I woke up from a dead sleep last night convinced I had a ton of better ideas for a Packers-based reality show than ‘Cheeseheads’ that may be airing on TBS sometime in the future. Seriously? How long did it take to come up with that title? Probably about the same amount of time it takes for one of the meatheads on The Jersey Shore to get into a drunken brawl. My potential shows don’t even require talentless moneygrubbers to make a sex tape before being cast…I cannot confirm or deny this will be the case for the TBS show.
1) “Athletic Supporters” – 8 rookie equipment managers are followed through the Packers’ season, beginning with initial training and continuing through OTA’s, training camp, and the regular season. Cast members are given challenges and evaluated by grizzled veterans of the equipment manager trade. Packers’ players vote and gradually the Athletic Supporters are eliminated one by one. The winning Supporter gets a permanent job on the Packers equipment staff. “Athletic Supporters” has high potential for product placement and sponsorship by sporting goods companies; it should be easy to sell to a network.
2) “Keeping Up With the Joneses” – This is the true story of three Packers picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when the Joneses stop being polite and start getting real. Okay, there are probably trademark issues with using that as the intro, but it just sounds so cool…or at least it did 20 years ago. Not so much now. Also the title, which of course refers to trying equal and/or surpass your neighbor’s social status through the accumulation of material goods, is effectively ruined by the aforementioned amateur adult film star with no discernible talents reality show. Basic premise of this program is you put James Jones, Brad Jones, and recent draft pick Datone Jones in a house and film their exploits over the course of the season. This is pretty much cookie-cutter reality TV, but I’d rather watch this than having to suffer through Packers fans getting annihilated in Lambeau parking lots prior to games. Plus, Brad Jones plays the viola, so that’s cool.
3) “Ball Buster” – This show would follow the exploits of Packers’ Vice President of Football Administration/Player Finance, Russ Ball. Mr. Ball stays very much out of the spotlight, so any glimpse behind the curtain into his work as the Wizard of 1265 would make for fascinating TV. He has a pretty broad scope of work with the Packers, including supervision of various departments. One of which being Equipment, so he could probably be added as a guest judge on “Athletic Supporters” at some point. Seeing how these departments function would be interesting to say the least, but the real drama would come when Mr. Ball is negotiating player contracts, hence the name of the program. Seriously, how exciting and informative would it be to see Russ negotiating with agents? I mean this guy just negotiated the biggest contract in NFL history. I think networks could make this program pay-per-view and charge whatever they wanted, and I would still watch it. Plus, the name is pretty cool.
4) “Top Chef: Tailgate” – I’m not sure Padma Lakshmi has ever been to Green Bay, but I can absolutely picture her and Tom Colicchio strolling the parking lots of Lambeau sampling chef contestants pre-game entrees. Various competitions could include creating tailgate beverages…mmmm, bloody Marys…appetizers, entrees, etc, etc. Picture this: contestants are provided a grill, a piece of beef and tongs and are tasked with a Quickfire Challenge of grilling up a tasty slab of beef before the guest judges make it to the front of the porta-potty line. Or this: each contestant must use an RV kitchen to create an entire tailgate spread for 30 people. Man, my mouth started watering just thinking of porkbelly sliders accompanied by a spicy horseradish bloody Mary. (I, of course, would be a weekly judge). The winner of Top Chef: Tailgate would be able to create one menu item featured at all Lambeau Field Concession stands and wpould take over Curly’s Pub and design and execute a gourmet quality menu for restaurant. It probably could use it.
5) “Sausage Race” – This is obviously a hat-tip to the Sausage Races at Miller Park, however, this is actually a race. On a road. In cars. Shaped like sausages. Contestants begin the season in the Lambeau Field parking lot and race each other to the following week’s Packers’ game. Picture Cannonball Run in Oscar Mayer Wienermobiles. Obviously, the safety of other drivers on the roads and highways would be put in jeopardy by this race. However, sometimes the best defense is a good offense, so if you see one of these Sausagemobiles flying by, feel free to spray them with ketchup and mustard, or throw cans of sauerkraut at them. All’s fair in love and sausage. Each race team would receive two tickets to that week’s game except the team who arrived last. They would be eliminated and forced to find their own way home sans sausage vehicle. The season’s winning Sausage team would be given a set of Packers’ season tickets and allowed to keep their Sausagemobile. I actually think I may remove myself from any sort of development credit on this program, so as to be eligible to participate. I’ve seen enough Vin Diesel to know I could win this.
6) I have one more idea. Well, I have a bunch more ideas, but this one is more of my pet project than anything. Robert and I will probably execute it in my basement regardless of the potential to sell it to ESPN Reality (That’s probably going to be a thing at some point. You know it. I know it.) I’ve always thought that it would be highly entertaining to watch games with an alternate or additional commentary than that of the T.V. or radio. Robert and I would DVR a game and then rewatch part of it adding our own commentary on top of the TV announcers. If you’ve ever watched “Mystery Science Theater 3,000”, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, I feel sorry for you, and you should close this and head here. The potential material is endless…think of the Fail Mary game and what could have been added to the bungling refs and Pete Carroll running onto the field like a crazed moron. I can’t tell if I’m more excited to see a finished “Packer Ranter Theatre 4,371” episode or to sit in my basement and drink beers and watch old Packer games with Robert. Like I said, pet project….
If you have any other ideas for Packers reality T.V. shows, please share in the comments below. You will be given full producer credits.