Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Increased Regulations for Packers’ Children’s Bike Ride Must Be Implemented NOW

It’s one of the greatest traditions in all of sports, and one the biggest injury risks I can think of. As many of you know, since the Lombardi era, Packers players have been riding children’s bikes to practice. Since the Lombardi era, Packers players have also been risking their careers on the hopes of thin metal rod likely manufactured overseas.

All bikes have a weight capacity. On 26” bikes, for instance, the average weight limit is 250 pounds. Did you know the weight limit of Trek bikes is only 275 pounds? This begins to question the general common sense of some of pairings of player and bike.

Let’s imagine a scenario when little Jane VandeHey, a 3rd grader from Highlands Elementary in Appleton, brings her Dora the Explorer bike to training camp with one goal in mind – that her favorite player, Josh Sitton, will ride it during practice. There’s only one problem:  Jane VandeHey is 42 pounds, and Josh Sitton is well over 3 bills. Well, being the good sport that he is, Josh gladly obliges the young girl’s request and sits on her bike – WHICH IMMEDIATELY CRUSHES UNDER THE WEIGHT OF AN NFL LINEMAN!

The bike rods contort awkwardly from the immense pressure, sending a spear-like aluminum rod straight through Josh’s thigh, ruining his career. The chain is jolted off the sprocket and flies through the air off into the crowd like a metal flying death, striking the Grand Poobah of the Pewaukee Packer Backers in the jugular. Women and children scream at the horror. Josh Sitton holds his leg, wailing in agony, while unsuspecting paramedics get the unexpected call.

It’s Josh’s fault and it’s little Jane VandeHey’s fault. In fact, it’s all of our faults for not recognizing that, generally speaking, human giants should not ride atop bikes adorn with cartoons. From now on, I want these bike rides regulated by the natural pairing of a bike’s and player’s size. Backs, Receivers, Kickers, Speedsters, Gunners, Streakers, Blasters, and those under 225, congrats, you have free reign on everything from BMX to Treks. Offensive and Defensive lineman, stick to the mountain bikes. And everyone in between, just use common sense. I think you’ll agree that we’ve had enough preseason injuries.

In the interest of safety, if not in the interest of coolness, maybe some of the players might consider riding one of these:

If you look at the specifications, this bike-thingy is rated up to 880 lbs. That means BJ Raji (337) and Ryan Pickett (338) could ride comfortably, and more importantly, safely, and still have enough structural soundness to give DuJuan Harris (203) a lift.

Not to cause further alarm, but in addition to the weight specs of bicycles, there is also an ever-present risk of head injury from biking accidents. According to the Center for Head Injury Services, 85% of head injuries while biking could be prevented by wearing a helmet. Helmets are standard issue for all NFL players. In fact, as you may or may not know, they are actually required to wear them.

Thank you for your cooperation.

2 comments:

  1. What about the massive amount of pressure placed on a very tiny seat? Do you think prostate exams for retired players are covered under the new CBA?

    ReplyDelete
  2. A_Lerxst_in_PackerlandAugust 25, 2013 at 11:37 AM

    I've wondered about this myself. Actually surprised we haven't heard of any bike failures due to overloading. They must have a pretty big margin of safety to the officially rated weight capacity is all I can figure.

    The players really should be wearing cycling helmets (if not their football helmets), both for personal safety as well as setting a good example for the kiddies.

    Finally, that Surrey Double Bench Deluxe is freaking awesome! Only question is, does it come in green and gold?

    ReplyDelete

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