Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The Perfect Life...


My name is Robert Greenfield. We’ve probably never met and chances are you have no idea who I am. I’m nobody famous. I’m never in the news nor am I a wildly successful buinessman. And the one independent movie I played a werewolf, my scenes were cut. In fact, I’m probably a lot like you.

But what I have to say could change your life – for the better. I’m going to show you how you could start living your dream life…

Before I get into that, I want to tell you a little more about myself. Some of it I’m not proud of, but I want to be perfectly honest with you.

First and foremost, I’m not very motivated. I’ll even admit, sometimes I’m downright lazy. Also, I have a job with very little responsibility – maybe the least responsibility at my company – and yet I still manage to mess it up almost hourly. Sure, I’ve had some good ideas that could have served me well in the business world, but I’ll probably never know since I’m just too lazy, have no follow-through and take aggressive issues with every known type of personality in the workplace.

But I’m the happiest guy I know. And every day I thank my lucky stars to be able to be part of what I am.

In short, I’m a Packer fan.

And that’s exactly what I told my neighbor who asked me what my “secret” was.

And here’s the best part of being a Packer fan….

Other than it’s free…

Other than it’s fun…

It’s incredibly easy!

You can be a Packer fan as much or as little as you want! I know fans that cheer for the Packers half-drunk in their underwear for five minutes a week before their mid-day Sunday naps!

And it’s the best five minutes of their week.

The secret is our unique fan base.

Packer fans are true to their team unlike any other fans in the world. At the end of the day, all they want is an honest effort from their team and a cold one (and maybe a brat or two).

And if you’re even flirting with the idea of becoming part of this special club, I hope I can convince you to take the plunge. I guarantee our fans will welcome you with open arms.

The lifetime of happiness and rewards is more than worth it – just ask my neighbor. Now, all you have to do is say these three words and you’re in – it’s that easy.

If it can work for me and millions others, it can definitely work for you.

Are you ready?

You sure?

Then repeat after me…


On behalf of Packer Nation, we're so glad to have you aboard. Sincerely,

Robert Greenfield
Head Cheese
November, 2012

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Motown Milton Drops By The Ranter

Have I got a treat for you all this fine Sunday morning. I have an exclusive interview with a good friend of the Ranter's fiance. 

What? That doesn't excite you?  

Okay, here's the exciting part, he is a die-hard Detroit Lions fan, and all-around good guy....even though he roots for all feline teams. Without further adieu, I present the Ranter interview with Motown Milton.

1)     You currently live in Florida. How could you leave Michigan? I mean, it has it's own Upper Peninsula (many residents of which are Packer fans).

I moved down here to convert more people to Lions Nation. So far Lions Nation has increased in size. Granted most of the new fans think football is soccer, but I'll take it. Well, it is very similar actually, down here to Michigan.  The one difference is that there is this thing called the sun that shines pretty much every day and when the Lions blow a game to the Titans or get swept by the Vikings, I can look outside at the beach, palm trees, and the Gulf of Mexico and feel some sense of peace. If I was in Michigan still, I’d look outside and see gray clouds, abandoned buildings, and pot-hole filled roads and commiserate about the latest Lions debacle. Also, Florida is a peninsula and has lots of Packer fans around me, granted they all have gray hair and are quite forgetful because of old age. Many still think that guy who is in the Wrangler commercials is your quarterback. On the plus side, the NFC North is well represented down here in Naples. On the down side, that means that there are loads and loads of Bears fans nearby.  One other thing that is really impressive down here ,is that that they have three, count them, threem NFL teams in one state. Their fans are so incredible that they dress up as stadium seats that are the same color as the team. That’s creativity at its finest.

2)     What’s your favorite moment playing against the Packers? (other than when the Packers help Barry Sanders to -1 yard…oh, wait, that’s mine)
Beating Brett Favre 7 out of 10 times at the legendary Pontiac silverdome, and sadly, that’s about it. Winning in Lambeau in 1991 I believe also was nice. What do you feel about Brett Favre going from the Packers to the Vikings? That’s like sac religious isn’t it? At least Barry Sanders just retired, and didn’t go to the pack or vikes. My least favorite moments: 1) Sterling Sharpe left wideeeeeeee open in the 1993 playoff game at the end. How do you leave that player that wide open? I will never know. 2) The Barry Sanders -1 yard playoff game. 3) The loss in Green Bay to make the lions 0-16. 4) Matt expletive Flynn 6 TDs in a must win game to avoid the saints for the lions, when the packers played just backups.
3)     What do you think of Jim Shwartz? Honestly. Sub-question: would he be able to win in a fairly reffed, jello-wrestling match with Jim Harbaugh? (Because Mike McCarthy would destroy him. Fact.)

