Friday, December 12, 2014

These are a Few of My Favorite (Packers) Things

Rainbows from Rodgers to Jordy or Randall
Favre speculation and outings to Lambeau
Pro shops and tailgates and parking for free
These are a few of my favorite things

Ted Thompson pressers and crisp charcoaled bratwursts
Throwbacks and fullbacks and Super Bowl curses
Face-value tickets with no hidden strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Color-coded mock drafts made in Excel
Angry young trolls who can’t even spell
Pictures of Packers on bikes meant for tweens
These are a few of my favorite things

On a bye week
In the offseason
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things

[Repeat all verses.]

It really works. What things do you like?

Friday, November 7, 2014

McCarthy Contract Extension Photo Shoot

In case you were not aware, Robert does some photography in addition to his work here at the Ranter. He does weddingssenior pictures, trophy bass, the usual. Well, he passed a photo on to me last night. It was taken shortly after Mike McCarthy signed his recent contract extension. McCarthy told Robert he had seen some of Robert’s previous work here on the Ranter, and he wanted to memorialize this career accomplishment with a few photos. "You know just a few classy shots, maybe something I can hang office or in my den back home, and a couple that could go in the Christmas card to the guys."

The first few poses were fairly standard. Mike sitting in his office, hard at work. Mike standing in his study next to a roaring fire, one hand on the mantel, the other holding a glass of Scotch, thoughtful look on his face. Casual family portrait enjoying the day at the lake home. Robert said Coach McCarthy's favorite might have been the one he took on his tractor. (Robert significantly dirtied up the tractor and McCarthy to make it more gritty and realistic. McCarthy loved it.) Then, as they were finishing up, Robert saw something sticking out of Mike McCarthy's closet in his office. "What's that?" he asked. 

"That? That was a gift from Ted after we beat the Bears last year to go to the playoffs. It's a bearskin."

"Whoa. That's awesome. You should wear it. In honor of Bears Week."

"Ha! Well...I don't know....Ah, what the hell?! I do love beating the Bears."

"Oh, Mike, it's, a scowl. Scowl. Think about a polluted mindset. There you go, got it. Brilliant."

"Damn, that's so good, it might have to go in my living room."

The result:

Might have to hang in the Hillside living room too. Go, Pack, go!

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Offensive Dominance Quotient

This summer Mike McCarthy and Aaron Rodgers' declared their goal of speeding up the offense and running 75+ plays per game. Play fast, keep the defense from substituting, keep it pedal to the metal. To this point in the season, after seven games, the Packers have run 410 offensive plays, a 58.5 play average. Now, I'm no mathlete, but I think that's about 20 plays less than McCarthy's target. The result? A 5-2 record and 28.4 points per game, good for 4th in the NFL.

So despite not achieving the play per game goal set this summer, the Packers' offense is humming right along at a nice clip. In reality, it is almost unreasonable to expect Rodgers to run that many plays per game when he is throwing the ball to Jordy Nelson who simply refuses to be bothered by defenders and just decides to score when he touches the ball.

"Oh. Sorry, coach, was that too fast?"

Now that the Packers are closing in on the halfway point of the 2014 season, I think it is a good time to review where they are now and adjust some of the goals and measurements for the second half of the season. Self-reflection and analysis are traits of a healthy and successful organization and also traits of highly successful individuals.

While a target of 75 plays per game should remain a goal, I don't believe it to be the best measuring stick for Mike McCarthy to judge his offense. I have to believe that since the Packers have only achieved this benchmark once, yet remain successful, there must be a better metric to use to evaluate an offense's success, say an Offensive Dominance Quotient-ODQ (I made that up. Just now. Kind of like some intern at ESPN made up QBR on his lunch break.)

ODQ is an extensive set of statistics, formulas and algorithms designed to exactly measu...bwahahaha...just kidding. Like I said, I'm no mathlete. I couldn't even wake up for my 9 a.m. stats class, so ODQ is about as superficial as you could get. It is simply a tally of....{drum roll}....the number of snaps that the Packers' backup quarterbacks play in a game in relief of Aaron Rodgers. When QB1 has directed the team to a sufficient enough lead where McCarthy is able to send in Matt Flynn, as was the case versus Minnesota and Carolina, victory is imminent, and the Packers' offense has been dominant.

