Wednesday, August 29, 2012

30 Years Later

It seems like only yesterday that the Packer Ranter Fantasy League was having their 2nd annual draft...a lot has changed in the past thirty years. For starters, the Packers domination hasn't changed, fourteen more Super Bowl titles, 25 Division titles, Lambeau now seats 180,000 and sleeps 600. Yeah. There's a hotel attached....this ain't your Dad's Frozen Tundra. Things have also changed for members of the Packer Ranter Fantasy League;

Jerel "we're not" Worthy

The perennial Ranter League basement dweller never placed higher than 6th, but that doesn't mean the rest of his life wasn't successful. After years of fantasy futility, he took all the knowledge he had gained from losing and designed a fantasy advice and league hosting website for an as yet untapped market. It was a site specifically dedicated to women who love the NFL, but who wanted to escape their condescending, arrogant, and patronizing boyfriends' and husbands' fantasy football leagues. Little tip: there's a lot of them. He. Made. Millions.

Vic Ketchman's Jorts

VKJ had one less year in the Ranter League, but he has more than held his own. It's amazing he has had to manage his squad with the developments in his professional life. VKJ became mayor of Green Bay in 2015, and he has been riding the highest approval rating for a politician ever since. He has tried to retire on multiple occasions, but he keeps getting elected on write-in votes. This barely allows him sufficient time to serve as one half of the planning committee for Throwback Weekend which has grown so large, it is now known as Throwback Week, with Packer fans from around the globe traveling to Green Bay for seven days of camaraderie, consumption, and craziness. It's referred to as the "Woodstock of Sports" and draws thousands of "Throwbackers" each year.

Hot Ham Water

After his wildly successful Super Bowl Shanty Town design, HHW found he had a serious itch to become an urban planner. He studied in Oslo under the famous Dr. Hans von Streegen for seven long years. He has since reimagined and designed many neighborhoods and cities around the world, as well as served as consultant for cities and nations hosting the Olympics and the World Cup. But his crowning achievement came when he approached Mayor Vic Ketchman's Jorts and proposed a new plan for Green Bay and its layout. Having seen his work in other cities...as well as his impressive work in the Ranter League, he immediately acquiesced. The result? A modern city that caters to the millions of Packer fans who visit each year. Public transportation is unmatched to and from Lambeau, green (and gold) spaces have been improved and new ones designed, sufficient and accessible lodging options have been created. The result? Green Bay will be hosting a Super Bowl in 2044. Thanks, HHW, can I get a ticket?

cornOFFdaCOBB and Gay for Clay

This brotherly duo has been fighting collusion claims for years, ever since GfC won the Ranter League's inaugural year. Nothing has ever been proven, even though they have both fared amazingly well year in, and year out. Their ability to cooperate has helped them in becoming the most successful restauranteurs in Wisconsin history. CODC's connections in the Pacific Northwest allowed these two to cheaply import fish to the Cheese State and use it in their ever-growing chain of rural sushi restaurants. They have been successful in bringing this traditional Japanese cuisine to the remote areas of Wisconsin where the only way these Wisconsinites were used to eating fish was on Friday's and covered in fried beer batter (not that there is anything wrong with that). In 2022, they became the official sushi provider of the Green Bay Packers, furthering their presence in the Wisconsin, and national, restaurant scene. They continue to cater the Ranter Fantasy League draft each year to the League's thorough enjoyment.

Easy Street Entourage

A highly successful attorney running his own firm, ESE has also been commissioner of another fantasy football league for 40+ years in addition to his participation in the Ranter Fantasy League. Late nights pouring over draft boards and legal briefs led to an epiphany, there was a way to combine them both. Using his extensive legal knowledge, and his extensive knowledge of how normal people can turn into tremendous asshats when it comes to fantasy football, he began consulting on drafting fantasy football league constitutions, eventually he began billing (an undisclosed amount) for his services. He founded Fantasy Constitutions LLC in 2019, his tagline: "Rules are Rules....even if they're fake". No one knows what his net worth is at present, but he flew the Ranter League members to Rio for their most recent draft.

BeefcakeKnucklejamz 

A fantasy football savant, BCKJ, has been in hundreds of leagues in the past 30 years...having to be coaxed into each because of the stress he endures with each league. Lucky for him, he has a positive outlet for his stress. BCKJ is, of course, the founder and sole proprietor of Beef Cake Knuckle Jamz Gym and Yoga Studio in downtown Green Bay. As word of his unique style and violent outbursts spread, more and more Green Bay residents began to visit BCKJ's gym and studio. They never left. People are drawn to his sweaty, twitchy body and never-ending stream-of-consciousness (fantasy tips are prevalent) during workouts. "He's a legend." "I once said I was too tired, and he carried me around the gym the remainder of the workout....I'll never be too tired again" "I once stretched farther than I ever thought possible when he was my yoga instructor. It was amazing...spiritual even. Is his single?" are just some of the comments you will hear from his members. News soon spread to Coach McCarthy and all Packers are now strongly encouraged to attend BCKJ's workouts and yoga sessions in the offseason. In season, BCKJ can often be found in Ted Thompson's office sharing his extensive football statistical knowledge.