Jim “The Motor City Madman” Schwartz would destroy Harbaugh. First he would rip that whistle from around his neck, and nail him with one of his epic fist pumps. On a serious note, I think Schwartz was what the franchise needed (Wayne Fontes is still our winningest coach for god's sake) as he brought in a new attitude and helped us end our losing streak in general, on the road, division, and making the playoffs. With that being said, I don’t know if he is the one to take us next level. When your team can’t start a game till the 3rd quarter, has numerous stupid penalties, and gave up four special teams’ TDs in two weeks and didn’t fire the special teams coordinator something needs to be said for that. I like him and his passion and hope he can do it, but not as optimistic as I was last year at this time.
4) What's the best food item at Ford Field? 

Big boy double Decker burger is pretty solid. Two meat patties, cheese, and a thousand island like sauce(people wonder why Michigan isn’t the healthiest state). Also have a nice pulled pork sandwich. As a nice collectable you can get dippin dots in a lions helmet. I am going out on a limb and guess brats at Lambeau?
5) Is every Lion fan required to root for the Decepticons while watching Transformers? 

Yes. Is every DB going up vs. Calvin supposed to make their twitter avatar Optimus prime?
6) Kid Rock, Eminem, Ted Nugent, or Marvin Gaye?  

Old school Kid Rock is awesome. He puts on an amazing concert.  Great job at representing the city of Detroit. However, new country-type Kid Rock, not so sure of. Eminem is very, very solid, and "Lose Yourself" is a phenomenal song to be played at any sporting event before it starts or at a crucial part. If you think about it, "Lose Yourself" really fits with the Lions, as either A, they lose, or B, they lose themselves and commit dumb penalties.  If you haven’t noticed by now, I am a little disappointed in the effort the Lions have put forward this year. No business losing 2x to the Vikes, and should not lose at Tennessee. Last year they beat those teams and even dominated and destroyed the mighty Tebow.
7) Your better half is from Minnesota, and at least tangentially, through the fact that she went to high school where Ragnar works, is a Vikings fan. Have you converted her to Lions fandom yet? If so, congratulations, as there is nothing worse than a Vikings fan, if not....why not?  

Tonka Tina is a lions fan, but still a Vikings fan. She knows more players on the lions by far. She has also been to more lions games in her lifetime which is pretty incredible for a 2 year relationship. However she is “Minnesota nice’ and feels the need to be loyal to all things Minnesota. She does love that Vikings horn, she has Norwegian roots, and as you said knows Ragnar. Those are all things that will be very hard to switch. However, if anyone can make the switch happen, Megatron can do it.  I will disagree with you on one thing, Bears fans are wayyyy worse than Viking fans. The Bear fans act like they have won tons of Super Bowls, when they have won only one. Also they defend Jay cutler, which is ridiculous and think Brandon Marshall is a model citizen. Milton's NFC North power rankings for favorite teams: Footstompers, Bratwurst, Fighting Ponders, Bears (don’t even deserve me thinking of a nickname). My better half aka Tonka Tina power rankings: Vikings, Lions, Pack, Bears. Notice, even someone who isn’t a huge football fan hates the Bears.
8) From Ranter occasional commenter, D the Dragon, we have a one word question: "How?" 

How can I be a lions fan, well it’s a very hard thing to do. They have made me one of the most pessimistic sports fans in the world. I compare the lions to a snow flake and a house of cards. None of their losses are ever the same, and when one of the cards gets slightly touched they crumble faster than the blink of an eye. Now they have been better of late, as they seem to always dig themselves a huge deficit, then have to come back at the end, and as of late more times than not they come all the way back. They never get mentioned in most painful sports franchises but here are some lowlights: ONE ONLY ONE PLAYOFF WIN SINCE 1957, 0-16, they let one of the best running backs ever just retire when he was reasonably still in his prime, they lead the league in off season arrests, never been to a super bowl, oh ya and ONLY ONE PLAYOFF WIN SINCE 1957. However we don’t have Cutler or Tebow on our team, so that’s a plus.
9) What's your prediction for Sunday's game? Mine? Bratwurst and kraut, and a Packers W.
This Lions squad plays best when nobody expects anything from them, and I think it helps the Pack is as banged up as the Lions, and that it is at Ford Field is a big plus, though I am sure Packer nation will be there in full force. I see it being close for awhile but packers pulling away in the 4th. If Jake Locker and Christian Ponder can put up stats against us, I shudder at what Rodgers and Jordy can do. With that being said, I would hope Stafford and Calvin can do some serious damage as well. If the Lions can score TDs in the redzone and hold the Pack to field goals, I think they got a solid shot, but not likely. Some keys to the game besides the obvious: Punch and offensive lineman at bottom of the pile instead of stomping on them, as your less likely to be seen. Tell Rodgers he’s not that tall as you thought he was,  as he gets pissed and sulks when hearing that. Also, tell him that Papa John’s is better than pizza hut. Have Leshore and Fairley prepare the Packers pre game meal:  Score: Bratwurst and Kraut 34 Footstompers 24