I look forward to seeing more Matt Flynn in relief mode during the course of the season. In fact, I would challenge Mike McCarthy to make Scott Tolzien active on all game days. When you are able to send in TWO backup quarterbacks to close out a game, your ODQ is roughly the size of a Twinkie 35 feet long and approximately 600 pounds.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Laces Out, Dan? Not So Fast.

In honor of the Packers traveling to Miami this Sunday, I thought I’d revisit the greatest Hollywood field goal attempt in recent memory – that from Ace Ventura, Pet Detective (1994). I’m going to go ahead and assume you’ve seen it because if you haven’t, honestly, I feel bad for you.

But the main antagonist’s desire for revenge stems from the kicker’s miss of a potential Super Bowl-winning field goal due to the classic laces out vs. laces in argument. Now, most people assume the football should be positioned toward the goal post (laces out) rather than toward the kicker (laces in). This supposedly allows the kicker to connect with the smooth part of the ball, and better control its trajectory.

But is this always the case? What if the laces were in for the only pro athlete to come out of Cauler County? The Ranter was determined to find out so along with our advanced software engineering intern, Log Jam, we hit our in-house 3D virtual laboratory to see if a laces-in kick would’ve allowed Ray Finkle to make that fateful field goal in Ace Ventura.

First of all, let’s take a good look at the kick. As you can see, the ball just sails juuuuuust past the left goal post.
"Ray Finkle blew a 26-yard field goal!"
Taking a virtual model of the field goal post, then triangulating the position of the ball with relation to distance of kick, we discover the ball passes a mere twelve inches to the left – a relative minuscule amount. In other words, by not striking the ball perpendicular to its axis, one could say Finkle simply “pulled the kick.” By extrapolating the distance (W) of the missed kick within the Cartesian coordinate system of a simple X-Y graph, we can see a clear +2.3-degree variance along the X axis (marked in blue) accounts for the noted deviation.
Now, let’s reverse this mathematically induced scenario with laces-in circumstances. You’ll notice immediately that the convex physical characteristics of the laces (NFL standard laces protrusion = approx. 5.5mm) allows Ray to connect with the ball earlier, actually offsetting the x axis variance from the laces-in model and striking the ball perfectly square.

The kick is clean and true, traveling perfectly straight through the uprights. He makes the field goal, guys. *drops mic*

Conclusion: In most cases, the common laces-out configuration holds true (pun intended). However, the aforementioned scientific analysis provides sufficient evidence that a laces-IN kick would’ve indeed allowed Ray Finkle to make the field goal described in the seminal film, Ace Ventura, Pet Detective (1994).

And if you TROLLS dare question the translation accuracy of the visual medium, let it be known that Log Jam spent numerous hours analyzing samples of 1980’s projector-style reel footage superimposed onto 1990's Hollywood-style 35mm film and then compressed the into Youtube’s 2014 online platform. (Turns out, it’s basically a wash.)
Log Jam earning his letter of recommendation
Edit: I just realized if Ray Finkle makes the kick, it creates a significant distortion in the space-time continuum of the Ace Ventura movie universe. That means Ray Finkle never transforms into Lieutenant Einhorn in order to seek out revenge. A young-Courtney-now-a-cougar-Cox never reaches out to Ace Ventura to find Snowflake. The entire story is erased from existence and the world misses out on one of the greatest comedic performances of all time! 

S#$T! How do I delete this post? Damn it, Jim – I’m a scientist, not a computer programmer!

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Free Advertising for Your Charity

They say nothing in life is free. I say they’re wrong.

Are you a local charity or nonprofit operating on a shoestring advertising budget? Can you verify your organization is considered reputable as evaluated by sites such as Charity Navigator or Great Nonprofits? Then we’d like to offer you complimentary prime advertising real estate on our site - a top centered banner.

