Friday, October 4, 2013

22 Reasons the Lions Haven't Won in Wisconsin in 22 Years

We all know the Lions haven’t won in Wisconsin in 22 years. Robert and I are trying to figure out why.
  1. Cheese is Lions’ kryptonite. It weakens them and will ultimately kill them if they are exposed to it for a long enough period of time.
  2. Matt Millen.
  3. Barry Sanders’ early retirement.
  4. Brett Favre.
  5. Aaron Rodgers.
  6. …even Matt Flynn.
  7. The long flight over Lake Michigan induces terrible and debilitating jet lag. 
  8. Robert’s double-jointed knuckle hexing.
  9. Matt Millen.
  10. I once saw a sticker where Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes fame, not Johnson) was micturating on a Ford insignia. That must have something to do with it.
  11. It’s incredibly difficult to leave the lovely city of Detroit. Once you are there, you never want to go anywhere else. Seriously, beautiful.
  12. The Appleton nightlife causes curfew issues. It has for me.
  13. Seriously, though, Matt Millen.
  14. Lions’ natural habitat is not frozen tundra. They prefer the savannah and grasslands of sub-Saharan Africa, or in captivity in Ford Field.
  15. Because...aliens?
  16. The palpable intimidation of playing in the greatest sports arena in the world.
  17. The palpable intimidation of playing in front of the greatest fans in the world.
  18. Detroit may have invented the actual tailgate, but Packers’ fans perfected its use. Witnessing parking lots full of their invention being used against them is just too brutal to see.
  19. The Lions’ intense desire to be in the record books for something, even if it is futility. Any publicity is good publicity.
  20. “I don’t know why either, guys.” 
  21. Well, you see, when one team scores more points than the other, that team is going to win. The Packers have scored more points than the Lions. This is a classic Maddenism, and would seem to me to be an accurate assessment as to why the Lions can’t win.
  22. They’re the Lions and always will be. I think this might be the correct answer.
If    If you’ve got any ideas about why the Lions constantly fail in Wisconsin, please let us know.

1 comment:

  1. A_Lerxst_in_PackerlandOctober 7, 2013 at 5:42 AM

    You're gonna need to add another reason now...

    ReplyDelete

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