Sundays with Cougars

This is the last known photo of SwC (although he does log in each year for the Ranter Fantasy draft):

Courtesy of The Chive

If anyone has any clue as to SwC whereabouts, please email packerranter@gmail.com.


-Signing off until 2042,

Flea Flicker Draft Advisor


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Green Bay Goo or “Hey! You Got Your Cheddar in my Guacamole!”

The magnitude of the statement, “I’m going to the game” is hardly represented by the action of just going to the game itself. It entails the entire experience of gameday – the lodging, driving, walking, cheering, post-win mechanical bull riding at Stadium View (personal fave), and one of the Ranter’s favorite pastimes: tailgating.

Every serious tailgaitor – most Packer fans we know, actually – will generally have one signature food (or drink, or both) represented at their tailgate camp. These items are the perfect match of creativity and edibility. My uncle Orlo’s buffalo chicken meatballs come to mind. Or just last year, we were introduced to @gbpf127’s famous booze-soaked cherries. Now, these specialty foods may take a little TLC to prepare but watching a fellow fan enjoy something you concocted is simply priceless. (You know the clip you want to see, so here you go.)

While desperately raiding the fridge one night after a lengthy pub crawl, inspiration struck in the form of a new dip. Don’t judge me, but all I had in my icebox was a bag of shredded cheese, avocado and some beef sticks (actually, isn’t that like three of the food groups? Niiiice). What else would/could someone with the drunk hungries do but combine them? That’s exactly what I did that fateful night – and have since perfected over the last few weeks.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s with great pleasure I would like to add to the great tradition of Packer tailgating Green Bay Goo – delicious creamy guacamole and melted cheddar cheese: two great tastes that taste great together.

To make Green Bay Goo, simply dump as much cheese as you can get your hands on into a crock pot. While that’s melting it into a thick, soup-like consistency, prepare your guac like the guac-star you know you are into another bowl. Then ladle out some cheese into a small bowl and then dollop (yes, dollop) some guac on top of that. From there, let your dipping imagination soar. Think pretzels, chips, beef sticks, brats or even eat it with a spoon. You’ll find the combination of textures as well as the contrasting warm and cool temperatures to be simply delightful.

Note: it’s very important not to combine the two until you’re ready to eat. In my trials, this unique combination tastes best in the first few minutes after mixing. Plus, I’ve always found that ladies are into guys with good ladling skills.

I look forward to sampling your own takes on Green Bay Goo, preferably at a tailgate soon...

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Training Camp's Finest

After attending my first ever Training Camp practice on Monday, I'd like to bring attention to and salute, a group of people who work tirelessly at all training camp practices. (Also, I just brought attention to the fact that I don't know whether training camp should be capitalized or not.)

Recognition needs to be given to some people, that in all likelihood, go unnoticed year in and year out during the warm summer days and evenings. These are the people in the stylish red vests, the incomparable Guest Relations staff. And while I'm sure the entire group of Guest Relations Specialists do excellent work, even the sullen teenaged kid who mostly ignored us and left us to our own devices; Carolyn and Lynn stood head and shoulders above the rest and were phenomenal facilitators of fan enjoyment and deserve to be aknowledged.

These ladies have a difficult job. They must balance time spent handing out roster cards (with fun and exciting, G-Force word searches on the reverse side) and player face masks. I was fortunate enough to secure a Greg Jennings mask that apparently my dog is deathly afraid of, the only reason I can think of is because Greg Jennings is a bad, bad, man. In addition to the distribution duties, Carolyn and Lynn are tasked with ushering fans to available seats. The skill set involved with this assignment is remarkably similar to Aaron Rodgers finding an open receiver in 2.5 seconds. Their job also includes confronting fans who are pretending to save seats, or are taking up more space than they need with snacks, cameras, binoculars, etc. Both sets of individuals are attempting to avoid eye contact like they are avoiding seeing Medusa. Carolyn and Lynn calmly, but firmly, address these fans and, more often than not, secure available seating for others looking for a spot to park themselves. I watched Carolyn and Lynn stack fans in the bleachers throughout practice, deftly moving people in and out and getting them seated or exited, all while limiting the obstruction of other fans’ viewing. Needless to say, it was impressive.

Upon leaving, I thanked both women, but Carol was busy assisting an elderly gentlemen and Lynn was directing foot traffic to allow a mother with a stroller to leave Nitschke Field. I’m doubtful that either will see this, but I thought I would bestow upon them The Ranter’s highest honor, The Tracy White Certificate of Excellence. Thank you, ladies. You deserve it.


(Also, please tell them thanks if you happen to  see them at one of the remaining practices.)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Sing Along with Jeffrey

I think a fun thing to do on a Thursday is sing along to this and insert, "Jeff" between every "Mr." and "Saturday Night Special".



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