Believe it or not, we get contacted a lot for advertising. But it’s usually for gambling sites, and while they pay well, we’ve never cared much for the money (although it has paid for an annual ticket and a couple beverages in the past). Franklin and I are lucky enough to have full-time jobs – even if it is working for the man. And when you combine that with the fact we’ve been noodling doing something of value for a while, that represents our only real motivation.

I suppose if there’s one catch, it’s that your ad will be on a website known for unconventional Packers humor, trash talking with opposing fans and frequent that’s-what-she-said jokes. However, although Google says thousands of people visit this site each month, I’ll leave it up to you how you handle your brand. And hey, this may even motivate us to write more. 

Since we’re a Packers site, we’re looking for Green Bay- and Wisconsin-area organizations but remain open if no one else contacts us. And depending on interest, we may have to rotate every month or so.

And if you don’t have a creative marketing department, we’ll even help create the ad, and I love me some Photoshop all right;)

Just contact us via the Twitter machine or email. Have a nice day.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Straight Packers Chat

If you’re anything like me and on the computer most of the day, email threads about the Packers will come up often (and are always welcome). While it can sometimes get heated, I found this personal thread that took place over the course of 20 emails yesterday to be extremely unfiltered and optimistic. So why not share it with other fans?*

Subject: PACK

TM: Their D has got to be better this year right? I mean it can’t get any worse. Clinton-Dix is a HUGE get. Bigger than Peppers IMO. IF they can stay healthy—should be a solid unit. I do think Abbey is going to have a good year too with returning kickoffs and punts and seeing some WR action. Excited for season to start.

JJ: I think Peppers is going to be HUGE. A little worried about Clay and his injury.

TM: What injury? From last year? Rest him entire preseason.

FH: I bet Micah Hyde starts at safety.

TM: F—that I will bet you a 6 pack of Lakefront Riverwest Stein that he does NOT start. No effing way. Clinton-Dix will start week 1. Book it.

FH: I’ll take that bet. (Purely on winning the job, not from injury.) McCarthy loves him some Hyde.

TM: Ummm—what does Capers think? I think he has final say on who starts on D. Shake hands…..we have witnesses.

FH: I know Capers does have final say, but I also know that McCarthy doesn’t make statements lightly. {shakes hand} YES! First bet of the season. Feels good.

JJ: Great bet. MM wants Hyde on the field all 4 downs. Good problem to have if our D backfield is deep enough that he may not get to play. Outside Corners: Tramon, Shields. Slot: Hayward. Safeties: Burnett and HaHa. Hyde floats between slot and Safety. House backup on the outside. Wow.

TM: F-injuries this year. Also think Bulaga coming back is HUGE as well.

RG: Contract year players: Bulaga, Tramon, Jordy, Randall, Sherrod, J Bush, Raji, House, DuJuan, Boykin.

FH: I have very high expectations for this team, as they do themselves, I would venture to guess.

JJ: I would hope that Jordy, Cobb and Bulaga get deals before the season starts if healthy.

FH: I actually say you let Sherrod and Bulaga battle it out. Both have injury questions.

JJ: Bulaga, when healthy was best RT in the league. If Sherrod is that good, I would agree. Just haven't seen him play in an actual game in a meaningful role. Hope is still in 1st rd. OL material.  

RG: Bakhtiari could be the best on the O-Line this year and for years to come. Love him.

FH: Bulaga hasn’t played since November of 2012.

JJ: Good point re: Bulaga. That's right he had that weird hip injury before the knee. Really hope he gets back to pro bowl form. Would be huge.  

FH: Having Bakhtiari saved the season an equal amount to having Lacy. IMO.

JJ: Can't wait to see what Lacy does in Sophomore campaign. Such a monster. When does Harris even get on the field?

RG: Also think Carl Bradford will be a stud, and the biggest steal of the Packers draft.