I do want to say that I enjoy the Packer Ranter website and Twitter page, even though the Lions get ripped (usually it's deserved), I respect the heck out of the Packers, my fantasy team loves Mr. Rodgers, and Charles Woodson went to the real U of M and is one of my all time favorite players. Best of luck. I am very very jealous of the franchise that you get to root for and call your favorite team.-Motown Milton

Personally, I think Milton killed this interview. I'd like to thank him for his time and his thoughtful responses to these very serious and important questions. He has some questions for me that I will answer before the next Packers/Lions game. It's nice to know that even though we will be on opposite sides of the cheering fence today, we can always be united in our disdain for Vikings fans (Sorry, Tonka Tina) and Bears fans. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Every Single Packer Item I Own

In the last month or so, we’ve been contacted to potentially be cast in shows about die-hard Packer fans. You know the ones – Packer tattoos, body painted in green and gold, entire man caves dedicated to the Packers, ticket stubs from every home game for the last twenty years, etc. While I have almost no interest of being cast in one of these shows, this got me thinking – in a Doctor Evil voice – what makes a die-hard fan? I consider myself die-hard, but compared to these types of Packer fans, I probably come across as a very casual.

So out of curiosity, I ransacked my place, looking for every single Packer item I own. It took longer than I thought. Once everything was collected, I busted out my DROID RAZR M and its 8 megapixel camera with LED flash and 1080 HD video capability for a shot. The good people at Verizon and Motorola have put enough into this camera that I have no qualms about selling my digital camera on eBay. Also, that “snap” sound in each shot is awesome. Makes you want to keep taking pictures. I took a ton of pictures, but felt the one that showed everything was most impactful. What you see here is every Packer item I have accumulated since I can remember.
I Own 16 Packer Things. Not Bad.
1. A Cheesehead. The staple of Packer fans worldwide. Given to me by a generous family member last year. Side note: Did you know the first ever Cheesehead was cut from couch cushions and then painted? True story.

2. Aaron Rodgers jersey. Supposedly it’s an authentic jersey although I have my doubts. If it’s a knock off, it’s a beautifully stitched knock off. Bought this a couple years ago in a wholesale purchase order with some other people. I’ve worn it to one game – the one where Favre beat us at Lambeau. Not a good day. My bad, people. I will probably give it away this year in a contest since I'm not much of a jersey guy.

3. ACME Packers hat. When these things were scorching-hot commodities, good friend Franklin Hillside was kind enough to surprise me with this at a game we attended. Thanks, buddy!

4 & 5. The Home and Away #12 Championship Belt Buckles. Very special items, as I designed them myself and had them manufactured. These will likely be passed down. Related note: I had a gorgeous Roger Maris rookie card I sold to help pay for the costs of creating. No regrets.

6. Standard “G” winter cap. I somehow ended up with this but if belonged to my dad. Thanks, Pop!

7. Vintage Packers sticker from the 60s. Again, what’s become somewhat of an annual tradition of exchanging Packers items, this is yet another gem gifted to me from Franklin Hillside.

8. Lambeau Field Framed Stadium print. I won employee of the quarter (that's quarter, people, not just month) and was awarded a sweet gift card to the Packers Pro Shop. I used it to help purchase this beauty, which proudly hangs in my basement.

9. ACME Packers hat. There’s so much cool stuff at the Pro Shop that I purchased this hat along with the print. It’s my favorite hat. Period.

10. Throwback Clay Matthews shirt. Impulse purchase I’ve now worn enough that holes are starting to appear. I wore this when I met Tom Crabtree for TBWI and was offered $50 and a 6th round pick for it at a fantasy football draft. Not happening, Brew City Blasters.

11. 80's Packers mug. This is my go-to coffee cup on Sunday mornings for the last few years. Like #6, I somehow ended up with it from my parents. Shhh....

