceiling of my film room, and let the gametape (Okay, DVR, but game tape sounds so much cooler) run. Coincidentally, the new Pizza Hut commercial with Rodgers and two chums hanging in his man cave came on. This being the 100th time I had been subject to said piece of advertising, I merely glanced at the TV and resumed staring off into space. The inane banter of two morons planning to live in Rodgers’ man cave continued on. I reached for the remote, convinced I would find the answer to Rodgers’ issues with one more viewing. One last glance at the fire engine red, mancave set, and I hit rewind…

…god, those commercials are offensively red. They hurt the eyes. I couldn’t imagine spending all that time on set to film them; it would damage your eyesi…

Oh, no. It can’t be…has Pizza Hut, a Plano, Texas based company, succeeded where NFL defenses have not? Has the pizza (if you can call it that) chain affected Rodgers’ ability to avoid costly interceptions by damaging his eyesight? Scoff if you will, but Plano, Texas is a part of the Dallas/Ft. Worth urban sprawl, where some team with a big star on their helmet makes their home.

Fine. It was a stretch to blame the Cowboys, but my amateur ophthalmological diagnosis says that the obnoxious, glaring, soul-stealing, red color of the sets on Rodgers' Pizza Hut commercials have damaged QB1’s eyesight. I am holding Pizza Hut responsible for Rodgers’ uncharacteristic performances. I strongly recommend the Packers’ attorneys have the restaurant chain: 1) cover all his, what are sure to be extensive, eyeball repair costs, 2) investigate Jerry Jones’ relationship with the company, and 3) cease claiming their namesake is actually pizza. Okay, that last one is actually just mine.

As Packer fans, we can only hope that Rodgers’ offseason diet precluded him from actually consuming a “Big Box,” otherwise we will soon be discussing his unfortunate and tragic gastrointestinal maladies, rather than just his optic injuries.

Did you know Old Spice burns armpits? Groin injury for #85? I’m not so sure anymore….
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