*Posted with emailers' permission

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Packers Minimalist Wallpaper/Poster

So I was GISing (Google Image Searching) for Packers screensavers the other day and couldn't really find anything particular that I liked. And when I considered that Franklin and I have always appreciated minimalist movie posters, I thought I'd combine the two ideas.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Game of Mind Games

In 2005, my pal and fellow die-hard Packers fan, Dobber, and I went to Lambeau for the Wildcard game against the Vikings. The tickets were actually given to us, incredibly. In recent years, the Lions and Bears weren’t putting up much of a fight and the Vikings were by far our biggest division rival. The game was itself was unfortunately one of the most unforgettable in Packers’ history. Not only was it just the second home playoff loss EVER, but it was also the game in which Randy Moss mocked mooned the fans. Most of you will recall Joe Buck describing the “disgusting act.” After that, Moss was cemented as arch rival #1 (until he stunk in Oakland and Favre later lobbied for him to come to GB, temporarily splitting Packer fans’ reality).
Bad day for Packer fans.
But that’s not what I choose to remember from that game; something from pre-game, actually. Dobber and I had tailgated several blocks from Lambeau. It was annoying, but parking was free and there was more room to sprawl out in our best Al Bundy poses with a couple of suds. For the Nth time, Dobber told the story how he battled Najeh Davenport in PlayStation once (they lived in the same GB apartment complex), and we should ask him if he wants to hang out sometime. “Sure, let’s do that.” I told him, not believing it would ever happen for a second.
Sit like this once. It's fun.
Before we knew it, the lot was vacant except for parked cars. All the tailgaters had left for their seats. Sure enough, kickoff was just 10 minutes away so we slammed the rest of our beverages, packed our things up in a fury and began the long walk to the stadium. There were two other guys in the same boat. Vikings fans, clad head-to-toe in purple… our polar fan die-hard opposites. We were going to have to walk next to these guys the whole way. Ugh.

You could tell they felt the same way about us, and we were all ready to immediately exchange insults. But something strange happened – no one was taking the first shot. We just kept walking until one of us eventually asked where the other was from. Soon, we were chatting about work, life, etc. and even making genuine compliments about each other’s teams. When it was finally time to part – and I’ll never forget this – one of the guys says to us, “Part of me can’t believe I’m saying this, but good luck to you guys (the Packers).” “Same to you,” we said, shaking hands with them, chuckling at the irony of it all.

There’s a big difference between good-natured ribbing and unfiltered, unprovoked disrespect for no other reason than the jersey one wears. I have no time for these people, who I consider the equivalent of bullies. (And yes, alcohol can play a significant role in all of this, but only to a point.) With dozens of games under my belt, I’ve pretty much experienced them all, and probably have even personified them all to some degree. But I’m feeling done with that posturing BS right now. Maybe it’s as simple as reminding ourselves that we’re not the ones actually competing? Whatever the solution, I simply believe you can have an enjoyable rivalry without the pre-programmed animosity. I believe you can be a die-hard fan without being a dick about it.

Take from this what you will, if anything at all. I can only tell you the times I’ve had the chance to engage the person instead of the jersey, I’ve gotten new perspectives, had healthier conversations, and as my story illustrates, much better memories. 

Monday, May 12, 2014

Your "Draft Grades" Amuse the Zang Meh Doh

“Good pick…Nice value…Reach!...Great draft!”

The Zang Meh Doh finds these generalizations amusing.

Who, or what exactly, is Zang Meh Doh?
It has been characterized as both wicked-smart and epic. Gordo Ramcyzk, 4-time league champion of his Yahoo! fantasy football league, has called it “whatever the opposite of ass-backwards is”. But enough hyperbole.

In the simplest term; in the most convenient definition, the Zang Meh Doh is a V.A.T., or Value Analysis Tool. And the Zang Meh Doh just happens to be the most innovative V.A.T. around. There’s been at LEAST three hours of actual mathematical exploration put into this already, and the formulae have been verified by our interns, Darcy and Bong Man, who have a combined 4 semesters in engineering from the University of Phoenix and Kansas Technical Institute (defunct), respectively.

