Sunday, November 1, 2015

Packers' Defensive Mystery Has Been Solved

At some point, someone decided that a team's defense should be judged on yards given up. That's cool. I mean, offenses get bonus points for yardage milestones during NFL games, so if you don't give up yards you limit these opponents' bonus points. What? That's just fantasy football? Oh. So total defense is just yards? Huh. Seems like scoring usually determines the victor of any given football contest. Am I right on that? I am? Okay, good.

Hello, what have we here? The Packers have the best scoring defense in the NFL? Interesting. Sometimes it's hard to hear over the "Fire Capers" chants, so I'll repeat, the Packers have the number one scoring defense in the NFL. This got me wondering, "How is the defense this good?" Being the inquisitive type, I started asking around hoping to find some clues as to the defense's emergence. I got nothing but dead ends. No one was talking. 

Finally, I followed up on one last lead. It was a long shot. I contacted a security guard at the Hutson Center whom I had helped recover a Travis Jervey autographed cheesehead for a few years ago. We'll call him "Tommy". Unfortunately for Tommy, his dog had eaten it, so the recovery operation was suboptimal. Anyway, Tommy owed me a favor. I texted him over the bye week to see if he had noticed anything different during his time around the practice facilities. His reply was brief. All his text said was, "Follow the Clay."

Following the Packers' best defensive player seemed like a good, and fairly obvious, place to start to get to the bottom of this excellent defensive start for the team. So during the bye week, I tailed Clay Matthews to see if I could find his secret. While he did his best to conceal his activities, he was no match for my superior sleuthing skills. What I found was shocking. 

Clay Matthews was training actual bronco. Amazing. His ability to physically outmatch and mentally destroy his enemies was the product of training against his LITERAL opponents. This explained so much. It was all becoming apparent. The mystery of Packers stingy defense has been solved.

As you can see from the photo above, Matthews seems more than ready to take on the Broncos tonight. It's going to be a bloodbath. Packers 34, Broncos -15.

***Disclaimer: Neither The Packer Ranter nor Clay Matthews will accept liability for your health or safety if you decide to take on a similar training regimen. 

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