Monday, July 30, 2012

2.5 Seconds in Heaven

I was trying to work on Friday, but due to uncontainable excitement for the 2012 Packers' season, I ended bumbling around on Twitter following training camp updates. While sifting through the journalist updates and the obligatory fan reaction, I noticed the following tweet from Tyler Dunne at the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:
It seems Mike McCarthy has more than a passing interest in getting his QBs to get rid of the ball before some 300 lb behemoth decides they would like to use them as a landing pad. I'm not sure of your feelings on this, but I completely agree with Mike McCarthy on this point. However, my purpose here is not to point out my instances of agreeing with Coach McCarthy. If that was the case, it would be fairly uninteresting, (it might be anyway) since I tend to side with him on most everything...except the dive play to John Kuhn, but I digress.

Tyler Dunne's tweet actually got me thinking about 2.5 seconds, specifically, what I could do in that time. In true obsessive fashion, I made a list, a list that follows here:

  • Eat one small can of Frank's Kraut (undrained).
  • List all the Vikings Super Bowl victories.
  • Visit any sports betting sites to find the Packers as favorites
  • Stand up at Lambeau before someone behind me yells, "Down in front!" or "Sit down!"
  • Pay attention to a Bears fan talk about Jay Cutler and/or Brandon Marshall.
  • Ride the mechanical bull outside Stadium View...oh wait, that was Robert.
  • Shop at the Pro Shop before something is in my basket and I'm yelling THIS.
  • Think about Tracy White before I smile a sad, nostalgic smile.
  • Type: "Kuuuuuuuuuuuhn!" and hit "Send".
  • Listen to someone discuss Brett Favre without thinking about what a cool name Lorenzo is. In fact, it might be the key to the reconciliation everyone is clamoring for. #4 should start referring to himself as Lorenzo, it's hard to be angry at a Lorenzo.
  • Read a Detroit police blotter before seeing a Detroit Lion on it.
  • Drink enough New Glarus Moon Man to make me forget everything that I had been worrying or upset about. Very small amount needed.
  • Listen to someone after they say, "We should start the wave."
  • Be awake in Green Bay the day after a Packer game before I think, "What happened last night?"
  • Drink a bloody Mary before taking a bite of the pickle.
  • Eat 7.5 fresh cheese curds. 12.75 fried cheese curds. (the grease helps them slide down faster)
  • Spend time in Kroll's before being transported back in time....not sure to what era, but it's fascinating. I keep expecting to run into Marty and Doc Brown.
  • Drive on Highway 29, east or west, before my active brain capacity shuts down and I'm running on auto-pilot.
  • Listen to negative fans incessantly complain about the Packers. Life's too short.
Fairly certain, there are many other things I can do in 2.5 seconds, I'll be happy to try them if you feeling like suggesting....I think my insurance is current.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Monday, July 23, 2012

Employers: Never Hire Based on Looks Alone

Have you ever been watched while you slept?

Do you receive text message every ten minutes wondering where you are and who you are with?

Have you ever received an unsolicited call from your bank confirming a request for joint checking accounts?

No? Then you’ve probably never gotten involved with your cute intern from Iowa you hired based on those Glamour Shots she sent along with her pink resume. Make sure it stays that way, people.

My lawyer has advised me not to get into the details, but let’s just say I will probably never trust any girl named Shantelle nor will I look at banana pudding the same way again. Until I can recover emotionally and financially, my plans for the nation’s first Telekinesis Camp for Aspiring Jedis and Anyone Else Interested (TCAJAEI) are on hold.

So for now, I’ll be focusing on something that has always brought me joy - the Green Bay Packers. Looking around the internets, I can already tell journalists and bloggers alike have been overlooking some quality Packers material. Be sure to check back once in a while as I’ll try to get to those hidden gems you’ve come to expect from Ranter, including but not limited to, the progression of Tim Masthay’s thigh circumference from puberty to professional (hint: it’s exponential) or the nutrition facts of Stadium View’s cheese curds (not that that’s going to stop anyone from consuming mass quantities!). As always, suggestions are welcome in the comments.

Go Pack and remember: $19.95 doesn’t just buy a background check – it buys peace of mind.
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