Zang meaning “excellent”.
Meh meaning “average”.
Doh meaning “fail.”

WTF are you talking about? What makes the Zang Meh Doh so great?
The Zang Meh Doh is unique in that it creates a customized draft value based on three criteria of candidates: 1) Overall Valuation 2) Positional Valuation, and new for 2014! 3) Perceived Team Need. The round itself is meaningless, similar to most shows on cable.

Seriously, there’s a real formula and everything: 
These two values are then averaged to calculate the score. Anything over 100 is considered positive. A true ZANG! (excellent) is ONLY achieved when the value of the player exceeds both the overall and positional categories. By comparison, a DOH! (fail) results when both overall and positional values are subpar. As a bonus, if that pick qualifies as a perceived team need in the immediate or near future, it receives an asterisk (*).

Do not be overwhelmed! The logic is iron clad; the math bullet proof…trust me.

Last thing. I am getting the silent treatment from the Packers for access to their draft board (very frustrating), and therefore am forced to use the rankings from as listed on CBS Sports’ site.

Whatever, bro, get to the picks! How did the Packers do?
Settle. And don’t call me “bro”. I will. Here, grab my hand, and I’ll walk you through the Packers 2014 draft picks.

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, taken as the 21st overall and the 2nd Safety. Against an 18 OV and 1 PV, and also qualifying as a team need, that makes the pick a true Zang! score of 159*. Ideal first pick.
Davante Adams, taken as the 53rd overall and 9th WR. Against a 59 OV and 11 PV, the pick is an 86. MEH. I would not classify WR a team need in the near term, therefore no asterisk either.
Khyri Thornton, taken as the 85th overall and 7th DT. Against a 166 OV and 16 PV, the pick is a 48*, or very close to first DOH of the draft. However, he is likely perceived to fill a void in the near-term, hence the asterisk and the MEH rating.
Richard Rodgers, taken as the 98th overall and the 6th TE. Against a 210 OV and 11 PV, the pick is a 51 and a team need. 51* is the final score. MEH.
Carl Bradford, taken as the 121st pick and the 10th OLB. Against a 54 OV and 4 PV, the pick is a staggering 237*. Mathematically the best value pick of the draft so far. Outstanding.
Corey Linsley, 161st pick/6th Center. With a 227 OV and 6 PV, the pick gets an 86* as Center is a position with a lot of uncertainty. It gets a MEH, but at this stage in the draft, that’s very a very good value-upside pick, scientifically speaking of course. 
Jared Abbrederis, 176th pick/23rd WR. With a 110 OV and 18 PV, the pick gets another ZANG score of 144 for TT and the Pack. This guy is a helluva player and going to be a fan favorite for sure.
Demetri Goodson, 197th pick/26th CB. A 247 OV and 31 PV makes Goodson a strong MEH at 82, nice.
Jeff Janis, 236th pick/33rd WR. A 211 OV and 28 PV gives Ted’s last pick a ZANG of 115. What a way to cap the draft!

Wow. This sounds promising! Can you recap the Zang Meh Doh values? KTHXBAI.
Final Zang Meh Doh Scientifically Verified Scores: 4 ZANGS, 5 MEHs, Zero DOHs.

From best draft value down, the results are as follows:
1.                Carl Bradford (237*)
2.                Ha Ha Clinton Dix (159*)
3.                Jared Abbrederis (144)
4.                Jeff Janis (115)
5.                Corey Linsley (86*)
6.                Davante Adams (86)
7.                Demetri Goodson (82)
8.                Richard Rodgers (51*)
9.                Khyri Thornton (48*)

Analysis. The Clinton-Dix pick was epically solid for both the Packers’ value and team need, but the steal of Bradford at pick 121 is just ridiculous. The Zang picks at WR of Abbrederis and Janis coupled with a very solid pick in Adams has to make fans of the offense happy. Linsley and Goodson are great depth guys, and while the Zang Meh Doh may not appear to like the Rodgers and Thornton picks, keep in mind they still qualified as MEHs.

