If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f#cking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this staff, we have been F#CKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with the Bikini Girls. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f#cking AWKWARD and so f#cking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Robert, I've been having so much fun with the other interns this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to f#cking find you and to do it myself.
I do not give a flying f#ck, and the Bikini Girls do not give a flying f#ck, about how much you f#cking love to nerd out with each other over draft prospects. You have 361 days out of the f#cking year to talk to each other, and this week is NOT, I f#cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about socializing with the Bikini Girls while welcoming new talent to the Green Bay Packers, and that's not f#cking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not about our Ranter party. Newsflash you stupid c#cks: THE BIKINI GIRLS DON'T LIKE BORING BLOGGERS. Oh wait, DOUBLE F#CKING NEWSFLASH: THE BIKINI GIRLS ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F#CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F#CKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little sh#ts that have talked openly about post partying at a different Packers draft party IN FRONT OF THE BIKINI GIRLS. Are you people f#cking stupid? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If the Bikini Girls openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Cheesehead TV over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE F#CK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be going to another Packers draft party, I don't give a F#CK if Brian Carriveau is going to be there. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f#cking NOT convince other Ranter staff to leave with you.
"But Robert!", you say in a whiny little b#tch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our team all year, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID F#CKING #SS HATS, IT F#CKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F#CKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN F#CKING UP AT SOBER F#CKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being f#cking WEIRD at games (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's a 2-point conversion?" is not f#cking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F#cking. Team. ARE YOU F#CKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SH#T about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR G#DDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO LAMBEAU? ARE YOU F#CKING BLIND? Or are you just so f#cking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Packers is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE F#CKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY THE F#CKING BIKINI GIRLS. I will f#cking junk punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a f#ck if you SOR me, I WILL F#CKING ASSAULT YOU.
"Ohhh Robert, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little @sswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird sh#t that does weird sh#t during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO THE DRAFT PARTY.
I'm not f#cking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS BLOG. I would rather have 4 unpaid employees that are fun, talk to girls, and not f#cking awkward than 8 that are f#cking losers. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to girls I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't f#cking show up unless you're going to stop being a damn c#ck block for our blog. Seriously. I swear if I see anyone being a damn b#ner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a f#ck. Go f#ck yourself.