Monday, September 17, 2012

Blame Should Be Placed at the Foot of the Hut(t)

After only registering six interceptions last year, Aaron Rodgers already has two in two games this season. I’m far from a mathlete, as excessive amounts of numbers frighten me, but I believe that projects out to sixteen I-N-Ts over the course of the regular season. Having watched ol’ #4 under center, sixteen interceptions doesn’t seem like much, but for Mr. Discount Double-Check, this number is astronomical.

My Spidey sense tells me something is off.

I went back and watched Rodgers’ two interceptions and the several throws that probably should have been interceptions except for the simple fact that the reason defensive players are on defense, is because they can’t catch the ball. After six long minutes of analysis, my razor-sharp football mind still couldn’t break it down and figure out what the heck Rodgers was doing. The interceptions looked like Rodgers was trying to throw directly to the defenders. Inconceivable!

Frustrated, I leaned back in my chair, removed my glasses, and rubbed the bridge of nose…I stared at the ceiling of my film room, and let the gametape (Okay, DVR, but game tape sounds so much cooler) run. Coincidentally, the new Pizza Hut commercial with Rodgers and two chums hanging in his man cave came on. This being the 100th time I had been subject to said piece of advertising, I merely glanced at the TV and resumed staring off into space. The inane banter of two morons planning to live in Rodgers’ man cave continued on. I reached for the remote, convinced I would find the answer to Rodgers’ issues with one more viewing. One last glance at the fire engine red, mancave set, and I hit rewind…

…god, those commercials are offensively red. They hurt the eyes. I couldn’t imagine spending all that time on set to film them; it would damage your eyesi…

Oh, no. It can’t be…has Pizza Hut, a Plano, Texas based company, succeeded where NFL defenses have not? Has the pizza (if you can call it that) chain affected Rodgers’ ability to avoid costly interceptions by damaging his eyesight? Scoff if you will, but Plano, Texas is a part of the Dallas/Ft. Worth urban sprawl, where some team with a big star on their helmet makes their home.

Fine. It was a stretch to blame the Cowboys, but my amateur ophthalmological diagnosis says that the obnoxious, glaring, soul-stealing, red color of the sets on Rodgers' Pizza Hut commercials have damaged QB1’s eyesight. I am holding Pizza Hut responsible for Rodgers’ uncharacteristic performances. I strongly recommend the Packers’ attorneys have the restaurant chain: 1) cover all his, what are sure to be extensive, eyeball repair costs, 2) investigate Jerry Jones’ relationship with the company, and 3) cease claiming their namesake is actually pizza. Okay, that last one is actually just mine.

As Packer fans, we can only hope that Rodgers’ offseason diet precluded him from actually consuming a “Big Box,” otherwise we will soon be discussing his unfortunate and tragic gastrointestinal maladies, rather than just his optic injuries.

Did you know Old Spice burns armpits? Groin injury for #85? I’m not so sure anymore….

1 comment:

  1. A_Lerxst_in_PackerlandSeptember 17, 2012 at 8:15 PM

    Hmmmmm...I find your conspiracy-laden rantings to be oddly compelling...

    Obviously, what's called for here is intensive green-and-gold color therapy to counteract those garish PH sets. This place ought to be quite beneficial:


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