The Zang Meh Doh has spoken! Good-day.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Is It Finally Here? Be Honest With Me.

I realize that Robert and I left you in a lurch following our last post. We didn’t call. We didn’t write…I’m sure you’ve been wondering if we are okay. You can rest assured, we are. Robert and I were at a two month LARP retreat in Rhinelander. Personally, I leveled up to Level 23 Orc Mage, with +17 Destruction Magic. I know you probably want a full recap of our time there, but I’ll save that for another day.

With our extensive network of sources, contacts, spies, and advanced surveillance equipment, we’ve heard a number of rumors indicating that the draft starts this evening. We decided that we would follow up with several anonymous* NFL general managers and scouts. They are all anonymous because, as I understand it, that’s how any information about the draft is shared. I’m not sure why this is, as I was always taught that lying is disreputable, unethical, immoral, and wrong.

Anyway, here’s what we found out:

“Does the draft begin tonight?”

·         “Well, seeing the tape, it looks like it might start tonight, but we’re gonna check in person and make our judgment from there.”
·         “Yes. Never seen a draft start like this. Really impressive. I think it will be a great start tonight. The draft is going to start tonight for a long time in this league.”
·         “No. It’s not tonight. Never was. Tonight as a start time won’t cut it, it’ll be later or earlier, but it for sure isn’t tonight.”
·         “I really enjoy the draft process and determining the start, but we don’t get into specifics about when the draft will start. We think the draft will be good for our team whenever it starts.”
·         “The draft won’t start tonight if it was the only night of the year left to start. Not happening. It’ll be bust if it starts tonight.”
·         “I’ve heard that their owner really wants it start tonight, but the coach and GM are not sold. It’ll be interesting if they start tonight.”
·         “We’ve had a start time set for weeks. We’re ready to start. We’re also open to offers for a different night to start, and we’ve definitely had some conversations about starting at a different time.”
·         “I think if some teams don’t get their start right tonight, they’re losing their jobs.”
·         “They’re going to try to move back their start time, but I really doubt they’ll have any offers.”
·         “Yes, the start time is tonight, but we’re flexible. Start time is a really fluid process, and we’ll just let the start time come to us.”
·         “They really got screwed on starting tonight due to that trade they made last year. They don’t even have a start time until the late second round. Not a way to run a franchise.”

Wow. I'm not sure what to make of all these anonymous opinions on the draft start. I guess it’s best to form your own and just tune in and enjoy the show.

Happy Draft Day, everyone.

*One side note: the Vikings’ source we spoke with wanted to go on the record, and stated, “I really have no clue when the draft is. I’ll need to ask my admin assistant.” Seriously. Neither Robert nor I felt comfortable revealing his name, for the simple reason that we believe he really was telling the truth, and it seemed cruel to announce it to the world.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Psst…Have We Got a Deal for You

Close your eyes and think about the last time you traveled to Green Bay for a Packers’ game. You’re filling up your tank for the journey home, probably grabbing some beef jerky and a coffee, the former for sustenance, that latter to ensure you are an alert and attentive driver. Now, picture yourself pulling out your wallet or your purse. You’re looking inside. What do you see? A ticket stub, Pro Shop receipt, maybe a phone number from that fetching laddie or lassie you met at Stadium View after you were thrown off the mechanical bull like Mike Daniels throws off an offensive guard. What else? Yeah, I thought so. Not much. Trips to Lambeau Field get expensive. A large part of these expenses is accommodation. The artificial inflation of prices by hotels and the mandatory minimum night stays can really drain a Packers fan’s funding. Spending $200 a night to say at the EconoLodge is not right, Michael.