12. Got Driver? shirt. This was the first Packer gift I ever received from Franklin in 2008 I believe. DD was my favorite player for a looooong time and I probably talked about him a little too much. I wore this shirt to the game against SF when #80 had the catch of his career. I ripped open my coat and stuck out my chest like Superman to the crowd. One of my all-time favorite moments at Lambeau. Here’s the catch.

13. Packers mug. Great for the morning commute given to me by my parents for X-Mas. Dishwasher safe, which is always nice.

14. Packers mug. I bought some hot chocolate for a pretty young lady who I took to a game in ’08. I was going to toss the cup when she was finished but she wanted to keep it. Never thought it would hold up as long as it has. Kudos, pretty young lady.

15. Packers zip-up fleece. Gift from my parents last year. I wear this to work a lot and get compliments galore. Nice pickup, Mom.

16. Packers pajama pants. They’re almost Zubas-like in their sweetness and comfortableness. Wear these often in the winter. Gift from a family member.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention this one on my pooch, Maggie, aka the “Orange Nipper” aka the “Hairy Beastmaster.” Note the Packers collar, given to me by a friend.
The Hairy Beastmaster. Representing.
There it is – 16/17 things – not that much, perhaps, but more than I thought it would be. It’s hard to believe that 11 of these were given to me, 4 were purchased and I created the other 2. Interesting mix. And while it’s a decent amount of Packer items, I’m guessing most of you have more – maybe even much more.

Like I said, I believe I'm as die-hard Packer fan as anyone I know. I may not have a Packers stock certificate or a green leather couch, but I've been to 20+ games and experience each and every game and season with the same roller coaster of emotion as you do. Perhaps it’s a testament to my Packer pride with all the gifts I’ve received over the years. It’s a pretty safe bet.

So whether you have 2 or 20 or 200 things, whether you spend $20 or $2000 or more, to me, being a die-hard Packer fan comes down to how hard you cheer and how loyal you are no matter what the score. And if you couldn’t imagine rooting for another team other than the Packers, you’re probably die-hard.

Oh yeah, I also have a Packers website. Make that 18.

Disclosure: I am participating in the Verizon Wireless Midwest Fans program and have been provided with a wireless device and five months of service in exchange for my honest opinions about the product.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Emperor and Vice Emperor of Football Viewing and Gameday Experiences

Good morning. I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this message today. In this election year, we know you have many important choices to make, both on a national and local level. We are here to ask you to make another important choice, the choice for who you want to represent you in one of the most important offices in the land. Who do you want to be the Emperor and Vice Emperor of Football Viewing and Gameday Experiences? As far as we can tell, we are the only two interested in this position, so your decision shouldn't be difficult.

Because everyone should be an informed voter, we have prepared a 52 page Matthewfesto, laying out the tenets, goals, and beliefs of our campaign. To summarize this, we have laid out just a few of them below. Please take a look. We feel that these items will keep all Football Viewing and Gameday Experiences moving forward in a positive direction. If, and when, you have time, we encourage you to read the full document.
  1. No Packer games will ever go unseen.  In every area of the U.S. including its territories, the game shall always be on local TV.
  2. Wisconsin cheese will not be taxed, lost revenue from this will be gained by doubling tax on all California cheese.
  3. Fans at Lambeau who yell, "Sit down" or "Down in front" or some form thereof, will be disappeared from their seats and placed in the DOME.
  4. Dallas will be stripped of the title "America's Team".
  5. Bratwurst will be the Official National Sausage. Kraut the Official National Condiment.
  6. Wayne Larrivee will be appointed press secretary. Daggers will be plentiful.
  7. The term "tailgating" will not be allowed to describe whatever it is Vikings fans do before games because it certainly is not tailgating.
  8. Ted Thompson will be raised to level of "Most Venerable Director of Green and Gold Greatness", a name more befitting of a man of his stature.
  9. Seattle will be changed to a win because it's the right thing to do.
  10. All tailgating will be a Red Zone...in that it will be a communist state. We, as Packer fans, know the importance of sharing sauerkraut, blood Marys, bratwurst, beer, and cheese. There will be no classes, no money, no hierarchy, there will be enough for all, and all will prosper.
  11. We will work tirelessly with New Glarus Brewing to convince them to allow their glorious libations to be available in places other than just Wisconsin.
  12. Go, Pack. 
Thank you for your consideration, and remember, Hillside-Greenfield for Emperor and Vice Emperor of Football Viewing and Gameday Experiences. Cheese you can BELIEVE IN.

This message has been paid for by Cheeseheads for Prosperity and Kraut.
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