Friday, January 3, 2014

5 Tips to Stay Warm During the Packers Game

Sunday's home playoff matchup against the 49ers is expected to be one of the coldest games of all time. But don't let the weather keep you down. Here's five ways you can stay warm and better enjoy the Packers' win.

1. Dress Appropriately. We’re talking fleece-lined denim on top of fleece-lined denim (I’m sure Fleet Farm has an entire department for this), leg warmers, even mittens from kittens if necessary – whatever you can get your hands on. Keeping warm not a fashion contest, people, so don’t treat it like one.
Clark Griswald improvised. So can you.
2. Cuddling. What could bring two Packer fans closer together than in the warm embrace that lasts over three hours in the freezing cold of Lambeau Field? I recommend setting the ground rules early. If Larry in section 112 foresees issues with playing footsie, maybe Bill in 110 won’t. Take your time finding your perfect cuddle match – it’ll make the game that much more enjoyable for you both. And for those seamstress savants out there, it’s not too late to sew two snowmobile outfits together before Sunday…

3. One Word: Superhydrophics. It’s no secret if you get wet in below-freezing conditions, hypothermia can set in immediately. And since hypothermia’s symptoms include sleepiness, clumsiness and even slurred speech, you don't want to be mistaken for a drunken fan instead of one who needs immediate medical attention. Before you arrive, spray yourself from head to toe with a superhydrophic coating. You’ll not only stay amazingly dry despite nature’s best efforts, but you can also charge $1 every time someone wants to watch nacho cheese slide off your back.

4. Move! Imagine being in a literal frozen tundra sitting on a block of ice. That’s pretty much EXACTLY the experience of watching a game on Lambeau’s metal benches in winter. Try high-fiving your entire row when Sam Shields picks off Kaepernick for the second time, or take a loop around the stadium and prance the entire way. Moving around is one of the easiest ways to generate body heat, and you’re only limited by your imagination. (Continuous shivering does not count.)

5. Bowel Play. If you are truly in a dire, last-resort situation, call your best friend and have him ride to you on his tauntaun. Once they arrive and the tauntaun subsequently keels over and perishes, you have permission to slice open its body and spread the warm bowels upon you until an appropriate shelter can be made. It may smell bad, but it’ll keep you warm.
Stay toasty, Packer fans.

2 comments:

  1. A_Lerxst_in_PackerlandJanuary 3, 2014 at 10:17 PM

    I also see that they'll be providing 2 free hot beverages per fan during the game (and with that amazing coating, if some bozo trips or slips and spills his all over you, no worries! It'll run right off, even better than Rain-X repels water from windshields!).
    Go Pack go!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I utilized some (most) of your tips and enjoyed the game and the weather.

    ReplyDelete

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