Robert and I have tried various ways of getting around this expense, with incredibly mixed results. While it can be fun rolling the dice with your sleeping arrangements, it can also lead to sleepless nights, burglary, and vain attempts to reach the bathroom in an unfamiliar, darkened hotel room. For years, we’ve been trying to find the solution. This past year, our investigations came to fruition when we were graciously invited to join a good friend at one those fantastical houses across the street from Lambeau Field. You know the ones. The Party Houses. The houses that are used for eight weekends a year, not including a home playoff game every now and again. The houses that are outfitted for one purpose: enjoy a weekend of revelry in Green Bay with easy access to Lambeau Field. This seems like an easy solution, why didn’t we think of it earlier? Again, it comes back to funding. These places also cost a pretty penny to rent and have the same old mandatory minimum stays, which leaves us right back where we were.

Here’s the difference. We’re going to buy one, WE, as in Robert, me, and you. All of you. We’re going to buy a house and make it a Green Bay Fan Commune (GBFC). I don’t believe in elitism, and neither should you. Every one of us is entitled to sleep in view of the bright lights of Historic Lambeau Field, and we’re going to do it. Why should fancy-pants sauerkraut commodities traders and snobbish Zubaz brokers get to live the good life, while we’re stuck fighting for cabs at 2:00 a.m. to take us to the Motel 6? (Even if they do leave the light on for us). We should be able to take a short stroll from Stadium View to our premium lodging, like the creator of this.

Each owner of the GBFC will be an equal member of the household, with equal responsibilities and equal opportunities for enjoyment of the property. The sleeping arrangements will be dormitory-style, numerous bunkbeds will be installed in an open layout, with maybe a couple hammocks here and there. Outside, tents will be pitched (weather permitting). The house will have separate men’s and women’s lockerrooms for showering and pre-game Packers gear preparing purposes. This will include large mirrors for those inclined to painting faces, bodies, etc. Food preparation will be done as a team, with various groups tasked with different meals and snacks over the course of the weekend. Grills will be used at all times, and each member will be required to undergo a Grill Safety and Competence Training. Refrigerators will line walls of the garage and will be filled with libations that each household member will contribute to and share. All libations, as with the food, are communal. If one member has the gift for crafting martinis or Old Fashioneds, they may be asked to do so, but are not required to if they would prefer to just pound PBR tall boys. Post-weekend cleanup will be done as a GROUP. No exceptions. Also, as part of household membership, you will be given priority placement in the GBFC Fantasy Football League and one day fantasy sports, the winner of which will be given premium sleeping options for the one calendar year.

The house will not be a permanent domicile for any one member of the household. It will be a temporary lodging solution for Packers’ fans in Green Bay. It will be available to all members for Packers’ games, training camp, concerts, and other events, but following these occasions, it will be cleaned (BY EVERYONE) and left in order for the next event.

We will open the application process for the GBFC in the coming weeks. We will ask that you please provide your personal information, an itemized list of Packers’ paraphernalia, a chili recipe, favorite beer or cocktail, and permission to run a credit check.

Robert and I have already begun the house hunt. We are angling to get on “House Hunters: Cheeseheads”, but the producers have not accepted our application video at this time. Our first prospect can be found hereThe price is $119,000, but by utilizing Robert’s legendary negotiating skills, fine-tuned during binge card trading marathons, we’ll likely negotiate that down to $110,000. As of today, the rate for a 5-year arm is 3.38%, and with excellent credit, my great aunt Ruby can secure this rate for us, as soon as we want. This comes to a group payment of only $600/month. If we get just 10 others to join us, that’s only $50/month – or $600/year – per person to permanently secure this house for our personal use. How much did you spend last year for a hotel on game weekend?
I'd pay $50/month for this view. Wouldn't you?
With 8 home games, training camp, special events, concerts and playoff games (yes), we estimate about 15-20 party weekends per year, with almost limitless off-season availability as well (depending on schedules of all Party House members, of course.) If you stay just two times a year, it’s more than paid for itself.

It pays for itself. You said so yourself, Dude. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Don’t Ditch the Kick Just Yet, or How to Improve the NFL PAT

The PAT is apparently automatic and boring, which has led Roger Goodell to suggest the league’s competition committee consider abolishing the PAT altogether. “You want to add excitement with every play,” Goodell recently told the NFL Network.

