Wednesday, July 22, 2015

10 People You Don't Bring to a Tailgate

1. The Sloppy
A little splash here, a broken bottle there – it’s all good for the Sloppy. After all, it’s a party and that’s why they invented napkins and washing machines. It’ll only get worse as the day goes on as you watch the Sloppy’s drink hand flail around in new and unexpected ways with every first down. Anyone sitting within a five-foot radius of this person during the game is going to get wet. I suggest donning your custom Gortex jumpsuit before you head in. If you can’t spot the Sloppy within the first half hour, you are the Sloppy.

2. Cell Phone Guy
You tailgate for the comradery. To catch up. To BS. To enjoy each other’s company while sharing the common interest in that of the team. But Cell Phone Guy has never grasped that concept because his head is either buried in his phone or he’s talking to someone (probably quite loudly). If it buzzes, tones or rings, he must give it full and immediate attention.

3. Sir Betsalot
I have no problem throwing a little cash into a friendly wager or fantasy football. But when Sir Betsalot comes along, he’ll want to not only gamble on every game that day, but also every possible spread or statistic he can think of, or that you want to volunteer. There might even be kickers, bonuses or parlay opportunities. Your fellow tailgaters will hear a lot of “You want in?” that day. The odds are usually in his favor if for no other reason than he has the most experience and you just bet to get him to shut up. Just so no one forgets, this walking casino will take copious notes on every bet and remind the group who took what throughout the day.

4. In Ted We Trust Guy
This one is unique to the Packer fan kingdom. At the end of the day, you have no clue what a Packers draft pick will turn into. So amid mock drafts and mass speculation diarrhea, I love the phrase “In Ted We Trust” – you need to just have faith that Ted and the organization know what they’re doing. However, I’ve seen people so pro TT that in their eyes, Ted Thompson is impervious and undeserving of any criticism and only worthy of never-ending praise. Infallible. First round a bust? Not his fault. Just lost in the playoffs? Just part of his plan. Don’t bother to question whether the Packers will win that day because you know the answer you’ll get.

5. The Scab
This person shows up with nothing but a healthy appetite. Maybe they’ll use the excuse “I didn’t know we were supposed to bring anything.” Five minutes later they’ll be sitting in your chair, drinking your beer, and asking what’s on the menu. If you ask for money, he’ll insist he’ll “get you next time.” The ongoing reckless indulgence and subsequent excuses are simply part of this seasoned moocher’s resumé. Do not hesitate to publicly shame the Scab – it is our only hope.

6. Dale Kazwicki
Just trust me on this one, OK?

7. Man of a Thousand Requests (MoTR)
A close relative of the Scab, the MoTR wants you to make him a drink – whatever that yummy-looking thing you made for yourself that probably costs $15 inside. Same goes for your food. He has no boundaries. In fact, he might even ask to go inside your car to pee in a bottle instead of waiting in line at the official bathrooms. He wants to trade places with you at the game. Any time someone leaves a seat at the game, MoTR asks them to pick up another drink, and perhaps some nachos. And at the end of the night, he’ll want a ride home because he got too wasted. But first he wants you to swing through Taco Bell. Oh, and can he borrow five bucks?

8. Agenda Guy
This guy begins to deflate your tailgate before it even begins. Expect numerous emails with itemized lists of responsibilities and well as a tentative schedule disguised as “options.” His OCD carries over in ways you never imagined, and while you appreciate the fact he is prepared for every possible scenario, adhering to his strict timelines and strategic rendezvous points will make your party suffer.

9. Uncle Rico
“Yes, I believe you could throw the ball over that row of cars and hit me in the numbers on the run. You don’t have to prove anything.” For the Uncle Ricos of the world, the football is the first thing in the car and the first thing to come out when you get there. At minimum, there will be lengthy, competitive game of catch. More than likely, there will be play calling and you will run the play as designed and clearly called out by your group’s Uncle Rico. The other tailgaters in the lot will just have to grow eyes in the back of their heads. By the end of the day, you will have apologized to no less than five groups for Uncle Rico smashing their bottles or knocking over their grills. It’s all for the tailgate glory.

10. The Loud Mouth             
Urban Dictionary actually summarizes a Loud Mouth pretty well.

Moreover, while in a group of his so-called peers, he’ll feel that much more empowered to speak his mind and trash talk the out-of-town family with little kids wearing the opponent’s jersey. You’re lucky if he gets away with just offending someone. If you think he’s an embarrassment to be associated with at your tailgate, wait until you get into the game. Note: the Loud Mouth is an equal gender offender.

Did I get them all? Do you think this article could appear on Buzzfeed? Be honest.


  1. I've seen a list about cats looking like Disney characters on Buzzfeed, so I'm pretty sure this makes it Buzzfeed worthy.

    I would like to add Addendum A:

    11) Chicken Little Guy: Not to be confused with Chicken Tender Guy (He's always welcome). Chicken Little Guy is the polar opposite of In Ted We Trust Guy. Chicken Little Guy thinks that there is no chance the Packers are going to win. Zero. The other team is just far superior: better players, better coaching staff, their jerseys look better, they were 4-0 in the preseason, and they signed a big name free agent this past off-season. Chicken Little Guy will find some way to whinge about Mark Murphy's poor public speaking, Ted Thompson's 6th round draft pick, Mike McCarthy's first quarter play-calling, and Dom Capers' not using Clay Matthews to "spy every offensive player" in every conversation. This guy will try to drown out fellow tailgaters' optimism and excitement for the game by bringing up every recent, and not-so-recent, loss and how that signifies impending doom for the day's contest. Chicken Little may, more than once, say that he might not even go into the game, "Any takers for my ticket?" "I mean, I'll take $20 over face value." Of course because there are no takers, he'll begrudgingly go to game, but he'll list off the injury report to anyone who will listen on the walk to the stadium. Right before he walks inside, Chicken Little Guy's last statement is something along these lines, "Yeah, he won MVP last year, but I'm just not convinced Rodgers can lead the Packers to another Super Bowl. I'd rather have Russell Wilson. He's a leader."

    1. Great observation, and that ramps up in the playoffs as well. Hard to convince that personality of anything positive regarding the team. They're like robots: It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. OK, probably not the last part.

    2. A_Lerxst_in_PackerlandJuly 29, 2015 at 9:55 PM

      I'll be back.

      (Couldn't resist, Robert.)


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