I don’t disagree with adding excitement, Roger. After all, no fan wants to watch an NFL player do something they feel they are capable of doing. However, pushing the two-point conversion by subtracting the PAT option is neither that innovative nor that creative of a way to solve this. It’s a lukewarm alternative from what we have now, as have been most of the suggestions I’ve heard on sports talk radio.

So how do we keep the tradition of the PAT and kickers while getting radical at the same time? I’ll tell you:

Adjustable goal posts.

I’m serious.

According to the NFL rules, “The goal posts must be 18 feet, 6 inches wide.” We’ve already established there’s nothing impressive about a chip-shot PAT through a space as wide as an industrial shipping container. What WOULD make it interesting is if that space was narrowed to, say, 6 feet, 2 inches – exactly one-third of the original goal post width.

Now we’re talking some serious kicker skill involved. A confined kick like this is no longer a gimme. In fact, I’d say the success rate would be closer to 60% than 100%. Now, Roger, we’re talking about a legitimate dilemma whether to attempt the PAT or go for two. And guess what – it’s now exciting either way.

We could even take this concept of adjustable goal posts one step further and apply it to field goals as well. For instance, FG attempts 25 yards and under retain the suggested PAT goal post width of 6’ 2”. For FG attempts 26-40 yards, double that to 12 ft. 4 in., and anything longer gets the max/current goal post width of 18’ 6”. By doing so, you’ve made the kicking game more exciting and given teams a LOT more to think about on 4th down in the enemy’s territory.

Give it some thought and your reaction in the comments – good or bad – and tell me WHY.

Friday, January 3, 2014

5 Tips to Stay Warm During the Packers Game

Sunday's home playoff matchup against the 49ers is expected to be one of the coldest games of all time. But don't let the weather keep you down. Here's five ways you can stay warm and better enjoy the Packers' win.

1. Dress Appropriately. We’re talking fleece-lined denim on top of fleece-lined denim (I’m sure Fleet Farm has an entire department for this), leg warmers, even mittens from kittens if necessary – whatever you can get your hands on. Keeping warm not a fashion contest, people, so don’t treat it like one.
Clark Griswald improvised. So can you.
2. Cuddling. What could bring two Packer fans closer together than in the warm embrace that lasts over three hours in the freezing cold of Lambeau Field? I recommend setting the ground rules early. If Larry in section 112 foresees issues with playing footsie, maybe Bill in 110 won’t. Take your time finding your perfect cuddle match – it’ll make the game that much more enjoyable for you both. And for those seamstress savants out there, it’s not too late to sew two snowmobile outfits together before Sunday…

3. One Word: Superhydrophics. It’s no secret if you get wet in below-freezing conditions, hypothermia can set in immediately. And since hypothermia’s symptoms include sleepiness, clumsiness and even slurred speech, you don't want to be mistaken for a drunken fan instead of one who needs immediate medical attention. Before you arrive, spray yourself from head to toe with a superhydrophic coating. You’ll not only stay amazingly dry despite nature’s best efforts, but you can also charge $1 every time someone wants to watch nacho cheese slide off your back.

4. Move! Imagine being in a literal frozen tundra sitting on a block of ice. That’s pretty much EXACTLY the experience of watching a game on Lambeau’s metal benches in winter. Try high-fiving your entire row when Sam Shields picks off Kaepernick for the second time, or take a loop around the stadium and prance the entire way. Moving around is one of the easiest ways to generate body heat, and you’re only limited by your imagination. (Continuous shivering does not count.)

5. Bowel Play. If you are truly in a dire, last-resort situation, call your best friend and have him ride to you on his tauntaun. Once they arrive and the tauntaun subsequently keels over and perishes, you have permission to slice open its body and spread the warm bowels upon you until an appropriate shelter can be made. It may smell bad, but it’ll keep you warm.
Stay toasty, Packer fans.
Google requires us to state we use third-party advertising, who may use information (not including your name, address, email, or phone) about your visits to provide ads of possible interest. For more information or to opt out, click here.
To contact us or to advertise, email packerranter {at}